THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 


THE    WORKS    OF 

TOBIAS     SMOLLETT 

IN    TWELVE    VOLUMES 


IMITED  TO  ONE  THOUSAND 
REGISTERED  SETS,  OF  WHICH 
THIS  IS  NUMBER. 


MR.  RIFLE   OVERTAKES   RODERICK  AND   STRAP 


*'  For  Christ's  sake,  have  mercy  upon  us,  Mr.  Rifle,  — 
we  know  you  very  well" 


PAGE  72 


THE  WORKS  OF  TOBIAS  SMOLLETT 

VOLUME  ONE 

THE    ADVENTURES 

OF 

RODERICK   RANDOM 

COMPLETE   IN  THREE   PARTS 
PART  I. 

WITH  THE  AUTHOR'S  PREFACE,  AND  AN  INTRODUCTION  BY 
G.  H.  MAYNADIER,  PH.D. 

DEPARTMENT  OF  ENGLISH,  HARVARD  UNIVERSITY 


NEW    YORK 
THE    JENSON    SOCIETY 

MCMXI 


Copyright,  1902,  by 
THE  UNIVERSITY  PRESS 


UNIVMMTY    P«ESf     •    JOHN    WILSON 
AND    ION,   CAMBRIDGE,  U.  I.  A. 


College 
Library 

.,, 


•  : 


CONTENTS 


INTRODUCTION xv 

PREFACE xxix 

APOLOGUE xxxv 

CHAPTER  ONE 
Of  my  birth  and  parentage 1 

CHAPTER  TWO 

I  grow  up  —  Am  hated  by  my  relations  —  Sent  to 
school  —  Neglected  by  my  grandfather  —  Mal- 
treated by  my  master  —  Seasoned  to  adversity 

—  I  form  cabals  against  the  pedant  —  Am  de- 
barred access  to  my  grandfather  —  Hunted  by 

his  heir  —  I  demolish  the  teeth  of  his  tutor      .       8 

CHAPTER  THREE 

My  mother's  brother  arrives  —  Relieves  me  —  A 
description  of  him  —  He  goes  along  with  me  to 
the  house  of  my  grandfather  —  Is  encountered 
by  his  dogs  —  Defeats  them,  after  a  bloody  en- 
gagement —  Is  admitted  to  the  old  gentleman 

—  A  dialogue  between  them 15 

[v] 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  FOUR 

PAGE 

My  grandfather  makes  his  will  —  Our  second  visit 

—  He  dies  —  His  will  is  read  in  presence  of  all 
his  living  descendants  —  The  disappointment  of 
my  female  cousins  —  My  uncle's  behaviour  .     .     23 

CHAPTER   FIVE 

The  schoolmaster  uses  me  barbarously  —  I  form  a 
project  of  revenge,  in  which  I  am  assisted  by 
my  uncle  —  I  leave  the  village  —  Am  settled  at 
an  university  by  his  generosity 29 

CHAPTER  SIX 

I  n^ake  great  progress  in  my  studies  —  Am  caressed 
by  everybody  —  My  female  cousins  take  notice 
of  me  —  I  reject  their  invitation  —  They  are 
incensed,  and  conspire  against  me  -^- 1  am  left 
destitute  by  a  misfortune  that  befalls  my  uncle 

—  Gawky's  treachery  —  My  revenge  ....     37 

CHAPTER   SEVEN 

I  am  entertained  by  Mr.  Crabb  —  A  description  of 
him  —  I  acquire  the  art  of  surgery  —  Consult 
Crabb's  disposition  —  Become  necessary  to  him 

—  An  accident  happens  —  He  advises  me   to 
launch  out  into  the  world  —  Assists  me  with 
money  —  I  set  out  for  London 48 

[vi] 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  EIGHT 

FAOB 

I  arrive  at  Newcastle  —  Meet  with  my  old  school- 
fellow, Strap  —  We  determine  to  walk  together 
to  London  —  Set  out  on  our  journey  —  Put  up 
at  a  solitary  ale-house  —  Are  disturbed  by  a 
strange  adventure  in  the  night 59 

CHAPTER  NINE 

We  proceed  on  our  journey  —  Are  overtaken  by  an 
highwayman,  who  fires  at  Strap  —  Is  prevented 
from  snooting  me  by  a  company  of  horsemen, 
who  ride  in  pursuit  of  him  —  Strap  is  put  to  bed 
at  an  inn  —  Adventures  at  that  inn  .  .  .  .  71 

CHAPTER  TEN 

The  highwayman  is  taken  —  We  are  detained  as 
evidence  against  him  —  Proceed  to  the  next 
village  —  He  escapes  —  We  arrive  at  another 
inn,  where  we  go  to  bed  —  In  the  night  we 
are  awaked  by  a  dreadful  adventure  —  Next 
night  we  lodge  at  the  house  of  a  schoolmaster 
—  Our  treatment  there .  80 


CHAPTER  ELEVEN 

We  descry  the  waggon  —  Get  into  it  —  Arrive  at 
an  inn  —  Our  fellow-travellers  described  —  A 
mistake  is  committed  by  Strap,  which  produces 
strange  things ' ...  90 

M] 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  TWELVE 

PACK 

Captain  Weazel  challenges  Strap,  who  declines  the 
combat  —  An  affair  between  the  captain  and 
me  —  The  usurer  is  fain  to  give  Miss  Jenny 
five  guineas  for  a  release  —  We  are  in  danger 
of  losing  a  meal  —  The  behaviour  of  Weazel, 
Jenny,  and  Joey,  on  that  occasion  —  An  ac- 
count of  Captain  Weazel  and  his  lady  —  The 
courage  tried  —  Isaac's  mirth  at  the  captain's 
expense 102 

CHAPTER  THIRTEEN 

Strap  and  I  are  terrified  by  an  apparition  —  Strap's 
conjecture  —  The  mystery  explained  by  Joey 

—  We  arrive  at  London  —  Our  dress  and  ap- 
pearance described  —  We  are  insulted  in  the 
street  —  An  adventure  in  an  ale-house  —  We 
are  imposed  upon  by  a  waggish  footman  —  Set 
to  rights   by  a  tobacconist  —  Take  lodgings 

—  Dive   for  a  dinner  —  An  accident  at  our 
ordinary 115 

CHAPTER   FOURTEEN 

We  visit  Strap's  friend  —  A  description  of  him  — 
His  advice  —  We  go  to  Mr.  Cringer's  house  — 
Are  denied  admittance  —  An  accident  befalls 
Strap  —  His  behaviour  thereupon  —  An  extra- 
ordinary adventure  occurs,  in  the  course  of 
which  I  lose  all  my  money     ......     197 

[vui] 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER   FIFTEEN 

PAOB 

Strap  moralises  - —  Presents  his  purse  to  me  —  We 
inform  our  landlord  of  my  misfortune  —  He 
unravels  the  mystery  —  I  present  myself  to 
Cringer — He  recommends  and  turns  me  over 
to  Mr.  Staytape  —  I  become  acquainted  with  a 
fellow-dependant,  who  explains  the  characters 
of  Cringer  and  Staytape  —  And  informs  me  of 
the  method  to  be  pursued  at  the  Navy  Office 
and  Surgeons' Hall  —  Strap  is  employed  .  .  187 

CHAPTER   SIXTEEN 

My  new  acquaintance  breaks  an  appointment  —  I 
proceed  by  myself  to  the  Navy  Office  —  Ad- 
dress myself  to  a  person  there,  who  assists  me 
with  his  advice  —  Write  to  the  Board  —  They 
grant  me  a  letter  to  the  surgeons  at  the  Hall 
—  Am  informed  of  the  beau's  name  and  char- 
acter—  Find  him  —  He  makes  me  his  confi- 
dent in  an  amour  —  Desires  me  to  pawn  my 
linen,  for  his  occasions  —  I  recover  what  I  lent 
him  —  Some  curious  observations  of  Strap  on 
that  occasion  —  His  vanity 147 

CHAPTER  SEVENTEEN 

I  go  to  Surgeons'  Hall,  where  I  meet  with  Mr. 
Jackson  —  Am  examined  —  A  fierce  dispute 
arises  between  two  of  the  examiners  —  Jack- 
son disguises  himself  to  attract  respect  —  Is 
detected  —  In  hazard  of  being  sent  to  Bride- 


CONTENTS 

FAOB 

well  —  He  treats  us  at  a  tavern  —  Carries  us 
to  a  night  house  —  A  troublesome  adventure 
there  —  We  are  committed  to  the  Round 
House  —  Carried  before  a  justice  —  His  be- 
haviour  161 

CHAPTER  EIGHTEEN 

I  cany  my  qualification  to  the  Navy  Office  —  The 
nature  of  it  —  The  behaviour  of  the  secretary 

—  Strap's  concern  for  my  absence  —  A  battle 
between  him  and  a  blacksmith  —  The  trouble- 
some consequence  of  it  —  His  harangue  to  me 

—  His  friend  the   schoolmaster  recommends 
me  to  a  French  apothecary,  who  entertains  me 

as  a  journeyman 1 75 

CHAPTER   NINETEEN 

The  characters  of  Mr.  Lavement,  his  wife,  and 
daughter  —  Some  anecdotes  of  the  family  — 
The  mother  and  daughter  rivals  —  I  am  guilty 
of  a  mistake  that  gives  me  present  satisfaction, 
but  is  attended  with  troublesome  consequences  1 86 

CHAPTER  TWENTY 

I  am  assaulted  and  dangerously  wounded  —  Sus- 
pect O'Donnell,  and  am  confirmed  in  my 
opinion  —  Concert  a  scheme  of  revenge,  and 
put  it  in  execution  —  O'Donnell  robs  his  own 
servant,  and  disappears  —  I  make  my  addresses 
to  a  lady,  and  am  miraculously  delivered  from 
her  snare 198 


CONTENTS 


CHAPTER  TWENTY-ONE 

PAOK 

Squire  Gawky  comes  to  lodge  with  my  master  — 
Is  involved  in  a  troublesome  affair,  out  of  which 
he  is  extricated  by  me  —  He  marries  my  mas- 
ter's daughter  —  They  conspire  against  me  — 
I  am  found  guilty  of  theft  —  Discharged  — 
Deserted  by  my  friends  — I  hire  a  room  in 
St.  Giles's  —  Where,  by  accident,  I  find  the 
lady  to-  whom  I  made  my  addresses  in  a  mis- 
erable condition  —  I  relieve  her  .....  207 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 

PART  I 

MR.  RIFLE  OVERTAKES  RODERICK  AND  STRAP     Frontispiece 

THE    OLD    MAN    ENTERS    RODERICK^     ROOM     AT 

THE    INN „    116 


INTRODUCTION 

IT  has  been  often  said,  and  as  often  denied,  that 
Roderick  Random,  at  once  Smollett's  first  novel 
and  first  widely  successful  literary  venture,  is 
autobiographical.  Because  the  statement  con- 
tinues to  be  made,  it  is  worth  while  to  point  out  once 
more  that  Roderick  Random  is  so  only  to  a  limited 
extent.  The  fact  that  it  is  written  in  the  first  person 
counts  of  course  for  nothing ;  such  a  method  of  telling 
a  story  is  only  a  literary  device  common  in  the  type 
of  novel  to  which  Roderick  Random  belongs.  The 
fact,  however,  that  several  events  of  Smollett's  own 
life  correspond  with  events  in  Random's  is  not  to  be 
overlooked.  The  author,  like  his  hero,  was  a  Scotch- 
man dependent  on  the  bounty  of  his  grandfather, 
an  old  gentleman  of  considerable  consequence.  The 
author,  too,  like  his  hero,  studied  medicine,  and 
when  still  a  youth  under  twenty  went  up  to  London 
to  make  his  way  in  the  world,  like  many  of  his 
countrymen,  with  little  money  but  much  confidence. 
Each  in  pursuit  of  his  profession  shipped  on  a  man- 
of-war  which  took  part  in  the  mismanaged  expedi- 
[xv] 


INTRODUCTION 

tion  of  the  English  against  Carthagena  on  the  Span- 
ish Main  in  the  spring  of  1741.  Each  on  his  return 
to  England  married  a  charming  young  lady  and 
set  up  as  a  fine  gentleman.  It  would  not  be  sur- 
prising if  Roderick  Random  after  marriage  was,  like 
Dr.  Tobias  Smollett,  inclined  to  live  extravagantly. 
It  would,  on  the  other  hand,  be  strange  if  Smollett 
himself  had  not  seen  on  shipboard  something  of  the 
horrid  inhumanity  which  he  makes  Random  so  graph- 
ically describe.  It  would  be  strange,  too,  if  in  his 
wandering,  full-blooded  young  bachelorhood,  he  had 
not  met  with  some  of  the  wild  experiences  of  his  hero. 
Here,  however,  the  resemblance  ends.  The  author's 
grandfather,  Sir  James  Smollett,  unlike  the  hero's, 
was  rather  a  benevolent  old  gentleman  to  whom  his 
family  always  showed  respect  and  some  affection.  It 
was  Smollett's  father  who  died  in  the  son's  infancy ; 
it  was  Random's  mother.  Smollett  met  his  wife  in 
Jamaica ;  Random  met  his  after  returning  to  Eng- 
land. Smollett  early  made  a  name  for  himself  as 
an  author ;  Random  did  not.  Finally,  any  one  who 
takes  the  trouble  to  count  the  incidents  in  Roderick 
Random  which  are  without  parallel  in  Smollett's  own 
life,  will  see  that  they  far  outnumber  those  which  are 
paralleled.  The  most  to  be  said  is  that  Smollett's 
first  hero,  though  in  no  sense  a  portrait  of  the 
author,  bears  some  resemblance  to  him. 

In  order  to  do  critical  justice  to  Roderick  Random 
[rvi] 


INTRODUCTION 

to-day,  it  is  necessary  to  understand  what  Smollett 
had  before  him  as  models  when  he  was  composing 
this,  his  first  novel,  which  he  gave  to  the  public  in 
January,  1748.  At  that  time,  the  most  important 
works  of  English  prose  fiction  which  could  serve 
him  were  the  realistic  tales  of  Defoe,  that,  with  all 
their  vividness,  are  faulty  in  construction  and  charac- 
ter-drawing, and  Richardson's  Pamela  and  Fielding's 
Joseph  Andrews.  Pamela,  far  more  conspicuous  for 
the  faults  of  Richardson  than  for  the  excellence 
which  he  displayed  in  his  masterpiece,  Clarissa,  is 
a  crude  story  whose  calculating  morality  makes  a 
reader  at  last  lose  much  of  his  sympathy  for  the 
priggish,  persecuted  heroine.  Crude,  too,  in  some 
ways,  is  Fielding's  parody  of  Pamela,  Joseph  Andrews. 
Though  the  book  is  full  of  Fielding's  vitality,  though 
here  for  the  first  time  English  prose  narrative  is 
packed  with  characters  of  whom  every  one  is  a  breath- 
ing human  being,  the  book  seems  a  little  experimen- 
tal;  it  is  a  sort  of  tentative  holiday  trip  into  a  new 
realm  of  art.  Even  if  Fielding  was  thirty-four  when 
he  wrote  it,  Joseph  Andrews  often  seems  more  the 
boyish  prank  of  a  genius  than  a  mature  work.  The 
author  does  not  appear  sure  of  himsel£  Not  so  with 
Roderick  Random,  though  Smollett  when  he  wrote 
this  was  not  twenty-seven.  In  spite  of  its  defects, 
which  criticism  of  our  time  cannot  overlook,  the 
book,  more  than  any  of  its  predecessors,  is  a  finished 
— ~  [  xvii  ] 


INTRODUCTION 

novel.  Not  only  are  you  pleased  with  its  easy  style, 
but  you  feel  that  its  author  has  done  what  he  wanted 
to  do ;  and  most  rational  people  will  agree  that  the 
greater  part  of  it  was  worth  doing. 

It  does  not  follow  that  Roderick  Random  as  a 
work  of  art  is  almost  without  faults ;  far  from  it : 
but  the  faults  are  mostly  those  of  the  literary  type 
to  which  it  belongs,  —  the  so-called  picaresque  novel. 
This  peculiar  kind  of  fiction,  which  came  into  exist- 
ence in  Spain  in  the  sixteenth  century,  differed 
from  the  old  romances  of  chivalry  not  so  much  in 
form  as  in  substance.  In  both,  adventure  succeeded 
adventure  till  the  author  apparently  got  tired  of 
further  additions,  and  summarily  brought  the  hero 
to  his  destined  end.  The  romances  of  chivalry, 
however,  dealt  with  the  fortunes  of  knights  and 
ladies,  of  princes  and  princesses;  the  picaresque 
novels  dealt  with  those  of  humble  and  frequently 
vicious  characters,  and  so  they  gave  an  entirely  new 
kind  of  reading  to  the  world.  It  was  apparently 
what  much  of  the  world  desired.  Not  only  were 
the  Spanish  stories  of  clever  roguery  translated  into 
English ;  they  were  also  imitated  in  that  tongue  by 
several  authors,  —  notably  by  Defoe  in  the  years  of 
Smollett's  boyhood.  Besides  these  Spanish  and  Eng- 
lish tales,  Smollett  had  as  a  literary  model  Le  Sage's 
GU  Bias.  A  translation  of  this  from  Smollett's  pen 
appeared  in  1749,  and  in  the  preface.  t°. 
I  xviii  ] 


INTRODUCTION 

Random  he  acknowledges  his  indebtedness  to  this 
French  writer,  whose  death  had  occurred  only  two 
months  before,  in  November,  1747.  No  author,  says 
Smollett,  has  practised  more  successfully  the  method  of 
Cervantes  of  making  romance  "  assume  the  sock,  and 
point  out  the  follies  of  ordinary  life,"  than  Le  Sage, 
"  who,  in  the  adventures  of  Gil  Bias,  has  described  the 
knavery  and  foibles  of  life  with  infinite  humour  and 
sagacity.  The  following  sheets  I  have  modelled  on  his 
plan,  taking  the  liberty,  however,  to  differ  from  him  in 
the  execution, .  .  ."  There  can  be  no  question,  then, 
of  Smollett's  indebtedness  to  Le  Sage,  who  was  him- 
self greatly  indebted  to  the  Spanish  picaresque  stories. 
In  view  of  this  debt,  it  would  be  strange  if  Rod- 
erick Random  were  a  firmly  constructed  novel.  It 
rambles  on,  as  we  might  expect,  through  a  series  of 
adventures  which  frequently  show  no  better  reason 
for  being  strung  together  than  their  befalling  the 
same  hero.  Moreover,  as  in  the  earlier  picaresque 
novels,  no  particular  reason  is  apparent  for  terminat- 
ing these  adventures  other  than  that  the  author, 
weary  of  his  story,  felt  it  high  time  that  his  graceless 
hero  was  settled,  which  in  this  case  means  married. 
Accordingly  "  Rory  "  Random,  who  has  done  nothing 
to  merit  such  fortune,  finds  a  long-lost  father,  pos- 
sessed, happily,  of  riches  enough  to  warrant  his  son's 
marriage  with  the  lovely  Narcissa.  Nothing  could  be 
noore.  undeserved  than  such  a  reward,  nothing  more 
[xix] 


INTRODUCTION 

unexpected  than  the  way  it  came  about.  For  bilking 
his  tailor,  the  hero,  who  had  been  living  as  a  sharper 
and  heiress-hunter,  was  thrown  into  prison.  Thence, 
when  Random  was  plunged  into  a  fit  of  unmanly 
dejection,  it  happened  that  his  uncle  released  him  in 
order  to  take  him  on  a  voyage  to  South  America. 
In  that  remote  part  of  the  world,  the  young  man 
made  the  lucky  discovery  of  his  father  already  men- 
tioned. And  so  it  is  altogether  by  force  of  circum- 
stances that  he  settles  at  last,  and  not  at  all  through 
the  growth  of  his  character.  Roderick  Random  is  a 
novel  with  the  least  possible  amount  of  structure. 

This  discussion  brings  us  to  another  fault  of 
Smollett's  —  the  evident  complacency  with  which 
he  regards  his  knavish  hero;  and  here  again  the 
author's  models  are  to  blame  as  well  as  he  himself. 
"Rory"  has  wit,  good  looks,  courage,  and  some 
fine  feeling,  but  not  enough  to  excuse  his  rascality ; 
nor  does  one  have  to  be  a  strait-laced  moralist  to 
feel  so.  It  is  not  merely  that  Random,  like  many 
young  men  whose  experience  makes  them  none  the 
less  useful  and  honourable  members  of  society,  goes 
through  the  mill  of  dissipation  to  which  his  natural 
appetites  lead  him.  For  such  shortcomings  sanely 
charitable  people  will  excuse  him.  The  fatal  fault 
with  this  hero  is  that  in  his  coldest,  soberest  moments 
he  has  a  dull  sense  of  honour.  Even  when  he  is  deeply 
in  love  with  his  Narcissa,  instead  of  determining  like 


INTRODUCTION 

a  man  to  leave  nothing  undone  till  he  wins  her,  he 
becomes  discouraged  by  the  apparent  hopelessness 
of  such  an  achievement,  and  tries,  but  luckily  with- 
out success,  to  sell  himself  as  a  husband  to  some 
none-too-attractive  heiress.  Besides,  he  is  always  far 
too  ready  to  resort  to  tricks  of  questionable  honesty 
or  to  live  on  the  earnings  of  his  devoted  and  rather 
scantily  rewarded  follower,  Strap.  There  are  rakes 
who,  one  feels  certain,  will  settle  down  into  good 
husbands,  but  Roderick  Random  is  not  of  these. 

Far  more  excusable  than  the  faultiness  of  the  hero 
is  the  coarseness  of  Roderick  Rcmdom,  though  it  is 
doubtful  if  the  latter  does  not  offend  as  many  readers 
to-day  as  the  former.  An  author  can  make  his  hero 
what  he  pleases ;  he  has  to  take  contemporary  society 
as  he  finds  it.  If  in  that  society  there  is  much  which 
is  unlovely,  the  author  must  either  reproduce  it,  or 
give  incomplete  pictures  of  his  times.  The  charge 
that  he  errs  in  this  respect  cannot  be  brought  against 
Smollett ;  he  leaves  none  of  his  pictures  incomplete 
through  over-refinement.  Some  novelists  have  found 
the  happy  medium  which,  without  Smollett's  utter 
frankness,  yet  gives  a  reader  the  impression  that  he 
is  looking  on  the  whole  of  life.  It  is  a  question 
whether  Smollett  could  have  arrived  at  this  desir- 
able mean.  If  he  could,  he  would  have  done  better 
to  temper  his  realism ;  if  not,  better  his  unadorned 
truth  than  misrepresentation.  People  who  are  not 


INTRODUCTION 

unreasonably  squeamish  like  to  read  of  the  world 
not  as  it  might  be,  but  as  it  is;  and  so,  on  the 
whole,  they  will  be  glad  of  Smollett's  accuracy  in 
describing  life  of  the  earlier  Georgian  days.  In 
these,  one  effect  of  the  Hanoverian  succession  is 
plainly  visible  —  the  tendency  of  society  to  become 
coarser  than  it  had  been  in  the  two  preceding  reigns. 
The  refining  influence  of  a  queen  regnant  had  given 
place  to  the  vulgarizing  influence  of  royal  concubines 
imported  from  Germany.  The  enthusiasm  roused 
by  the  Revolution  of  1688  had  died  out.  Ideal- 
ism never  held  less  sway  in  the  nation.  Accord- 
ingly, as  we  see  Smollett's  England  not  only  in  his 
own  pages,  but  in  those  of  contemporary  writers  and 
in  the  pictures  of  Hogarth,  we  feel  that  his  age  was 
the  most  brutal  of  the  whole  eighteenth  century, 
which  in  the  days  of  Good  Queen  Anne  or  even  of 
George  III.  and  Queen  Charlotte  was  not  too  refined. 
It  is  not  surprising,  therefore,  that  the  moral  ideals 
of  Roderick  Random  are  low,  that  coarseness  continu- 
ally appears  both  in  action  and  in  speech.  Immo- 
rality and  coarseness,  however,  it  must  never  be 
supposed,  are  ubiquitous  in  the  novel.  They  exist 
there,  as  in  the  actual  world,  along  with  much  that 
is  fine  —  along  with  the  dog-like  fidelity  of  Strap, 
the  manly  honesty  of  Bowling,  the  kindly  discretion 
of  Mrs.  Sagely,  and  the  virtue  of  Narcissa.  If  our 
contemporary  novelists  were  as  realistic  as  their 
[xxii  J 


INTRODUCTION 

eighteenth-century  predecessors,  some  of  their  pages 

—  though  by  no  means  so  many,  for  refinement  is  far 
greater  than  it  was  one  hundred  and  fifty  years  back 

—  would  be  as  unsavoury  as  any  of  Smollett's. 

It  is  evident  now  that  one  of  the  merits  of  Roder- 
ick Random  is  its  realism  —  a  realism  which  is  many- 
sided.  Not  only  are  the  roadside  inns  real,  and  the 
wanderings  along  the  highways,  and  the  stage- 
coaches ;  so,  too,  are  the  gaming-rooms  and  theatres 
and  prisons  of  London ;  and  so,  too,  is  the  life  on 
shipboard,  though  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  the  scenes 
which  treat  of  this,  like  some  others,  are  exaggerated. 
Finally  in  the  account  of  the  Carthagena  expedition, 
there  is  the  grim,  red  realism  of  war.  No  painter 
could  put  on  canvas  a  naval  battle  which  one  could 
see  more  distinctly  than  that  described  in  the  thirty- 
second  chapter  of  Roderick  Random.  On  deck  is 
the  "infernal  scene  of  slaughter,  fire,  smoke,  and 
uproar,"  and  below  in  the  cockpit,  in  all  the  fright- 
ful din  produced  by  the  Spanish  and  the  English 
guns,  the  hero  works  at  his  post,  his  shirt-sleeves 
tucked  up  to  his  arm-pits  and  his  hands  dyed  in 
blood,  while  wounded  men  —  and  occasionally  by 
mistake  dead  men  —  are  ceaselessly  brought  below, 
whose  arms  and  legs  the  fear-crazed  and  rum-crazed 
head-surgeon  hews  off  regardlessly ;  and  the  simi- 
larly-crazed chaplain,  the  while,  with  outrageous 
cries,  strips  himself  to  the  skin,  and  besmearing 
[  xxiii  ] 


INTRODUCTION 

his  body  with  blood,  is  withheld  from  running  on 
deck  only  when  an  honest  seaman,  whose  left  hand 
has  just  been  shot  away,  knocks  the  wretch  down 
with  his  right  hand. 

But  Roderick  Random  is  more  than  a  succession  of 
intensely  vivid  scenes.  Except  for  Joseph  Andrews, 
no  book  of  the  century  had  contained  so  many  living 
characters.  Whether  you  like  the  hero  or  not,  you 
must  admit  that  he  is  flesh  and  blood.  So  is  the 
cowardly  but  devoted  Strap ;  so  is  honest  Morgan  ; 
so  is  the  callous,  clever  worldling,  Banter ;  so  is  Beau 
Jackson ;  so  is  Miss  Snapper ;  so,  to  a  less  extent,  is 
Miss  Williams;,  so  are  a  host  of  minor  characters ; 
and  so  above  all  is  the  hero's  uncle,  the  bluff  seaman 
of  profane,  not  to  say  obscene,  tongue,  but  of  true, 
kindly  heart  —  good  old  Tom  Bowling.  In  him, 
more  than  in  any  other  character  of  the  book, 
Smollett  shows  invention.  There  are  plenty  of 
famous  eccentric  sea-dogs  in  English  fiction  after 
Bowling,  but  no  one  of  equal  renown  before  him. 

That  Tom  Bowling  is  odd  in  the  extreme  suggests 
the  chief  fault  to  be  found  with  Smollett's  characters 
both  in  Roderick  Random  and  in  his  other  stories ; 
they  are  frequently  so  individual  as  to  cease  to  be  at 
the  same  time  human  types.  The  reproach  brought 
against  Dickens  —  whom  critics  have  agreed  in  call- 
ing the  nineteenth-century  Smollett  —  may  also  be 
brought  against  Smollett  himself:  his  people  are  too 
[xxiv] 


INTRODUCTION 

often  caricatures  rather  than  characters.  Even  so, 
they  are  immensely  diverting.  Smollett  had  a  stock 
of  fan  which  in  his  novels  seldom  if  ever  deserted 
him.  Captain  Weazel,  the  military  man  and  ex- 
valet,  with  the  giant  voice  and  diminutive  grass- 
hopper body,  may  be  an  almost  impossible  character, 
but  somehow  he  is  alive,  and  he  and  his  uproarious 
adventures  are  highly  amusing.  More  amusing  yet 
is  the  absent-minded  authoress,  whose  service  Random 
enters  at  a  low  ebb  of  his  fortunes  —  the  single  lady 
of  about  forty,  whose  reason  is  so  apt  to  desert  her 
that  when  she  hears  the  hunt  without,  she  imagines 
herself  a  hare,  and  sits  "  squat  on  her  hams  on  the 
floor,  in  the  manner  of  puss  when  she  listens  to  the 
outcries  of  her  pursuers.1"  Only  less  fantastic  is  this 
lady  in  her  saner  moments.  When  Random  first  saw 
her,  she  was  sitting  in  her  study  in  disordered,  un- 
neat  garb,  scratching  her  head  with  one  hand  and 
holding  the  stump  of  a  pen  in  the  other.  Her  speech, 
like  her  appearance,  was  eccentric,  for  on  recollecting 
that  her  new  servant  had  been  shipwrecked,  she  asked 
whether  he  came  on  shore  on  the  back  of  a  whale  or  a 
dolphin.  Hearing  that  he  swam  without  assistance, 
she  asked  if  he  had  ever  been  at  the  Hellespont,  and 
swum  from  Sestos  to  Abydos.  Then,  having  ordered 
a  new  suit  of  li very  for  him, "  she  spit  in  her  snuffbox, 
and  wiped  her  nose  with  her  cap,  which  lay  on  the 
table,  instead  of  a  handkerchief." 

[XXV] 


INTRODUCTION 

Ease  of  style  has  already  been  mentioned  as  among 
the  merits  of  Roderick  Random;  it  is  apparent  in 
reading  even  one  page.  Not  quite  so  apparent, 
but  nevertheless  very  often  present,  is  a  vein  of  sar- 
casm, sometimes  playfully  humorous,  again  angrily 
fierce.  It  is  fierce  in  the  description  of  the  Cartha- 
gena  affair,  on  which  occasion,  as  Smollett  says,  the 
English  commanders,  instead  of  making  a  swift 
attack,  gave  the  Spaniards  plenty  of  time  to  recover 
from  the  terror  occasioned  by  the  approach  of  the 
English  fleet,  scorning  in  their  generosity  "  to  take 
any  advantage  that  fortune  might  give  them  even 
over  an  enemy. w  Then  with'  great  wisdom  the  same 
commanders  chose  a  camp  directly  under  the  walls  of 
the  enemy's  fortification,  "  with  a  view  of  accustom- 
ing the  soldiers  to  stand  fire,  who  were  not  as  yet 
much  used  to  discipline,  most  of  them  having  been 
taken  from  the  plough  tail  a  few  months  before." 
There  is  anger,  too,  but  tempered  by  the  pathos  of 
the  situation,  in  the  story  of  Melopoyn,  the  poet  who 
is  imprisoned  for  debt,  and  of  his  vain  efforts  to  get 
his  tragedy  presented.  Of  course  this  account  of  the 
faithlessness  and  carelessness  of  theatre-managers  and 
patrons  owes  much  of  its  acrimony  to  Smollett's  fail- 
ure to  introduce  his  own  Regicide,  the  poor  tragedy 
with  which,  as  a  youth  of  eighteen,  he  hoped  to  win 
the  applause  of  literary  London. 

It  must  be  apparent  now  why,  in  spite  of  its 
[xxvi] 


INTRODUCTION 

faults,  Roderick  Random  is  one  of  the  great  English 
novels.  Though  the  book  is  inorganic,  its  style  is 
easy  and  polished,  and  it  is  enlivened  by  delicious 
humour  and  keen  satire.  Of  Smollett,  as  of  Defoe, 
it  has  been  justly  said  that  much  of  his  work  is  clever 
reporting,  but  reporting  which  preserves  the  life  about 
him  for  all  time.  In  one  respect,  however,  Smollett's 
Roderick  Random  is  far  ahead  of  anything  of  his 
famous  predecessor.  Most  of  its  characters  are 
thoroughly  alive  —  sometimes,  to  be  sure,  eccentric 
to  the  point  of  unnaturalness,  but  even  so,  vivified 
and  amusing.  And  as  they  pass  back  and  forth, 
and  smile  and  scold,  and  vex  and  comfort  one  an- 
other, they  seem  above  all  things  a  marvellously 
human  set  of  individuals  —  the  more  marvellously 
so,  if  one  stops  to  reflect  that  Smollett  was  only 
twenty-six  when  he  created  them.  They  may  not 
be  people  with  whom  it  is  well  for  every  youthful 
reader  to  come  in  contact ;  we  might  like  them  better 
if  they  exchanged  some  of  their  rationalism  for  ideal- 
ism ;  but  even  taking  them  just  as  they  are,  we  find 
in  their  life,  with  all  its  roughness,  a  stimulating 
robustness  which  is  in  wholesome  contrast  to  the 
rather  morbid  and  effeminate  spirituality  of  some 
later  fiction. 

G.    H. 


(xrvii  J 


THE    PREFACE 

OF  all  kinds  of  satire,  there  is  none  so  en- 
tertaining and  universally  improving,  as 
that  which  is  introduced,  as  it  were,  oc- 
casionally, in  the  course  of  an  interesting 
story,  which  brings  every  incident  home  to  life ;  and, 
by  representing  familiar  scenes  in  an  uncommon  and 
amusing  point  of  view,  invests  them  with  all   the 
graces  of  novelty,  while  nature  is  appealed  to  in 
every  particular. 

The  reader  gratifies  his  curiosity  in  pursuing  the 
adventures  of  a"  person  in  whose  favour  he  is  pre- 
possessed ;  he  espouses  his  cause,  he  sympathises  with 
him  in  distress ;  his  indignation  is  heated  against  the 
authors  of  his  calamity ;  the  humane  passions  are  in- 
flamed; the  contrast  between  dejected  virtue  and 
insulting  vice  appears  with  greater  aggravation ; 
and  every  impression  having  a  double  force  on  the 
imagination,  the  memory  retains  the  circumstance, 
and  the  heart  improves  by  the  example.  The  atten- 
tion is  not  tired  with  a  bare  catalogue  of  characters, 
but  agreeably  diverted  with  all  the  variety  of  inven- 


THE    PREFACE 

tion ;  and  the  vicissitudes  of  life  appear  in  their  pe- 
culiar circumstances,  opening  an  ample  field  for  wit 
and  humour. 

Romance,  no  doubt,  owes  its  origin  to  ignorance, 
vanity,  and  superstition.  In  the  dark  ages  of  the 
world,  when  a  man  had  rendered  himself  famous  for 
wisdom  or  valour,  his  family  and  adherents  availed 
themselves  of  his  superior  qualities,  magnified  his 
virtues,  and  represented  his  character  and  person  JLS 
sacred  and  supernatural.  The  vulgar  easily  swal- 
lowed the  bait,  implored  his  protection,  and  yielded 
the  tribute  of  homage  and  praise  even  to  adoration  ; 
his  exploits  were  handed  down  to  posterity  with  a 
thousand  exaggerations;  they  were  repeated  as  in- 
citements to  virtue ;  divine  honours  were  paid,  and 
altars  erected  to  his  memory,  for  the  encouragement 
of  those  who  attempted  to  imitate  his  example ;  and 
hence  arose  the  heathen  mythology,  which  is  no 
other  than  a  collection  of  extravagant  romances. 
As  learning  advanced,  and  genius  received  cultiva- 
tion, these  stories  were  embellished  with  the  graces 
of  poetry;  that  they  might  the  better  recommend 
themselves  to  the  attention,  they  were  sung  in  pub- 
lic, at  festivals,  for  the  instruction  and  delight  of  the 
audience ;  'and  rehearsed  before  battle,  as  incentives 
to  deeds  of  glory.  Thus  tragedy  and  the  epic  muse 
were  born,  and,  in  the  progress  of  taste,  arrived 
at  perfection.  It  is  no  wonder  that  the  ancients 


THE    PREFACE 

could  not  relish  a  fable  in  prose,  after  they  had 
seen  so  many  remarkable  events  celebrated  in 
verse,  by  their  best  poets;  we,  therefore,  find  no 
romance  among  them,  during  the  era  of  their  excel- 
lence, unless  the  Cyropcedia  of  Xenophon  may  be 
so  called ;  and  it  was  not  till  arts  and  sciences  began 
to  revive,  after  the  irruption  of  the  Barbarians  into 
Europe,  that  anything  of  this  kind  appeared.  But 
when  the  minds  of  men  were  debauched,  by  the  im- 
position of  priestcraft,  to  the  most  absurd  pitch  of 
credulity,  the  authors  of  romance  arose,  and,  losing 
sight  of  probability,  filled  their  performances  with  the 
most  monstrous  hyperboles.  If  they  could  not  equal 
the  ancient  poets  in  point  of  genius,  they  were  re- 
solved to  excel  them  in  fiction,  and  apply  to  the 
wonder  rather  than  the  judgment  of  their  readers. 
Accordingly  they  brought  necromancy  to  their  aid, 
and  instead  of  supporting  the  character  of  their 
heroes  by  dignity  of  sentiment  and  practice,  dis- 
tinguished them  by  their  bodily  strength,  activity, 
and  extravagance  of  behaviour.  Although  nothing 
could  be  more  ludicrous  and  unnatural  than  the  fig- 
ures they  drew,  they  did  not  want  patrons  and  ad- 
mirers, and  the  world  actually  began  to  be  infected 
with  the  spirit  of  knight-errantry,  when  Cervantes, 
by  an  inimitable  piece  of  ridicule,  reformed  the  taste 
of  mankind,  representing  chivalry  in  the  right  point 
of  view,  and  converting  romance  to  purposes  far 
[xxxi] 


THE    PREFACE 

more  useful  and  entertaining,  by  making  it  assume 
the  sock,  and  point  out  the  follies  of  ordinary 
life. 

The  same  method  has  been  practised  by  other 
Spanish  and  French  authors,  and  by  none  more 
successfully  than  by  Monsieur  Le  Sage,  who,  in  his 
Adventures  of  Gil  Bias,  has  described  the  knavery 
and  foibles  of  life,  with  infinite  humour  and  sagacity. 
The  following  sheets  I  have  modelled  on  his  plan, 
taking  the  liberty,  however,  to  differ  from  him  in  the 
execution,  where  I  thought  his  particular  situations 
were  uncommon,  extravagant,  or  peculiar  to  the 
country  in  which  the  scene  is  laid.  The  disgraces 
of  Gil  Bias  are,  for  the  most  part,  such  as  rather 
excite  mirth  than  compassion  :  he  himself  laughs  at 
them ;  and  his  transitions  from  distress  to  happiness, 
or  at  least  ease,  are  so  sudden,  that  neither  the  reader 
has  time  to  pity  him,  nor  himself  to  be  acquainted 
with  affliction.  This  conduct,  in  my  opinion,  not 
only  deviates  from  probability,  but  prevents  that 
generous  indignation  which  ought  to  animate  the 
reader  against  the  sordid  and  vicious  disposition  of 
the  world. 

I  have  attempted  to  represent  modest  merit  strug- 
gling with  every  difficulty  to  which  a  friendless  orphan 
is  exposed,  from  his  own  want  of  experience,  as  well 
as  from  the  selfishness,  envy,  malice,  and  base  indif- 
ference of  mankind.  To  secure  a  favourable  prepos- 


THE    PREFACE 

session,  I  have  allowed  him  the  advantages  of  birth 
and  education,  which,  in  the  series  of  his  misfortunes, 
will,  I  hope,  engage  the  ingenuous  more  warmly  in 
his  behalf;  and  though  I  foresee  that  some  people 
will  be  offended  at  the  mean  scenes  in  which  he 
is  involved,  I  persuade  myself  the  judicious  will  not 
only  perceive  the  necessity  of  describing  those  situa- 
tions to  which  he  must  of  course  be  confined,  in  his 
low  state,  but  also  find  entertainment  in  viewing 
those  parts  of  life,  where  the  humours  and  passions 
are  undisguised  by  affectation,  ceremony,  or  edu- 
cation; and  the  whimsical  peculiarities  of  dispo- 
sition appear  as  nature  has  implanted  them.  But 
I  believe  I  need  not  trouble  myself  in  vindicating 
a  practice  authorised  by  the  best  writers  in  this  way, 
some  of  whom  I  have  already  named. 

Every  intelligent  reader  will,  at  first  sight,  per- 
ceive I  have  not  deviated  from  nature  in  the  facts, 
which  are  all  true  in  the  main,  although  the  circum- 
stances are  altered  and  disguised,  to  avoid  personal 
satire. 

It  now  remains  to  give  my  reasons  for  making  the 
chief  personage  of  this  work  a  North  Briton ;  which 
are  chiefly  these :  I  could  at  a  small  expense  bestow 
on  him  such  education  as  I  thought  the  dignity  of 
his  birth  and  character  required,  which  could  not 
possibly  be  obtained  in  England,  by  such  slender 
means  as  the  nature  of  my  plan  would  afford.  In 
[  xxxiii  ]  , 


THE    PREFACE 

the  next  place,  I  could  represent  simplicity  of  man- 
ners in  a  remote  part  of  the  kingdom,  with  more 
propriety  than  in  any  other  place  near  the  capital ; 
and,  lastly,  the  disposition  of  the  Scots,  addicted  to 
travelling,  justifies  my  conduct  in  deriving  an  adven- 
turer from  that  country. 

That  the  delicate  reader  may  not  be  offended  at 
the  unmeaning  oaths  which  proceed  from  the  mouths 
of  some  persons  in  these  memoirs,  I  beg  leave  to 
premise,  that  I  imagined  nothing  could  more  effectu- 
ally expose  the  absurdity  of  such  miserable  expletives, 
than  a  natural  and  verbal  representation  of  the  dis- 
course in  which  they  occur. 


[  XXXIV  J 


APOLOGUE 

A  YOUNG  painter,    indulging  a    vein  of 
pleasantry,  sketched  a  kind  of  conversa- 
tion-piece, representing  a  bear,  an  owl, 
a  monkey,  and  an  ass ;  and  to  render  it 
more  striking,  humorous,  and  moral,  distinguished 
every  figure  by  some  emblem  of  human  life. 

Bruin  was  exhibited  in  the  garb  and  attitude  of  an 
old,  toothless,  drunken  soldier;  the  owl,  perched 
upon  the  handle  of  a  coffee-pot,  with  spectacles  on 
his  nose,  seemed  to  contemplate  a  newspaper;  and 
the  ass,  ornamented  with  a  huge  tye-wig  (which, 
however,  could  not  conceal  his  long  ears),  sat  for  his 
picture  to  the  monkey,  who  appeared  with  the  im- 
plements of  painting.  This  whimsical  group  afforded 
some  mirth,  and  met  with  general  approbation,  until 
some  mischievous  wag  hinted  that  the  whole  was  a 
lampoon  upon  the  friends  of  the  performer;  an  in- 
sinuation which  was  no  sooner  circulated,  than  those 
very  people  who  applauded  it  before  began  to  be 
alarmed,  and  even  to  fancy  themselves  signified  by 
the  several  figures  of  the  piece. 


APOLOGUE 

Among  others,  a  worthy  personage  in  years,  who 
had  served  in  the  army  with  reputation,  being  in- 
censed at  the  supposed  outrage,  repaired  to  the  lodg- 
ings of  the  painter,  and,  finding  him  at  home, "  Hark 
ye,  Mr.  Monkey ,"  said  he,  *'  I  have  a  good  mind  to 
convince  you,  that  though  the  bear  has  lost  his  teeth, 
he  retains  his  paws,  and  that  he  is  not  so  drunk  but 
he  can  perceive  your  impertinence  —  'Sblood  !  sir, 
that  toothless  jaw  is  a  d — ned  scandalous  libel  —  but 
don't  you  imagine  me  so  chopfallen  as  not  to  be  able 
to  chew  the  cud  of  resentment."  Here  he  was  inter- 
rupted by  the  arrival  of  a  learned  physician,  who, 
advancing  to  the  culprit  with  fury  in  his  aspect, 
exclaimed,  "  Suppose  the  augmentation  of  the  ass's 
ears  should  prove  the  diminution  of  the  baboon's  — 
nay,  seek  not  to  prevaricate,  for  by  the  beard  of 
Esculapius !  there  is  not  one  hair  in  this  periwig  that 
will  not  stand  up  in  judgment  to  convict  thee  of 
personal  abuse.  —  Do  but  observe,  captain,  how  this 
pitiful  little  fellow  has  copied  the  very  curls  —  the 
colour,  indeed,  is  different,  but  then  the  form  and 
foretop  are  quite  similar.""  While  he  thus  remon- 
strated in  a  strain  of  vociferation,  a  venerable  senator 
entered,  and  waddling  up  to  the  delinquent,  "  Jacka- 
napes ! "  cried  he,  "  I  will  now  let  thee  see  I  can  read 
something  else  than  a  newspaper,  and  that,  without 
the  help  of  spectacles  —  here  is  your  own  note  of  hand, 
sirrah,  for  money  which,  if  I  had  not  advanced,  you 
[  xxxvi  ] 


APOLOGUE 

yourself  would  have  resembled  an  owl,  in  not  daring 
to  show  your  face  by  day,  you  ungrateful  slanderous 
knave ! " 

In  vain  the  astonished  painter  declared  that  he  had 
no  intention  to  give  offence,  or  to  characterise  partic- 
ular persons :  they  affirmed  the  resemblance  was  too 
palpable  to  be  overlooked ;  they  taxed  him  with  in- 
solence, malice,  and  ingratitude ;  and  their  clamours 
being  overheard  by  the  public,  the  captain  was  a 
bear,  the  doctor  an  ass,  and  the  senator  an  owl,  to 
his  dying  day. 

Christian  reader,  I  beseech  thee,  in  the  bowels  of 
the  Lord,  remember  this  example  while  thou  art  em- 
ployed -in  the  perusal  of  the  following  sheets ;  and 
seek  not  to  appropriate  to  thyself  that  which  equally 
belongs  to  five  hundred  different  people.  If  thou 
shouldst  meet  with  a  character  that  reflects  thee  in 
some  ungracious  particular,  keep  thy  own  counsel; 
consider  that  one  feature  makes  not  a  face,  and  that, 
though  thou  art,  perhaps,  distinguished  by  a  bottle 
nose,  twenty  of  thy  neighbours  may  be  in  the  same 
predicament. 


f  xxxvii  ] 


THE  ADVENTURES  of 
RODERICK   RANDOM 

CHAPTER    ONE 

OF   MY   BIKTH   AND   PARENTAGE. 

I   WAS  born  in  the  northern  part  of  this  united 
kingdom,  in  the  house  of  my  grandfather ;  a 
gentleman  of  considerable  fortune  and  influ- 
ence, who  had,  on  many  occasions,  signalised 
himself  in  behalf  of  his  country ;  and  was  remarkable 
for  his  abilities  in  the  law,  which  he  exercised  with 
great  success,  in  the  station  of  a  judge,  particularly 
against  beggars,  for  whom  he  had  a  singular  aversion. 
My  father,  his  youngest  son,  falling  in  love  with  a 
poor  relation,  who  lived  with  the  old  gentleman  in 
quality  of  housekeeper,  espoused  her  privately;  and 
I  was  the  first  fruit  of  that  marriage.     During  her 
pregnancy,  a  dream  discomposed  my  mother  so  much, 
hat  her  husband,  tired  with  her  importunity,  at  last 
consulted  a  Highland  seer,  whose  favourable  inter- 
pretation he  would  have  secured  beforehand  by  a 
bribe,  but  found  him  incorruptible.     She  dreamed 
she  was  delivered  of  a  tennis-ball,  which  the  devil 

VOL.  I.  —  1  [  1  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

(who,  to  her  great  surprise,  acted  the  part  of  mid- 
wife) struck  so  forcibly  with  a  racket,  that  it  disap- 
peared in  an  instant;  and  she  was  for  some  time 
inconsolable  for  the  loss  of  her  offspring ;  when  all 
of  a  sudden,  she  beheld  it  return  with  equal  violence, 
and  enter  the  earth  beneath  her  feet,  whence  immedi- 
ately sprung  up  a  goodly  tree  covered  with  blossoms, 
the  scent  of  which  operated  so  strongly  on  her  nerves, 
that  she  awoke.  The  attentive  sage,  after  some 
deliberation,  assured  my  parents,  that  their  firstborn 
would  be  a  great  traveller ;  that  he  would  undergo 
many  dangers  and  difficulties,  and  at  last  return  to 
his  native  land,  where  he  would  flourish  in  happiness 
and  reputation.  How  truly  this  was  foretold,  will 
appear  in  the  sequel. 

It  was  not  long  before  some  officious  person  in- 
formed my  grandfather  of  certain  familiarities  that 
passed  between  his  son  and  housekeeper,  which 
alarmed  him  so  much,  that  a  few  days  after,  he  told 
my  father  it  was  high  time  for  him  to  think  of  set- 
tling ;  and  that  he  had  provided  a  match  for  him,  to 
which  he  could  in  justice  have  no  objections.  My 
father,  finding  it  would  be  impossible  to  conceal  his 
situation  much  longer,  frankly  owned  what  he  had 
done,  and  excused  himself  for  not  having  asked  the 
consent  of  his  father,  by  saying,  he  knew  it  would 
have  been  to  no  purpose ;  and  that,  had  his  inclina- 
tion been  known,  my  grandfather  might  have  taken 


HIS    BIRTH    AND    PARENTAGE 

such  measures  as  would  have  effectually  put  the 
gratification  of  it  out  of  his  power.  He  added,  that 
no  exceptions  could  be  taken  to  his  wife's  virtue, 
birth,  beauty,  and  good  sense ;  and  as  for  fortune,  it 
was  beneath  his  care.  The  old  gentleman,  who  kept 
all  his  passions,  except  one,  in  excellent  order,  heard 
him  to  an  end  with  great  temper ;  and  then  calmly 
asked,  how  he  proposed  to  maintain  himself  and 
spouse?  He  replied,  he  could  be  in  no  danger 
of  wanting,  while  his  father's  tenderness  remained, 
which  he  and  his  wife  should  always  cultivate  with 
the  utmost  veneration ;  that  he  was  persuaded  his 
allowance  would  be  suitable  to  the  dignity  and  cir- 
cumstances of  his  family,  and  to  the  provision  already 
made  for  his  brothers  and  sisters,  who  were  happily 
settled  under  his  protection.  "Your  brothers  and 
sisters,"  said  my  grandfather,  "  did  not  think  it  be- 
neath them  to  consult  me  in  an  affair  of  such  impor- 
tance as  matrimony;  neither,  I  suppose,  would  you 
have  omitted  that  piece  of  duty,  had  not  you  some 
secret  fund  in  reserve,  to  the  comforts  of  which  I 
leave  you,  with  a  desire  that  you  will  this  night  seek 
out  another  habitation  for  yourself  and  wife,  whither, 
in  a  short  time,  I  will  send  you  an  account  of  the 
expense  I  have  been  at  in  your  education,  with  a 
view  of  being  reimbursed.  Sir,  you  have  made  the 
grand  tour ;  —  you  are  a  polite  gentleman,  —  a  very 
pretty  gentleman ;  —  I  wish  you  a  great  deal  of  joy, 

[8] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  am  your  very  humble  servant."    So  saying,  he 
left  my  father  in  a  situation  easily  imagined. 

However,  he  did  not  long  hesitate ;  for,  being  per- 
fectly well  acquainted  with  his  father's  disposition, 
he  did  not  doubt  that  he  was  glad  of  this  pretence 
to  get  rid  of  him ;  and  his  resolves  being  invariable 
as  the  laws  of  the  Medes  and  Persians,  he  knew  it 
would  be  to  no  purpose  to  attempt  him  by  prayers 
and  entreaties ;  so,  without  any  further  application, 
he  betook  himself,  with  his  disconsolate  bedfellow,  to 
a  farmhouse,  where  an  old  servant  of  his  mother 
dwelt.  There  they  remained  for  some  time  in  a 
situation  but  ill  adapted  to  the  elegance  of  their 
desires,  and  tenderness  of  their  love ;  which,  never- 
theless, my  father  chose  to  endure,  rather  than  sup- 
plicate an  unnatural  and  inflexible  parent.  But  my 
mother,  foreseeing  the  inconvenience  to  which  she 
must  have  been  exposed,  had  she  been  delivered  in 
this  place  (and  her  pregnancy  was  very  far  advanced), 
without  communicating  her  design  to  her  husband, 
went  in  disguise  to  the  house  of  my  grandfather, 
hoping  that  her  tears  and  condition  would  move  him 
to  compassion,  and  reconcile  him  to  an  event  which 
was  now  irrevocably  past.  She  found  means  to 
deceive  the  servants,  and  was  introduced  as  an  un- 
fortunate lady,  who  wanted  to  complain  of  some 
matrimonial  grievances;  it  being  my  grandfather's 
particular  province  to  decide  in  all  cases  of  scandal 


HIS    BIRTH    AND    PARENTAGE 

She  was  accordingly  admitted  into  his  presence; 
where,  discovering  herself,  she  fell  at  his  feet,  and  in 
the  most  affecting  manner  implored  his  forgiveness ; 
at  the  same  time  representing  the  danger  that 
threatened  not  only  her  life,  but  that  of  his  own 
grandchild,  which  was  about  to  see  the  light. 

He  told  her,  he  was  sorry  that  the  indiscretion  of 
her  and  his  son  had  compelled  him  to  make  a  vow, 
which  put  it  out  of  his  power  to  give  them  any  assist- 
ance ;  that  he  had  already  imparted  his  thoughts  on 
that  subject  to  her  husband,  and  was  surprised  that 
they  should  disturb  his  peace  with  any  further  im- 
portunity. This  said,  he  retired.  The  violence  of 
my  mother's  affliction  had  such  an  effect  on  her  con- 
stitution, that  she  was  immediately  seized  with  the 
pains  of  childbed ;  and  had  not  an  old  maid-servant, 
to  whom  she  was  very  dear,  afforded  her  pity  and 
assistance,  at  the  hazard  of  incurring  my  grand- 
father's displeasure,  she  and  the  innocent  fruit  of  her 
womb  must  have  fallen  miserable  victims  to  his 
rigour  and  inhumanity.  By  the  friendship  of  this 
poor  woman,  she  was  carried  up  to  a  garret,  and 
immediately  delivered  of  a  man-child,  the  story  of 
whose  unfortunate  birth  he  himself  now  relates.  My 
father,  being  informed  of  what  had  happened,  flew 
to  the  embraces  of  his  darling  spouse,  and,  while  he 
loaded  his  offspring  with  paternal  caresses,  could 
not  forbear  shedding  a  flood  of  tears,  on  beholding 

[5] 


RODERICK  RANDOM 

the  dear  partner  of  his  heart,  for  whose  ease  he  would 
have  sacrificed  the  treasures  of  the  East,  stretched 
upon  a  flock  bed  in  a  miserable  apartment,  unable  to 
protect  her  from  the  inclemencies  of  the  weather. 
It  is  not  to  be  supposed,  that  the  old  gentleman  was 
ignorant  of  what  passed,  though  he  affected  to  know 
nothing  of  the  matter,  and  pretended  to  be  very 
much  surprised,  when  one  of  his  grandchildren,  by 
his  eldest  son  deceased,  who  lived  with  him  as  his 
heir-apparent,  acquainted  him  with  the  affair.  He 
determined,  therefore,  to  observe  no  medium,  but 
immediately,  on  the  third  day  after  her  delivery, 
sent  her  a  peremptory  order  to  be  gone,  and  turned 
off  the  servant  who  had  preserved  her  life. 

This  behaviour  so  exasperated  my  father,  that  he 
had  recourse  to  the  most  dreadful  imprecations ; 
and,  on  his  bare  knees,  implored  that  heaven  would 
renounce  him,  if  ever  he  should  forget  or  forgive  the 
barbarity  of  his  sire.  The  injuries  which  this  un- 
happy mother  received  from  her  removal  in  such 
circumstances,  and  the  want  of  necessaries  where  she 
lodged,  together  with  her  grief  and  anxiety  of  mind,, 
soon  threw  her  into  a  languishing  disorder,  which 
put  an  end  to  her  life.  My  father,  who  loved  her 
tenderly,  was  so  affected  with  her  death,  that  he 
remained  six  weeks  deprived  of  his  senses;  during 
which  time,  the  people  where  he  lodged  carried  the 
infant  to  the  old  man,  who  relented  so  far,  on  hear- 
16] 


HIS    BIRTH    AND    PARENTAGE 

ing  the  melancholy  story  of  his  daughter-in-law's 
death,  and  the  deplorable  condition  of  his  son,  as  to 
send  the  child  to  nurse ;  and  he  ordered  my  father 
to  be  carried  home  to  his  house,  where  he  soon 
recovered  the  use  of  his  reason.  Whether  this 
hard-hearted  judge  felt  any  remorse  for  his  cruel 
treatment  of  his  son  and  daughter,  or  (which  is  more 
probable)  was  afraid  his  character  would  suffer  in 
the  neighbourhood,  he  professed  great  sorrow  for  his 
conduct  to  my  father,  whose  delirium  was  succeeded 
by  a  profound  melancholy  and  reserve.  At  length 
he  disappeared,  and,  notwithstanding  all  imaginable 
inquiry,  could  not  be  heard  of;  a  circumstance 
which  confirmed  most  people  in  the  opinion  of  his 
having  made  away  with  himself  in  a  fit  of  despair. 
How  I  understood  the  particulars  of  my  birth,  will 
appear  in  the  course  of  these  memoirs. 


CHAPTER    TWO 

I    GROW    UP AM     HATED    BY    MY     RELATION'S SENT 

TO     SCHOOL NEGLECTED     BY     MY     GRANDFATHEE 

MALTREATED     BY    MY     MASTER SEASONED     TO 

ADVERSITY  I  FORM  CABALS  AGAINST  THE  PE- 
DANT  AM  DEBARRED  ACCESS  TO  MY  GRAND- 
FATHER  HUNTED  BY  HIS  HEIR 1  DEMOLISH 

THE   TEETH   OF   HIS   TUTOR. 

THERE  were  not  wanting  some  who  sus- 
pected my  uncles  of  being  concerned  in 
my  father's  fate,  on  the  supposition  that 
they  would  all  share  in  the  patrimony 
destined  for  him ;  and  this  conjecture  was  strength- 
ened by  reflecting,  that,  in  all  his  calamities,  they 
never  discovered  the  least  inclination  to  serve  him ; 
but,  on  the  contrary,  by  all  the  artifices  in  their 
power,  fed  his  father's  resentment,  and  supported  his 
resolution  of  leaving  him  to  misery  and  want     But 
people  of  judgment  treated  this  situation  as  an  idle 
chimera ;  because,  had  my  relations  been  so  wicked 
as  to  consult  their  interest  by  committing  such  an 
atrocious  crime,  the  fate  of  my  father  would  have 
extended  to  me  too,  whose  life  was  another  obstacle 
to  their  expectation.     Meanwhile,  I  grew  apace ;  and 
[8] 


SENT   TO    SCHOOL 

as  I  strongly  resembled  my  father,  who  was  the  dar- 
ling of  the  tenants,  I  wanted  nothing  which  their 
indigent  circumstances  could  afford :  but  their  favour 
was  a  weak  resource  against  the  jealous  enmity  of  my 
cousins;  who,  the  more  my  infancy  promised,  con- 
ceived the  more  implacable  hatred  against  me ;  and, 
before  I  was  six  years  of  age,  had  so  effectually 
blockaded  my  grandfather,  that  I  never  saw  him  but 
by  stealth ;  when  I  sometimes  made  up  to  his  chair, 
as  he  sat  to  view  his  labourers  in  the  field :  on  which 
occasions,  he  would  stroke  my  head,  bid  me  be  a 
good  boy,  and  promise  to  take  care  of  me.     I  was 
soon  after  sent  to  school  at  a  village  hard  by,  of 
which  he  had  been  dictator  time  out  of  mind;  but 
as  he  neither  paid  for  my  board,  nor  supplied  me 
with  clothes,  books,  and  other  necessaries  I  required, 
my  condition  was  very  ragged  and  contemptible; 
and  the   schoolmaster,  who,  through  fear  of   my 
grandfather,  taught  me  gratis,  gave  himself  no  con- 
cern about  the  progress  I  made  under  his  instruction. 
In  spite  of  all  these  difficulties  and  disgraces,  I 
became  a  good  proficient  in  the  Latin  tongue ;  and 
as  soon  as   I  could  write  tolerably,  pestered  my 
grandfather  with  letters  to  such  a  degree,  that  he 
sent  for  my  master,  and  chid  him  severely  for  be- 
stowing such  pains  on  my  education,  telling  him, 
that  if  ever  I  should  be  brought  to  the  gallows  for 
forgery,  which  he  had  taught  me  to  commit,  mj 

[9] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

blood  would  lie  on  his  head.  The  pedant,  who 
dreaded  nothing  more  than  the  displeasure  of  his 
patron,  assured  his  honour,  that  the  boy's  ability  was 
more  owing  to  his  own  genius  and  application,  than 
to  any  instruction  or  encouragement  he  received; 
that,  although  he  could  not  divest  him  of  the  knowl- 
edge he  had  already  imbibed,  unless  he  would  em- 
power him  to  disable  his  fingers,  he  should  endeavour, 
with  God's  help,  to  prevent  his  future  improvement. 
And,  indeed,  he  punctually  performed  what  he  had 
undertaken ;  for,  on  pretence  that  I  had  writ  imper- 
tinent letters  to  my  grandfather,  he  caused  a  board 
to  be  made  with  five  holes  in  it,  through  which  he 
thrust  the  fingers  and  thumb  of  my  right  hand,  and 
fastened  it  with  whip-cord  to  my  wrist,  in  such  a 
manner  as  effectually  debarred  me  the  use  of  my  pen. 
But  this  restraint  I  was  freed  from  in  a  few  days,  by 
an  accident  which  happened  in  a  quarrel  between  me 
and  another  boy,  who,  taking  upon  him  to  insult  my 
poverty,  I  was  so  incensed  at  his  ungenerous  reproach, 
that,  with  one  stroke  of  my  machine,  I  cut  him  to 
the  skull,  to  the  great  terror  of  myself  and  school- 
fellows, who  left  him  bleeding  on  the  ground,  and 
ran  to  inform  the  master  of  what  had  happened.  I 
was  so  severely  punished  for  this  trespass,  that,  were 
I  to  live  to  the  age  of  Methusalem,  the  impression  it 
made  on  me  would  not  be  effaced ;  no  more  than  the 
antipathy  and  horror  I  conceived  for  the  merciless 
[10] 


MALTREATED    BY    HIS    MASTER 

tyrant  who  inflicted  it.  The  contempt  which  my 
appearance  naturally  produced  in  all  who  saw  me, 
the  continual  wants  to  which  I  was  exposed,  and  my 
own  haughty  disposition,  impatient  of  affronts,  in- 
volved me  in  a  thousand  troublesome  adventures,  by 
which  I  was  at  length  inured  to  adversity,  and  em- 
boldened to  undertakings  far  above  my  years.  I  was 
often  inhumanly  scourged  for  crimes  I  did  not  com- 
mit ;  because,  having  the  character  of  a  vagabond  in 
the  village,  every  piece  of  mischief,  whose  author  lay 
unknown,  was  charged  upon  me.  I  have  been  found 
guilty  of  robbing  orchards  I  never  entered,  of  killing 
cats  I  never  hurted,  of  stealing  gingerbread  I  never 
touched,  and  of  abusing  old  women  I  never  saw. 
Nay,  a  stammering  carpenter  had  eloquence  enough 
to  persuade  my  master  that  I  fired  a  pistol,  loaded 
with  small  shot,  into  his  window ;  though  my  land- 
lady and  the  whole  family  bore  witness  that  I  was 
a-bed  fast  asleep  at  the  time  when  this  outrage  was 
committed.  I  was  once  flogged  for  having  narrowly 
escaped  drowning,  by  the  sinking  of  a  ferry-boat  in 
which  I  was  passenger ;  another  time  for  having  re- 
covered of  a  bruise  occasioned  by  a  horse  and  cart 
running  over  me;  a  third  time  for  being  bit  by  a 
baker's  dog.  In  short,  whether  I  was  guilty  or  un- 
fortunate, the  correction  and  sympathy  of  this  arbi- 
trary pedagogue  were  the  same. 

Far  from  being  subdued  by  this  infernal  usage,  my 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

indignation  triumphed  over  that  slavish  awe  which 
had  hitherto  enforced  my  obedience;  and  the  more 
my  years  and  knowledge  increased,  the  more  I  per- 
ceived the  injustice  and  barbarity  of  his  behaviour. 
By  the  help  of  an  uncommon  genius,  and  the  advice 
and  direction  of  our  usher,  who  had  served  my  father 
in  his  travels,  I  made  a  surprising  progress  in  the 
classics,  writing,  and  arithmetic;  so  that,  before  I 
was  twelve  years  old,  I  was  allowed  by  everybody  to 
be  the  best  scholar  in  the  school.  This  qualification, 
together  with  a  boldness  of  temper,  and  strength  of 
make,  which  had  subjected  almost  all  my  contempo- 
raries, gave  me  such  influence  over  them,  that  I  began 
to  form  cabals  against  my  persecutor,  and  was  in 
hopes  of  being  able  to  bid  him  defiance  in  a  very 
short  time.  Being  at  the  head  of  a  faction  consist- 
ing of  thirty  boys,  most  of  them  of  my  own  age,  I 
was  determined  to  put  their  metal  to  trial,  that  I 
might  know  how  far  they  were  to  be  depended  upon, 
before  I  put  my  grand  scheme  in  execution:  with 
this  view,  we  attacked  a  body  of  stout  apprentices, 
who  had  taken  possession  of  a  part  of  the  ground 
allotted  to  us  for  the  scene  of  our  diversions,  and 
who  were  then  playing  at  nine-pins  on  the  spot :  but 
I  had  the  mortification  to  see  my  adherents  routed  in 
an  instant,  and  a  leg  of  one  of  them  broke  in  his 
flight,  by  the  bowl,  which  one  of  our  adversaries  had 
detached  in  pursuit  of  us.  This  discomfiture  did  not 
[12] 


HE    FORMS    CABALS 

hinder  us  from  engaging  them  afterwards  in  frequent 
skirmishes,  which  we  maintained  by  throwing  stones 
at  a  distance,  wherein  I  received  many  wounds,  the 
scars  of  which  still  remain.  Our  enemies  were  so 
harassed  and  interrupted  by  these  alarms,  that  they 
at  last  abandoned  their  conquest,  and  left  us  to  the 
peaceable  enjoyment  of  our  own  territories.  It  would 
be  endless  to  enumerate  the  exploits  we  performed  in 
the  course  of  this  confederacy,  which  became  the 
terror  of  the  whole  village;  insomuch,  that  when 
different  interests  divided  it,  one  of  the  parties  com- 
monly courted  the  assistance  of  Roderick  Random 
(by  which  name  I  was  known),  to  cast  the  balance, 
and  keep  the  opposite  faction  in  awe. 

Meanwhile,  I  took  the  advantage  of  every  play-day 
to  present  myself  before  my  grandfather,  to  whom  I 
seldom  found  access,  by  reason  of  his  being  closely 
besieged  by  a  numerous  family  of  his  female  grand- 
children, who,  though  they  perpetually  quarrelled 
among  themselves,  never  failed  to  join  against  me,  as 
the  common  enemy  of  all.  His  heir,  who  was  about 
the  age  of  eighteen,  minded  nothing  but  fox-hunting, 
and,  indeed,  was  qualified  for  nothing  else,  notwith- 
standing his  grandfather's  indulgence,  in  entertaining 
a  tutor  for  him  at  home,  who  at  the  same  time  per- 
formed the  office  of  parish-clerk.  This  young  Actaeon, 
who  inherited  his  grandfather's  antipathy  to  every- 
thing in  distress,  never  set  eyes  on  me,  without  un- 
[18] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

coupling  his  beagles,  and  hunting  me  into  some 
cottage  or  other,  whither  I  generally  fled  for  shelter. 
In  this  Christian  amusement,  he  was  encouraged  by 
his  preceptor,  who,  no  doubt,  took  such  opportunities 
to  ingratiate  himself  with  the  rising  sun,  observing 
that  the  old  gentleman,  according  to  the  course  of 
nature,  had  not  long  to  live,  for  he  was  already  on 
the  verge  of  fourscore.  The  behaviour  of  this  rascally 
sycophant  incensed  me  so  much,  that  one  day,  when 
I  was  beleaguered  by  him  and  his  hounds  in  a  farmers 
house,  where  I  had  found  protection,  I  took  aim  at 
him  (being  an  excellent  marksman)  with  a  large 
pebble,  which  struck  out  four  of  his  fore-teeth,  and 
effectually  incapacitated  him  for  doing  the  office  of  a 
clerk. 


CHAPTER  THREE 

MY   MOTHER'S   BROTHER  ARRIVES  —  RELIEVES  ME  —  A 

DESCRIPTION   OF    HIM HE    GOES   ALONG   WITH   ME 

TO     THE    HOUSE    OF    MY    GRANDFATHER IS    EN- 
COUNTERED  BY   HIS  DOGS DEFEATS  THEM,  AFTER 

A    BLOODY    ENGAGEMENT IS    ADMITTED    TO    THE 

OLD  GENTLEMAN A  DIALOGUE  BETWEEN  THEM. 

ABOUT  this  time,  my  mother's  only  brother, 
who  had  been  long  abroad,  lieutenant  of 
a  man-of-war,  arrived  in  his  own  country  ; 
where,  being  informed  of  my  condition, 
he  came  to  see  me,  and,  out  of  his  slender  finances, 
not  only  supplied  me  with  what  necessaries  I  wanted 
for  the  present,  but  resolved  not  to  leave  the  country 
until  he  had  prevailed  on  my  grandfather  to  settle 
something  handsome  on  me  for  the  future.     This  was 
a  task  to  which  he  was  by  no  means  equal,  being  en- 
tirely ignorant,  not  only  of  the  judge's  disposition, 
but  also  unacquainted  with  the  ways  of  men  in  gen- 
eral, to  which  his  education  on  board  had  kept  him 
an   utter  stranger.     He   was  a  strong  built  man, 
somewhat  bandy-legged,  with  a  neck  like  that  of 
[15] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

a  bull,  and  a  face  which,  you  might  easily  per- 
ceive, had  withstood  the  most  obstinate  assaults  of 
the  weather.  His  dress  consisted  of  a  soldier's  coat, 
altered  for  him  by  the  ship's  tailor,  a  striped  flannel 
jacket,  a  pair  of  red  breeches,  japanned  with  pitch, 
clean  grey  worsted  stockings,  large  silver  buckles, 
that  covered  three-fourths  of  his  shoes,  a  silver-laced 
hat,  whose  crown  overlooked  the  brims  about  an 
inch  and  a  half,  a  black  bob  wig  in  buckle,  a  check 
shirt,  a  silk  handkerchief,  an  hanger  with  a  brass 
handle,  girded  to  his  thigh  by  a  tarnished  laced  belt, 
and  a  good  oak  plant  under  his  arm. 

Thus  equipped,  he  set  out  with  me  (who,  by  his 
bounty,  made  a  very  decent  appearance,)  for  my 
grandfather's  house,  where  we  were  saluted  by  Jowler 
and  Caesar,  whom  my  cousin,  young  master,  had  let 
loose  at  our  approach.  Being  well  acquainted  with 
the  inveteracy  of  these  curs,  I  was  about  to  take  my- 
self to  my  heels,  when  my  uncle  seized  me  with  one 
hand,  brandished  his  cudgel  with  the  other,  and  at 
one  blow  laid  Caesar  sprawling  on  the  ground;  but 
finding  himself  attacked  at  the  same  time  in  the  rear 
by  Jowler,  and  fearing  Caesar  might  recover,  he  drew 
his  hanger,  wheeled  about,  and,  by  a  lucky  stroke, 
severed  Jowler's  head  from  his  body.  By  this  time 
the  young  fox-hunter  and  three  servants,  armed  with 
pitchforks  and  flails,  were  come  to  the  assistance  of 
the  dogs,  whom  they  found  breathless  upon  the 
[16] 


VISIT    TO    HIS    GRANDFATHER 

field ;  and  my  cousin  was  so  provoked  at  the  death 
of  his  favourites,  that  he  ordered  his  attendants  to 
advance  and  take  vengeance  on  their  executioner* 
whom  he  loaded  with  all  the  curses  and  reproaches 
his  anger  could  suggest.  Upon  which  my  uncle 
stepped  forward  with  an  undaunted  air,  at  the 
sight  of  whose  bloody  weapon  his  antagonists  fell 
back  with  precipitation,  when  he  accosted  their  leader 
thus :  "  Lookee,  brother,  your  dogs  have  boarded 
me  without  provocation;  what  I  did  was  in  my 
own  defence.  So  you  had  best  be  civil,  and  let 
us  shoot  ahead  clear  of  you."  Whether  the  young 
squire  misinterpreted  my  uncle's  desire  of  peace,  or 
was  enraged  at  the  fate  of  his  hounds  beyond  his 
usual  pitch  of  resolution,  I  know  not;  but  he 
snatched  a  flail  from  one  of  his  followers,  and 
came  up  with  a  show  of  assaulting  the  lieutenant, 
who,  putting  himself  in  a  posture  of  defence,  pro- 
ceeded thus  :  "  Lookee,  you  lubberly  son  of  a  w — e, 
if  you  come  athwart  me,  'ware  your  gingerbread 
work ;  I  '11  be  foul  of  your  quarter,  d — n  me." 
This  declaration,  followed  by  a  flourish  of  his  hanger, 
seemed  to  check  the  progress  of  the  young  gentle- 
man's choler,  who,  looking  behind  him,  perceived 
his  attendants  had  slunk  into  the  house,  shut  the 
gate,  and  left  him  to  decide  the  contention  by  him- 
self. Here  a  parley  ensued,  which  was  introduced 
by  my  cousin's  asking,  "Who  the  d — 1  are  you? 
VOL.  i.— a  1 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

What  do  you  want  ?  —  Some  scoundrel  of  a  seaman, 
I  suppose,  who  has  deserted,  and  turned  thief.  But 
don't  think  you  shall  escape,  sirrah;  I'll  have  you 
hanged,  you  dog,  I  will ;  your  blood  shall  pay  for  that 
of  my  two  hounds,  you  ragamuffin.  I  would  not  have 
parted  with  them  to  save  your  whole  generation  from 
the  gallows,  you  ruffian,  you."  "  None  of  your  jaw. 
you  swab  — •  none  of  your  jaw,""  replied  my  uncle  — 
"  else  I  shall  trim  your  laced  jacket  for  you  —  I  shall 
rub  you  down  with  an  oaken  towel,  my  boy  —  I 
shall." 

So  saying,  he  sheathed  his  hanger,  and  grasped  his 
cudgel.  Meanwhile,  the  people  of  the  house  being 
alarmed,  one  of  my  female  cousins  opened  a  window, 
and  asked  what  was  the  matter?  "The  matter!" 
answered  the  lieutenant,  "no  great  matter,  young 
woman.  I  have  business  with  the  old  gentleman, 
and  this  spark,  belike,  won't  allow  me  to  come 
alongside  of  him,  that's  all."  After  a  few  min- 
utes' pause,  we  were  admitted,  and  conducted  to  my 
grandfather's  chamber,  through  a  lane  of  my  rela- 
tions, who  honoured  me  with  very  significant  looks, 
as  I  passed  along.  When  we  came  into  the  judge's 
presence,  my  uncle,  after  two  or  three  sea-bows, 
expressed  himself  in  this  manner :  "  Your  servant 
—  your  servant.  What  cheer,  father  ?  —  what 
cheer  ?  —  I  suppose  you  don't  know  me  —  mayhap 
you  don't.  My  name  is  Tom  Bowling;  and  this 


VISIT   TO    HIS    GRANDFATHER 

here  boy  —  you  look  as  if  you  did  not  know  him 
neither;  'tis  like  you  mayn't.  He's  new  rigg'd, 
i'  faith ;  his  cloth  don't  shake  in  the  wind  so  much 
as  it  wont  to  do.  Tis  my  nephew,  d'ye  see, 
Roderick  Random  —  your  own  flesh  and  blood,  old 
gentleman.  Don't  lag  astern,  you  dog"  (pulling 
me  forward).  My  grandfather,  who  was  laid  up 
with  the  gout,  received  this  relation,  after  his  long 
absence,  with  that  coldness  of  civility  which  was 
peculiar  to  him;  told  him  he  was  glad  to  see  him, 
and  desired  him  to  sit  down.  "  Thank  ye,  thank  ye, 
sir,  I  had  as  lief  stand,"  said  my  uncle.  "  For  my 
own  part,  I  desire  nothing  of  you ;  but  if  you  have 
any  conscience  at  all,  do  something  for  this  poor 
boy,  who  has  been  used  at  a  very  unchristian  rate. 
Unchristian,  do  I  call  it?  I  am  sure  the  Moors  in 
Barbary  have  more  humanity  than  to  leave  their 
little  ones  to  want.  I  would  fain  know  why  my 
sister's  son  is  more  neglected  than  that  there  fair- 
weather  Jack,"  (pointing  to  the  young  squire,  who, 
with  the  rest  of  my  cousins,  had  followed  us  into 
the  room).  "  Is  not  he  as  near  akin  to  you  as  the 
other  ?  Is  not  he  much  handsomer  and  better  built 
than  that  great  chucklehead  ?  Come,  come  —  con- 
sider, old  gentleman,  you  are  going  in  a  short  time 
to  give  an  account  of  your  evil  actions.  Remember 
the  wrongs  you  did  his  father;  and  make  all  the 
satisfaction  in  your  power,  before  it  be  too  late, 
[19] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

The  least  thing  you  can  do  is  to  settle  his  father's 
portion  on  him.1* 

The  young  ladies,  who  thought  themselves  too 
much  concerned  to  contain  themselves  any  longer, 
set  up  their  throats  all  together  against  my  pro- 
tector: "Scurvy  companion  —  saucy  tarpaulin  — 
rude,  impertinent  fellow  —  did  he  think  to  pre- 
scribe to  grandpapa?  His  sister's  brat  had  been 
too  well  taken  care  of;  grandpapa  was  too  just  not 
to  make  a  difference  between  an  unnatural  rebellious 
son,  and  his  dutiful  loving  children,  who  took  his 
advice  in  all  things "  —  and  such  expressions,  were 
vented  against  him  with  great  violence,  until  the 
judge  at  length  commanded  silence.  He  calmly 
rebuked  my  uncle  for  his  unmannerly  behaviour, 
which  he  said  he  would  excuse,  on  account  of  his 
education.  He  told  him  he  had  been  very  kind 
to  the  boy,  whom  he  had  kept  to  school  seven  or 
eight  years,  although  he  was  informed  he  made 
no  progress  in  his  learning,  but  was  addicted  to  all 
manner  of  vice ;  which  he  rather  believed,  because 
he  himself  was  witness  to  a  barbarous  piece  of  mis- 
chief he  had  committed  on  the  jaws  of  his  chaplain. 
But,  however,  he  would  see  what  the  lad  was  fit  for, 
and  bind  him  apprentice  to  some  honest  tradesman 
or  other,  provided  he  would  mend  his  manners,  and 
behave  for  the  future  as  became  him. 

The  honest  tar,  whose  pride  and  indignation  boiled 
[20] 


VISIT    TO    HIS    GRANDFATHER 

within  him,  answered  my  grandfather,  that  it  was 
true  he  had  sent  him  to  school,  but  it  had  cost  him 
nothing ;  for  he  had  never  been  at  one  shilling  ex- 
pense to  furnish  him  with  food,  raiment,  books,  or 
other  necessaries ;  so  that  it  was  not  to  be  much  won- 
dered at,  if  the  boy  made  small  progress ;  and  yet, 
whoever  told  him  so,  was  a  lying  lubberly  rascal,  and 
deserved  to  be  keelhauled.  For  though  he  (the  lieu- 
tenant) did  not  understand  those  matters  himself,  he 
was  well  informed  as  how  Rory  was  the  best  scholar  of 
his  age  in  all  the  country ;  the  truth  of  which  he  would 
maintain,  by  laying  a  wager  of  his  whole  half-year's 
pay  on  the  boy's  head ;  (with  these  words,  he  pulled 
out  his  purse,  and  challenged  the  company).  "  Neither 
is  he  predicted  to  vice,  as  you  affirm,  but  rather  left 
like  a  wreck,  d'  ye  see,  at  the  mercy  of  the  wind  and 
weather  by  your  neglect,  old  gentleman.  As  for 
what  happened  to  your  chaplain,  I  am  only  sorry 
that  he  did  not  knock  out  the  scoundrel's  brains, 
instead  of  his  teeth.  By  the  Lord,  if  ever  I  come  up 
with  him,  he  had  better  be  in  Greenland  —  that 's  all. 
Thank  you  for  your  courteous  offer  of  binding  the 
lad  apprentice  to  a  tradesman.  I  suppose  you  would 
make  a  tailor  of  him  —  would  you?  I  had  rather 
see  him  hanged,  d'ye  see.  Come  along,  Rory,  I  per- 
ceive how  the  land  lies,  my  boy ;  let 's  tack  about  — 
i' faith,  while  I  have  a  shilling,  thou  shan't  want  a 
tester.  B'wye,  old  gentleman,  you  're  bound  for  the 
[81] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

other  world,  but  I  believe  damnably  ill  provided  for 
the  voyage."  Thus  ended  our  visit,  and  we  returned 
to  the  village,  my  uncle  muttering  curses  all  the  way 
against  the  old  shark  and  the  young  fry  that  sur- 
rounded him. 


[22] 


CHAPTER  FOUR 

MY  GRANDFATHER  MAKES  HIS   WILL OUR  SECOND  VISIT 

HE    DIES HIS    WILL    IS    READ   IN  PRESENCE    OF 

ALL    HIS     LIVING    DESCENDANTS THE    DISAPPOINT- 
MENT  OF   MY  FEMALE  COUSINS MY    UNCLfi's    BE- 
HAVIOUR. 
\ 

A  FEW  weeks  after  our  first  visit,  we  were 
informed  that  the  old  judge,  at  the  end 
of  a  fit  of  thoughtfulness  which  lasted 
three  days,  had  sent  for  a  notary,  and 
made  his  will ;  that  the  distemper  had  mounted  from 
his  legs  to  his  stomach,  and,  being  conscious  of  his 
approaching  end,  he  had  desired  to  see  all  his  de- 
scendants without  exception.     In  obedience  to  this 
summons,  my  uncle  set  out  with  me  a  second  time, 
to  receive  the  last  benediction  of  my  grandfather; 
often   repeating  by  the  road,   "  Ey,  ey,  we  have 
brought  up  the  old  hulk  at  last.     You  shall  see,  — 
you  shall  see  the  effect  of  my  admonition."     When 
we  entered  his  chamber,  which  was  crowded  with  his 
relations,   we  advanced  to  the  bedside,  where  we 
found  him  in  his  last  agonies,  supported  by  two  of 
his  granddaughters,  who  sat  on  each  side  of  him, 
[23] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

sobbing  most  piteously,  and  wiping  away  the  froth 
and  slaver  as  it  gathered  on  his  lips,  which  they 
frequently  kissed  with  a  show  of  great  anguish  and 
affection.  My  uncle  approached  him  with  these 
words:  "What!  he's  not  aweigh?  How  fare  ye, 
old  gentleman  ?  —  Lord  have  mercy  upon  your  poor 
sinful  soul."  Upon  which  the  dying  man  turned  his 
languid  eyes  towards  us,  and  Mr.  Bowling  went  on, 
"  Here 's  poor  Rory  come  to  see  you  before  you  die, 
and  receive  your  blessing.  What,  man !  don't  des- 
pair, —  you  have  been  a  great  sinner,  *t  is  true,  what 
then?  There's  a  righteous  judge  above,  —  a'nt 
there?  —  He  minds  me  no  more  than  a  porpoise. 
Yes,  yes,  he 's  agoing,  —  the  land  crabs  will  have  him, 
I  see  that,  —  his  anchor's  apeak,  i' faith." 

This  homely  consolation  scandalised  the  company 
so  much,  and  especially  the  parson,  who  probably 
thought  his  province  invaded,  that  we  were  obliged 
to  retire  into  the  other  room,  where,  in  a  few  minutes, 
we  were  convinced  of  my  grandfather's  decease,  by  a 
dismal  yell  uttered  by  the  young  ladies  in  his  apart- 
ment ;  whither  we  immediately  hastened,  and  found 
his  heir,  who  had  retired  a  little  before  into  a  closet, 
under  pretence  of  giving  vent  to  his  sorrow,  asking, 
with  a  countenance  beslubbered  with  tears,  if  his 
grandpapa  was  certainly  dead  ?  —  "  Dead ! "  says  my 
uncle,  looking  at  the  body,  "  ay,  ay,  I  '11  warrant  him 
as  dead  as  a  herring.  Odds  fish !  now  my  dream  Ls 
[24] 


DEATH    OF    HIS    GRANDFATHER 

out  for  all  the  world.  I  thought  I  stood  upon  the 
forecastle,  and  saw  a  parcel  of  carrion  crows  foul  of 
a  dead  shark  that  floated  alongside,  and  the  devil 
perching  on  our  sprit-sail  yard,  in  the  likeness  of  a 
blue  bear,  —  who,  d'ye  see,  jumped  overboard  upon 
the  carcass,  and  carried  it  to  the  bottom  in  his  claws." 
"  Out  upon  thee,  reprobate !  "  cries  the  parson,  "  out 
upon  thee,  blasphemous  wretch  !  —  Dost  thou  think 
his  honour's  soul  is  in  the  possession  of  Satan  ?  "  The 
clamour  immediately  arose,  and  my  poor  uncle,  being 
shouldered  from  one  corner  of  the  room  to  the  other, 
was  obliged  to  lug  out  in  his  own  defence,  and  swear 
he  would  turn  out  for  no  man,  till  such  time  as  he  knew 
who  had  a  title  to  send  him  adrift.  "  None  of  your 
tricks  upon  travellers,"  said  he ;  "  mayhap  old  buff 
has  left  my  kinsman  here  his  heir  :  if  he  has,  it  will 
be  the  better  for  his  miserable  soul.  Odds  bob  !  I  'd 
desire  no  better  news.  I  'd  soon  make  him  a  clear 
ship,  I  warrant  you."  To  avoid  any  further  disturb- 
ance, one  of  my  grandfather's  executors,  who  was 
present,  assured  Mr.  Bowling  that  his  nephew  should 
have  all  manner  of  justice ;  that  a  day  should  be 
appointed,  after  the  funeral,  for  examining  the  papers 
of  the  deceased,  in  presence  of  all  his  relations ;  till 
which  time  every  desk  and  cabinet  in  the  house 
should  remain  close  sealed ;  and  that  he  was  very 
welcome  to  be  witness  to  this  ceremony,  which  was 
immediately  performed  to  his  satisfaction.  In  the 
[25] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

meantime,  orders  were  given  to  provide  mourning  for 
all  the  relations,  in  which  number  I  was  included: 
but  my  uncle  would  not  suffer  me  to  accept  of  it, 
until  I  should  be  assured  whether  or  not  I  had  reason 
to  honour  his  memory  so  far. 

During  this  interval,  the  conjectures  of  people,  with 
regard  to  the  old  gentleman's  will,  were  various.  As 
it  was  well  known  he  had,  besides  his  landed  estate, 
which  was  worth  ^700  per  annum,  six  or  seven  thou- 
sand pounds  at  interest,  some  imagined,  that  the 
whole  real  estate  (which  he  had  greatly  improved) 
would  go  to  the  young  man  whom  he  always  enter- 
tained as  his  heir;  and  that  the  money  would  be 
equally  divided  between  my  female  cousins  (five  in 
number)  and  me.  Others  were  of  opinion,  that  as 
the  rest  of  his  children  had  been  already  provided 
for,  he  would  only  bequeath  two  or  three  hundred 
pounds  to  each  of  his  granddaughters,  and  leave  the 
bulk  of  the  sum  to  me,  to  atone  for  his  unnatural 
usage  of  my  father.  At  length  the  important  hour 
arrived,  and  the  will  was  produced  in  the  midst  of 
the  expectants,  whose  looks  and  gestures  formed  a 
group  that  would  have  been  very  entertaining  to  an 
unconcerned  spectator.  But  the  reader  can  scarce 
conceive  the  astonishment  and  mortification  that  ap- 
peared, when  the  attorney  pronounced  aloud,  the 
young  squire  sole  heir  of  all  his  grandfather's  estate, 
personal  and  real.  My  uncle,  who  had  listened  with 
[26] 


READING    THE    WILL 

great  attention,  sucking  the  head  of  his  cudgel  all 
the  while,  accompanied  these  words  of  the  attorney 
with  a  stare,  and  whew,  that  alarmed  the  whole 
assembly.  The  eldest  and  pertest  of  my  female  com- 
petitors, who  had  been  always  very  officious  about 
my  grandfather's  person,  inquired  with  a  faltering 
accent,  and  visage  as  yellow  as  an  orange,  "  If  there 
were  no  legacies  ?  "  and  was  answered,  "  None  at  all." 
Upon  which  she  fainted  away.  The  rest,  whose 
expectations,  perhaps,  were  not  so  sanguine,  sup- 
ported their  disappointment  with  more  resolution ; 
though  not  without  giving  evident  marks  of  indigna- 
tion, and  grief  at  least  as  genuine  as  that  which 
appeared  in  them  at  the  old  gentleman's  death.  My 
conductor,  after  having  kicked  with  his  heel  for  some 
time  against  the  wainscot,  began:  "So  there's  no 
legacy,  friend,  ha !  —  here's  an  old  succubus ;  —  but 
somebody's  soul  howls  for  it,  d — n  me !  "  The  parson 
of  the  parish,  who  was  one  of  the  executors,  and 
had  acted  as  ghostly  director  to  the  old  man,  no 
sooner  heard  this  exclamation  than  he  cried  out, 
"  Avaunt,  unchristian  reviler !  avaunt !  —  wilt  thou 
not  allow  the  soul  of  his  honour  to  rest  in  peace  ? " 
But  this  zealous  pastor  did  not  find  himself  so  warmly 
seconded,  as  formerly,  by  the  young  ladies,  who 
now  joined  my  uncle  against  him,  and  accused  him 
of  having  acted  the  part  of  a  busy-body  with  their 
grandpapa,  whose  ears  he  had  certainly  abused  by 
[27] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

false  stories  to  their  prejudice,  or  else  he  would  not 
have  neglected  them  in  such  an  unnatural  manner. 
The  young  squire  was  much  diverted  with  this 
scene,  and  whispered  to  my  uncle,  that,  if  he  had 
not  murdered  his  dogs,  he  would  have  shown  him 
glorious  fun,  by  hunting  a  black  badger  (so  he  termed 
the  clergyman).  The  surly  lieutenant,  who  was  not 
\n  an  humour  to  relish  this  amusement,  replied, 
*  You  and  your  dogs  may  be  d — d ;  I  suppose  you  11 
find  them  with  your  old  dad,  in  the  latitude  of  hell. 
Come,  Rory  —  about  ship,  my  lad,  —  we  must  steer 
another  course,  I  think." —  And  away  we  went. 


CHAPTER  FIVE 

THE  SCHOOLMASTER   USES   ME  BARBAROUSLY I   FOBM   A 

PROJECT  OF  REVENGE,  IN  WHICH  I  AM  ASSISTED 
BY  MY  UNCLE I  LEAVE  THE  VILLAGE AM  SET- 
TLED AT  AN  UNIVERSITY  BY  HIS  GENEROSITY. 

ON  our  way  back  to  the  village,  my  uncle 
spoke  not  a  word  during  the  space  of  a 
whole  hour,   but   whistled,  with  great 
vehemence,  the  tune  of  "Why  should 
we  quarrel  for  riches,"  etc.,  his  visage  being  con- 
tracted all  the  while  into  a  most  formidable  frown. 
At  length  his  pace  increased  to  such  a  degree,  that  I 
was  left  behind  a  considerable  way.     Then  he  waited 
for  me ;  and,  when  I  was  almost  up  with  him,  called 
out  in  a  surly  tone,  "  Bear  a  hand,  damme !  must  I 
bring-to   every   minute   for  you,    you    lazy   dog?" 
Then,   laying  hold  of  me  by  the  arm,  hauled  me 
along,  until  his  good  nature,  of  which  he  had  a  great 
share,  and  reflection  getting  the  better  of  his  passion, 
he  said,  "  Come,  my  boy,  don't  be  cast  down,  —  the 
old  rascal  is  in  hell,  —  that's  some  satisfaction ;  you 
shall  go  to  sea  with  me,  my  lad.  —  *  A  light  heart 
and  a  thin  pair  of  breeches  goes  through  the  world, 
[tt] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

brave  boys,'  as  the  song  goes,  eh!"  Though  this 
proposal  did  not  at 'all  suit  my  inclination,  I  was 
afraid  of  discovering  any  aversion  to  it,  lest  I  should 
disoblige  the  only  friend  I  had  in  the  world ;  and  he 
was  so  much  a  seaman,  that  he  never  dreamt  I  could 
have  any  objection  to  his  design,  consequently  gave 
himself  no  trouble  in  consulting  my  approbation. 
But  this  resolution  was  soon  dropt,  by  the  advice  of 
our  usher,  who  assured  Mr.  Bowling,  it  would  be  a 
thousand  pities  to  balk  my  genius,  which  would  cer- 
tainly, one  day,  make  my  fortune  on  shore,  provided 
it  received  due  cultivation.  Upon  which  this  gener- 
ous tar  determined,  though  he  could  ill  afford  it,  to 
give  me  university  education ;  and  accordingly  settled 
my  board  and  other  expenses,  at  a  town  not  many 
miles  distant,  famous  for  its  colleges,  whither  we  re- 
paired in  a  short  time.  But,  before  the  day  of  our 
departure,  the  schoolmaster,  who  no  longer  had  the 
fear  of  my  grandfather  before  his  eyes,  laid  aside  all 
decency  and  restraint,  and  not  only  abused  me  in  the 
grossest  language  his  rancour  could  suggest,  as  a 
wicked,  profligate,  dull,  beggarly  miscreant,  whom  he 
had  taught  out  of  charity ;  but  also  inveighed  in  the 
most  bitter  manner  against  the  memory  of  the  judge, 
(who,  by  the  by,  had  procured  that  settlement  for 
him,)  hinting  in  pretty  plain  terms,  that  the  old 
gentleman's  soul  was  damn'd  to  all  eternity,  for  his 
injustice  in  neglecting  to  pay  for  my  learning. 
[30] 


FLOT    AGAINST    SCHOOLMASTER 

This  brutal  behaviour,  added  to  the  sufferings  I 
had  fonnerly  undergone,  made  me  think  it  high  time 
to  be  revenged  of  this  insolent  pedagogue.  Having 
consulted  my  adherents,  I  found  them  all  staunch  in 
their  promises  to  stand  by  me ;  and  our  scheme  was 
this :  in  the  afternoon  preceding  the  day  of  my  de- 
parture for  the  university,  I  resolved  to  take  the 
advantage  of  the  usher's  going  out  to  make  water, 
which  he  regularly  did  at  four  o'clock,  and  shut  the 
great  door,  that  he  might  not  come  to  the  assistance 
of  his  superior.  This  being  done,  the  assault  was  to 
be  begun,  by  my  advancing  to  my  master,  and  spit- 
ting in  his  face.  I  was  to  be  seconded  by  two  of  the 
strongest  boys  in  the  school,  who  were  devoted  to 
me ;  their  business  was  to  join  me  in  dragging  the 
tyrant  to  a  bench,  over  which  he  was  to  be  laid,  and 
his  bare  posteriors  heartily  flogged  with  his  own 
birch,  which  we  proposed  to  wrest  from  him  in  the 
struggle ;  but  if  we  should  find  him  too  many  for  us 
all  three,  we  were  to  demand  the  assistance  of  our 
competitors,  who  should  be  ready  to  reinforce  us,  or 
oppose  anything  that  might  be  undertaken  for  the 
master's  relief.  One  of  my  principal  assistants  was 
called  Jeremy  Gawky,  son  and  heir  of  a  wealthy 
gentleman  in  the  neighbourhood ;  and  the  name  of 
the  other,  Hugh  Strap,  the  cadet  of  a  family  which 
had  given  shoemakers  to  the  village  time  out  of  mind. 
I  had  once  saved  Gawky's  life,  by  plunging  into  a 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

river,  and  dragging  him  on  shore,  when  he  was  on 
the  point  of  being  drowned.  I  had  often  rescued 
him  from  the  clutches  of  those  whom  his  insufferable 
arrogance  had  provoked  to  a  resentment  he  was  not 
able  to  sustain  ;  and  many  times  saved  his  reputation 
and  posteriors,  by  performing  his  exercises  at  school ; 
so  that  it  is  not  to  be  wondered  at  if  he  had  a  par- 
ticular regard  for  me  and  my  interests.  The  attach- 
ment of  Strap  flowed  from  a  voluntary  disinterested 
inclination,  which  had  manifested  itself  on  many 
occasions  on  my  behalf,  he  having  once  rendered  me 
the  same  service  that  I  had  done  Gawky,  by  saving 
my  life  at  the  risk  of  his  own  ;  and  often  fathered 
offences  that  I  had  committed,  for  which  he  suffered 
severely,  rather  than  I  should  feel  the  weight  of  the 
punishment  I  deserved.  These  two  champions  were 
the  more  willing  to  engage  in  this  enterprise,  because 
they  intended  to  leave  the  school  the  next  day  as 
well  as  I,  the  first  being  ordered  by  his  father  to 
return  into  the  country,  and  the  other  being  bound 
apprentice  to  a  barber,  at  a  market  town  not  far 
off. 

In  the  meantime,  my  uncle  being  informed  of  my 
master's  behaviour  to  me,  was  enraged  at  his  inso- 
lence, and  vowed  revenge  so  heartily,  that  I  could  not 
refrain  from  telling  him  the  scheme  I  had  concerted, 
which  he  heard  with  great  satisfaction,  at  every  sen- 
tence squirting  out  a  mouthful  of  spittle,  tinctured 
[32] 


ASSISTED    BY    HIS    UNCLE 

with  tobacco,  of  which  he  constantly  chewed  a  large 
quid.  At  last,  pulling  up  his  breeches,  he  cried, 
"  No,  no,  z — ds  !  that  won't  do,  neither.  Howsom- 
ever,  'tis  a  bold  undertaking,  my  lad,  that  I  must 
say,  i'  faith !  But,  lookee,  lookee,  how  dost  propose 
to  get  clear  off?  —  won't  the  enemy  give  chase,  my 
boy  ?  ay,  ay,  that  he  will,  I  warrant,  and  alarm  the 
whole  coast.  Ah !  God  help  thee,  more  sail  than  bal- 
last, Rory.  Let  me  alone  for  that  —  leave  the  whole 
to  me  —  I  '11  show  him  the  foretop-sail,  I  will.  If  so 
be  your  shipmates  are  jolly  boys,  and  won't  flinch, 
you  shall  see,  you  shall  see ;  egad,  I  '11  play  him  a 
salt-water  trick ;  I  '11  bring  him  to  the  gangway,  and 
anoint  him  with  a  cat-o'-nine-tails ;  he  shall  have  a 
round  dozen  doubled,  my  lad,  he  shall,  and  be  left 
lashed  to  his  meditations." 

We  were  very  proud  of  our  associate,  who  immedi- 
ately went  to  work,  and  prepared  the  instrument  of 
his  revenge  with  great  skill  and  expedition;  after 
which,  he  ordered  our  baggage  to  be  packed  up,  and 
sent  off  a  day  before  our  attempt,  and  got  horses 
ready  to  be  mounted,  as  soon  as  the  affair  should  be 
over.  At  length  the  hour  arrived,  when  our  auxiliary, 
seizing  the  opportunity  of  the  usher's  absence,  bolted 
in,  secured  the  door,  and  immediately  laid  hold  of 
the  pedant  by  his  collar,  who  bawled  out,  "  Murder ! 
thieves!"  with  the  voice  of  a  Stentor.  Though  I 
trembled  all  over  like  an  aspen-leaf,  I  knew  there 

VOL.  I.— 3  [33] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

was  no  time  to  be  lost,  and  accordingly  got  up,  and 
summoned  our  associates  to  my  assistance.  Strap, 
without  any  hesitation,  obeyed  the  signal ;  and  see- 
ing me  leap  upon  the  master's  back,  ran  immediately 
to  one  of  his  legs,  which,  pulling  with  all  his  force, 
his  dreadful  adversary  was  humbled  to  the  ground ; 
upon  which  Gawky,  who  had  hitherto  remained  in 
his  place,  under  the  influence  of  an  universal  trepi- 
dation, hastened  to  the  scene  of  action,  and  insulted 
the  fallen  tyrant  with  a  loud  huzza,  in  which  the 
whole  school  joined. 

This  noise  alarmed  the  usher,  who,  finding  himself 
shut  out,  endeavoured,  partly  by  threats,  and  partly 
by  entreaties,  to  procure  admission.  My  uncle  bade 
him  have  a  little  patience,  and  he  would  let  him  in 
presently ;  but,  if  he  pretended  to  move  from  that 
place,  it  should  fare  worse  with  the  son  of  a  b — h, 
his  superior,  on  whom  he  intended  only  to  bestow  a 
little  wholesome  chastisement,  for  his  barbarous  usage 
of  Rory ;  "  to  which,"  said  he,  "  you  are  no  stranger."" 
By  this  time  we  had  dragged  the  criminal  to  a  post, 
to  which  Bowling  tied  him  with  a  rope  he  had  pro- 
vided on  purpose,  after  having  secured  his  hands, 
and  stript  his  back.  In  this  ludicrous  posture  he 
stood,  (to  the  no  small  entertainment  of  the  boys, 
who  crowded  about  him,  and  shouted  with  great 
exultation  at  the  novelty  of  the  sight,)  venting  bitter 
imprecations  against  the  lieutenant,  and  reproaching 
[34] 


SCHOOLMASTER    FLOGGED 

his  scholars  with  treachery  and  rebellion,  when  the 
usher  was  admitted,  whom  my  uncle  accosted  in  this 
manner  :  "  Harkee,  Mr.  Syntax,  I  believe  you  are  an 
honest  man,  d'  ye  see,  and  I  have  a  respect  for  you ; 
but,  for  all  that,  we  must,  for  our  own  security,  d'  ye 
see,  belay  you  for  a  short  time."  With  these  words, 
he  pulled  out  some  fathoms  of  cord,  which  the  honest 
man  no  sooner  saw,  than  he  protested  with  great 
earnestness  he  would  allow  no  violence  to  be  offered 
to  him  ;  at  the  same  time  accusing  me  of  perfidy  and 
ingratitude.  But  Bowling  representing  that  it  was 
in  vain  to  resist,  and  that  he  did  not  mean  to  use 
him  with  violence  and  indecency,  but  only  to  hinder 
him  from  raising  the  hue  and  cry  against  us  before 
we  should  be  out  of  their  power,  he  allowed  himself 
to  be  bound  to  his  own  desk,  where  he  sat  a  spectator 
of  the  punishment  inflicted  on  his  principal.  My 
uncle  having  upbraided  this  arbitrary  wretch  with 
his  inhumanity  to  me,  told  him  that  he  proposed  to 
give  him  a  little  discipline  for  the  good  of  his  soul, 
which  he  immediately  put  in  practice  with  great 
vigour  and  dexterity.  This  smart  application  to  the 
pedant's  withered  posteriors,  gave  him  such  exquisite 
pain,  that  he  roared  like  a  mad  bull,  danced,  cursed, 
and  blasphemed,  like  a  frantic  bedlamite.  When 
the  lieutenant  thought  himself  sufficiently  revenged, 
he  took  his  leave  of  him  in  these  words :  "  Now, 
friend,  you  '11  remember  me  the  longest  day  you  have 
[35] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

to  live  ;  I  have  given  you  a  lesson  that  will  let  you 
know  what  flogging  is,  and  teach  you  to  have  more 
sympathy  for  the  future  —  shout,  boys,  shout."  This 
ceremony  was  no  sooner  over,  than  my  uncle  pro- 
posed they  should  quit  the  school,  and  convoy  their 
old  comrade  Rory  to  a  public-house,  about  a  mile 
from  the  village,  where  he  would  treat  them  all.  His 
offer  being  joyfully  embraced,  he  addressed  himself 
to  Mr.  Syntax,  and  begged  him  to  accompany  us; 
but  this  invitation  he  refused  with  great  disdain, 
telling  my  benefactor  he  was  not  the  man  he  took 
him  to  be.  "  Well,  well,  old  surly,"  replied  my  uncle, 
shaking  his  hand,  "thou  art  an  honest  fellow  not- 
withstanding ;  and  if  ever  I  have  the  command  of  a 
ship,  thou  shalt  be  our  schoolmaster,  i1  faith."  So 
saying,  he  dismissed  the  boys,  and  locking  the  door, 
left  the  two  preceptors  to  console  one  another,  while 
we  moved  forwards  on  our  journey,  attended  by  a 
numerous  retinue,  whom  he  treated  according  to  his 
promise.  We  parted  with  many  tears,  and  lay  that 
night  at  an  inn  on  the  road,  about  ten  miles  short  of 
the  town  where  I  was  to  remain,  at  which  we  arrived 
next  day ;  and  I  found  I  had  no  cause  to  complain  of 
the  accommodations  provided  for  me,  in  being  boarded 
at  the  house  of  an  apothecary,  who  had  married  a 
distant  relation  of  my  mother.  In  a  few  days  after, 
my  uncle  set  out  for  his  ship,  having  settled  the 
necessary  funds  for  my  maintenance  and  education. 
[36] 


CHAPTER  SIX 

I  MAKE  GREAT  PROGRESS  IN  MY  STUDIES AM  CARESSED 

BY  EVERYBODY MY  FEMALE  COUSINS  TAKE  NOTICE 

OF  ME 1  REJECT  THEIR  INVITATION THEY  ARE 

INCENSED,  AND  CONSPIRE  AGAINST  ME I  AM  LEFT 

DESTITUTE  BY  A   MISFORTUNE   THAT  BEFALLS   MY 
UNCLE  —  GAWKY'S  TREACHERY  —  MY  REVENGE. 

AS  I  was  now  capable  of  reflection,  I  began 
to  consider  my  precarious  situation ;  that 
I  was  utterly  abandoned  by  those  whose 
duty  it  was  to  protect  me ;  and  that  my 
sole  dependence  was  on  the  generosity  of  one  man, 
who  was  not  only  exposed  by  his  profession  to  con- 
tinual dangers,  which  might  one  day  deprive  me  of 
him  for  ever ;  but  also,  no  doubt,  subject  to  those 
vicissitudes  of  disposition  which  a  change  of  fortune 
usually  creates,  or  which  a  better  acquaintance  with 
the  world  might  produce ;  for  I  always  ascribed  his 
benevolence  to  the  dictates  of  a  heart  as  yet  unde- 
bauched  by  a  commerce  with  mankind.     Alarmed  at 
these  considerations,  I  resolved  to  apply  myself  with 
great  care  to  my  studies,  and  enjoy  the  opportunity 
in  my  power :  this  I  did  with  such  success,  that,  in 
[87] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  space  of  three  years,  I  understood  Greek  very 
well,  was  pretty  far  advanced  in  the  mathematics, 
and  no  stranger  to  moral  and  natural  philosophy; 
logic  I  made  no  account  of;  but,  above  all  things,  I 
valued  myself  on  my  taste  in  the  Belles  Lettres,  and 
a  talent  for  poetry,  which  had  already  produced  some 
pieces  that  met  with  a  very  favourable  reception. 
These  qualifications,  added  to  a  good  face  and  shape, 
acquired  the  esteem  and  acquaintance  of  the  most 
considerable  people  in  town ;  and  I  had  the  satisfac- 
tion to  find  myself  in  some  degree  of  favour  with  the 
ladies  —  an  intoxicating  piece  of  good  fortune  to  one 
of  my  amorous  complexion  !  —  which  I  obtained,  or, 
at  least,  preserved,  by  gratifying  their  propensity  to 
scandal  in  lampooning  their  rivals.  Two  of  my 
female  cousins  lived  in  this  place  with  their  mother, 
since  the  death  of  their  father,  who  left  his  whole 
fortune  equally  divided  between  them ;  so  that,  if 
they  were  not  the  most  beautiful,  they  were  at  least 
the  richest  toasts  in  town,  and  received  daily  the 
addresses  of  all  the  beaux  and  cavaliers  of  th6 
country.  Although  I  had  hitherto  been  looked 
upon  by  them  with  the  most  supercilious  contempt, 
my  character  now  attracted  their  notice  so  much, 
that  I  was  given  to  understand  I  might  be  honoured 
with  their  acquaintance,  if  I  pleased. 

The  reader  will  easily  perceive  that  this  conde- 
scension either  flowed  from  the  hope  of  making  my 
[88] 


COUSINS    CONSPIRE    AGAINST    HIM 

poetical  capacity  subservient  to  their  malice,  or,  at 
least,  of  screening  themselves  from  the  lash  of  my 
resentment,  which  they  had  effectually  provoked.  I 
enjoyed  this  triumph  with  great  satisfaction ;  and 
not  only  rejected  their  offer  with  disdain,  but,  in  all 
my  performances,  whether  satire  or  panegyric,  indus- 
triously avoided  mentioning  their  names,  even  while 
I  celebrated  those  of  their  intimates.  This  neglect 
mortified  their  pride  exceedingly,  and  incensed  them 
to  such  a  degree,  that  they  were  resolved  to  make  me 
repent  of  my  indifference.  The  first  stroke  of  their 
revenge  consisted  in  their  hiring  a  poor  collegian  to 
write  verses  against  me,  the  subject  of  which  was  my 
own  poverty,  and  the  catastrophe  of  my  unhappy 
parents.  But,  besides  the  badness  of  the  com- 
position, (of  which  they  themselves  were  ashamed,) 
they  did  not  find  their  account  in  endeavouring  to 
reproach  me  with  those  misfortunes  which  they  and 
their  relations  had  brought  upon  me,  and  which, 
consequently,  reflected  much  more  dishonour  on 
themselves  than  on  me,  who  was  the  innocent  vic- 
tim of  their  barbarity  and  avarice.  Finding 'this 
plan  miscarry,  they  found  means  to  irritate  a  young 
gentleman  against  me,  by  telling  him  I  had  lam- 
pooned his  mistress ;  and  so  effectually  succeeded  in 
the  quality  of  incendiaries,  that  this  enraged  lover 
determined  to  seize  me  next  night,  as  I  returned 
to  my  lodgings  from  a  friend's  house  that  I  fre- 
[39] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

quented.  With  this  view,  he  waited  in  the  street, 
attended  by  two  of  his  companions,  to  whom  he  had 
imparted  his  design,  of  carrying  me  down  to  the  river, 
in  which  he  proposed  to  have  me  heartily  ducked, 
notwithstanding  the  severity  of  the  weather,  it  being 
then  about  the  middle  of  December.  But  this  strata- 
gem did  not  succeed ;  for,  being  apprised  of  their  am- 
bush,  I  got  home  another  way,  and,  by  the  help  of  my 
landlord's  apprentice,  discharged  a  volley  from  the 
garret  window,  which  did  great  execution  upon  them ; 
and,  next  day,  occasioned  so  much  mirth  at  their  ex- 
pense, that  they  found  themselves  under  a  necessity 
of  leaving  the  town,  until  the  adventure  should  be 
entirely  forgotten.  My  cousins,  though  twice  baf- 
fled in  their  expectation,  did  not,  however,  desist 
from  persecuting  me,  who  had  now  enraged  them 
beyond  a  possibility  of  forgiveness,  by  detecting 
their  malice,  and  preventing  its  effects.  Neither 
should  I  have  found  them  more  humane,  had  I 
patiently  submitted  to  their  rancour,  and  bor[n]e, 
without  murmuring,  the  rigour  of  their  unreasonable 
hate ;  for  I  have  found,  by  experience,  that,  though 
small  favours  may  be  acknowledged,  and  slight  in- 
juries atoned,  there  is  no  wretch  so  ungrateful  as  he 
whom  you  have  most  generously  obliged;  and  no 
enemy  so  implacable  as  those  who  have  done  you 
the  greatest  wrong.  These  good-natured  creatures, 
therefore,  had  recourse  to  a  scheme  which  conspired, 
[40] 


IS    LEFT    DESTITUTE 

with  a  piece  of  bad  news  I  soon  after  received,  to  give 
them  all  the  satisfaction  they  desired. 

This  plan  was  to  debauch  the  faith  of  my  compan- 
ion and  confident,  who  betrayed  the  trust  I  reposed 
in  him,  by  imparting  to  them  the  particulars  of  my 
small  amours,  which  they  published  with  such  exag- 
gerations, that  I  suffered  very  much  in  the  opinion 
of  everybody,  and  was  utterly  discarded  by  the  dear 
creatures  whose  names  had  been  called  in  question. 
While  I  was  busy  in  tracing  out  the  author  of  this 
treachery,  that  I  might  not  only  be  revenged  on  him, 
but  also  vindicate  my  character  to  my  friends,  I  one 
day  perceived  the  looks  of  my  landlady  much  altered 
when  I  went  home  to  dinner,  and  inquiring  into  the 
cause,  she  screwed  up  her  mouth,  and  fixing  her  eyes 
on  the  ground,  told  me  her  husband  had  received  a 
letter  from  Mr.  Bowling,  with  one  enclosed  for  me  — 
she  was  very  sorry  for  what  had  happened,  both  for 
my  sake  and  his  own  —  people  should  be  more  cau- 
tious of  their  conduct.  She  was  always  afraid  his 
brutal  behaviour  would  bring  him  into  some  mis- 
fortune or  other.  As  for  her  part,  she  would  be 
very  ready  to  befriend  me,  but  she  had  a  small 
family  of  her  own  to  maintain.  The  world  would 
do  nothing  for  her  if  she  should  come  to  want  — 
charity  begins  at  home.  She  wished  I  had  been 
bound  to  some  substantial  handicraft,  such  as  a 
weaver,  or  a  shoemaker,  rather  than  loiter  away 
[41] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

my  time  in  learning  foolish  nonsense  that  would 
never  bring  me  in  a  penny  —  but  some  folks  are 
wise,  and  some  are  otherwise.  I  was  listening  to 
this  mysterious  discourse  with  great  amazement, 
when  her  husband  entered,  and,  without  speaking 
a  syllable,  put  both  the  letters  into  my  hand.  I 
received  them  trembling,  and  read  what  follows :  — 

To  MR.  ROGER  POTION. 

"  SIR,  —  This  is  to  let  you  know  that  I  have  quitted 
the  Thunder  man  of  war,  being  obliged  to  sheer  off,  for 
killing  my  captain,  which  I  did  fairly  on  the  beach  at 
Cape  Tiberoon,  in  the  island  of  Hispaniola ;  having  re- 
ceived his  fire,  and  returned  it,  which  went  through  his 
body.  And  I  would  serve  the  best  man  so  that  ever 
stept  between  stem  and  stern,  if  so  be  that  he  struck 
me,  as  Captain  Oakum  did.  I  am,  thank  God,  safe 
among  the  French,  who  are  very  civil,  tho'  I  don't 
understand  their  lingo :  and  I  hope  to  be  restored  in 
a  little  time,  for  all  the  great  friends  and  parliamentary 
interest  of  the  captain,  for  I  have  sent  over  to  my  land- 
lord in  Deal  an  account  of  the  whole  affair,  with  our 
bearings  and  distances  while  we  were  engaged,  whereby 
I  have  desired  him  to  lay  it  before  his  Majesty,  who 
(God  bless  him)  will  not  suffer  an  honest  tar  to  be 
wronged.  My  love  to  your  spouse,  and  am 

"  Your  loving  friend  and  servant  to  command,  while 

"  THOMAS  BOWLING." 

To  RODERICK  RANDOM. 

"  DEAR  RORY,  —  Don't  be  grieved  at  my  misfortune ; 
but  mind  your  book,  my  lad.     I  have  got  no  money  to 
[42] 


IS    LEFT    DESTITUTE 

send  you ;  but  what  of  that  ?  —  Mr.  Potion  will  take 
care  of  you,  for  the  love  he  bears  me,  and  let  you  want 
for  nothing,  and  it  shall  go  hard  but  I  will  see  him  one 
day  repaid.  No  more  at  present,  but  rests 

"  Your  dutiful  uncle  and  servant  till  death, 
"  THOMAS  BOWLING." 

This  letter,  which  with  the  other  was  dated  from 
Port  Louis  in  Hispaniola,  I  had  no  sooner  read,  than 
the  apothecary,  shaking  his  head,  began :  "  I  have  a 
very  great  regard  for  Mr.  Bowling,  that 's  certain,  — 
and  could  be  well  content  —  but  times  are  very  hard. 
There 's  no  such  thing  as  money  to  be  got  —  I  be- 
lieve 'tis  all  vanished  under  ground,  for  my  part. 
Besides,  I  have  been  out  of  pocket  already,  having 
entertained  you  since  the  beginning  of  this  month 
without  receiving  a  sixpence,  —  and  God  knows  if 
ever  I  shall ;  —  for  I  believe  it  will  go  hard  with  your 
uncle.  And  more  than  that,  I  was  thinking  of  giv- 
ing you  warning,  for  I  want  your  apartment  for  a 
new  'prentice,  whom  I  expect  from  the  country  every 
hour.  So  I  desire  you  will  this  week  provide  your- 
self with  another  lodging.1'1 

The  indignation  which  this  harangue  inspired, 
gave  me  spirits  to  support  my  reverse  of  fortune,  and 
to  tell  him,  I  despised  his  mean  selfish  disposition  so 
much,  that  I  would  starve  rather  than  be  beholden 
to  him  for  one  single  meal.  Upon  which,  out  of  my 
pocket-money,  I  paid  him  to  the  last  farthing  of 
[43] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

what  I  owed,  and  assured  him  I  would  not  sleep 
another  night  under  his  roof.  This  said,  I  sallied 
out  in  a  transport  of  rage  and  sorrow,  without  know- 
ing whither  to  fly  for  shelter,  having  not  one  friend 
in  the  world  capable  of  relieving  me,  and  only  three 
shillings  in  my  purse.  After  giving  way  for  a  few 
minutes  to  the  dictates  of  my  rage,  I  went  and  hired 
a  small  bedroom,  at  the  rate  of  one  shilling  and  six- 
pence per  we^k,  which  I  was  obliged  to  pay  per  ad- 
vance, before  the  landlord  would  receive  me.  Thither 
I  removed  my  luggage ;  and  next  morning  got  up, 
with  a  view  of  craving  the  advice  and  assistance  of  a 
person  who  had  on  all  occasions  loaded  me  with 
caresses,  and  made  frequent  offers  of  friendship,  while 
I  was  under  no  necessity  of  accepting  them.  He 
received  me  with  his  wonted  affability,  and  insisted  on 
my  breakfasting  with  him  —  a  favour  which  I  did  not 
think  fit  to  refuse.  But,  when  I  communicated  the 
occasion  of  my  visit,  he  appeared  so  disconcerted,  that 
I  concluded  him  wonderfully  affected  with  the  misery 
of  my  condition,  and  looked  upon  him  as  a  man  of  the 
most  extensive  sympathy  and  benevolence.  He  did 
not  leave  me  long  under  this  mistake ;  for,  recovering 
himself  from  his  confusion,  he  told  me,  he  was  grieved 
at  my  misfortune,  and  desired  to  know  what  had 
passed  between  my  landlord  Mr.  Potion  and  me. 
Whereupon  I  recounted  the  conversation ;  and  when 
I  repeated  the  answer  I  made  to  his  ungenerous 
[44] 


REVENGE    ON    GAWKY 

remonstrance  with  regard  to  my  leaving  his  house, 
this  pretended  friend  affected  a  stare,  and  exclaimed, 
"  Is  it  possible  you  could  behave  so  ill  to  the  man 
who  had  treated  you  so  kindly  all  along  j "  My  sur- 
prise at  hearing  this  was  not  at  all  affected,  whatever 
his  might  be;  and  I  gave  him  to  understand,  with 
some  warmth,  that  I  did  not  imagine  he  would  so 
unreasonably  espouse  the  cause  of  a  scoundrel,  who 
ought  to  be  expelled  from  every  social  community. 
This  heat  of  mine  gave  him  all  the  advantage  he 
desired  over  me,  and  our  discourse,  after  much  alter- 
cation, concluded  in  his  desiring  never  to  see  me 
again  in  that  place;  to  which  desire  I  yielded  my 
consent,  assuring  him,  that  had  I  been  as  well  ac- 
quainted with  his  principles  formerly  as  I  was  now, 
he  never  should  have  had  an  opportunity  of  making 
that  request ;  —  and  thus  we  parted. 

On  my  return  I  met  my  comrade,  Squire  Gawky, 
whom  his  father  had  sent,  some  time  ago,  to  town 
for  his  improvement  in  writing,  dancing,  fencing,  and 
other  modish  qualifications.  As  I  had  lived  with 
him,  since  his  arrival,  on  the  footing  of  our  old  inti- 
macy, I  made  no  scruple  of  informing  him  of  the 
lowness  of  my  circumstances,  and  asking  a  small 
supply 'of  money,  to  answer  my  present  expense; 
upon  which  he  pulled  out  a  handful  of  halfpence, 
with  a  shilling  or  two  among  them,  and  swore  that 
was  all  he  had  to  keep  his  pocket  till  next  quarter- 
[45] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

day,  he  having  lost  the  greatest  part  of  his  allowance 
the  night  before  at  billiards.  Though  this  assertion 
might  very  well  be  true,  I  was  extremely  mortified  at 
his  indifference;  for  he  neither  expressed  any  sym- 
pathy for  my  mishap,  nor  desire  of  alleviating  my 
distress;  and  accordingly  I  left  him  without  utter- 
ing one  word.  But,  when  I  afterwards  understood 
that  he  was  the  person  who  had  formerly  betrayed 
me  to  the  malice  of  my  cousins,  to  whom  likewise  he 
had  carried  the  tidings  of  my  forlorn  situation,  which 
afforded  them  great  matter  of  triumph  and  exulta- 
tion, I  determined  with  myself  to  call  him  to  a  severe 
account ;  for  which  purpose  I  borrowed  a  sword,  and 
wrote  a  challenge,  desiring  him  to  meet  me  at  a  cer- 
tain time  and  place,  that  I  might  have  an  opportunity 
of  punishing  his  perfidy,  at  the  expense  of  his  blood. 
He  accepted  the  invitation ;  and  I  betook  myself  to 
the  field,  though  not  without  feeling  considerable 
repugnance  to  the  combat,  which  frequently  attacked 
me  in  cold  sweats  by  the  way :  but  the  desire  of 
revenge,  the  shame  of  retracting,  and  hope  of  con- 
quest, conspired  to  repel  these  unmanly  symptoms  of 
fear ;  and  I  appeared  on  the  plain  with  a  good  grace. 
There  I  waited  an  hour  beyond  the  time  appointed, 
and  was  not  ill-pleased  to  find  he  had  no  mind  to 
meet  me ;  because  I  should  have  an  opportunity  of 
exposing  his  cowardice,  displaying  my  own  courage, 
and  of  beating  him  soundly  wheresoever  I  should 
[46] 


REVENGE    ON    GAWKY 

find  him,  without  any  dread  of  the  consequence. 
Elevated  with  these  suggestions,  which  entirely  ban- 
ished all  thoughts  of  my  deplorable  condition,  I  went 
directly  to  Gawky's  lodgings,  where  I  was  informed 
of  his  precipitate  retreat,  he  having  set  out  for  the 
country  in  less  than  an  hour  after  he  had  received 
my  billet :  and  I  was  vain  enough  to  have  the  whole 
story  inserted  in  the  news,  although  I  was  fain  to 
sell  a  gold-laced  hat  to  my  landlord,  for  less  than 
half  price,  to  defray  the  expense,  and  contribute  to 
my  subsistence. 


147J 


CHAPTER    SEVEN 

I   AM   ENTERTAINED    BY   MR.    CRAB A    DESCRIPTION    OF 

HIM 1    ACQUIRE    THE    ART    OF    SURGERY CON- 
SULT CRAB'S  DISPOSITION  —  BECOME  NECESSARY  TO 

HIM AN    ACCIDENT    HAPPENS HE    ADVISES    ME 

TO    LAUNCH    OUT    INTO   THE    WORLD ASSISTS    ME 

WITH   MONEY 1   SET   OUT   FOR   LONDON. 

THE  fiimes  of  my  resentment  being  dissi- 
pated, as  well  as  the  vanity  of  my  success, 
I  found  myself  deserted  to  all  the  horrors 
of  extreme  want,  and  avoided  by  mankind 
as  a  creature  of  a  different  species,  or  rather  as  a  soli- 
tary being,  no  ways  comprehended  within  the  scheme 
or  protection  of  Providence.     My  despair  had  ren- 
dered me  almost  quite  stupefied,  when  I  was  one  day 
told  that  a  gentleman  desired  to  see  me  at  a  certain 
public-house,  whither  immediately  I  repaired,  and 
was  introduced  to  one  Mr.  Launcelot  Crab,  a  surgeon 
in  town,  who  was  engaged  with  two  more  in  drinking 
a  liquor  called^op-m,  composed  by  mixing  a  quartern 
of  brandy   with   a   quart  of  small  beer.     Before   I 
relate  the  occasion  of  this  message,  I  believe  it  will 
not  be  disagreeable  to  the  reader  if  I  describe  the 
[48] 


ENTERTAINED    BY    MR.   CRAB 

gentleman  who  sent  for  me,  and  mention  some  cir- 
cumstances of  his  character  and  conduct,  which  may 
illustrate  what  follows,  and  account  for  his  behaviour 
to  me. 

This  member  of  the  faculty  was  aged  fifty,  about 
five  feet  high,  and  ten  round  the  belly ;  his  face  was 
capacious  as  a  full  moon,  and  much  of  the  complexion 
of  a  mulberry;  his  nose,  resembling  a  powder-horn, 
was  swelled  to  an  enormous  size,  and  studded  all  over 
with  carbuncles ;  and  his  little  grey  eyes  reflected  the 
rays  in  such  an  oblique  manner,  that,  while  he  looked 
a  person  full  in  the  face,  one  would  have  imagined  he 
was  admiring  the  buckle  of  his  shoe.  He  had  long 
entertained  an  implacable  resentment  against  Potion, 
who,  though  a  young  practitioner,  was  better  em- 
ployed than  he,  and  once  had  the  assurance  to  per- 
form a  cure  whereby  he  disappointed  and  disgraced 
the  prognostic  of  the  said  Crab.  This  quarrel,  which 
was  at  one  time  upon  the  point  of  being  made  up  by 
the  interposition  and  mediation  of  friends,  had  been 
lately  inflamed  beyond  a  possibility  of  reconciliation 
by  the  respective  wives  of  the  opponents,  who,  chanc- 
ing to  meet  at  a  christening,  disagreed  about  pre- 
cedence, proceeded  from  invectives  to  blows,  and 
were,  with  great  difficulty,  by  the  gossips,  prevented 
from  converting  the  occasion  of  joy  into  a  scene  of 
lamentation. 

The  difference  between  these  rivals  was  in  the 
VOL.I.— 4  [  49  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

height  of  rancour,  when  I  received  the  message  of 
Crab,  who  received  me  as  civilly  as  I  could  have 
expected  from  one  of  his  disposition ;  and,  after 
desiring  me  to  sit,  inquired  into  the  particulars  of 
my  leaving  the  house  of  Potion ;  which,  when  I  had 
related,  he  said  with  a  malicious  grin,  "  There 's  a 
sneaking  dog !  —  I  always  thought  him  a  fellow 
without  a  soul,  d — n  me !  —  a  canting  scoundrel,  who 
has  crept  into  business  by  his  hypocrisy,  and  kissing 
the  a — se  of  everybody."  "  Aye,  aye,"  says  another, 
"  one  might  see  with  half  an  eye  that  the  rascal  has 
no  honesty  in  him,  by  his  going  so  regularly  to 
church."  This  sentence  was  confirmed  by  a  third, 
who  assured  his  companions,  that  Potion  was  never 
known  to  be  disguised  in  liquor  but  once,  at  a  meet- 
ing of  the  godly,  where  he  had  distinguished  himself 
by  an  extempore  prayer  an  hour  long.  After  this 
preamble,  Crab  addressed  himself  to  me  in  these 
words :  "  Well,  my  lad,  I  have  heard  a  good  charac- 
ter of  you,  and  I  '11  do  for  you.  You  may  send  your 
things  to  my  house  when  you  please.  I  have  given 
orders  for  your  reception.  Zounds !  what  does  the 
booby  stare  at  ?  —  If  you  have  no  mind  to  embrace 
my  courteous  offer,  you  may  let  it  alone,  and  be 
d — d."  I  answered,  with  a  submissive  bow,  that  I 
was  far  from  rejecting  his  friendly  offer,  which  I 
would  immediately  accept,  as  soon  as  he  should  in- 
form me  on  what  footing  I  was  to  be  entertained. 
[50] 


ENTERTAINED    BY    MR.   CRAB 

"  What  footing !  d — n  ray  blood,"  cried  he ;  "  d'  ye 
expect  to  have  a  footman  and  a  couple  of  horses 
kept  for  you  ?  "  "  No,  sir,"  I  replied,  "  my  expecta- 
tions are  not  quite  so  sanguine.  That  I  may  be  as 
little  burdensome  as  possible,  I  would  willingly  serve 
in  your  shop,  by  which  means  I  may  save  you  the 
expense  of  a  journeyman,  or  porter  at  least,  for  I 
understand  a  little  pharmacy,  having  employed  some 
of  my  leisure  hours  in  the  practice  of  that  art  while  I 
lived  with  Mr.  Potion  :  neither  am  I  altogether  igno- 
rant of  surgery,  which  I  have  studied  with  great 
pleasure  and  application."  "  Oho !  you  did  ?  "  says 
Crab.  "  Gentlemen,  here  is  a  complete  artist !  — 
Studied  surgery !  what  ?  in  books,  I  suppose.  I  shall 
have  you  disputing  with  me  one  of  these  days  on 
points  of  my  profession.  You  can  already  account 
for  muscular  motion,  I  warrant,  and  explain  the 
mystery  of  the  brain  and  nerves  —  ha  ?  You  are 
too  learned  for  me,  d — n  me.  But  let's  hear  no 
more  of  this  stuff.  Can  you  bleed  and  give  a  clyster, 
spread  a  plaster,  and  prepare  a  potion  ?  "  Upon  my 
answering  in  the  affirmative  he  shook  his  head,  tell- 
ing me  he  believed  he  should  have  little  good  of 
me,  for  all  my  promises;  but,  however,  he  would 
take  me  in  for  the  sake  of  charity. 

I  was  accordingly  that  very  night  admitted  to  his 
house,  and  had  an  apartment  assigned  to  me  in  the 
garret,  which  I  was  fain  to  put  up  with,  notwith- 
[51] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

standing  the  mortification  my  pride  suffered  in 
this  change  of  circumstances.  I  was  soon  convinced 
of  the  real  motives  which  induced  Crab  to  receive  me 
in  this  manner;  for,  besides  the  gratification  of  his 
revenge,  by  exposing  the  selfishness  of  his  antago- 
nist in  opposition  to  his  own  generosity,  which  was 
all  affectation,  he  had  occasion  for  a  young  man  who 
understood  something  of  the  profession,  to  fill  up 
the  place  of  his  eldest  apprentice,  lately  dead,  not 
without  violent  suspicion  of  foul  play  from  his  mas- 
ter's brutality.  The  knowledge  of  this  circumstance, 
together  with  his  daily  behaviour  to  his  wife  and  the 
young  apprentice,  did  not  at  all  contribute  to  my 
enjoying  my  new  situation  with  ease ;  however,  as  I 
did  not  perceive  how  I  could  bestow  myself  to  better 
advantage,  I  resolved  to  study  Crab's  temper  with  all 
the  application,  and  manage  it  with  all  the  address, 
in  my  power.  And  it  was  not  long  before  I  found 
out  a  strange  peculiarity  of  humour,  which  governed 
his  behaviour  towards  all  his  dependents.  I  observed, 
when  he  was  pleased,  he  was  such  a  niggard  of  his 
satisfaction,  that,  if  his  wife  or  servants  betrayed  the 
least  symptom  of  participation,  he  was  offended  to  an 
insupportable  degree  of  choler  and  fury,  the  effects 
of  which  they  seldom  failed  to  feel.  And,  when  his 
indignation  was  roused,  submission  and  soothing 
always  exasperated  it  beyond  the  bounds  of  reason 
and  humanity.  I  therefore  pursued  a  contrary  plan ; 
[52] 


CRAB'S    DISPOSITION 

and  one  day,  when  he  honoured  me  with  the  names 
of  ignorant  whelp,  and  lazy  ragamuffin,  I  boldly 
replied,  "I  was  neither  ignorant  nor  lazy,  since  I 
both  understood  and  performed  my  business  as  well 
as  he  could  do  for  his  soul ;  neither  was  it  just  to 
call  me  ragamuffin,  for  I  had  a  whole  coat  on  my 
back,  and  was  descended  from  a  better  family  than 
any  he  could  boast  an  alliance  with."  He  gave 
tokens  of  great  amazement  at  this  assurance  of  mine, 
and  shook  his  cane  over  my  head,  regarding  me  all 
the  time  with  a  countenance  truly  diabolical.  Al- 
though I  was  terribly  startled  at  his  menacing  looks 
and  posture,  I  yet  had  reflection  enough  left  to  con- 
vince me  I  had  gone  too  far  to  retract,  and  that  this 
was  the  critical  minute  which  must  decide  my  future 
lot  in  his  service :  I  therefore  snatched  up  the  pestle 
of  a  mortar,  and  swore,  if  he  offered  to  strike  me 
without  a  cause,  I  should  see  whether  his  skull  or 
my  weapon  was  hardest.  He  continued  silent  for 
some  time,  and  at  last  broke  forth  into  these  ejacu- 
lations :  "  This  is  fine  usage  from  a  servant  to  a  mas- 
ter, —  very  fine !  —  d — tion  !  —  but  no  matter,  you 
shall  pay  for  this,  you  dog,  you  shall.  I  '11  do  your 
business  —  yes,  yes,  I  '11  teach  you  to  lift  your  hand 
against  me.""  So  saying,  he  retired,  and  left  me 
under  dreadful  apprehensions,  which  vanished  en- 
tirely at  our  next  meeting,  when  he  behaved  with 
unusual  complacency,  and  treated  me  with  a  glass  of 
[53] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

punch  after  dinner.  By  this  conduct  I  got  the  as- 
cendency over  him  in  a  short  time,  and  became  so 
necessary  to  him,  in  managing  his  business  while 
he  was  engaged  at  the  bottle,  that  fortune  began 
to  wear  a  kinder  aspect ;  and  I  consoled  myself  for 
the  disregard  of  my  former  acquaintance  with  the 
knowledge  I  daily  imbibed,  by  a  close  application  to 
the  duties  of  my  employment,  in  which  I  succeeded 
beyond  my  own  expectation.  I  was  on  very  good 
terms  with  my  master's  wife,  whose  esteem  I  acquired 
and  cultivated,  by  representing  Mrs.  Potion  in  the 
most  ridiculous  lights  my  satirical  talents  could 
invent,  as  well  as  by  rendering  her  some  Christian 
offices  when  she  had  been  too  familiar  with  the  dram 
bottle,  to  which  she  had  oftentimes  recourse  for  con- 
solation under  the  affliction  she  suffered  from  her 
barbarous  husband. 

In  this  manner  I  lived,  without  hearing  the  least 
tidings  of  my  uncle,  for  the  space  of  two  years,  dur- 
ing which  time  I  kept  little  or  no  company,  being 
neither  in  a  humour  to  relish,  nor  in  a  capacity  to 
maintain  much  acquaintance :  for  the  Nabal,  my 
master,  allowed  me  no  wages;  and  the  small  per- 
quisites of  my  station  scarce  supplied  me  with  the 
common  necessaries  of  life.  I  was  no  longer  a  pert 
unthinking  coxcomb,  giddy  with  popular  applause, 
and  elevated  with  the  extravagance  of  hope :  my  mis- 
fortunes had  taught  me  how  little  the  caresses  of  the 
[54] 


AN    ACCIDENT    HAPPENS 

world,  during  a  man's  prosperity,  are  to  be  valued  by 
him ;  and  how  seriously  and  expeditiously  he  ought 
to  set  about  making  himself  independent  of  them. 
My  present  appearance,  therefore,  was  the  least  of 
my  care,  which  was  wholly  engrossed  in  laying  up  a 
stock  of  instruction  that  might  secure  me  against  the 
caprice  of  fortune  for  the  future.  I  became  such  a 
sloven,  and  contracted  such  an  air  of  austerity,  that 
everybody  pronounced  me  crestfallen;  and  Gawky 
returned  to  town,  without  running  any  risk  from  my 
resentment,  which  was  by  this  time  pretty  much 
cooled,  and  restrained  by  prudential  reasons  so  effect- 
ually, that  I  never  so  much  as  thought  of  obtaining 
satisfaction  for  the  injuries  he  had  done  me.  When 
I  deemed  myself  sufficiently  master  of  my  business,  I 
began  to  cast  about  for  an  opportunity  of  launching 
into  the  world,  in  hope  of  finding  some  provision 
that  might  make  amends  for  the  difficulties  I  had 
undergone :  but,  as  this  could  not  be  effected  without 
a  small  sum  of  money  to  equip  me  for  the  field,  I 
was  in  the  utmost  perplexity  how  to  raise  it,  well 
knowing  that  Crab,  for  his  own  sake,  would  never 
put  me  in  a  condition  to  leave  him,  when  his  interest 
was  so  much  concerned  in  my  stay.  But  a  small 
accident  which  happened  about  this  time  determined 
him  in  my  favour.  This  was  no  other  than  the 
pregnancy  of  his  maid-servant,  who  declared  her 
situation  to  me,  assuring  me,  at  the  same  time,  that 
[55] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

I  was  the  occasion  of  it.  Although  I  had  no  reason 
to  question  the  truth  of  this  imputation,  I  was  not 
ignorant  of  the  familiarities  which  had  passed  between 
her  master  and  her ;  taking  the  advantage  of  which 
I  represented  to  her  the  folly  of  laying  the  burden 
at  my  door,  when  she  might  dispose  of  it  to  much 
better  purpose  with  Mr.  Crab.  She  listened  to  my 
advice,  and  next  day  acquainted  him  with  the  pre- 
tended success  of  their  mutual  endeavours.  He  was 
far  from  being  overjoyed  at  this  proof  of  his  vigour, 
which  he  foresaw  might  have  very  troublesome  con- 
sequences ;  not  that  he  dreaded  any  domestic  grum- 
blings and  reproaches  from  his  wife,  whom  he  kept  in 
perfect  subjection ;  but  because  he  knew  it  would 
furnish  his  rival  Potion  with  a, handle  for  insulting 
and  undermining  his  reputation;  there  being  no 
scandal  equal  to  that  of  uncleanness  in  the  opinion 
of  those  who  inhabit  the  part  of  the  island  where  he 
lived.  He,  therefore,  took  a  resolution  worthy  of 
himself;  which  was,  to  persuade  the  girl  that  she 
was  not  with  child,  but  only  afflicted  with  a  dis- 
order incident  to  young  women,  which  he  would 
easily  remove.  With  this  view,  as  he  pretended,  he 
prescribed  for  her  such  medicines  as  he  thought 
would  infallibly  procure  abortion ;  but  in  this  scheme 
he  was  disappointed ;  for  the  maid,  being  advertised 
by  me  of  his  design,  and  at  the  same  time  well 
acquainted  with  her  own  condition,  absolutely  refused 
[56] 


SETS    OUT    FOR    LONDON 

to  follow  his  directions ;  and  threatened  to  publish 
her  situation  to  the  world,  if  he  would  not  immedi- 
ately take  some  method  of  providing  for  the  import- 
ant occasion,  which  she  expected  in  a  few  months. 
It  was  not  long  before  I  guessed  the  result  of  his 
deliberation,  by  his  addressing  himself  to  me,  one 
day,  in  this  manner :  "  I  am  surprised  that  a  young 
fellow  like  you  discovers  no  inclination  to  push  his 
fortune  in  the  world.  Before  I  was  of  your  age  I  was 
broiling  on  the  coast  of  Guinea.  —  D — me !  what 's 
to  hinder  you  from  profiting  by  the  war  which  will 
certainly  be  declared  in  a  short  time  against  Spain  ? 
You  may  easily  get  on  board  of  a  king's  ship  in 
quality  of  a  surgeon's  mate ;  where  you  will  certainly 
see  a  great  deal  of  practice,  and  stand  a  good  chance 
of  getting  prize-money.1"  I  laid  hold  of  this  declara- 
tion, which  I  had  long  wished  for,  and  assured  him  I 
would  follow  his  advice  with  pleasure,  if  it  was  in  my 
power ;  but  that  it  was  impossible  for  me  to  embrace 
an  opportunity  of  that  kind,  as  I  had  no  friend  to 
advance  a  little  money  to  supply  me  with  what  neces- 
saries I  should  want,  and  defray  the  expenses  of  my 
journey  to  London.  He  told  me  that  few  necessaries 
were  required ;  and  as  for  the  expense  of  my  journey, 
he  would  lend  me  money  sufficient  not  only  for  that 
purpose,  but  also  to  maintain  me  comfortably  in 
London  until  I  should  procure  a  warrant  for  my  pro- 
vision on  board  of  some  ship.  I  gave  him  a  thousand 
[57J 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

thanks  for  his  obliging  offer  (although  I  was  very 
well  apprised  of  his  motive,  which  was  no  other  than 
a  design  to  lay  the  bastard  to  my  charge  after  my 
departure),  and  accordingly  set  out  in  a  few  weeks 
for  London,  my  whole  fortune  consisting  of  one  suit 
of  clothes,  half  a  dozen  of  ruffled  shirts,  as  many 
plain,  two  pair  of  worsted,  and  a  like  number  of 
thread  stockings,  a  case  of  pocket  instruments,  a 
small  edition  of  Horace,  Wiseman's  Surgery,  and  ten 
guineas  in  cash,  for  which  Crab  took  my  bond,  bear- 
ing five  per  cent,  interest;  at  the  same  time  [he] 
gave  me  a  letter  to  the  member  of  parliament  for 
our  town,  which,  he  said,  would  do  my  business 
effectually. 


[58] 


CHAPTER    EIGHT 

I  ARRIVE  AT  NEWCASTLE MEET  WITH  MY  OLD  SCHOOL- 
FELLOW STRAP WE  DETERMINE  TO  WALK  TO- 
GETHER TO  LONDON SET  OUT  ON  OUR  JOURNEY 

PUT   UP   AT   A    SOLITARY   ALE-HOUSE ARE    DIS- 
TURBED  BY  A   STRANGE   ADVENTURE   IN   THE  NIGHT. 


1 


^IHERE  is  no  such  convenience  as  a  waggon 
in  this  country,  and  my  finances  were  too 
weak  to  support  the  expense  of  hiring  a 
horse ;  I  determined  therefore  to  set  out 
with  the  carriers,  who  transport  goods  from  one  place 
to  another  on  horseback ;  and  this  scheme  I  accord- 
ingly put  in  execution  on  the  first  day  of  November 
1739,  sitting  upon  a  pack-saddle  between  two  baskets, 
one  of  which  contained  my  goods  in  a  knapsack. 
But,  by  the  time  we  arrived  at  Newcastle-upon-Tyne, 
I  was  so  fatigued  with  the  tediousness  of  the  carriage, 
and  benumbed  with  the  coldness  of  the  weather, 
that  I  resolved  to  travel  the  rest  of  my  journey  on 
foot,  rather  than  proceed  in  such  a  disagreeable 
manner. 

The  hostler  of  the  inn  at  which  we  put  up,  under- 
standing I  was  bound  for  London,  advised  me  to  take 
[69] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

my  passage  in  a  collier,  which  would  be  both  cheap 
and  expeditious,  and  withal  much  easier  than  to  walk 
upwards  of  three  hundred  miles  through  deep  roads 
in  the  winter  time ;  a  journey  which,  he  believed,  I 
had  not  strength  enough  to  perform.  I  was  almost 
persuaded  to  take  his  advice,  when,  one  day,  stepping 
into  a  barber's  shop  to  be  shaved,  the  young  man, 
while  he  lathered  my  face,  accosted  me  thus :  "  Sir,  I 
presume  you  are  a  Scotchman.""  I  answered  in  the 
affirmative.  "Pray,"  continued  he,  "from  what  part 
of  Scotland  ?  "  —  I  no  sooner  told  him,  than  he  dis- 
covered great  emotion,  and  not  confining  his  operation 
to  my  chin  and  upper  lip,  besmeared  my  whole  face 
with  great  agitation.  I  was  so  offended  at  this  pro- 
fusion, that,  starting  up,  I  asked  him  what  the  d — 1 
he  meant  by  using  me  so  ?  He  begged  pardon,  tell- 
ing me  his  joy  at  meeting  with  a  countryman  had 
occasioned  some  confusion  in  him;  and  craved  my 
name.  But  when  I  declared  my  name  was  Random, 
he  exclaimed  in  a  rapture,  "  How  !  Rory  Random  ?  " 
"  The  same,11 1  replied,  looking  at  him  with  astonish- 
ment. "  What,"  cried  he,  "  don't  you  know  your  old 
schoolfellow,  Hugh  Strap  ?  "  At  that  instant,  recol- 
lecting his  face,  I  flew  into  his  arms,  and  in  the  trans- 
port of  my  joy,  gave  him  back  one  half  of  the  suds 
he  had  so  lavishly  bestowed  on  my  countenance ;  so 
that  we  made  a  very  ludicrous  appearance,  and  fur- 
nished a  great  deal  of  mirth  for  his  master  and  shop- 
160} 


MEETS    WITH    STRAP 

mates,  who  were  witnesses  of  this  scene.  When  our 
mutual  caresses  were  over,  I  sat  down  again  to  be 
shaved ;  but  the  poor  fellow's  nerves  were  so  discom- 
posed by  this  unexpected  meeting,  that  his  hand 
could  scarcely  hold  the  razor,  with  which,  neverthe- 
less, he  found  means  to  cut  me  in  three  places,  in  as 
many  strokes.  His  master,  perceiving  his  disorder, 
bade  another  supply  his  place,  and  after  the  operation 
was  performed,  gave  Strap  leave  to  pass  the  rest  of 
the  day  with  me.  We  retired  immediately  to  my 
lodgings,  where,  calling  for  some  beer,  I  desired  to 
be  informed  of  his  adventures,  which  contained  noth- 
ing more,  than  that  his  master  dying  before  his  time 
was  out,  he  had  come  to  Newcastle  about  a  year  ago, 
in  expectation  of  journey-work,  along  with  three 
young  fellows  of  his  acquaintance,  who  worked  in 
the  keels;  that  he  had  the  good  fortune  of  being 
employed  by  a  very  civil  master,  with  whom  he  in- 
tended to  stay  till  the  spring,  at  which  time  he  pro- 
posed to  go  to  London,  where  he  did  not  doubt  of 
finding  encouragement.  When  I  communicated  to 
him  my  situation  and  design,  he  did  not  approve  of 
my  taking  a  passage  by  sea,  by  reason  of  the  danger 
of  a  winter  voyage,  which  is  very  hazardous  along 
that  coast,  as  well  as  the  precariousness  of  the  wind, 
which  might  possibly  detain  me  a  great  while,  to  the 
no  small  detriment  of  my  fortune.  Whereas,  if  I 
would  venture  by  land,  he  would  bear  me  company, 
[61] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

carry  my  baggage  all  the  way,  and,  if  we  should  be 
fatigued  before  we  could  perform  all  the  journey,  it 
would  be  no  hard  matter  for  us  to  find  on  the  road 
either  returning  horses  or  waggons,  of  which  we  might 
take  the  advantage  for  a  very  trifling  expense.  I  was 
so  ravished  at  this  proposal,  that  I  embraced  him  affec- 
tionately, and  assured  him  he  might  command  my 
purse  to  the  last  farthing :  but  he  gave  me  to  under- 
stand, he  had  saved  money  sufficient  to  answer  his 
own  occasions ;  and  that  he  had  a  friend  in  London, 
who  would  soon  introduce  him  into  business  in  that 
capital,  and  might  possibly  have  it  in  his  power  to 
serve  me  also. 

Having  concerted  the  plan  and  settled  our  affairs 
that  night,  we  departed  next  morning  by  daybreak, 
armed  with  a  good  cudgel  each  (my  companion  being 
charged  with  the  furniture  of  us  both,  crammed  into 
one  knapsack),  and  our  money  sewed  between  the 
lining  and  waistband  of  our  breeches,  except  some 
loose  silver  for  our  immediate  expense  on  the  road. 
We  travelled  all  day  at  a  round  pace,  but,  being 
ignorant  of  the  proper  stages,  were  benighted  at  a 
good  distance  from  any  inn,  so  that  we  were 
compelled  to  take  up  our  lodging  at  a  small  hedge 
ale-house,  that  stood  on  a  by-road,  about  half  a  mile 
from  the  highway.  There  we  found  a  pedlar  of  our 
own  country,  in  whose  company  we  regaled  our- 
selves with  bacon  and  eggs,  and  a  glass  of  good 
[62]  I 


A    NIGHT    ADVENTURE 

ale,  before  a  comfortable  fire,  conversing  all  the 
while  very  sociably  with  the  landlord  and  his 
daughter,  an  hale  buxom  lass,  who  entertained  us 
with  great  good  humour,  and  in  whose  affection  I  was 
vain  enough  to  believe  I  had  made  some  progress. 
About  eight  o'clock,  we  were  all  three,  at  our  own 
desire,  shown  into  an  apartment,  furnished  with  two 
beds,  in  one  of  which  Strap  and  I  betook  ourselves 
to  rest,  and  the  pedlar  occupied  the  other,  though 
not  before  he  had  prayed  a  considerable  time  extem- 
pore, searched  into  every  corner  of  the  room,  and 
fastened  the  door  on  the  inside  with  a  strong  iron 
screw,  which  he  carried  about  with  him  for  that  use. 
I  slept  very  sound  till  midnight,  when  I  was  disturbed 
by  a  violent  motion  of  the  bed,  which  shook  under 
me  with  a  continual  tremor.  Alarmed  at  this  phe- 
nomenon, I  jogged  my  companion,  whom,  to  my  no 
small  amazement,  I  found  drenched  in  sweat,  and 
quaking  through  every  limb ;  he  told  me,  with  a  low 
faltering  voice,  that  we  were  undone ;  for  there  was 
a  bloody  highwayman  loaded  with  pistols  in  the  next 
room;  then  bidding  me  make  as  little  noise  as 
possible,  he  directed  me  to  a  small  chink  in  the  board 
partition,  through  which  I  could  see  a  thick-set 
brawny  fellow,  with  a  fierce  countenance,  sitting  at 
a  table  with  our  young  landlady,  having  a  bottle  of 
ale  and  a  brace  of  pistols  before  him.  I  listened  with 
great  attention,  and  heard  him  say  in  a  terrible  tone : 
[63] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

'*  D — n  that  son  of  a  bitch,  Smack,  the  coachman  ;  — 
lie  has  served  me  a  fine  trick,  indeed !  —  but  d — tion 
seize  me,  if  I  don't  make  him  repent  it !  I  '11  teach 
the  scoundrel  to  give  intelligence  to  others,  while  he 
is  under  articles  with  me."" 

Our  landlady  endeavoured  to  appease  this  exasper- 
ated robber,  by  saying  he  might  be  mistaken  in 
Smack,  who  perhaps  kept  no  correspondence  with  the 
other  gentleman  that  robbed  his  coach ;  and  that,  if 
an  accident  had  disappointed  him  to-day,  he  might 
soon  find  opportunity  enough  to  atone  for  his  lost 
trouble.  "  I  '11  tell  thee  what,  my  dear  Bett,"  replied 
he,  "  I  never  had,  nor  ever  will,  while  my  name  is 
Rifle,  have  such  a  glorious  booty  as  I  missed  to-day. 

—  Zounds!  there  was  four  hundred  pounds  in  cash 
to  recruit  men  for  the   king's  service,  besides  the 
jewels,  watches,  swords,  and  money  belonging  to  the 
passengers;  —  had  it  been  my  fortune  to  have  got 
clear  off  with  so  much  treasure,  I  would  have  pur- 
chased a  commission  in  the  army,  and  made  you  an 
officer's  lady,  you  jade,  I  would."      "Well,  well," 
cries  Betty,  "  we  must  trust  to  Providence  for  that ; 

—  but  did  you  find  nothing  worth  taking,   which 
escaped  the  other  gentleman  of  the  road?"     "Not 
much,  faith,"  said  the  lover ;  "  I  gleaned  a  few  things, 
such  as  a  pair  of  pops,  silver  mounted,  (here  they 
are ;)  I  took  them  loaded  from  the  captain  who  had 
the  charge  of  the  money,  together  with  a  gold  watch, 

[64] 


A    NIGHT    ADVENTURE 

which  he  had  concealed  in  his  breeches.  I  likewise 
found  ten  Portugal  pieces  in  the  shoes  of  a  Quaker, 
whom  the  spirit  moved  to  revile  me  with  great  bitter- 
ness and  devotion.  But  what  I  value  myself  mostly 
for,  is  this  here  purchase,  a  gold  snuff-box,  my  girl, 
with  a  picture  on  the  inside  of  the  lid;  which  I 
untied  out  of  the  tail  of  a  pretty  lady's  smock." 
Here,  as  the  devil  would  have  it,  the  pedlar  snored 
so  loud,  that  the  highwayman,  snatching  his  pistols, 
started  up,  crying :  "  Hell  and  d — tion  !  I  am  be- 
trayed ;  who 's  that  in  the  next  room  ?  "  Mrs.  Betty 
told  him,  he  need  not  be  uneasy ;  there  were  only 
three  poor  wearied  travellers,  who,  missing  the  road, 
had  taken  up  their  lodging  in  the  house,  and  were 
asleep  long  ago.  "  Travellers  ?  "  says  he,  "  spies,  you 
b— ch !  but  no  matter  —  I  '11  send  them  all  to  hell  in 
an  instant."  He  accordingly  ran  towards  our  door ; 
when  his  sweetheart  interposing,  assured  him,  there 
was  only  a  couple  of  poor  young  Scotchmen,  who 
were  too  raw  and  ignorant  to  give  him  the  least 
cause  of  suspicion ;  and  the  third  was  a  Presbyterian 
pedlar  of  the  same  nation,  who  had  often  lodged  in 
the  house  before.  This  declaration  satisfied  the 
thief,  who  swore  he  was  glad  there  was  a  pedlar,  for 
he  wanted  some  linen.  Then,  in  a  jovial  manner,  he 
put  about  the  glass,  mingling  his  discourse  to  Betty 
with  caresses  and  familiarities  that  spoke  him  very 
happy  in  his  amours.  During  that  part  of  the  con- 
VOL.  i. — 5  [  65  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

versation  which  regarded  us,  Strap  had  crept  under 
the  bed,  where  he  lay  in  the  agonies  of  fear ;  so  that 
it  was  with  great  difficulty  I  persuaded  him  our 
danger  was  over,  and  prevailed  on  him  to  wake  the 
pedlar,  and  inform  him  of  what  he  had  seen  and 
heard.  This  itinerant  merchant  no  sooner  felt  some- 
body shaking  him  by  the  shoulder,  than  he  started 
up,  calling  as  loud  as  he  could,  "  Thieves !  thieves ! 
Lord  have  mercy  on  us!"  And  Rifle,  alarmed  at 
this  exclamation,  jumped  up,  cocked  one  of  his 
pistols,  and  turned  towards  the  door,  to  kill  the  first 
man  who  should  enter ;  for  he  verily  believed  himself 
beset ;  when  his  Dulcinea,  after  an  immoderate  fit  of 
laughter,  persuaded  him,  that  the  poor  pedlar,  dream- 
ing of  thieves,  had  only  cried  out  in  his  sleep. 
Meanwhile  my  comrade  had  undeceived  our  fellow- 
lodger,  and  informed  him  of  his  reason  for  disturbing 
him ;  upon  which,  getting  up  softly,  he  peeped 
through  the  hole,  and  was  so  terrified  with  what  he 
saw,  that,  falling  down  on  his  bare  knees  he  put  up 
a  long  petition  to  Heaven,  to  deliver  him  from  the 
hands  of  that  ruffian,  and  promised  never  to  defraud 
a  customer  for  the  future  of  the  value  of  a  pin's 
point,  provided  he  might  be  rescued  from  the  present 
danger. 

Whether  or  not  his  disburdening  his  conscience 
afforded  him  any  ease,  I  know  not;  but  he  slipped 
into  bed  again,  and  lay  very  quiet  until  the  robber 
[66] 


A    NIGHT    ADVENTURE 

and  his  mistress  were  asleep,  and  snored  in  concert ; 
then,  rising  softly,  he  untied  a  rope  that  was  round 
his  pack,  which  making  fast  to  one  end  of  it,  he 
opened  the  window  with  as  little  noise  as  possible, 
and  lowered  his  goods  into  the  yard  with  great  dex- 
terity; then  he  moved  gently  to  our  bedside,  and 
bade  us  farewell,  telling  us,  that,  as  we  ran  no  risk, 
we  might  take  our  rest  with  great  confidence,  and  in 
the  morning  assure  the  landlord  that  we  knew 
nothing  of  his  escape ;  and  lastly,  shaking  us  by  the 
hands,  and  wishing  us  all  manner  of  success,  he  let 
himself  drop  from  the  window  without  any  danger, 
for  the  ground  was  not  above  a  yard  from  his  feet  as 
he  hung  on  the  outside.  Although  I  did  not  think 
proper  to  accompany  him  in  his  flight,  I  was  not  at 
all  free  from  apprehension,  when  I  reflected  on  what 
might  be  the  effect  of  the  highwayman's  disappoint- 
ment, as  he  certainly  intended  to  make  free  with  the 
pedlar's  ware.  Neither  was  my  companion  at  more 
ease  in  his  mind ;  but,  on  the  contrary,  so  possessed 
with  the  dreadful  idea  of  Rifle,  that  he  solicited  me 
strongly  to  follow  our  countryman's  example,  and  so 
elude  the  fatal  resentment  of  that  terrible  adventurer, 
who  would  certainly  wreak  his  vengeance  on  us,  as 
accomplices  of  the  pedlar's  elopement.  But  I  repre- 
sented to  him  the  danger  of  giving  Rifle  cause  to 
think  we  knew  his  profession,  and  suggested,  that,  if 
ever  he  should  meet  us  again  on  the  road,  he  would 
[67] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

look  upon  us  as  dangerous  acquaintance,  and  find  it 
his  interest  to  put  us  out  of  the  way.  I  told  him 
withal  my  confidence  in  Betty's  good  nature,  in  which 
he  acquiesced ;  and,  during  the  remaining  part  of  the 
night,  we  concerted  a  proper  method  of  behaviour, 
to  render  us  unsuspected  in  the  morning. 

It  was  no  sooner  day,  than  Betty,  entering  our 
chamber,  and  perceiving  our  window  open,  cried  out : 
"  Ods  bobs !  sure  you  Scotchmen  must  have  hot  con- 
stitutions to  lie  all  night  with  the  window  open,  in 
such  cold  weather.""  I  feigned  to  start  out  of  sleep, 
and  withdrawing  the  curtain,  called,  "  What 's  the 
matter  ?  "  When  she  showed  me,  I  affected  surprise, 
and  said,  "  Bless  me !  the  window  was  shut  when  we 
went  to  bed."  "  I  '11  be  hanged,""  said  she,  "  if  Saw- 
ney Waddle  the  pedlar  has  not  got  up  in  a  dream 
and  done  it,  for  I  heard  him  very  obstropulous  in  his 
sleep.  —  Sure  I  put  a  chamber-pot  under  his  bed."" 
With  these  words  she  advanced  to  the  bed  in  which 
he  lay,  and  finding  the  sheets  cold,  exclaimed,  "  Good 
lack-a-daisy !  the  rogue  is  fled ! ""  "  Fled ! "  cried  I, 
with  feigned  amazement,  "God  forbid!  —  Sure  he 
has  not  robbed  us.""  Then  springing  up,  I  laid  hold 
of  my  breeches,  and  emptied  all  my  loose  money  into 
my  hand ;  which  having  reckoned,  I  said,  "  Heaven 
be  praised,  our  money  is  all  safe :  —  Strap,  look  to 
the  knapsack."  He  did  so,  and  found  all  was  right. 
Upon  which  we  asked,  with  seeming  concern,  if  he 
[68] 


A    NIGHT    ADVENTURE 

had  stole  nothing  belonging  to  the  house  ?  w  No, 
no,"  replied  she,  "he  has  stole  nothing  but  his 
reckoning " ;  which,  it  seems,  this  pious  pedlar  had 
forgot  to  discharge,  in  the  midst  of  his  devotion. 
Betty,  after  a  moment's  pause,  withdrew,  and  immedi- 
ately we  could  hear  her  waken  Rifle,  who  no  sooner 
heard  of  Waddle's  flight,  than  he  jumped  out  of  bed, 
and  dressed,  venting  a  thousand  execrations,  and 
vowing  to  murder  the  pedlar,  if  ever  he  should  set 
eyes  on  him  again :  "  For,"  said  he,  "  the  scoundrel 
has  by  this  time  raised  the  hue  and  cry  against 
me."  Having  dressed  himself  in  a  hurry,  he  mounted 
his  horse,  and  for  that  time  rid  us  of  his  company, 
and  a  thousand  fears  that  were  the  consequence  of  it. 
While  we  were  at  breakfast,  Betty  endeavoured,  by 
all  the  cunning  she  was  mistress  of,  to  learn  whether 
or  no  we  suspected  our  fellow-lodger,  whom  we  saw 
take  horse;  but  as  we  were  on  our  guard,  we  an- 
swered her  sly  questions  with  a  simplicity  she  could 
not  distrust ;  when,  all  of  a  sudden,  we  heard  the 
trampling  of  a  horse's  feet  at  the  door. 

This  noise  alarmed  Strap  so  much,  whose  imagina- 
tion was  wholly  engrossed  by  the  image  of  Rifle,  that, 
with  a  countenance  as  pale  as  milk,  he  cried,  "  O 
Lord !  there 's  the  highwayman  returned  ! "  Our 
landlady,  staring  at  these  words,  said,  "  What  high- 
wayman, young  man  ?  —  Do  you  think  any  highway- 
men harbour  here?"  Though  I  was  very  much 
[69] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

disconcerted  at  this  piece  of  indiscretion  in  Strap,  I 
had  presence  of  mind  enough  to  tell  her,  we  had 
met  a  horseman  the  day  before,  whom  Strap  had 
foolishly  supposed  to  be  a  highwayman,  because  he 
rode  with  pistols;  and  that  he  had  been  terrified 
at  the  sound  of  a  horse's  feet  ever  since.  She  forced 
a  smile  at  the  ignorance  and  timidity  of  my  com- 
rade ;  but  I  could  perceive  (not  without  great  con- 
cern) that  this  account  was  not  at  all  satisfactory  to 
her. 


[70] 


CHAPTER  NINE 

WE  PROCEED  ON  OUR  JOURNEY ARE  OVERTAKEN  BY  AM 

HIGHWAYMAN,     WHO     FIRES     AT     STRAP IS      PRE- 
VENTED    FROM    SHOOTING    ME    BY    A    COMPANY    OF 

HORSEMEN,  WHO   RIDE  IN  PURSUIT  OF  HIM STRAP 

IS  PUT  TO   BED  AT  AN  INN ADVENTURES  AT  THAT 

INN. 

AFTER  having  paid  our  score,  and  taken 
leave  of  our  hostess,  who  embraced  me 
tenderly  at  parting,  we  proceeded  on  our 
journey,  blessing  ourselves  that  we  had 
come  off  so  well.     We  had  not  walked  above  five 
miles,  when  we  observed  a  man  on  horseback  gal- 
loping after  us,  whom  we  in  a  short  time  recognised 
to  be  no  other  than  this  formidable  hero  who  had 
already  given  us  so  much   vexation.     He  stopped 
hard  by  me,  and  asked  if  I  knew  who  he  was  ?     My 
astonishment  had  disconcerted  me  so  much,  that  I 
did  not  hear  his  question,  which  he  repeated  with 
a  volley  of  oaths  and  threats;  but  I  remained  as 
mute  as   before.      Strap   seeing   my  discomposure, 
fell  upon  his  knees  in  the  mud,  uttering  with  a 
lamentable  voice  these  words:   "For  Christ's  sake, 
[71] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

have  mercy  upon  us,  Mr.  Rifle,  —  we  know  you 
very  well."  "  Oho ! "  cried  the  thief,  "  you  do !  — 
but  you  never  shall  be  evidence  against  me  in  this 
world,  you  dog ! "  So  saying,  he  drew  a  pistol,  and 
fired  it  at  the  unfortunate  shaver,  who  fell  flat  upon 
the  ground,  without  speaking  one  word.  My  comrade's 
fate,  and  my  own  situation,  riveted  me  to  the  place 
where  I  stood,  deprived  of  all  sense  and  reflection  •, 
so  that  I  did  not  make  the  least  attempt  either  to 
run  away,  or  deprecate  the  wrath  of  this  barbarian, 
who  snapped  a  second  pistol  at  me ;  but  before  he 
had  time  to  prime  again,  perceiving  a  company  of 
horsemen  coming  up,  he  rode  off,  and  left  me  stand- 
ing motionless  as  a  statue,  in  which  posture  I  was 
found  by  those  whose  appearance  had  saved  my 
life. 

This  company  consisted  of  three  men  in  livery, 
well  armed,  with  an  officer,  who,  as  I  afterwards 
learned,  was  the  person  from  whom  Rifle  had  taken 
the  pocket-pistols  the  day  ([before ;  and  who,  making 
known  his  misfortune  to  a  nobleman  he  met  on  the 
road,  and  assuring  him  his  non-resistance  was  alto- 
gether owing  to  his  consideration  for  the  ladies  in 
the  coach,  procured  the  assistance  of  his  lordship's 
servants  to  go  in  quest  of  the  plunderer.  This 
holiday  captain  scampered  up  to  me  with  great 
address,  and  asked  who  fired  the  pistol  which  he 
had  heard.  As  I  had  not  yet  recovered  my  reason, 

[7*] 


OVERTAKEN    BY    HIGHWAYMAN 

he,  before  I  could  answer,  observed  a  body  lying  on 
the  ground :  at  which  sight  his  colour  changed,  and 
he  pronounced  with  a  faltering  tongue,  "  Gentlemen, 
here 's  murder  committed  !  Let  us  alight."  "  No, 
no,"  said  one  of  his  followers,  "  let  us  rather  pursue 
the  murderer.  Which  way  went  he,  young  man  ?  ** 
By  this  time  I  had  recollected  myself  so  far  as  to 
tell  them,  that  he  could  not  be  a  quarter  of  a  mile 
before ;  and  to  beg  of  one  of  them  to  assist  me  in 
conveying  the  corpse  of  my  friend  to  the  next  house, 
in  order  to  its  being  interred.  The  captain,  foresee- 
ing that,  in  case  he  should  pursue,  he  must  soon 
come  to  action,  began  to  curb  his  horse,  and  give 
him  the  spur  at  the  same  time,  which  treatment 
making  the  creature  rear  up  and  snort,  he  called 
out,  his  horse  was  frightened,  and  would  not  pro- 
ceed ;  at  the  same  time  wheeling  him  round  and 
round,  stroking  his  neck,  whistling  and  wheeling 
him  with  "  Sirrah,  sirrah,  gently,  gently,"  etc.  — 
"  Zounds ! "  cried  one  of  the  servants,  "  sure  my 
lord's  Sorrel  is  not  resty ! "  —  With  these  words, 
he  bestowed  a  lash  on  his  buttocks,  and  Sorrel, 
disdaining  the  rein,  sprung  forward  with  the  cap- 
tain at  a  pace  that  would  have  soon  brought  him  up 
with  the  robber,  had  not  the  girth,  happily  for  him, 
given  way,  by  which  means  he  landed  in  the  dirt ; 
and  two  of  his  attendants  continued  their  pursuit, 
without  minding  his  situation.  Meanwhile,  one  of  the 
[73] 


RODERICK  RANDOM 

three,  who  remained  at  my  desire,  turning  the  body 
of  Strap,  in  order  to  see  the  wound  which  had  killed 
him,  found  him  still  warm,  and  breathing;  upon 
which  I  immediately  let  him  blood,  and  saw  him, 
with  inexpressible  joy,  recover;  he  having  received 
no  other  wound  than  what  his  fear  had  inflicted. 
Having  raised  him  upon  his  legs,  we  walked  together 
to  an  inn,  about  half  a  mile  from  the  place,  where 
Strap,  who  was  not  quite  recovered,  went  to  bed ; 
and  in  a  little  time,  the  third  servant  returned  with 
the  captain's  horse  and  furniture,  leaving  him  to 
crawl  after  as  well  as  he  could.  This  gentleman 
of  the  sword,  upon  his  arrival,  complained  grievously 
of  the  bruise  occasioned  by  his  fall;  and,  on  the 
recommendation  of  the  servant,  who  wan-anted  my 
ability,  I  was  employed  to  bleed  him,  for  which  ser- 
vice he  rewarded  me  with  half  a  crown. 

The  time  between  this  event  and  dinner,  I  passed 
in  observing  a  game  at  cards  between  two  farmers, 
an  exciseman,  and  a  young  fellow  in  a  rusty  gown 
and  cassock,  who,  as  I  afterwards  understood,  was 
curate  of  a  neighbouring  parish.  It  was  easy  to  per- 
ceive that  the  match  was  not  equal ;  and  that  the  two 
farmers,  who  were  partners,  had  to  do  with  a  couple 
of  sharpers,  who  stript  them  of  all  their  cash  in  a 
very  short  time.  But  what  surprised  me  very  much 
was,  to  hear  this  clergyman  reply  to  one  of  the 
countrymen  who  seemed  to  suspect  foul  play,  in 
[74] 


ADVENTURES    AT    AN    INN 

these  words:  "D — n  me,  friend,  d'ye  question  my 
honour  ?  "  —  I  did  not  at  all  wonder  to  find  a  cheat 
in  canonicals,  this  being  a  character  frequent  in  my 
own  country ;  but  I  was  scandalised  at  the  indecency 
of  his  behaviour,  which  appeared  in  the  oaths  he 
swore,  and  the  bawdy  songs  which  he  sung.  At 
last,  to  make  amends,  in  some  sort,  for  the  damage 
he  had  done  to  the  unwary  boors,  he  pulled  out  a 
fiddle  from  the  lining  of  his  gown,  and,  promising  to 
treat  them  at  dinner,  began  to  play  most  melodiously, 
singing  in  concert  all  the  while.  This  good  humour 
of  the  parson  inspired  the  company  with  so  much 
glee,  that  the  farmers  soon  forgot  their  losses,  and 
all  present  went  to  dancing  in  the  yard.  While  we 
were  agreeably  amused  in  this  manner,  our  musician 
spying  a  horseman  riding  towards  the  inn,  stopt  all 
of  a  sudden,  crying  out,  "  Gad  so  !  gentlemen,  I  beg 
your  pardon ;  there 's  our  dog  of  a  doctor  coming 
into  the  inn."  He  immediately  concealed  his  instru- 
ment, and  ran  towards  the  gate,  where  he  took  hold 
of  the  vicar's  bridle,  and  helped  him  off,  inquiring 
very  cordially  into  the  state  of  his  health.  This  rosy 
son  of  the  church,  who  might  be  about  the  age  of 
fifty,  having  alighted,  and  entrusted  the  curate  with 
his  horse,  stalked  with  great  solemnity  into  the 
kitchen,  where,  sitting  down  by  the  fire,  he  called  for 
a  bottle  of  ale  and  a  pipe ;  scarce  deigning  an  answer 
to  the  submissive  questions  of  those  who  inquired 
[75] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

about  the  welfare  of  his  family.  While  he  indulged 
himself  in  this  state,  amidst  a  profound  silence,  the 
curate,  approaching  him  with  great  reverence,  asked 
if  he  would  not  be  pleased  to  honour  us  with  his 
company  at  dinner?  To  which  interrogation  he 
answered  in  the  negative,  saying,  he  had  been  to 
visit  Squire  Bumpkin,  who  had  drank  himself  into 
a  high  fever  at  the  last  assizes  ;  and  that  he  had,  on 
leaving  his  own  house,  told  Betty  he  should  dine  at 
home.  Accordingly,  when  he  had  made  an  end  of 
his  bottle  and  pipe,  he  rose  and  moved,  with  prelati- 
cal  dignity,  to  the  door,  where  his  journeyman  stood 
ready  with  his  nag.  He  had  no  sooner  mounted, 
than  the  facetious  curate,  coming  into  the  kitchen, 
held  forth  in  this  manner:  "There  the  old  rascal 
goes,  and  the  devil  go  with  him. — You  see  how 
the  world  wags,  gentlemen.  —  By  gad,  this  rogue  of 
a  vicar  does  not  deserve  to  live ;  and  yet  he  has  two 
livings  worth  ^400  per  annum,  while  poor  I  am  fain 
to  do  all  his  drudgery,  and  ride  twenty  miles  every 
Sunday  to  preach,  for  what  ?  why,  truly,  for  £20  a 
year.  I  scorn  to  boast  of  my  own  qualifications ; 
but  —  comparisons  are  odious.  I  should  be  glad  to 
know  how  this  swag-bellied  doctor  deserves  to  be 
more  at  ease  than  me.  He  can  loll  in  his  elbow- 
chair  at  home,  indulge  himself  in  the  best  of  victuals 
and  wine,  and  enjoy  the  conversation  of  Betty,  his 
housekeeper.  You  understand  me,  gentlemen.  Betty 

[76] 


ADVENTURES    AT    AN    INN 

is  the  doctor's  poor  kinswoman,  and  a  pretty  girl  she 
is ;  but  no  matter  for  that :  —  ay,  and  a  dutiful  girl 
to  her  parents,  whom  she  visits  regularly  every  year, 
though  I  must  own,  I  could  never  learn  in  what 
county  they  live.  —  My  service  t'  ye,  gentlemen." 

By  this  time  dinner  being  ready,  I  waked  my  com- 
panion, and  we  ate  all  together  with  great  cheerful- 
ness. When  our  meal  was  ended,  and  every  man's 
share  of  the  reckoning  adjusted,  the  curate  went  out 
on  pretence  of  some  necessary  occasion,  and  mount- 
ing his  horse,  left  the  two  farmers  to  satisfy  the  host 
in  the  best  manner  they  could.  We  were  no  sooner 
informed  of  this  piece  of  finesse,  than  the  exciseman, 
who  had  been  silent  hitherto,  began  to  open  with  a 
malicious  grin :  "  Ay,  ay,  this  is  an  old  trick  of 
Shuffle :  I  could  not  help  smiling  when  he  talked  of 
treating.  You  must  know  this  is  a  very  curious 
fellow.  He  picked  up  some  scraps  of  learning  while 
he  served  young  Lord  Trifle  at  the  university.  But 
what  he  most  excels  in  is  pimping.  No  man  knows 
his  talents  better  than  I ;  for  I  was  valet  de  chambre 
to  Squire  Tattle,  an  intimate  companion  of  Shuffle's 
lord.  He  got  himself  into  a  scrape,  by  pawning 
some  of  his  lordship's  clothes,  on  which  account  he 
was  turned  away;  but,  as  he  was  acquainted  with 
some  particular  circumstances  of  my  lord's  conduct, 
he  did  not  care  to  exasperate  him  too  much,  and  so 
made  interest  for  his  receiving  orders,  and  afterwards 
[77] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

recommended  him  to  the  curacy  which  he  now  en- 
joys. However,  the  fellow  cannot  be  too  much 
admired  for  his  dexterity  in  making  a  comfortable 
livelihood,  in  spite  of  such  a  small  allowance.  You 
hear  he  plays  a  good  stick,  and  is  really  diverting  in 
company.  These  qualifications  make  him  agreeable 
wherever  he  goes ;  and,  as  for  playing  at  cards,  there 
is  not  a  man  within  three  counties  a  match  for  him  : 
the  truth  is,  he  is  a  damnable  cheat ;  and  can  shift 
a  card  with  such  address,  that  it  is  impossible  to  dis- 
cover him."  Here  he  was  interrupted  by  one  of  the 
farmers,  who  asked  why  he  had  not  justice  enough  to 
acquaint  them  with  these  particulars  before  they 
engaged  in  play?  The  exciseman  replied,  without 
any  hesitation,  that  it  was  none  of  his  business  to 
intermeddle  between  man  and  man ;  besides,  he  did 
not  know  they  were  ignorant  of  Shuffle's  character, 
which  was  notorious  to  the  whole  country.  This  did 
not  satisfy  the  other,  who  taxed  him  with  abetting 
and  assisting  the  curate's  knavery,  and  insisted  on 
having  his  share  of  the  winnings  returned;  this 
demand  the  exciseman  as  positively  refused,  affirm- 
ing that  whatsoever  sleights  Shuffle  might  practise 
on  other  occasions,  he  was  very  certain  that  he  had 
played  on  the  square  with  them,  and  would  answer 
it  before  any  bench  in  Christendom ;  so  saying,  he 
got  up,  and  having  paid  his  reckoning,  sneaked  off. 
The  landlord  thrusting  his  neck  into  the  passage,  to 
[78] 


ADVENTURES    AT    AN    INN 

see  if  he  was  gone,  shook  his  head,  saying,  "  Ah  ! 
Lord  help  us,  if  every  sinner  was  to  have  his  deserts. 
—  Well,  we  victuallers  must  not  disoblige  the  excise- 
man. —  But  I  know  what :  —  if  parson  Shuffle  and 
he  were  weighed  together,  a  straw  thrown  into  either 
scale  would  make  the  balance  kick  the  beam.  —  But, 
masters,  this  is  under  the  rose,"  continued  Boniface, 
with  a  whisper. 


[79] 


CHAPTER    TEN 

THE    HIGHWAYMAN    IS   TAKEN WE    AEE   DETAINED   AS 

EVIDENCE    AGAINST    HIM PEOCEED  TO    THE  NEXT 

VILLAGE HE  ESCAPES WE  ARRIVE  AT  ANOTHER 

INN,   WHERE   WE    GO   TO   BED IN   THE    NIGHT   WE 

ARE  AWAKED   BY  A  DREADFUL  ADVENTURE NEXT 

NIGHT    WE   LODGE    AT    THE    HOUSE   OF    A    SCHOOL- 
MASTER  OUR  TREATMENT  THERE. 

STRAP  and  I  were  about  to  depart  on  our 
journey,  when  we  perceived  a  crowd  on  the 
road  coming  towards  us,  shouting  and  hal- 
looing all  the  way.     As  it  approached,  we 
could  discern  a  man  on  horseback  in  the  middle,  with 
his  hands  tied  behind  him,  whom  we  soon  knew  to 
be   Rifle.     This  highwayman,    not    being    so    well 
mounted  as  the  two  servants  who  went  in  pursuit  of 
him,  was  soon  overtaken,  and,  after  having  discharged 
his  pistols,  made  prisoner  without  any  further  opposi- 
tion.    They  were  carrying  him  in  triumph,  amidst 
the  acclamations  of  the  country  people,  to  a  justice 
of  peace  in   a  neighbouring  village,   but   stopt  at 
our  inn  to  join  their  companion,  and  take  refresh- 
ment.    When  Rifle  was  dismounted,  and  placed  in 
the  yard,   within  a  circle  of  peasants  armed  with 
[80] 


THE    HIGHWAYMAN    ESCAPES 

pitchforks,  I  was  amazed  to  see  what  a  pitiful  dejected 
fellow  he  now  appeared,  who  had  but  a  few  hours 
before  filled  me  with  such  terror  and  confusion.  My 
companion  was  so  much  encouraged  by  this  alteration 
in  his  appearance,  that,  going  up  to  the  thief,  he 
presented  his  clenched  fists  to  his  nose,  and  declared 
he  would  either  cudgel  or  box  with  the  prisoner  for 
a  guinea,  which  he  immediately  produced,  and  began 
to  strip,  but  was  dissuaded  from  his  adventure  by  me, 
who  represented  to  him  the  folly  of  the  undertaking, 
as  Rifle  was  now  in  the  hands  of  justice,  which  would, 
no  doubt,  give  us  all  satisfaction  enough.  But  what 
made  me  repent  of  our  impertinent  curiosity,  was  our 
being  detained  by  the  captors  as  evidence  against  him, 
when  we  were  just  going  to  set  forward.  However, 
there  was  no  remedy;  we  were  obliged  to  comply; 
and  accordingly  joined  in  the  cavalcade,  which  luckily 
took  the  same  road  that  we  had  proposed  to  follow. 
About  the  twilight  we  arrived  at  the  place  of  our 
destination ;  but,  as  the  justice  was  gone  to  visit  a 
gentleman  in  the  country,  with  whom,  we  understood, 
he  would  probably  stay  all  night,  the  robber  was  con- 
fined in  an  empty  garret  three  stories  high,  from  which 
it  seemed  impossible  for  him  to  escape.  This,  never- 
theless, was  the  case ;  for  next  morning,  when  they 
went  upstairs  to  bring  him  before  the  justice,  the  bird 
was  flown,  having  got  out  at  the  window  upon  the 
roof,  from  whence  he  continued  his  route  along  the 
TOL.  i.— <  [  81  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

tops  of  the  adjoining  houses,  and  entered  another 
garret  window,  where  he  skulked  until  the  family  were 
asleep,  at  which  time  he  ventured  downstairs,  and  let 
himself  out  by  the  street  door,  which  was  found  open. 
This  event  was  a  great  disappointment  to  those  that 
apprehended  him,  who  were  flushed  with  hopes  of  the 
reward ;  but  gave  me  great  joy,  as  I  was  permitted 
now  to  continue  my  journey  without  any  further 
molestation.  Resolving  to  make  up  for  the  small 
progress  we  had  hitherto  made,,  we  this  day  travelled 
with  great  vigour,  and  before  night  reached  a  market- 
town,  twenty  miles  from  the  place  from  whence  we  set 
out  in  the  morning,  without  meeting  any  adventure 
worth  notice.  Here  having  taken  up  our  lodging  at 
an  inn,  I  found  myself  so  fatigued,  that  I  began  to 
despair  of  performing  our  journey  on  foot,  and  desired 
Strap  to  inquire  if  there  were  any  waggon,  return- 
horses,  or  other  cheap  carriage  in  this  place,  to  depart 
for  London  next  day.  He  was  informed,  that  the 
waggon  from  Newcastle  to  London  had  halted  there 
two  nights  ago ;  and  that  it  would  be  an  easy  matter 
to  .overtake  it,  if  not  the  next  day,  at  farthest  the  day 
after  the  next.  This  piece  of  news  gave  us  some 
satisfaction  ;  and,  after  having  made  a  hearty  supper 
on  hashed  mutton,  we  were  shown  to  our  room,  which 
contained  two  beds,  the  one  allotted  for  us,  and  the 
other  for  a  very  honest  gentleman,  who,  we  were 
told,  was  then  drinking  below.  Though  we  could 
[82] 


A    DREADFUL    ADVENTURE 

have  very  well  dispensed  with  his  company,  we  were 
clad  to  submit  to  this  disposition,  as  there  was  not 
another  bed  empty  in  the  house;  and  accordingly 
went  to  rest,  after  having  secured  our  baggage  under 
the  bolster. 

About  two  or  three  o'clock  in  the  morning,  I  was 
waked  out  of  a  very  profound  sleep,  by  a  dreadful 
noise  in  the  chamber,  which  did  not  fail  to  throw  me 
into  an  agony  of  consternation,  when  I  heard  these 
words  pronounced  with  a  terrible  voice :  "  Blood  and 
wounds !  run  the  halbert  into  the  guts  of  him  that 's 
next  you,  and  I  '11  blow  the  other's  brains  out  pres- 
ently." This  dreadful  salutation  had  no  sooner 
reached  the  ears  of  Strap,  than,  starting  out  of  bed, 
he  ran  against  somebody  in  the  dark,  and  overturned 
him  in  an  instant;  at  the  same  time  bawling  out, 
"Fire!  murder!  fire!"  a  cry  which  in  a  moment 
alarmed  the  whole  house,  and  filled  our  chamber  with 
a  crowd  of  naked  people.  When  lights  were  brought, 
the  occasion  of  all  this  disturbance  soon  appeared ; 
which  was  no  other  than  our  fellow-lodger,  whom  we 
found  lying  on  the  floor  scratching  his  head,  with  a 
look  testifying  the  utmost  astonishment  at  the  con- 
course of  apparitions  that  surrounded  him.  —  This 
honest  gentleman  was,  it  seems,  a  recruiting  sergeant, 
who,  having  listed  two  country  fellows  overnight, 
dreamed  they  had  mutinied,  and  threatened  to 
murder  him  and  the  drummer  who  was  along  with 
[83] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

him.  This  made  such  an  impression  on  his  imagina- 
tion, that  he  got  up  in  his  sleep,  and  expressed  him- 
self as  above. 

When  our  apprehension  of  danger  vanished,  the 
company  beheld  one  another  with  great  surprise  and 
mirth ;  but  what  attracted  the  notice  of  every  one, 
was  our  landlady,  with  nothing  on  her  but  her  shift, 
and  a  large  pair  of  buckskin  breeches,  with  the  back- 
side before,  which  she  had  slipt  on  in  the  hurry,  and 
her  husband,  with  her  petticoat  about  his  shoulders. 
One  had  wrapt  himself  in  a  blanket,  another  was 
covered  with  a  sheet,  and  the  drummer,  who  had 
given  his  only  shirt  to  be  washed,  appeared  in 
cuerpo,  with  the  bolster  rolled  about  his  middle. 
When  this  affair  was  discussed,  everybody  retired 
to  his  own  apartment,  the  sergeant  slipt  into  bed, 
and  my  companion  and  I  slept  without  any  further 
disturbance  till  morning,  when  we  got  up,  went  to 
breakfast, .  paid  our  reckoning,  and  set  forward,  in 
expectation  of  overtaking  the  waggon ;  in  which 
hope,  however,  we  were  disappointed  for  that  day. 
As  we  exerted  ourselves  more  than  usual,  I  found 
myself  quite  spent  with  fatigue,  when  we  entered  a 
small  village  in  the  twilight.  We  inquired  for  a 
public-house,  and  were  directed  to  one  of  a  very 
sorry  appearance.  At  our  entrance,  the  landlord, 
who  seemed  to  be  a  venerable  old  man,  with  long 
grey  hair,  rose  from  a  table  placed  by  a  large  fire 
[84] 


A.    SCHOLARLY    INNKEEPER 

in  a  very  neat  paved  kitchen,  and,  with  a  cheerful 
countenance,  accosted  us  in  these  words :  "  Salvete, 
pueri,  ingredimim.'"  I  was  not  a  little  pleased  to 
hear  our  host  speak  Latin,  because  I  was  in  hope  of 
recommending  myself  to  him  by  my  knowledge  in 
that  language ;  I  therefore  answered,  without  hesita- 
tion, —  "  Dissolve  frigus,  ligna  super  foco  —  large 
reponens.""  I  had  no  sooner  pronounced  these  words, 
than  the  old  gentleman,  running  toward  me,  shook 
me  by  the  hand,  crying,  "  Fill  mi  dilectissime  !  unde 
venis?  a  superis,  ni  fallor !""  In  short,  finding  we 
were  both  read  in  the  classics,  he  did  not  know  how 
to  testify  his  regard  enough ;  but  ordered  his 
daughter,  a  jolly  rosy-cheeked  damsel,  who  was  his 
sole  domestic,  to  bring  us  a  bottle  of  his  quadrimum, 
repeating  from  Horace  at  the  same  time,  "  Deprcmc 
quadrimum  Sabina,  O  Thaliarche,  merum  diota.""  This 
qtiadrimum  was  excellent  ale  of  his  own  brewing,  of 
which  he  told  us  he  had  always  an  amphora  four 
years  old  for  the  use  of  himself  and  friends.  In  the 
course  of  our  conversation,  which  was  interlarded 
with  scraps  of  Latin,  we  understood  that  this  face- 
tious person  was  a  schoolmaster,  whose  income  being 
small,  he  was  fain  to  keep  a  glass  of  good  liquor  for 
the  entertainment  of  passengers,  by  which  he  made 
shift  to  make  the  two  ends  of  the  year  meet.  "  I  am 
this  day,"  said  he,  "the  happiest  old  fellow  in  his 
Majesty's  dominions.  My  wife,  rest  her  soul,  is  in 
[85] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

heaven.  My  daughter  is  to  be  married  next  week ; 
but  the  two  chief  pleasures  of  my  life  are  these 
(pointing  to  the  bottle  and  a  large  edition  of  Horace 
that  lay  on  the  table).  I  am  old,  't  is  true,  —  what 
then  ?  the  more  reason  I  should  enjoy  the  small  share 
of "  life  that  remains,  as  my  friend  Flaccus  advises : 
**  Tu  ne  qucesieris  (scire  nefas)  quern  mihi,  quern  tibi 
Jinem  di  dederint.  Carpe  diem,  quam  minimum  credula 
postero" 

As  he  was  very  inquisitive  about  our  affairs,  we 
made  no  scruple  of  acquainting  him  with  our  situa- 
tion, which  when  he  had  learned,  he  enriched  us  with 
advices  how  to  behave  in  the  world,  telling  us,  that 
he  was  no  stranger  to  the  deceits  of  mankind.  In 
the  meantime,  he  ordered  his  daughter  to  lay  a  fowl 
to  the  fire  for  supper,  for  he  was  resolved  this  night 
to  regale  his  friends  — permittens  divis  ccetera.  While 
our  entertainment  was  preparing,  our  host  recounted 
the  adventures  of  his  own  life,  which,  as  they  contain 
nothing  remarkable,  I  forbear  to  rehearse.  When  we 
had  fared  sumptuously,  and  drank  several  bottles  of 
his  quadrimum,  I  expressed  a  desire  of  going  to  rest, 
which  was  with  some  difficulty  complied  with,  after 
he  had  informed  us,  that  we  should  overtake  the 
waggon  by  noon  next  day  ;  and  that  there  was  room 
enough  in  it  for  half  a  dozen,  for  there  were  only  four 
passengers  as  yet  in  that  convenience.  Before  my 
comrade  and  I  fell  asleep,  we  had  some  conversation 
[86] 


AN    UNCONSCIONABLE    BILL 

about  the  good  humour  of  our  landlord,  which  gave 
Strap  such  an  idea  of  his  benevolence,  that  he  posi- 
tively believed  we  should  pay  nothing  for  our  lodg- 
ing and  entertainment.  "  Don't  you  observe,"  said 
he,  "  that  he  has  conceived  a  particular  affection  for 
us ;  nay,  even  treated  us  at  supper  with  extraordi- 
nary fare,  which,  to  be  sure,  we  should  not  of  our- 
selves have  called  for?" 

I  was  partly  of  Strap's  opinion ;  but  the  experi- 
ence I  had  of  the  world  made  me  suspend  my  belief 
till  the  morning,  when,  getting  up  betimes,  we  break- 
fasted with  our  host  and  his  daughter  on  hasty-pud- 
ding and  ale,  and  desired  to  know  what  we  had  to 
pay.  "  Biddy  will  let  you  know,  gentlemen,"  said  he, 
"  for  I  never  mind  these  matters.  Money  matters 
are  beneath  the  concern  of  one  who  lives  upon  the 
Horatian  plan.  Crescentem  sequitur  cura  pecuniam.'" 
Meanwhile,  Biddy  having  consulted  a  slate  that  hung 
in  the  corner,  told  us,  our  reckoning  came  to  8s.  7d. 
"  Eight  shillings  and  sevenpence ! "  cried  Strap ;  "  't  is 
impossible  —  you  must  be  mistaken,  young  woman." 
"  Reckon  again,  child,"  says  her  father,  very  deliber- 
ately ;  "  perhaps  you  have  miscounted."  "  No,  indeed, 
father,"  she  replied,  "  I  know  my  business  better."  I 
could  contain  my  indignation  no  longer,  but  said, 
it  was  an  unconscionable  bill,  and  demanded  to 
know  the  particulars ;  upon  which  the  old  man  got 
up,  muttering,  "  Ay,  ay,  let  us  see  the  particulars  — 
[87] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

that  "s  but  reasonable."     And,  taking  pen,  ink,  and 
paper,  wrote  the  following  items :  — 

X.    d. 

To  bread  and  beer  .  .  .  .06 
To  a  fowl  and  sausages  .  .  .26 
To  four  bottles  quadrim.  .  .  .20 
To  fire  and  tobacco  .  .  .  .07 

To  lodging 20 

To  breakfast 10 

FT 

As  he  had  not  the  appearance  of  a  common  pub- 
lican, and  had  raised  a  sort  of  veneration  in  me  by 
his  demeanour  the  preceding  night,  it  was  not  in  my 
power  to  upbraid  him  as  he  deserved;  therefore  I 
contented  myself  with  saying,  I  was  sure  he  did  not 
learn  to  be  an  extortioner  from  Horace.  He  an- 
swered, I  was  but  a  young  man,  and  did  not  know 
the  world,  or  I  would  not  tax  him  with  extortion, 
whose  only  aim  was  to  live  "  contentus  parvo,  and 
keep  off  importuna  pauperies"  My  fellow-traveller 
could  not  so  easily  put  up  with  this  imposition ;  but 
swore  he  should  either  take  one-third  of  the  money, 
or  go  without.  While  we  were  engaged  in  this  dis- 
pute, I  perceived  the  daughter  go  out,  and  conjectur- 
ing the  occasion,  immediately  paid  the  exorbitant 
demand,  which  was  no  sooner  done,  than  Biddy 
returned  with  two  stout  fellows,  who  came  in  on 
pretence  of  taking  their  morning  draught;  but  in 
[88] 


AN    UNCONSCIONABLE    BILL 

reality  to  frighten  us  into  compliance.  Just  as  we 
departed,  Strap,  who  was  half  distracted  on  account 
of  this  piece  of  expense,  went  up  to  the  schoolmaster, 
and,  grinning  in  his  face,  pronounced  with  great  em- 
phasis, "  Semper  avarus  eget?  To  which  the  pedant 
replied,  with  a  malicious  smile,  "  Animum  rege,  yui, 
nisiparet,  vmperat? 


[89] 


CHAPTER    ELEVEN 

WE    DESCRY   THE   WAGGON GET   INTO   IT ARRIVE    AT 

AN    INN OUR    FELLOW-TRAVELLERS    DESCRIBED 

A    MISTAKE    IS    COMMITTED    BY    STRAP,    WHICH    PRO- 
DUCES  STRANGE   THINGS. 

WE  travelled  half  a   mile  without  ex- 
changing  one    word ;    my    thoughts 
being  engrossed   by   the  knavery   of 
the  world,  to  which  I  must  be  daily 
exposed;    and   the  contemplation   of  my   finances, 
which  began  sensibly  to  diminish.     At  length  Strap, 
who  could  hold  no  longer,  addressed  me  thus  :  "  Well, 
fools  and  their  money  are  soon  parted.    If  my  advice 
had  been  taken,  that  old  skinflint  should  have  been 
damn'd  before  he  had  got  more  than  the  third  of  his 
demand.  —  T  is  a  sure  sign  you  came  easily  by  your 
money,  when  you  squander  it  away  in  this  manner. 
Ah,  God  help  you,  how  many  bristly  beards  must  I 
have  mowed  before  I  earned  four  shillings  and  three- 
pence halfpenny,  which  is  all  thrown  to  the  dogs  ? 
How  many  days  have  I  sat  weaving  hair,  till  my  toes 
were  numbed  by  the  cold,  my  fingers  cramp'd,  and 
my  nose  as  blue  as  the  sign  of  the  periwig  that  hung 
[90] 


IN    THE    WAGGON 

over  the  door  ?  What  the  devil  was  you  afraid  of? 
I  would  have  engaged  to  box  with  any  one  of  those 
fellows  that  came  in,  for  a  guinea.  I  'm  sure  I  have 
beat  stouter  men  than  either  of  them."  And  indeed 
my  companion  would  have  fought  anybody,  when 
his  life  was  in  no  danger ;  but  he  had  a  mortal  aver- 
sion to  firearms,  and  all  instruments  of  death.  In 
order  to  appease  him,  I  assured  him,  no  part  of  this 
extraordinary  expense  should  fall  upon  his  shoulders  ; 
at  which  declaration  he  was  affronted,  and  told  me, 
he  would  have  me  to  know,  that,  although  he  was  a 
poor  barber's  boy,  he  had  a  soul  to  spend  his  money 
with  the  best  squire  of  the  land.  Having  walked  all 
day  at  a  great  pace,  without  halting  for  a  refresh- 
ment, we  descried,  towards  the  evening,  to  our 
inexpressible  joy,  the  waggon  about  a  quarter  of  a 
mile  before  us  ;  and  by  that  time  we  reached  it,  were 
both  of  us  so  weary,  that  I  verily  believe  it  would 
have  been  impracticable  for  us  to  have  walked  one 
mile  farther.  We  therefore  bargained  with  the 
driver,  whose  name  was  Joey,  to  give  us  a  cast  to 
the  next  stage  for  a  shilling ;  at  which  place  we 
should  meet  the  master  of  the  waggon,  with  whom  we 
might  agree  for  the  rest  of  the  journey. 

Accordingly,  the  convenience  stopped,  and  Joey 

having  placed  the  ladder,  Strap  (being  loaded  with 

our  baggage)  mounted  first;    but,  just  as  he  was 

getting  in,  a  tremendous  voice  assailed  his  ears  in 

[91] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

these  words  :  "  God's  fury !  there  shall  no  passengers 
come  here."  The  poor  shaver  was  so  disconcerted  at 
this  exclamation,  which  both  he  and  I  imagined  pro- 
ceeded from  the  mouth  of  a  giant,  that  he  descended 
with  great  velocity,  and  a  countenance  as  white  as 
paper.  Joey  perceiving  our  astonishment,  called 
with  an  arch  sneer,  "  Waunds,  coptain,  whay  woan't 
you  sooffer  the  poor  waggoneer  to  meake  a  penny  ? 
Coom,  coom,  young  man,  get  oop,  get  oop,  never 
moind  the  coptain  —  I  'se  not  afear'd  of  the  coptain." 
This  was  not  encouragement  sufficient  to  Strap,  who 
could  not  be  prevailed  upon  to  venture  up  again; 
upon  which  I  attempted,  though  not  without  a 
quaking  heart,  when  I  heard  the  same  voice  mutter- 
ing like  distant  thunder,  "  Hell  and  the  devil  con- 
found me,  if  I  don't  make  you  smart  for  this ! n 
However,  I  crept  in,  and  by  accident,  got  an  empty 
place  in  the  straw,  which  I  immediately  took  posses- 
sion of,  without  being  able  to  discern  the  faces  of  my 
fellow-travellers  in  the  dark.  Strap  following  with 
the  knapsack  on  his  back,  chanced  to  take  the  other 
side,  and,  by  a  jolt  of  the  carriage,  pitched  directly 
upon  the  stomach  of  the  captain,  who  bellowed  out 
in  a  most  dreadful  manner,  "  Blood  and  thunder, 
where 's  my  sword  ?  "  At  these  words,  my  frighted 
comrade  started  up,  and  at  one  spring  bounced 
against  me  with  such  force,  that  I  thought  he  was 
the  supposed  son  of  Anak,  who  intended  to  press  me 
[92] 


IN   THE    WAGGON 

to  death.  In  the  meantime,  a  female  voice  cried, 
K  Bless  me  ?  what  is  the  matter,  my  dear  ?  "  "  The 
matter,"  replied  the  captain,  "  d — n  my  blood !  my 
guts  are  squeezed  into  a  pancake  by  that  Scotchman's 
hump."  Strap,  trembling  all  the  while  at  my  back, 
asked  him  pardon,  and  laid  the  blame  of  what  had 
happened  upon  the  jolting  of  the  waggon ;  and  the 
woman  who  spoke  before,  went  on :  "  Ay,  ay,  my 
dear,  it  is  our  own  fault ;  we  may  thank  ourselves  for 
all  the  inconveniences  we  meet  with.  I  thank  God 
I  never  travelled  so  before.  I  'm  sure,  if  my  lady  or 
Sir  John  was  to  know  where  we  are,  they  would  not 
sleep  this  night  for  vexation.  I  wish  to  God  we  had 
writ  for  the  chariot :  I  know  we  shall  never  be  for- 
given." —  "  Come,  come,  my  dear,"  replied  the  cap- 
tain, "  it  don't  signify  fretting  now  —  we  shall  laugh 
it  over  as  a  frolic —  I  hope  you  will  not  suffer  in 
your  health.  I  shall  make  my  lord  very  merry  with 
our  adventures  in  the  diligence." 

This  discourse  gave  me  such  a  high  notion  of  the 
captain  and  his  lady,  that  I  durst  not  venture  to  join 
in  the  conversation.  But  immediately  after,  another 
female  voice  began :  "  Some  people  give  themselves 
a  great  many  needless  airs  —  better  folks  than  any 
here  have  travelled  in  waggons  before  now.  Some 
of  us  have  rode  in  coaches  and  chariots,  with  three 
footmen  behind  them,  without  making  so  much  fuss 
about  it.  What  then  ?  we  are  now  all  upon  a  foot- 
[98] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

ing;  therefore  let's  be  sociable  and  merry.  What 
do  you  say,  Isaac  ?  Is  not  this  a  good  motion,  you 
doting  rogue  ?  Speak,  you  old  cent,  per  cent,  forni- 
cator.  What  desperate  debts  are  you  thinking  of? 
What  mortgage  are  you  planning?  Well,  Isaac, 
positively  you  shall  never  gain  my  favour  till  you 
turn  over  a  new  leaf,  grow  honest,  and  live  like  a 
gentleman.  In  the  meantime,  give  me  a  kiss,  you 
old  fumbler."  These  words,  accompanied  with  a 
hearty  smack,  enlivened  the  person  to  whom  they 
were  addressed  to  such  a  degree,  that  he  cried  in  a 
transport,  though  with  a  faltering  voice,  "  Ah  !  you 
wanton  baggage  —  upon  my  credit,  you  are  a  wag- 
gish girl,  he,  he,  he."  This  laugh  introduced  a  fit  of 
coughing,  which  almost  suffocated  the  poor  usurer 
(such,  we  afterwards  found,  was  the  profession  of  this 
our  fellow-traveller).  About  this  time  I  fell  asleep, 
and  enjoyed  a  comfortable  nap,  till  such  time  as  we 
arrived  at  the  inn  where  we  put  up.  Here,  having 
alighted  from  the  waggon,  I  had  an  opportunity  of 
viewing  the  passengers  in  order  as  they  entered. 
The  first  who  appeared  was  a  brisk  airy  girl,  about 
twenty  years  old,  with  a  silver-laced  hat  on  her  head, 
instead  of  a  cap,  a  blue  stuff  riding-suit  trimmed  with 
silver,  very  much  tarnished,  and  a  whip  in  her  hand. 
After  her  came  limping  an  old  man,  with  a  worsted 
night-cap,  buttoned  under  his  chin,  and  a  broad- 
brimmed  hat  slouched  over  it,  an  old  rusty  blue  cloak 
[94] 


FELLOW-TRAVELLERS    DESCRIBED 

tied  about  his  neck,  under  which  appeared  a  brown 
surtout,  that  covered  a  threadbare  coat  and  waist- 
coat, and,  as  we  afterwards  discerned,  a  dirty  flannel 
jacket.  His  eyes  were  hollow,  bleared,  and  gummy ; 
his  face  was  shrivelled  into  a  thousand  wrinkles,  his 
gums  were  destitute  of  teeth,  his  nose  sharp  and  droop- 
ing, his  chin  peaked  and  prominent,  so  that,  when 
he  mumped  or  spoke,  they  approached  one  another 
like  a  pair  of  nut-crackers ;  he  supported  himself 
on  an  ivory-headed  cane  ;  and  his  whole  figure  was  a 
just  emblem  of  winter,  famine,  and  avarice.  But  how 
was  I  surprised,  when  I  beheld  the  formidable  cap- 
tain in  the  shape  of  a  little  thin  creature,  about  the 
age  of  forty,  with  a  long  withered  visage,  very  much 
resembling  that  of  a  baboon,  through  the  upper  part 
of  which  two  little  grey  eyes  peeped :  he  wore  his 
own  hair  in  a  queue  that  reached  to  his  rump,  which 
immoderate  length,  I  suppose,  was  the  occasion  of  a 
baldness  that  appeared  on  the  crown  of  his  head, 
when  he  deigned  to  take  off  his  hat,  which  was  very 
much  of  the  size  and  cock  of  Pistol's. 

Having  laid  aside  his  great-coat,  I  could  not  help 
admiring  the  extraordinary  make  of  this  man  of  war : 
he  was  about  five  feet  and  three  inches  high,  sixteen 
inches  of  which  went  to  his  face  and  long  scraggy 
neck ;  his  thighs  were  about  six  inches  in  length,  his 
legs  resembling  spindles  or  drumsticks,  two  feet  and 
a  half,  and  his  body,  which  put  me  in  mind  of  ex- 
[95] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

tension  without  substance,  engrossed  the  remainder; 
so  that,  on  the  whole,  he  appeared  like  a  spider  or 
grasshopper  erect,  and  was  almost  a  vox  et  prceterea 
nihil.  His  dress  consisted  of  a  frock  of  what  is  called 
bear-skin,  the  skirts  of  which  were  about  half  a  foot 
long,  an  hussar  waistcoat,  scarlet  breeches,  reaching 
halfway  down  his  thighs,  worsted  stockings,  rolled 
up  almost  to  his  groin,  and  shoes  with  wooden  heels 
at  least  two  inches  high :  he  earned  a  sword  very 
near  as  long  as  himself  in  one  hand,  and  with  the 
other  conducted  his  lady,  who  seemed  to  be  a  woman 
of  his  own  age,  and  still  retained  some  remains  of  an 
agreeable  person ;  but  so  ridiculously  affected,  that, 
had  I  not  been  a  novice  in  the  world,  I  might  have 
easily  perceived  in  her  the  deplorable  vanity  and 
second-hand  airs  of  a  lady's  woman.  We  were  all 
assembled  in  the  kitchen,  when  Captain  Weazel  (for 
that  was  his  name)  desired  a  room  with  a  fire  for 
himself  and  spouse,  and  told  the  landlord  they  would 
sup  by  themselves.  The  innkeeper  replied,  that  he 
could  not  afford  them  a  room  by  themselves ;  and  as 
for  supping,  he  had  prepared  victuals  for  the  pas- 
sengers in  the  waggon,  without  respect  of  persons ; 
but  if  he  could  prevail  on  the  rest  to  let  him  have 
his  choice  in  a  separate  manner,  he  should  be  very 
well  pleased.  This  was  no  sooner  said,  than  all  of 
us  declared  against  the  proposal;  and  Miss  Jenny, 
our  other  female  passenger,  observed,  that,  if  Captain 
[96] 


FELLOW-TRAVELLERS    DESCRIBED 

Weazel  and  his  lady  had  a  mind  to  sup  by  them- 
selves, they  might  wait  until  we  should  have  done. 
At  this  hint,  the  captain  put  on  a  martial  frown,  and 
looked  very  big,  without  speaking ;  while  his  yoke- 
fellow, with  a  disdainful  toss  of  her  nose,  muttered 
something  about  "  Creature !"  which  Miss  Jenny 
overhearing,  stept  up  to  her,  saying,  "  None  of  your 
names,  good  Mrs.  Abigail.  Creature,  quotha — I'll 
assure  you,  no  such  creature  as  you,  neither  —  no  ten 
pound  sneaker  —  no  quality  coupler."  —  Here  the 
captain  interposed,  with  a  "  D — me,  madam,  what 
do  you  mean  by  that  ?  "  —  "  D — n  you,  sir,  who  are 
you  ?  "  replied  Miss  Jenny,  "  who  made  you  a  captain, 
you  pitiful,  trencher-scraping,  pimping  curler?  — 
'Sdeath !  the  army  is  come  to  a  fine  pass,  when  such 
fellows  as  you  get  commissions  —  what,  I  suppose 
you  think  I  don't  know  you  ?  —  Egad,  you  and  your 
helpmate  are  well  met  —  a  cast-off  mistress  and  a 
bald  valet-de-chambre  are  well  yoked  together.** 
"  Blood  and  wounds ! "  cried  Weazel,  "  d'  ye  question 
the  honour  of  my  wife,  madam  !  —  Hell  and  d — tion ! 
No  man  in  England  durst  say  so  much.  I  would  flea 
him  —  carbonado  him !  Fury  and  destruction !  I 
would  have  his  liver  for  my  supper."  So  saying,  he 
drew  his  sword,  and  flourished  with  it,  to  the  great 
terror  of  Strap ;  while  Miss  Jenny,  snapping  her 
fingers,  told  him,  she  did  not  value  his  resentment  a 
louse.  In  the  midst  of  this  quarrel,  the  master  of 

VOL.  I.  — 7  [97] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  waggon  alighted,  who  understanding  the  cause  of 
the  disturbance,  and  fearing  the  captain  and  his  lady 
would  take  umbrage,  and  leave  his  carriage,  was  at 
great  pains  to  have  everything  made  up,  which  he  at 
last  accomplished,  and  we  sat  down  to  supper  all 
together.  At  bedtime  we  were  shown  to  our  apart- 
ments :  the  old  usurer,  Strap,  and  I,  to  one  room ; 
the  captain,  his  wife,  and  Miss  Jenny,  to  another. 
About  midnight,  my  companion's  bowels  being  dis- 
ordered, he  got  up,  in  order  to  go  backward ;  but,  in 
his  return,  mistaking  one  door  for  another,  entered 
Weazel's  chamber,  and  without  any  hesitation,  went 
to  bed  to  his  wife,  who  was  fast  asleep ;  the  captain 
being  at  another  end  of  the  room,  groping  for  some 
empty  vessel,  in  lieu  of  his  own  chamber-pot,  which 
was  leaky :  as  he  did  not  perceive  Strap  coming  in, 
he  went  towards  his  own  bed,  after  having  found  a 
convenience ;  but  no  sooner  did  he  feel  a  rough  head, 
covered  with  a  cotton  night-cap,  than  it  came  into 
his  mind,  that  he  had  mistaken  Miss  Jenny's  bed 
instead  of  his  own,  and  that  the  head  he  felt  was 
that  of  some  gallant,  with  whom  she  had  made  an 
assignation.  Full  of  this  conjecture,  and  scandalised 
at  the  prostitution  of  his  apartment,  he  snatched  up 
the  vessel  he  had  just  before  filled,  and  emptied  it  at 
once  on  the  astonished  barber  and  his  own  wife,  who 
waking  at  that  instant,  broke  forth  into  lamentable 
cries  which  not  only  alarmed  the  husband  beyond 
[98] 


RESULT    OF    STRAP'S    MISTAKE 

measure,  but  frightened  poor  Strap  almost  out  of  his 
senses;  for  he  verily  believed  himself  bewitched; 
especially  when  the  incensed  captain  seized  him  by 
the  throat,  with  a  volley  of  oaths,  asking  him  how 
he  durst  have  the  presumption  to  attempt  the 
chastity  of  his  wife.  Poor  Strap  was  so  amazed  and 
confounded,  that  he  could  say  nothing,  but,  "  I  take 
God  to  witness,  she 's  a  virgin  for  me.""  Mrs.  Weazel, 
enraged  to  find  herself  in  such  a  pickle,  through  the 
precipitation  of  her  husband,  arose  in  her  shift,  and 
with  the  heel  of  her  shoe,  which  she  found  by  the 
bedside,  belaboured  the  captain's  bald  pate,  till  he 
roared,  "  Murder."  "  1 11  teach  you  to  empty  your 
stink-pots  on  me,"  cried  she,  "  you  pitiful  hop-o'-my- 
thumb  coxcomb.  What !  I  warrant  you  're  jealous, 
you  man  of  lath.  Was  it  for  this  I  condescended  to 
take  you  to  my  bed,  you  poor  withered  sapless  twig  ?  " 
The  noise  occasioned  by  this  adventure  had  brought 
the  master  of  the  waggon  and  me  to  the  door,  where 
we  overheard  all  that  passed  with  great  satisfaction. 
In  the  meantime,  we  were  alarmed  with  the  cry  of 
"  Rape !  murder !  rape ! "  which  Miss  Jenny  pro- 
nounced with  great  vociferation.  —  "  O !  you  vile 
abominable  old  villain,"  said  she,  "would  you  rob 
me  of  my  virtue  ?  But  I  '11  be  revenged  of  you,  you 
old  goat !  I  will  —  Help !  for  heaven's  sake  !  help !  — 
I  shall  be  ravished  —  ruined !  help !  **  Some  servants 
of  the  inn,  hearing  this  cry,  came  running  upstairs 
[99] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

with  lights,  and  such  weapons  as  chance  afforded, 
when  we  beheld  a  very  diverting  scene.  In  one 
corner  stood  the  poor  captain,  shivering  in  his  shirt, 
which  was  all  torn  to  rags,  with  a  woeful  visage, 
scratched  all  over  by  his  wife,  who  had  by  this  time 
wrapped  the  counterpane  about  her,  and  sat  sobbing 
on  the  side  of  her  bed.  In  the  other  end  lay  the  old 
usurer,  sprawling  on  Miss  Jenny's  bed,  with  his  flannel 
jacket  over  his  shirt,  and  his  tawny  meagre  limbs 
exposed  to  the  air ;  while  she  held  him  fast  by  the 
two  ears,  and  loaded  him  with  execrations.  When 
we  asked  what  was  the  matter,  she  affected  to  weep ; 
told  us,  she  was  afraid  that  wicked  rogue  had  ruined 
her  in  her  sleep ;  and  bade  us  take  notice  of  what  we 
saw,  for  she  intended  to  make  use  of  our  evidence 
against  him.  The  poor  wretch  looked  like  one  more 
dead  than  alive,  and  begged  to  be  released ;  a  favour 
which  he  had  no  sooner  obtained,  than  he  protested 
she  was  no  woman,  but  a  devil  incarnate ;  that  she 
had  first  seduced  his  flesh  to  rebel,  and  then  betrayed 
him.  "  Yes,  cockatrice,"  continued  he,  "  you  know 
you  laid  this  snare  for  me,  but  you  shan't  succeed, 
for  I  will  hang  myself  before  you  shall  get  a  farthing 
off  me."  So  saying,  he  crawled  to  his  own  bed, 
groaning  all  the  way.  We  then  advanced  to  the 
captain,  who  told  us,  "  Gentlemen,  here  has  been  a 
d — ned  mistake ;  but  I  '11  be  revenged  on  him  who 
was  the  occasion  of  it.  That  Scotchman  who  carries 
[100] 


RESULT    OF    STRAP'S    MISTAKE 

the  knapsack  shall  not  breathe  this  vital  air  another 
day,  if  my  name  be  Weazel.  My  dear,  I  ask  you  ten 
thousand  pardons ;  you  are  sensible  I  could  mean  no 
harm  to  you."  —  "I  know  not  what  you  meant," 
replied  she,  sighing,  "'but  I  know  I  have  got  enough 
to  send  me  to  my  grave."  At  length  they  were 
reconciled.  The  wife  was  complimented  with  a  share 
of  Miss  Jenny's  bed  (her  own  being  overflowed),  and 
the  master  of  the  waggon  invited  Weazel  to  sleep  the 
remaining  part  of  the  night  with  him.  I  retired  to 
mine,  where  I  found  Strap  mortally  afraid,  he  having 
stole  away  in  the  dark,  while  the  captain  and  his  lady 
were  at  loggerheads. 


[101] 


CHAPTER    TWELVE 

CAPTAIN  WEAZEL  CHALLENGES  STRAP,  WHO  DECLINES  THE 

COMBAT AN  AFFAIR  BETWEEN  THE  CAPTAIN   AND 

ME THE  USURER  IS  FAIN  TO  GIVE  MISS  JENNY  FIVE 

GUINEAS  FOR  A  RELEASE WE  ARE  IN  DANGER  OF 

LOSING  A   MEAL THE   BEHAVIOUR  OF   WEAZEL, 

JENNY,  AND  JOEY,  ON  THAT  OCCASION AN  AC- 
COUNT OF  CAPTAIN  WEAZEL  AND  HIS  LADY  —  THE 
CAPTAIN'S  COURAGE  TRIED  —  ISAAC'S  MIRTH  AT  THE 
CAPTAIN'S  EXPENSE. 

NEXT  morning  I  agreed  to  give  the  mas- 
ter of  the  waggon  ten  shillings  for  my 
passage    to    London,   provided    Strap 
should   be  allowed  to   take   my  place 
when  I  should  be  disposed  to  walk  —  at  the  same 
time  I  desired  him  to  appease  the  incensed  captain, 
who  had  entered  the  kitchen  with  a  drawn  sword  in 
his  hand,  and  threatened,  with  many  oaths,  to  sacri- 
fice the  villain  who  attempted  to  violate  his  bed  ;  but 
it  was  to  no  purpose  for  the  master  to  explain  the 
mistake,  and  assure  him  of  the  poor  lad's  innocence, 
who  stood  trembling  behind  me  all  the  while.     The 
more  submission  that  appeared  in  Strap,  the  more 
implacable  seemed  the  resentment  of  Weazel,  who 
[102] 


THE  CAPTAIN  CHALLENGES  STRAP 

swore  he  must  either  fight  him,  or  he  would  instantly 
put  him  to  death.  I  was  extremely  provoked  at  this 
insolence,  and  told  him,  it  could  not  be  supposed  that 
a  poor  barber  lad  would  engage  a  man  of  the  sword 
at  his  own  weapon ;  but  I  was  persuaded  he  would 
wrestle  or  box  with  him.  To  which  proposal  Strap 
immediately  gave  assent,  by  saying,  he  would  box  "with 
him  for  a  guinea.  Weazel  replied,  with  a  look  of 
disdain,  that  it  was  beneath  any  gentleman  of  his 
character  to  fight  like  a  porter,  or  even  to  put  him- 
self on  a  footing,  in  any  respect,  with  such  a  fellow  as 
Strap.  "  Odds  bodikins  ! "  cries  Joey,  "  sure,  coptain, 
yaw  would  not  commit  moorder !  Here 's  a  poor  lad 
that  is  willing  to  make  atoonement  for  his  offence ; 
and  an  that  woan't  satisfie  yaw,  offers  to  fight  yaw 
fairly.  An  yaw  woan't  box,  I  dare  say,  he  will  cood- 
gel  with  yaw,  —  woan't  yaw,  my  lad  ?  "  —  Strap,  after 
some  hesitation,  answered, "  Yes,  yes,  I  '11  cudgel  with 
him."  But  this  expedient  being  also  rejected  by  the 
captain,  I  began  to  smell  his  character,  and,  tipping 
Strap  the  wink,  told  the  company  that  I  had  always 
heard  it  said,  the  person  who  receives  a  challenge 
should  have  the  choice  of  the  weapons ;  this  there- 
fore being  the  rule  in  point  of  honour,  I  would  ven- 
ture to  promise,  on  the  head  of  my  companion,  that 
he  would  even  fight  Captain  Weazel  at  sharps,  but  it 
should  be  with  such  sharps  as  Strap  was  best  ac- 
quainted with,  namely,  razors.  At  my  mentioning 
[103] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

razors,  I  could  perceive  the  captain's  colour  change, 
while  Strap,  pulling  me  by  the  sleeve,  whispered  with 
great  eagerness,  "  No,  no,  no ;  for  the  love  of  God, 
don't  make  any  such  bargain."  At  length  Weazel 
recovering  himself,  returned  towards  me,  and,  with  a 
ferocious  countenance,  asked,  "  Who  the  devil  are 
you  ?  will  you  fight  me  ?  "  With  these  words,  put- 
ting himself  in  a  posture,  I  was  grievously  alarmed  at 
seeing  the  point  of  a  sword  within  half  a  foot  of  my 
breast ;  and,  springing  to  one  side,  snatched  up  a  spit 
that  stood  in  the  chimney-corner,  with  which  I  kept 
my  formidable  adversary  at  bay,  who  made  a  great 
many  half-lounges,  skipping  backward  at  every  push, 
till  at  last  I  pinned  him  up  in  a  corner,  to  the  no 
small  diversion  of  the  company. 

While  he  was  in  this  situation,  his  wife  entered, 
and,  seeing  her  husband  in  these  dangerous  circum- 
stances, uttered  a  dreadful  scream  :  in  this  emergency, 
Weazel  demanded  a  cessation,  which  was  immediately 
granted ;  and  at  last  was  contented  with  the  submis- 
sion of  Strap,  who,  falling  upon  his  knees  before  him, 
protested  the  innocence  of  his  intention,  and  asked 
pardon  for  the  mistake  he  had  committed.  This 
affair  being  ended  without  bloodshed,  we  went  to 
breakfast,  but  missed  two  of  our  company,  namely, 
Miss  Jenny  and  the  usurer.  As  for  the  first,  Mrs. 
Weazel  informed  us,  that  she  had  kept  her  awake  all 
night  with  her  groans ;  and  that,  when  she  rose  in 
[104] 


JENNY    AND    THE    USURER 

the  morning,  Miss  Jenny  was  so  much  indisposed,  that 
she  could  not  proceed  on  her  journey.  At  that  in- 
stant, a  message  came  from  her  to  the  master  of 
the  waggon,  who  immediately  went  into  her  chamber, 
followed  by  us  all.  She  told  him  in  a  lamentable 
tone,  that  she  was  afraid  of  a  miscarriage,  owing  to 
the  fright  she  received  last  night  from  the  brutality 
of  Isaac  ;  and,  as  the  event  was  uncertain,  desired  the 
usurer  might  be  detained  to  answer  for  the  conse- 
quence. Accordingly,  this  ancient  Tarquin  was 
found  in  the  waggon,  whither  he  had  retired  to  avoid 
the  shame  of  last  night's  disgrace,  and  brought  by 
force  into  her  presence.  He  no  sooner  appeared, 
than  she  began  to  weep  and  sigh  most  piteously,  and 
told  us,  if  she  died,  she  would  leave  her  blood  upon 
the  head  of  that  ravisher.  Poor  Isaac  turned  up  his 
eyes  and  hands  to  heaven,  prayed  that  God  would  de- 
liver him  from  the  machinations  of  that  Jezebel ;  and 
assured  us,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  that  his  being  found 
in  bed  with  her  was  the  result  of  her  own  invitation. 
The  waggoner  understanding  the  case,  advised  Isaac 
to  make  it  up,  by  giving  her  a  sum  of  money ; 
to  which  advice  he  replied,  with  great  vehemence, 
"  A  sum  of  money !  —  a  halter  for  the  cockatrice  !  " 
—  "  Oh  !  "t  is  very  well,11  said  Miss  Jenny :  "  I  see  it 
is  in  vain  to  attempt  that  flinty  heart  of  his  by  fair 
means.  Joey,  be  so  good  as  to  go  to  the  justice,  and 
tell  him  there  is  a  sick  person  here,  who  wants  to  see 
[105] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

him  on  an  affair  of  consequence.'1  At  the  name  of 
justice,  Isaac  trembled,  and,  bidding  Joey  stay,  asked 
with  a  quivering  voice,  what  she  would  have  ?  She 
told  him,  that  as  he  had  not  perpetrated  his  wicked 
purpose,  she  would  be  satisfied  with  a  small  matter. 
And  though  the  damage  she  might  sustain  in  her 
health  might  be  irreparable,  she  would  give  him  a  re- 
lease for  an  hundred  guineas.  "  An  hundred  guineas ! " 
cried  he,  in  an  ecstasy,  "  an  hundred  furies !  Where 
should  a  poor  old  wretch  like  me  have  an  hundred 
guineas?  If  I  had  so  much  money,  d'ye  think  I 
should  be  found  travelling  in  a  waggon  at  this  season 
of  the  year  ?  "  "  Come,  come,"  replied  Jenny,  "  none 
of  your  miserly  artifice  here.  You  think  I  don't 
know  Isaac  Rapine,  the  money-broker,  in  the  Minories. 
Ah  !  you  old  rogue !  many  a  pawn  have  you  had  of 
me  and  my  acquaintance,  which  was  never  redeemed." 
Isaac  finding  it  was  in  vain  to  disguise  himself, 
offered  twenty  shillings  for  a  discharge,  which  she  ab- 
solutely refused  under  fifty  pounds.  At  last,  how- 
ever, she  was  brought  down  to  five,  which  he  paid, 
with  great  reluctancy,  rather  than  be  prosecuted  for 
a  rape.  After  which  accommodation  the  sick  person 
made  shift  to  get  into  the  waggon,  and  we  set  for- 
wards in  great  tranquillity,  Strap  being  accommo- 
dated with  Joey's  horse,  the  driver  himself  choosing 
to  walk. 

This  morning  and  forenoon  we  were  entertained 
[106] 


THE    CAPTAIN    AND    HIS    LADY 

with  an  account  of  the  valour  of  Captain  Weazel, 
who  told  us  he  had  once  knocked  down  a  soldier 
that  made  game  of  him ;  tweaked  a  drawer  by  the 
nose,  who  found  fault  with  his  picking  his  teeth 
with  a  fork,  at  another  time ;  and  that  he  had  more- 
over challenged  a  cheesemonger,  who  had  the  pre- 
sumption to  be  his  rival ;  —  for  the  truth  of  which 
exploits  he  appealed  to  his  wife.  She  confirmed 
whatever  he  said,  and  observed,  "  The  last  affair  hap- 
pened that  very  day  on  which  I  received  a  love-letter 
from  Squire  Gobble ;  and  don't  you  remember,  my 
dear,  I  was  prodigiously  sick  that  very  night  with 
eating  ortolans,  when  my  Lord  Diddle  took  notice  of 
my  complexion's  being  altered,  and  my  lady  was  so 
alarmed  that  she  had  well-nigh  fainted."  "  Yes, 
my  dear,"  replied  the  captain,  "  you  know,  my  lord 
said  to  me,  with  a  sneer,  *  Billy,  Mrs.  Weazel  is  cer- 
tainly breeding.1  And  I  answered  cavalierly,  *  My 
lord,  I  wish  I  could  return  the  compliment.'  Upon 
which  the  whole  company  broke  out  into  an  immod- 
erate fit  of  laughter;  and  my  lord,  who  loves  a 
repartee  dearly,  came  round  and  bussed  me." 

We  travelled  in  this  manner  five  days,  without 
interruption,  or  meeting  anything  worth  notice: 
Miss  Jenny,  who  soon  recovered  her  spirits,  enter- 
taining us  every  day  with  diverting  songs,  of  which 
she  could  sing  a  great  number ;  and  rallying  her  old 
gallant,  who,  notwithstanding,  would  never  be  rec- 

[107] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

onciled  to  her.  On  the  sixth  day,  while  we  were 
about  to  sit  down  to  dinner,  the  innkeeper  came 
and  told  us,  that  three  gentlemen,  just  arrived,  had 
ordered  the  victuals  to  be  carried  to  their  apart- 
ment, although  he  had  informed  them  that  they 
were  bespoke  by  the  passengers  in  the  waggon.  To 
which  information  they  had  replied,  "The  passen- 
gers in  the  waggon  might  be  d — ned,  —  their  betters 
must  be  served  before  them  —  they  supposed  it 
would  be  no  hardship  on  such  travellers  to  dine 
upon  bread  and  cheese  for  one  day."  This  was  a 
terrible  disappointment  to  us  all ;  and  we  laid  our 
heads  together  how  to  remedy  it ;  when  Miss  Jenny 
observed,  that  Captain  Weazel,  being  by  profession 
a  soldier,  ought  in  this  case  to  protect  and  prevent 
us  from  being  insulted.  But  the  captain  excused 
himself,  saying,  he  would  not  for  all  the  world  be 
known  to  have  travelled  in  a  waggon  ;  swearing  at 
the  same  time,  that,  could  he  appear  with  honour, 
they  should  eat  his  sword  sooner  than  his  provision. 
Upon  this  declaration,  Miss  Jenny,  snatching  his 
weapon,  drew  it,  and  ran  immediately  into  the 
kitchen,  where  she  threatened  to  put  the  cook  to 
death  if  he  did  not  send  the  victuals  into  our  cham- 
ber immediately.  The  noise  she  made  brought  the 
three  strangers  down,  one  of  'whom  no  sooner  per- 
ceived her,  than  he  cried,  "  Ha !  Jenny  Ramper ! 
what  the  devil  brought  thee  hither?"  "My  dear 
[108] 


DANGER    OF    LOSING    A    MEAL 

Jack  Rattle!"  replied  she,  running  into  his  arms, 
"is  it  you?  Then  Weazel  may  go  to  hell  for  a 
dinner  —  I  shall  dine  with  you." 

They  consented  to  this  proposal  with  a  great  deal 
of  joy  ;  and  we  were  on  the  point  of  being  reduced 
to  a  very  uncomfortable  meal,  when  Joey,  under- 
standing the  whole  affair,  entered  the  kitchen  with 
a  pitchfork  in  his  hand,  and  swore  he  would  be  the 
death  of  any  man  who  should  pretend  to  seize  the 
victuals  prepared  for  the  waggon.  This  menace  had 
like  to  have  produced  fatal  consequences ;  the  three 
strangers  drawing  their  swords,  and  being  joined  by 
their  servants,  and  we  ranging  ourselves  on  the  side 
of  Joey;  when  the  landlord  interposing,  offered  to 
part  with  his  own  dinner  to  keep  the  peace,  which 
was  accepted  by  the  strangers ;  and  we  sat  down  at 
table  without  any  further  molestation.  In  the  af- 
ternoon, I  chose  to  walk  along  with  Joey,  and  Strap 
took  my  place.  Having  entered  into  a  conversation 
with  this  driver,  I  soon  found  him  to  be  a  merry, 
facetious,  good-natured  fellow,  and  withal  very  arch. 
He  informed  me,  that  Miss  Jenny  was  a  common  girl 
upon  the  town  ;  who  falling  into  company  with  a 
recruiting  officer,  he  carried  her  down  in  the  stage- 
coach from  London  to  Newcastle,  where  he  had  been 
arrested  for  debt,  and  was  now  in  prison ;  upon 
which  she  was  fain  to  return  to  her  former  way  of 
life,  by  this  conveyance.  He  told  me  likewise,  that 
[109] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

one  of  the  gentleman's  servants  whom  we  left  at  the 
inn,  having  accidentally  seen  Weazel,  immediately 
knew  him,  and  acquainted  Joey  with  some  particu- 
lars of  his  character.  That  he  had  served  my  Lord 
Frizzle  in  quality  of  valet-de-chambre  many  years, 
while  he  lived  separate  from  his  lady :  but,  upon 
their  reconciliation,  she  expressly  insisted  upon 
Weazel's  being  turned  off,  as  well  as  the  woman  he 
kept;  when  his  lordship,  to  get  rid  of  them  both 
with  a  good  grace,  proposed  that  he  should  marry 
his  mistress,  and  he  would  procure  a  commission  for 
him  in  the  army.  This  expedient  was  agreed  to; 
and  Weazel  is  now,  by  his  lordship's  interest,  ensign 

in 's  regiment.     I  found  he  and  I  had  the  same 

sentiments  with  regard  to  Weazel's  courage,  which 
we  resolved  to  put  to  the  trial,  by  alarming  the 
passengers  with  the  cry  of  "A  highwayman!"  as 
soon  as  an  horseman  should  appear.  This  scheme  we 
put  in  practice  towards  the  dusk,  when  we  descried 
a  man  on  horseback  approaching  us.  Joey  had  no 
sooner  intimated  to  the  people  in  the  waggon,  that 
he  was  afraid  we  should  all  be  robbed,  than  a  gen- 
eral consternation  arose.  Strap  jumped  out  of  the 
waggon,  and  hid  himself  behind  a  hedge.  The 
usurer  put  forth  ejaculations,  and  made  a  rustling 
among  the  straw,  which  made  us  conjecture  he  had 
hid  something  under  it.  Mrs.  Weazel,  wringing  her 
hands,  uttered  lamentable  cries ;  and  the  captain,  to 
[110] 


THE    CAPTAIN'S    COURAGE    TRIED 

our  great  amazement,  began  to  snore ;  but  this  arti- 
fice did  not  succeed ;  for  Miss  Jenny,  shaking  him 
by  the  shoulder,  bawled  out,  "  'Sdeath !  captain,  is 
this  a  time  to  snore,  when  we  are  going  to  be  robbed  ? 
Get  up,  for  shame,  and  behave  like  a  soldier  and  a 
man  of  honour."  Weazel  pretended  to  be  in  a  great 
passion  for  being  disturbed,  and  swore  he  would  have 
his  nap  out  if  all  the  highwaymen  in  England  sur- 
rounded him.  "D — n  my  blood!  what  are  you 
afraid  of?"  continued  he,  at  the  same  time  trem- 
bling with  such  agitation,  that  the  whole  carriage 
shook.  This  singular  piece  of  behaviour  incensed 
Miss  Ramper  so  much,  that  she  cried,  "  D — n  your 
pitiful  soul,  you  are  as  arrant  a  poltroon  as  ever  was 
drummed  out  of  a  regiment.  —  Stop  the  waggon, 
Joey — let  me  get  out,  and  by  G — d,  if  I  have 
rhetoric  enough,  the  thief  shall  not  only  take  your 
purse,  but  your  skin  also." 

So  saying,  she  leapt  out  with  great  agility.  By 
this  time  the  horseman  came  up  with  us,  and  hap- 
pened to  be  a  gentleman's  servant  well  known  to 
Joey,  who  communicated  the  scheme,  and  desired  him 
to  carry  it  on  a  little  further,  by  going  up  to  the 
waggon,  and  questioning  those  within.  The  stranger 
consenting  for  the  sake  of  diversion,  approached  it, 
and  in  a  terrible  tone,  demanded,  "  Who  have  we  got 
here?"  Isaac  replied,  with  a  lamentable  voice, 
"  Here 's  a  poor  miserable  sinner,  who  has  got  a  small 

[in] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

family  to  maintain,  and  nothing  in  the  world  where- 
withal, but  these  fifteen  shillings,  which  if  you  rob  me 
of,  we  must  all  starve  together.11  "  Who 's  that  sob- 
bing in  the  other  corner  ?  "  said  the  supposed  high- 
wayman. "  A  poor  unfortunate  woman,11  answered 
Mrs.  Weazel,  "  upon  whom  I  beg  you  for  Christ^  sake 
to  have  compassion.11  "  Are  you  maid  or  wife  ?  "  said 
he.  "Wife,  to  my  sorrow,11  cried  she.  "Who  or 
where  is  your  husband  ?  "  continued  he.  "  My  hus- 
band,11 replied  Mrs.  Weazel,  "  is  an  officer  in  the  army, 
and  was  left  sick  at  the  last  inn  where  we  dined.1' 
"You  must  be  mistaken,  madam,11  said  he,  "for  I 
myself  saw  him  get  into  the  waggon  this  afternoon. 
—  But  pray  what  smell  is  that  ?  Sure  your  lap-dog 
has  befouled  himself ;  —  let  me  catch  hold  of  the 
nasty  cur,  I  '11  teach  him  better  manners.11  Here  he 
laid  hold  of  one  of  WeazePs  legs,  and  pulled  him  out 
from  under  his  wife^  petticoats,  where  he  had  con- 
cealed himself.  The  poor  trembling  captain,  being 
detected  in  this  inglorious  situation,  rubbed  his  eyes, 
and  affecting  to  wake  out  of  sleep,  cried,  "  What 's 
the  matter  ?  —  what  *s  the  matter  ?  "  "  The  matter 
is  not  much,11  answered  the  horseman,  "  I  only  called 
in  to  inquire  after  your  health,  and  so  adieu,  most 
noble  captain.11  So  saying,  he  clapt  spurs  to  his 
horse,  and  was  out  of  sight  in  a  moment.  It  was 
some  time  before  Weazel  could  recollect  himself,  but 
at  length  reassuming  the  big  look,  he  said,  "  D — n  the 
[112] 


ISAAC'S    MIRTH 

fellow  !  why  did  he  ride  away,  before  I  had  time  to 
ask  him  how  his  lord  and  lady  do?  —  Don't  you 
remember  Tom,  my  dear  ?  "  addressing  himself  to  his 
wife.  "  Yes,"  replied  she,  "  I  think  I  do  remember 
something  of  the  fellow  —  but  you  know  I  seldom 
converse  with  people  of  his  station."  "  Hey-day," 
cried  Joey,  "  do  yaw  knaw  the  young  mon,  coptain  ?  " 
"  Know  him,"  said  Weazel,  "  many  a  time  has  he 
filled  a  glass  of  Burgundy  for  me  at  my  Lord  Trippet's 
table."  "  And  what  may  his  neame  be,  coptain  ?  " 
said  Joey.  "  His  name  ?  —  his  name,"  replied  Weazel, 
"  is  Tom  Rinser."  "  Waunds ! "  cried  Joey,  "  a  has 
changed  his  own  neame  then  !  for  I  'se  lay  a  wager  he 
was  christened  John  Trotter."  This  observation 
raised  a  laugh  against  the  captain,  who  seemed  very 
much  disconcerted;  when  Isaac  broke  silence,  and 
said,  "  It  was  no  matter  who  or  what  he  was,  since  he 
has  not  proved  the  robber  we  suspected.  And  we 
ought  to  bless  God  for  our  narrow  escape."  "  Bless 
God,"  said  Weazel,  "  bless  the  devil !  for  what  ?  had 
he  been  a  highwayman,  I  should  have  eat  his  blood, 
body,  and  guts,  before  he  had  robbed  me,  or  any  one 
in  this  diligence"  "  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! "  cried  Miss  Jenny, 
"  I  believe  you  will  eat  all  you  kill  indeed,  captain." 
The  usurer  was  so  well  pleased  at  the  event  of  this 
adventure,  that  he  could  not  refrain  from  being  severe, 
and  took  notice,  that  Captain  Weazel  seemed  to  be  a 
good  Christian,  for  he  had  armed  himself  with  patience 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  resignation,  instead  of  carnal  weapons,  and  worked 
out  his  salvation  with  fear  and  trembling.  This  piece 
of  satire  occasioned  a  great  deal  of  mirth  at  Weazel's 
expense,  who  muttered  a  great  many  oaths,  and  threat- 
ened to  cut  Isaac's  throat.  The  usurer  taking  hold 
of  this  menace,  said,  "  Gentlemen  and  ladies,  I  take 
you  all  to  witness,  that  my  life  is  in  danger  from  this 
bloody-minded  officer.  1 11  have  him  bound  over  to 
the  peace."  This  second  sneer  procured  another 
laugh  against  him,  and  he  remained  crestfallen  during 
the  remaining  part  of  our  journey. 


[114] 


CHAPTER    THIRTEEN 

STRAP  AND    I  ARE  TERRIFIED  BY  AN  APPARITION 

STRAP'S  CONJECTURE  —  THE  MYSTERY  EXPLAINED  BY 

JOEY WE  ARRIVE  AT  LONDON OUR  DRESS  AND 

APPEARANCE  DESCRIBED WE   ARE   INSULTED    IN 

THE  STREET AN  ADVENTURE  IN  AN  ALE-HOUSE 

WE  ARE  IMPOSED  UPON  BY  A  WAGGISH  FOOTMAN 

SET  TO  RIGHTS  BY  A  TOBACCONIST TAKE  LODGINGS 

DIVE  FOR  A  DINNER AN  ACCIDENT  AT  OUR 

ORDINARY. 

W  arrived  at  our  inn,  supped,  and  went 
;o  bed ;  but  Strap^s  distemper  continu- 
ng,  he  was  obliged  to  rise  in  the  mid- 
dle   of  the   night,    and   taking   the 
candle  in  his  hand,  which  he  had  left  burning  for  the 
purpose,  he  went  down  to  the  house  of  office,  whence, 
in  a  short  time,  he  returned  in  a  great  hurry,  with  his 
hair  standing  on  end,  and  a  look  betokening  horror 
and  astonishment !     Without  speaking  a  word,  he  set 
down  the  light,  and  jumped  into  bed  behind  me, 
where  he  lay    and   trembled  with  great  violence. 
When  I  asked  him  what  was  the  matter  ?  he  replied, 
with  a  broken  accent,  "  God  have  mercy  on  us !  —  I 
have  seen  the  devil ! "    Though  my  prejudice  was  not 
[115] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

quite  so  strong  as  his,  I  was  not  a  little  alarmed  at 
this  exclamation ;  and  much  more  so,  when  I  heard 
the  sound  of  bells  approaching  our  chamber,  and 
felt  my  bedfellow  cling  close  to  me,  uttering  these 
words,  "  Christ  have  mercy  upon  us !  —  there  he 
comes !  " 

At  that  instant,  a  monstrous  overgrown  raven 
entered  our  chamber,  with  bells  at  his  feet,  and  made 
directly  towards  our  bed.  As  this  creature  is  reck- 
oned in  our  country  a  common  vehicle  for  the  devil 
and  witches  to  play  their  pranks  in,  I  verily  believed 
we  were  haunted,  and,  in  a  violent  fright,  shrunk 
under  the  bedclothes.  This  terrible  apparition  leapt 
upon  the  bed,  and,  after  giving  us  several  severe 
dabs  with  its  beak  through  the  blankets,  hopped 
away  and  vanished.  Strap  and  I  recommended  our- 
selves to  the  protection  of  Heaven  with  great  devo- 
tion ;  and,  when  we  no  longer  heard  the  noise,  ven- 
tured to  peep  up  and  take  breath.  But  we  had  not 
been  long  freed  from  this  phantom,  when  another 
appeared,  that  had  well-nigh  deprived  us  both  of  our 
senses.  We  perceived  an  old  man  enter  the  room, 
with  a  long  white  beard  that  reached  to  his  middle ; 
there  was  a  certain  wild  peculiarity  in  his  eyes  and 
countenance  that  did  not  savour  of  this  world  ;  and 
his  dress  consisted  of  a  brown  stuff  coat,  buttoned 
behind  and  at  the  wrists,  with  an  odd-fashioned  cap  of 
the  same  stuff  upon  his  head.  I  was  so  amazed,  that 
[116] 


-  . 

At  that  ins 

tered  our  ch« 

v      w 


OLD   MAN   ENTERS   RODERICKS    ROOM 

IK\   u   ri-J  »-s  t  , 

AT   THE    INN 

we  were  haunted,  tuiu,  in  ;i 

under  the  I>edelothe8.     This  U  "apt 

upon  the  bed,  and,  after  giving 

with  its  beak   thnmg^    ^<;-% 

aii-1  •'••;••••:          r>ri.i     HIMJ   i  our- 


na 

a; 


We  perceived  an  old  man  enter  the  room 


AN    APPARITION 

I  had  not  power  to  move  my  eyes  from  such  a 
ghastly  object,  but  lay  motionless,  and  saw  him  come 
straight  up  to  me.  When  he  reached  the  bed,  he 
wrung  his  hands,  and  cried,  with  a  voice  that  did 
not  seem  to  belong  to  a  human  creature,  "  Where  is 
Ralph  ? "  I  made  no  reply ;  upon  which  he  re- 
peated, in  an  accent  still  more  preternatural,  "  Where 
is  Ralpho  ?  "  He  had  no  sooner  pronounced  these 
words,  than  I  heard  the  sound  of  the  bells  at  a  dis- 
tance ;  which  the  apparition  having  listened  to,  tripped 
away,  and  left  me  almost  petrified  with  fear.  It  was 
a  good  while  before  I  could  recover  myself  so  far  as 
to  speak ;  and  when  at  length  I  turned  to  Strap,  I 
found  him  in  a  fit,  which,  however,  did  not  last 
long.  When  he  came  to  himself,  I  asked  his  opinion 
of  what  had  happened  ;  and  he  assured  me,  that  the 
first  must  certainly  be  the  soul  of  some  person 
damned,  which  appeared  by  the  chains  about  his 
legs,  (for  his  fears  had  magnified  the  creature  to  the 
bigness  of  a  horse,  and  the  sound  of  small  morrice- 
bells  to  the  clanking  of  massy  chains).  As  for  the 
old  man,  he  took  it  to  be  the  spirit  of  somebody 
murdered  long  ago  in  this  place,  which  had  power 
granted  to  it  to  torment  the  assassin  in  the  shape  of 
a  raven,  and  that  Ralpho  was  the  name  of  the  said 
murderer.  Although  I  had  not  much  faith  in  this 
interpretation,  I  was  too  much  troubled  to  enjoy 
any  sleep,  and  in  all  my  future  adventures  never 
[117] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

passed  a  night  so  ill.  In  the  morning,  Strap  im- 
parted the  whole  affair  to  Joey,  who,  after  an  immod- 
erate fit  of  laughter,  explained  the  matter,  by  telling 
him  the  old  man  was  the  landlord's  father,  who  had 
been  an  idiot  some  years,  and  diverted  himself  with 
a  tame  raven,  which,  it  seems,  had  hopped  away 
from  his  apartment  in  the  night,  and  induced  him 
to  follow  it  to  our  chamber,  where  he  had  inquired 
after  it,  under  the  name  of  Ralpho. 

Nothing  remarkable  happened  during  the  remain- 
ing part  of  our  journey,  which  continued  six  or 
seven  days  longer.  At  length,  we  entered  the  great 
city,  and  lodged  all  night  at  the  inn  where  the 
waggon  put  up.  Next  morning,  all  the  passengers 
parted  different  ways ;  while  my  companion  and  I 
sallied  out  to  inquire  for  the  member  of  parliament, 
to  whom  I  had  a  letter  of  recommendation  from  Mr. 
Crab.  As  we  had  discharged  our  lodging  at  the  inn, 
Strap  took  up  our  baggage  and  marched  behind  me 
in  the  street,  with  the  knapsack  on  his  back,  as 
usual,  so  that  we  made  a  very  whimsical  appearance. 
I  had  dressed  myself  to  the  greatest  advantage  — 
that  is,  put  on  a  clean  ruffled  shirt,  and  my  best 
thread  stockings.  My  hair,  which  was  of  the  deep- 
est red,  hung  down  upon  my  shoulders,  as  lank  and 
straight  as  a  pound  of  candles ;  and  the  skirts  of  my 
coat  reached  to  the  middle  of  my  leg ;  my  waistcoat 
and  breeches  were  of  the  same  piece,  and  cut  in  the 
[118] 


ARRIVAL    IN    LONDON 

same  taste;  and  my  hat  very  much  resembled  a 
barber's  bason,  in  the  shallowness  of  the  crown,  and 
narrowness  of  the  brim.  Strap  was  habited  in  a 
much  less  awkward  manner ;  but  a  short  crop-eared 
wig  that  very  much  resembled  Scrub's  in  the  play,  and 
the  knapsack  on  his  back,  added  to  what  is  called  a 
queer  phiz,  occasioned  by  a  long  chin,  hook  nose, 
and  high  cheek-bones,  rendered  him  on  the  whole  a 
very  fit  subject  of  mirth  and  pleasantry. 

As  we  walked  along,  Strap,  at  my  desire,  inquired 
of  a  carman,  whom  we  met,  whereabouts  Mr.  Cringer 
lived  ;  and  was  answered  by  a  stare,  accompanied  with 
the  word,  **  Anan  ! "  Upon  which  I  came  up  in  order 
to  explain  the  question,  but  had  the  misfortune  to 
be  unintelligible  likewise,  the  carman  damning  us 
for  a  lousy  Scotch  guard,  and  whipping  his  horses, 
with  a  "  Gee  ho ! "  which  nettled  me  to  the  quick, 
and  roused  the  indignation  of  Strap  so  far,  that, 
after  the  fellow  was  gone  a  good  way,  he  told  me  he 
would  fight  him  for  a  farthing.  While  we  were 
deliberating  upon  what  was  to  be  done,  an  hackney 
coachman,  driving  softly  along,  and  perceiving  us 
standing  by  the  kennel,  came  up  close  to  us,  and 
calling,  "  A  coach,  master ! "  by  a  dexterous  manage- 
ment of  the  reins,  made  his  horses  stumble  in  the 
wet,  and  bedaub  us  all  over  with  mud.  After  which 
exploit,  he  drove  on,  applauding  himself  with  a 
hearty  laugh,  in  which  several  people  joined,  to  my 
[119] 


RODERICK   RANDOM 

great  mortification ;  but  one,  more  compassionate 
than  the  rest,  seeing  us  strangers,  advised  me  to  go 
into  an  ale-house  and  dry  myself.  I  thanked  him 
for  his  advice,  which  I  immediately  complied  with ; 
and  going  into  the  house  he  pointed  out,  called  for  a 
pot  of  beer,  and  sat  down  by  a  fire  in  the  public 
room,  where  we  cleaned  ourselves  as  well  as  we 
could.  In  the  meantime,  a  wag,  who  sat  in  a  box, 
smoking  his  pipe,  understanding  by  our  dialect  that 
we  were  from  Scotland,  came  up  to  me,  and,  with 
a  grave  countenance,  asked  how  long  I  had  been 
caught?  As  I  did  not  know  the  meaning  of  this 
question,  I  made  no  answer ;  and  he  went  on,  saying, 
it  could  not  be  a  great  while,  for  my  tail  was  not  yet 
cut ;  at  the  same  time,  taking  hold  of  my  hair,  and 
tipping  the  wink  to  the  rest  of  the  company,  who 
seemed  highly  entertained  with  his  wit.  I  was 
incensed  at  this  usage,  but  afraid  of  resenting  it, 
because  I  happened  to  be  in  a  strange  place,  and 
perceived  the  person  who  spoke  to  me  was  a  brawny 
fellow,  for  whom  I  thought  myself  by  no  means  a 
match.  However,  Strap  having  either  more  courage, 
or  less  caution,  could  not  put  up  with  the  insults 
that  I  suffered ;  but  told  him,  in  a  peremptory  tone, 
"*  He  was  an  uncivil  fellow  for  making  so  free  with  his 
betters."  Then  the  wit,  going  towards  him,  asked 
him  what  he  had  got  in  his  knapsack  ?  "  Is  it  oat- 
meal, or  brimstone,  Sawney  ?  "  said  he,  seizing  h'm 
[120] 


QUARREL    IN    AN    ALEHOUSE 

by  the  chin,  which  he  shook,  to  the  inexpressible 
diversion  of  all  present.  My  companion,  feeling 
himself  assaulted  in  such  an  opprobrious  manner, 
disengaged  himself  in  a  trice,  and  lent  his  antagonist 
such  a  box  on  the  ear,  as  made  him  stagger  to  the 
other  side  of  the  room  ;  and,  in  a  moment,  a  ring  was 
formed  for  the  combatants.  ^Seeing  Strap  beginning 
to  strip,  and  my  blood  being  heated  with  indigna- 
tion, which  banished  all  other  thoughts,  I  undressed 
myself  to  the  skin  in  an  instant,  and  declared,  that 
as  the  affront  that  occasioned  the  quarrel  was  of- 
fered to  me,  I  would  fight  it  out  myself;  upon  which 
one  or  two  cried  out,  "  That 's  a  brave  Scotch  boy ; 
you  shall  have  fair  play,  by  G — d." 

This  assurance  gave  me  fresh  spirits,  and  going  up 
to  my  adversary,  who,  by  his  pale  countenance,  did 
not  seem  much  inclined  to  the  battle,  I  struck  him  so 
hard  on  the  stomach,  that  he  reeled  over  the  bench, 
and  fell  to  the  ground.  Then  I  attempted  to  keep 
him  down,  in  order  to  improve  my  success,  according 
to  the  manner  of  my  own  country,  but  was  restrained 
by  the  spectators,  one  of  whom  endeavoured  to  raise 
up  my  opponent,  but  in  vain ;  for  he  protested  he 
would  not  fight,  for  he  was  not  quite  recovered  of 
a  late  illness.  I  was  very  well  pleased  with  this 
excuse,  and  immediately  dressed  myself,  having  ac- 
quired the  good  opinion  of  the  company  for  my 
bravery,  as  well  as  of  my  comrade  Strap,  who  shook 
[121] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

me  by  the  hand,  and  wished  me  joy  of  the  victory. 
After  having  drunk  our  pot,  and  dried  our  clothes, 
we  inquired  of  the  landlord  if  he  knew  Mr.  Cringer, 
the  member  of  parliament,  and  were  amazed  at  his 
replying  in  the  negative ;  for  we  imagined,  he  must 
be  altogether  as  conspicuous  here,  as  in  the  borough 
he  represented;  but  he  told  us  we  might  possibly 
hear  of  him  as  we  passed  along.  We  betook  our- 
selves, therefore,  to  the  street,  where,  seeing  a  foot- 
man standing  at  a  door,  we  made  up  to  him,  and 
asked  if  he  knew  where  our  patron  lived?  This 
member  of  the  party-coloured  fraternity,  surveying 
us  both  very  minutely,  said  he  knew  Mr.  Cringer 
very  well,  and  bade  us  turn  down  the  first  street  on 
our  left,  then  turn  to  the  right,  and  then  to  the  left 
again,  after  which  perambulation  we  would  observe 
a  lane,  through  which  we  must  pass,  and  at  the  other 
end  we  should  find  an  alley  that  leads  to  another 
street,  where  we  should  see  the  sign  of  the  Thistle 
and  Three  Pedlars,  and  there  he  lodged. 

We  thanked  him  for  his  information,  and  went 
forwards,  Strap  telling  me,  that  he  knew  this  person 
to  be  an  honest  friendly  man,  by  his  countenance, 
before  he  opened  his  mouth;  in  which  opinion  I 
acquiesced,  ascribing  his  good  manners  to  the  com' 
pany  he  daily  saw  in  the  house  where  he  served. 
We  followed  his  directions  punctually,  in  turning 
to  the  left  and  to  the  right,  and  to  the  left  again ; 
[122] 


FIND    LODGINGS 

but,  instead  of  seeing  a  lane  before  us,  found  our- 
selves at  the  side  of  the  river,  a  circumstance  that 
perplexed  us  not  a  little;  and  my  fellow-traveller 
ventured  to  pronounce,  that  we  had  certainly  missed 
our  way.  By  this  time  we  were  pretty  much  fatigued 
with  our  walk,  and  not  knowing  how  to  proceed,  I 
went  into  a  small  snuff  shop  hard  by,  encouraged  by 
the  sign  of  the  Highlander,  where  I  found,  to  my 
inexpressible  satisfaction,  the  shopkeeper  was  my 
countryman.  He  was  no  sooner  informed  of  our 
peregrination,  and  the  directions  we  had  received 
from  the  footman,  than  he  informed  us,  we  had  been 
imposed  upon,  telling  us,  Mr.  Cringer  lived  in  the 
other  end  of  the  town ;  and  that  it  would  be  to 
no  purpose  for  us  to  go  thither  to-day,  for  by  that 
time  he  was  gone  to  the  House.  I  then  asked  if 
he  could  recommend  us  to  a  lodging.  He  readily 
gave  us  a  line  to  one  of  his  acquaintance,  who  kept 
a  chandler's  shop  not  far  from  St.  Martin's  Lane; 
there  we  hired  a  bedroom,  up  two  pair  of  stairs, 
at  the  rate  of  2s.  per  week,  so  very  small,  that,  wheru 
the  bed  was  let  down,  we  were  obliged  to  carry  out 
every  other  piece  of  furniture  that  belonged  to  the 
apartment,  and  use  the  bedstead  by  way  of  chairs. 
About  dinner  time,  our  landlord  asked  us  how  we 
proposed  to  live?  to  which  interrogation  we  an- 
swered, that  we  would  be  directed  by  him.  "  Well, 
then,"  says  he,  "  there  are  two  ways  of  eating  in  this 
[123] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

town,  for  people  of  your  condition  —  the  one  more 
creditable  and  expensive  than  the  other  ;  the  first  is, 
to  dine  at  an  eating-house,  frequented  by  well-dressed 
people  only ;  and  the  other  is  called  diving,  practised 
by  those  who  are  either  obliged  or  inclined  to  live 
frugally.1"  I  gave  him  to  understand,  that,  provided 
the  last  was  not  infamous,  it  would  suit  much  better 
with  our  circumstances  than  the  other.  "  Infamous," 
cried  he,  "God  forbid!  there  are  many  creditable 
people,  rich  people,  ay,  and  fine  people,  that  dive 
every  day.  I  have  seen  many  a  pretty  gentleman, 
with  a  laced  waistcoat,  dine  in  that  manner  very 
comfortably  for  threepence  halfpenny,  and  go  after- 
wards to  the  coffee-house,  where  he  made  a  figure 
with  the  best  lord  in  the  land  ;  but  your  own  eyes 
shall  bear  witness  —  I  will  go  along  with  you  to-day, 
and  introduce  you.""  He  accordingly  conducted  us 
to  a  certain  lane,  where  stopping,  he  bade  us  observe 
him,  and  do  as  he  did ;  and,  walking  a  few  paces, 
dived  into  a  cellar,  and  disappeared  in  an  instant. 

I  followed  his  exampla  and  descending  very  suc- 
cessfully, found  myself  in  the  middle  of  a  cook's 
shop,  almost  suffocated  with  the  steams  of  boiled 
beef,  and  surrounded  by  a  company  of  hackney 
coachmen,  chairmen,  draymen,  and  a  few  footmen 
out  of  place,  or  on  board  wages,  who  sat  eating 
shin  of  beef,  tripe,  cowheel,  or  sausages,  at  sepa- 
rate boards,  covered  with  cloths  which  turned  my 
[124] 


DIVING    FOR    A    DINNER 

stomach.  While  I  stood  in  amaze,  undetermined 
whether  to  sit  down  or  walk  upwards  again,  Strap, 
in  his  descent,  missing  one  of  the  steps,  tumbled 
headlong  into  this  infernal  ordinary,  and  overturned 
the  cook,  as  she  carried  a  porringer  of  soup  to  one 
of  the  guests.  In  her  fall,  she  dashed  the  whole 
mess  against  the  legs  of  a  drummer,  belonging  to 
the  foot-guards,  who  happened  to  be  in  her  way, 
and  scalded  him  so  miserably,  that  he  started  up, 
and  danced  up  and  down,  uttering  a  volley  of  exe- 
crations, that  made  my  hair  stand  on  end.  While 
he  entertained  the  company  in  this  manner,  with 
an  eloquence  peculiar  to  himself,  the  cook  got  up, 
and,  after  a  hearty  curse  on  the  poor  author  of  this 
mischance,  who  lay  under  the  table,  scratching  his 
rump  with  a  woeful  countenance,  emptied  a  saltcellar 
in  her  hand,  and  stripping  down  the  patient's  stock- 
ing, which  brought  the  skin  along  with  it,  applied 
the  contents  to  the  sore.  This  poultice  was  scarce 
laid  on,  when  the  drummer,  who  had  begun  to  abate 
of  his  exclamation,  broke  forth  into  such  a  hideous 
yell,  as  made  the  whole  company  tremble ;  then, 
seizing  a  pewter  pint  pot  that  stood  by  him,  squeezed 
the  sides  of  it  together,  as  if  it  had  been  made  of 
pliant  leather,  grinding  his  teeth  at  the  same  time 
with  a  most  horrible  grin.  Guessing  the  cause  of 
this  violent  transport,  I  bade  the  woman  wash  off 
the  salt,  and  bathe  the  part  with  oil,  which  she  did, 
[125] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  procured  him  immediate  ease.  But  here  another 
difficulty  occurred,  which  was  no  other  than  the 
landlady's  insisting  on  his  paying  for  the  pot  he  had 
rendered  useless.  He  swore  he  would  pay  for  noth- 
ing but  what  he  had  eaten,  and  bade  her  be  thank- 
ful for  his  moderation,  or  else  he  would  prosecute 
her  for  damages.  Strap,  foreseeing  the  whole  affair 
would  lie  at  his  door,  promised  to  satisfy  the  cook, 
and  called  for  a  dram  of  gin  to  treat  the  drummer, 
which  entirely  appeased  him,  and  composed  all  ani- 
mosities. After  this  accommodation,  our  landlord 
and  we  sat  down  at  a  board,  and  dined  upon  shin 
of  beef  most  deliciously ;  our  reckoning  amounting 
to  twopence  halfpenny  each,  bread  and  small  beer 
included. 


[126] 


CHAPTER    FOURTEEN 

WE  VISIT  STRAP'S  FRIEND  —  A  DESCRIPTION  OF  HIM  — 

HIS  ADVICE WE  GO  TO  MR.  CRINGER's  HOUSE 

ARE  DENIED  ADMITTANCE AN  ACCIDENT  BEFALLS 

STRAP HIS  BEHAVIOUR  THEREUPON AN  EXTRA- 
ORDINARY ADVENTURE  OCCURS,  IN  THE  COURSE  OF 
WHICH  I  LOSE  ALL  MY  MONEY. 

IN  the  afternoon  my  companion  proposed  to  call 
at  his  friend's  house,  which,  we  were  informed, 
was  in  the  neighbourhood ;  whither  we  accord- 
ingly went,  and  were  so  lucky  as  to  find  him  at 
home.   This  gentleman,  who  had  come  from  Scotland 
three  or  four  years  before,  kept  a  school  in  town, 
where  he  taught  the  Latin,  French,  and  Italian  lan- 
guages ;  but  what  he  chiefly  professed  was  the  pro- 
nunciation of  the  English  tongue,  after  a  method 
more  speedy  and  uncommon  than  any  practised  here- 
tofore ;  and,  indeed,  if  his  scholars  spoke  like  their 
master,  the  latter  part  of  his  undertaking  was  cer- 
tainly performed  to  a  tittle  ;  for,  although  I  could 
easily  understand  every  word  of  what  I  had  heard 
hitherto  since  I  entered  England,  three  parts  in  four 
of  his  dialect  were  as  unintelligible  to  me  as  if  he  had 
[127] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

spoken  in  Arabic  or  Irish.  He  was  a  middle-sized 
man,  and  stooped  very  much,  though  not  above  the 
age  of  forty;  his  face  frightfully  pitted  with  the 
smallpox,  and  his  mouth  extended  from  ear  to  ear. 
He  was  dressed  in  a  night-gown  of  plaid,  fastened 
about  his  middle  with  a  Serjeant's  old  sash,  and  a  tie 
periwig,  with  a  fore-top  three  inches  high,  in  the 
fashion  of  King  Charles  the  Second's  reign.  After 
he  had  received  Strap  (who  was  related  to  him)  very 
courteously,  he  inquired  of  him  who  I  was,  and,  being 
informed,  took  me  by  the  hand,  telling  me  he  was  at 
school  with  my  father.  When  he  understood  my 
situation,  he  assured  me  that  he  would  do  me  all  the 
service  in  his  power,  both  by  his  advice  and  otherwise ; 
and,  while  he  spoke  these  words,  eyed  me  with  great 
attention,  walking  round  me  several  times,  and  mut- 
tering, "  O  Ch— st !  O  Ch— st !  fat  a  saight  is  here ! " 
I  soon  guessed  the  reason  of  his  ejaculation,  and  said, 
"  I  suppose,  sir,  you  are  not  pleased  with  my  dress  ?  " 
"  Dress,"  answered  he ;  "  you  may  caal  it  fat  you 
please  in  your  country,  but  I  vaw  to  Gad,  't  is  a  mas- 
querade here.  No  Christian  will  admit  such  a  figure 
into  his  hawse.  Upon  my  conscience  !  I  wonder  the 
dogs  did  not  hunt  you.  Did  you  pass  through  St. 
James's  market  ?  God  bless  my  eye-saight !  you  look 
like  a  cousin-german  of  Ouran  Outang."  —  I  began 
to  be  a  little  serious  at  this  discourse,  and  asked  him 
if  he  thought  I  should  obtain  entrance  to-morrow  at 
\  [128] 


STRAP'S    FRIEND 

the  house  of  Mr.  Cringer,  on  whom  I  chiefly  depended 
for  an  introduction  into  business.  "  Mr.  Cringer,  Mr. 
Cringer,"  replied  he,  scratching  his  cheek,  "  may  be  a 
very  honest  gentleman  —  I  know  nothing  to  the  con- 
trary ;  but  is  your  sole  dependence  upon  him  ?  Who 
recommended  you  to  him  ?  "  I  pulled  out  Mr.  Crab's 
letter,  and  told  him  the  foundation  of  my  hopes; 
at  which  he  stared  at  me,  and  repeated,  "  Ch — st !  "  I 
began  to  conceive  bad  omens  from  this  behaviour  of 
his,  and  begged  he  would  assist  me  with  his  advice, 
which  he  promised  to  give  me  frankly;  and,  as  a 
specimen,  directed  us  to  a  periwig  warehouse  in  the 
neighbourhood,  in  order  to  be  accommodated ;  laying 
strong  injunctions  on  me  not  to  appear  before  Mr. 
Cringer  till  I  had  parted  with  these  carroty  locks, 
which  he  said  were  sufficient  to  beget  an  antipathy 
against  me  in  all  mankind.  And,  as  we  were  going  to 
pursue  this  advice,  he  called  me  back,  and  bade  me  be 
sure  to  deliver  my  letter  into  Mr.  Cringer's  own  hand. 
As  we  walked  along  Strap  triumphed  greatly  in  our 
reception  with  his  friend,  who,  it  seems,  had  assured 
him  he  would,  in  a  day  or  two,  provide  for  him  with 
some  good  master ;  and  "  Now,"  says  he,  "  you  shall 
see  how  I  shall  fit  you  with  a  wig.  There 's  ne'er  a 
barber  in  London,  and  that 's  a  bold  word,  can  palm 
a  rotten  caul,  or  a  pennyweight  of  dead  hair  upon 
me."  And,  indeed,  this  zealous  adherent  did  wrangle 
so  long  with  the  merchant  that  he  was  desired  twenty 

TOL.I.-9  [129] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

times  to  leave  the  shop,  and  see  if  he  could  get  one 
cheaper  elsewhere.  At  length  I  made  choice  of  a 
good  handsome  bob,  for  which  I  paid  ten  shillings, 
and  returned  to  our  lodging,  where  Strap  in  a 
moment  rid  me  of  that  hair  which  had  given  the 
schoolmaster  so  much  offence. 

We  got  up  next  day  betimes,  having  been  informed 
that  Mr.  Cringer  gave  audience  by  candle-light  to  all 
his  dependants,  he  himself  being  obliged  to  attend 
the  levee  of  my  Lord  Terrier  at  break  of  day  ;  be- 
cause his  lordship  made  one  at  the  minister's  between 
eight  and  nine  o'clock.  When  we  came  to  Mr.  Crin- 
ger's  door,  Strap,  to  give  me  an  instance  of  his 
politeness,  ran  to  the  knocker,  which  he  employed  so 
loud  and  so  long  that  he  alarmed  the  whole  street ; 
and  a  window  opening  in  the  second  storey  of  the 
next  house,  a  chamber-pot  was  discharged  upon  him 
so  successfully  that  the  poor  barber  was  wet  to  the 
skin,  while  I,  being  luckily  at  some  distance,  escaped 
the  unsavoury  deluge.  In  the  meantime  a  footman 
opening  the  door,  and  seeing  nobody  in  the  street 
but  us,  asked  with  a  stern  countenance  if  it  was  I  who 
made  such  a  d — ned  noise,  and  what  I  wanted  ?  I  told 
him  I  had  business  with  his  master,  whom  I  desired 
to  see.  Upon  which  he  clapped  the  door  in  my  face, 
telling  me  I  must  learn  better  manners  before  I  could 
have  access  to  his  master.  Vexed  at  this  disappoint- 
ment, I  turned  my  resentment  against  Strap,  whom  I 
[130] 


ENCOUNTER  WITH  A  STRANGER 

sharply  reprimanded  for  his  presumption  ;  but  he,  not 
in  the  least  regarding  what  I  said,  wrung  the  urine 
out  of  his  periwig,  and  lifting  up  a  large  stone,  flung 
it  with  such  force  against  the  street  door  of  that  house 
from  whence  he  had  been  bedewed, that  the  lock  giving 
way,  it  flew  wide  open,  and  he  took  to  his  heels,  leav- 
ing me  to  follow  him  as  I  could.  Indeed  there  was 
no  time  for  deliberation;  I  therefore  pursued  him 
with  all  the  speed  I  could  exert,  until  we  found  our- 
selves about  the  dawn  in  a  street  we  did  not  know. 
Here,  as  we  wandered  along  gaping  about,  a  very 
decent  sort  of  a  man  passing  by  me,  stopped  of  a  sud- 
den, and  took  up  something,  which  having  examined, 
he  turned  and  presented  it  to  me  with  these  words : 
"  Sir,  you  have  dropped  half  a  crown.""  I  was  not 
a  little  surprised  at  this  instance  of  honesty,  and 
told  him  it  did  not  belong  to  me ;  but  ne  bade  me 
recollect,  and  see  if  all  my  money  was  safe:  upon 
which  I  pulled  out  my  purse  (for  I  had  bought  one 
since  I  came  to  town),  and  reckoning  my  money 
in  my  hand,  which  was  now  reduced  to  five  guineas 
seven  shillings  and  twopence,  assured  him  I  had  lost 
nothing. 

"  Well,  then,"  says  he, "  so  much  the  better  —  this 
is  a  godsend ;  and,  as  you  two  were  present  when  I 
picked  it  up,  you  are  entitled  to  equal  shares  with 
me."  I  was  astonished  at  these  words,  and  looked 
upon  this  person  to  be  a  prodigy  of  integrity,  but 
[131] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

absolutely  refused  to  take  any  part  of  the  sum. 
"  Come,  gentlemen,1"  said  he,  "  you  are  too  modest 
—  I  see  you  are  strangers;  but  you  shall  give  me 
leave  to  treat  you  with  a  whet  this  cold  raw  morn- 
ing." I  would  have  declined  this  invitation,  but 
Strap  whispered  to  me  that  the  gentleman  would  be 
affronted,  and  I  complied.  "  Where  shall  we  go  ?  " 
said  the  stranger,  "  I  am  quite  ignorant  of  this  part 
of  the  town."  I  informed  him  that  we  were  in  the 
same  situation :  upon  which  he  proposed  to  go  into 
the  first  public-house  we  should  find  open ;  and,  as 
we  walked  together,  he  began  in  this  manner :  "  I 
find  by  your  tongues  you  are  from  Scotland,  gen- 
tlemen. My  grandmother  by  the  father's  side  was 
of  your  country ;  and  I  am  so  prepossessed  in  its 
favour  that  I  never  meet  a  Scotchman  but  my  heart 
warms.  The  Scots  are  a  very  brave  people.  There 
is  scarce  a  great  family  in  the  kingdom  that  cannot 
boast  of  some  exploits  performed  by  its  ancestors 
many  hundred  years  ago.  There 's  your  Douglasses, 
Gordons,  Campbells,  Hamiltons.  We  have  no  such 
ancient  families  here  in  England.  Then  you  are  all 
very  well  educated.  I  have  known  a  pedlar  talk  in 
Greek  and  Hebrew  as  well  as  if  they  had  been  his 
mother  tongue.  And,  for  honesty,  I  once  had  a  ser- 
vant, his  name  was  Gregory  Macgregor :  I  would  have 
trusted  him  with  untold  gold."  —  This  eulogium  on 
my  native  country  gained  my  affection  so  strongly 
[132] 


A    HAND    AT    WHIST 

that  I  believe  I  could  have  gone  to  death  to  serve 
the  author ;  and  Strap's  eyes  swam  in  tears. 

At  length,  as  we  passed  through  a  dark  narrow  lane, 
we  perceived  a  public-house,  which  we  entered,  and 
found  a  man  sitting  by  the  fire,  smoking  a  pipe,  with 
a  pint  of  purl  before  him.  Our  new  acquaintance  asked 
us  if  ever  we  had  drank  egg-flip  ?  To  which  ques- 
tion we  answering  in  the  negative,  he  assured  us  of  a 
regale,  and  ordered  a  quart  to  be  prepared,  calling 
for  pipes  and  tobacco  at  the  same  time.  We  found 
this  composition  very  palatable,  and  drank  heartily ; 
the  conversation,  which  was  introduced  by  the  gen- 
tleman, turning  upon  the  snares  that  young  unex- 
perienced people  are  exposed  to  in  this  metropolis. 
He  described  a  thousand  cheats  that  are  daily  prac- 
tised upon  the  ignorant  and  unwary ;  and  warned  us 
of  them  with  so  much  good  nature  and  concern,  that 
we  blessed  the  opportunity  which  threw  us  in  his 
way.  After  we  had  put  the  can  about  for  some 
time,  our  new  friend  began  to  yawn,  telling  us  he 
had  been  up  all  night  with  a  sick  person ;  and 
proposed  we  should  have  recourse  to  some  diver- 
sion to  keep  him  awake.  "  Suppose,"  said  he,  "  we 
should  take  a  hand  at  whist  for  pastime.  But  let 
me  see,  that  won't  do,  there 's  only  three  of  us ;  and  I 
cannot  play  at  any  other  game.  The  truth  is,  I  seldom 
or  never  play,  but  out  of  complaisance,  or  at  such  a 
time  as  this,  when  I  am  in  danger  of  falling  asleep." 
[133] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Although  I  was  not  much  inclined  to  gaming,  I  felt 
no  aversion  to  pass  an  hour  or  two  at  cards  with  a 
friend ;  and  knowing  that  Strap  understood  as  much 
of  the  matter  as  I,  made  no  scruple  of  saying,  "  I 
wish  we  could  find  a  fourth  hand."  While  we  were 
in  this  perplexity,  the  person  whom  we  found  in  the 
house  at  our  entrance  overhearing  our  discourse,  took 
the  pipe  from  his  mouth  very  gravely,  and  accosted 
us  thus  :  "  Gentlemen,  my  pipe  is  out,  you  see  (shak- 
ing the  ashes  into  the  fire),  and  rather  than  you 
should  be  balked,  I  donM;  care  if  I  take  a  hand  with 
you  for  a  trifle ;  but  remember  I  won't  play  for  any- 
thing of  consequence."  We  accepted  this  proffer  with 
pleasure. 

Having  cut  for  partners,  it  fell  to  my  lot  to  play 
with  him  against  our  friend  and  Strap,  for  three- 
pence a  game.  We  were  so  successful,  that,  in  a 
short  time,  I  was  half  a  crown  gainer;  when  the 
gentleman  whom  we  had  met  in  the  street  observing 
he  had  no  luck  to-day,  proposed  to  leave  off,  or 
change  partners.  By  this  time  I  was  inflamed  with 
my  good  fortune  and  the  expectation  of  improving 
it,  as  I  perceived  the  two  strangers  played  but  in- 
differently. Therefore,  I  voted  for  giving  him  his 
revenge;  and,  cutting  again,  Strap  and  I,  to  our 
mutual  satisfaction,  happened  to  be  partners.  My 
good  fortune  attended  me  still;  and  in  less  than  an 
hour  we  had  got  thirty  shillings  of  their  money ;  for, 
[134] 


A    HAND    AT    WHIST 

as  they  lost,  they  grew  the  keener,  and  doubled 
stakes  every  time.  At  last  the  inconstant  goddess 
began  to  veer  about ;  and  we  were  very  soon  stripped 
of  all  our  gains,  and  about  forty  shillings  of  our  own 
money.  This  loss  mortified  me  extremely,  and  had  a 
visible  effect  on  the  muscles  of  Strap's  face,  which 
lengthened  apace;  but  our  antagonists  perceiving 
our  condition,  kindly  permitted  us  to  retrieve  our 
loss,  and  console  ourselves  with  a  new  acquisition. 
Then  my  companion  wisely  suggested  it  was  time  to 
be  gone ;  upon  which  the  person  who  had  joined  us 
in  the  house  began  to  curse  the  cards,  and  muttered 
that  we  were  indebted  to  fortune  only  for  what  we 
had  got,  no  part  of  our  success  being  owing  to  our 
good  play.  This  insinuation  nettled  me  so  much, 
that  I  challenged  him  to  a  game  of  piquet  for  a 
crown ;  and  he  was  with  difficulty  persuaded  to 
accept  the  invitation.  This  contest  ended  in  less 
than  an  hour,  to  my  inexpressible  affliction,  who  lost 
every  shilling  of  my  own  money,  Strap  absolutely 
refusing  to  supply  me  with  a  sixpence. 

The  gentleman  at  whose  request  we  had  come  in, 
perceiving,  by  my  disconsolate  looks,  the  situation 
of  my  heart,  which  well-nigh  bursted  with  grief 
and  resentment,  when  the  other  stranger  got  up  and 
went  away  with  my  money,  began  in  this  manner : 
"  I  am  truly  afflicted  at  your  bad  luck,  and  would 
willingly  repair  it,  was  it  in  my  power.  But  what  in 
[135] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  name  of  goodness  could  provoke  you  to  tempt  your 
fate  so  long  ?  It  is  always  a  maxim  with  gamesters 
to  pursue  success  as  far  as  it  will  go,  and  to  stop 
whenever  fortune  shifts  about.  You  are  a  young 
man,  and  your  passions  too  impetuous;  you  must 
learn  to  govern  them  better.  However,  there  is  no 
experience  like  that  which  is  bought ;  you  will  be  the 
better  for  this  the  longest  day  you  have  to  live.  As 
for  the  fellow  who  has  got  your  money,  I  don't  half 
like  him.  Did  not  you  observe  me  tip  you  the  wink 
to  leave  off  in  time  ?  "  I  answered,  "  No.""  "  No," 
continued  he,  "  you  was  too  eager  to  mind  anything 
but  the  game.  But  harkee,"  said  he,  in  a  whisper, 
"  are  you  satisfied  of  that  young  man's  honesty  ?  his 
looks  are  a  little  suspicious;  but  I  may  be  mis- 
taken; he  made  a  great  many  grimaces  while  he 
stood  behind  you;  this  is  a  very  wicked  town."" 
I  told  him  I  was  very  well  convinced  of  my  com- 
rade's integrity,  and  that  the  grimaces  he  mentioned 
were  doubtless  owing  to  his  anxiety  at  my  loss. 
"  Oho  !  if  that  be  the  case,  I  ask  his  pardon.  Land- 
lord, see  what 's  to  pay."  —  The  reckoning  amounted 
to  eighteenpence,  which  having  discharged,  the  gen- 
tleman shook  us  both  by  the  hand,  and,  saying 
he  should  be  very  glad  to  see  us  again,  departed. 


[136] 


CHAPTER    FIFTEEN 

STRAP   MORALISES PRESENTS    HIS   PURSE    TO   ME WE 

INFORM    OUR   LANDLORD   OF   MY   MISFORTUNE HE 

UNRAVELS   THE    MYSTERY 1    PRESENT   MYSELF  TO 

CRINGER HE   RECOMMENDS  AND   TURNS    ME    OVER 

TO  MR.  STAYTAPE I  BECOME  ACQUAINTED  WITH  A 

FELLOW-DEPENDANT,    WHO    EXPLAINS  THE   CHARAC- 
TERS   OF   CRINGER   AND   STAYTAPE AND   INFORMS 

ME  OF  THE    METHOD  TO  BE  PURSUED   AT  THE   NAVY 
OFFICE  AND  SURGEONS'  HALL STRAP  IS  EMPLOYED. 

IN  our  way  to  our  lodging,  after  a  profound 
silence  on  both  sides,  Strap,  with  a  hideous 
groan,  observed,  that  we  had  brought  our  pigs 
to  a  fine  market.     To  this  observation  I  made 
no  reply ;  and  he  went  on,  "  God  send  us  well  out  of 
this  place ;  we  have  not  been  in  London  eight-and- 
forty  hours,  and  I  believe  we  have  met  with  eight-and- 
forty  thousand  misfortunes.  —  We  have  been  jeered, 
reproached,  buffeted,  pissed  upon,  and  at  last  stripped 
of  our  money ;  and  I  suppose  by  and  by  we  shall  be 
stripped  of  our  skins.  —  Indeed,  a»  to  the  money  part 
of  it,  that  was  owing  to  our  own  folly ;  Solomon  says, 
Bray  a  fool  in  a  mortar,  and  he  will  never  be  wise. 
Ah !     God  help  us,  an  ounce  of  prudence  is  worth  a 
[137] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

pound  of  gold.""  This  was  no  time  for  him  to  tamper 
with  my  disposition,  already  mad  with  my  loss,  and 
inflamed  with  resentment  against  him  for  having 
refused  me  a  little  money  to  attempt  to  retrieve  it. 
I  therefore  turned  towards  him  with  a  stern  counte- 
nance, and  asked,  who  he  called  fool  ?  Being  alto- 
gether unaccustomed  to  such  looks  from  me,  he  stood 
still,  and  stared  in  my  face  for  some  time  ;  then,  with 
some  confusion,  uttered,  "  Fool !  I  called  nobody  fool 
but  myself ;  I  am  sure  I  am  the  greatest  fool  of  the 
two,  for  being  so  much  concerned  at  other  people1* 
misfortunes  ;  but  nemo  omnibus  horis  sapit  —  that 's  all 
—  that's  all."  Upon  which  a  silence  ensued,  that 
brought  us  to  our  lodging,  where  I  threw  myself 
upon  the  bed  in  an  agony  of  despair,  resolved  to  per- 
ish rather  than  apply  to  my  companion,  or  any  other 
body,  for  relief;  but  Strap,  who  knew  my  temper, 
and  whose  heart  bled  within  him  at  my  distress,  after 
some  pause  came  to  the  bedside,  and,  putting  a  leath- 
ern purse  into  my  hand,  burst  into  tears,  crying,  "  I 
know  what  you  think;  but  I  scorn  your  thoughts. 
There 's  all  I  have  in  the  world  ;  take  it,  and  I  '11  per- 
haps get  more  for  you  before  that  be  done.  If  not, 
I  '11  beg  for  you,  steal  for  you,  go  through  the  wide 
world  with  you,  and  starve  with  you ;  for  though  I 
be  a  poor  cobbler's  son,  I  am  no  scout."  I  was  so 
touched  with  the  generous  passion  of  this  poor  crea- 
ture, that  I  could  not  refrain  from  weeping  also ;  and 
[138] 


THE    LANDLORD'S    ADVICE 

we  mingled  our  tears  together  for  some  time.  Upon 
examining  the  purse,  I  found  in  it  two  half  guineas 
and  half  a  crown,  which  I  would  have  returned  to  him, 
saying,  he  knew  better  than  I  how  to  manage  it ;  but 
he  absolutely  refused  my  proposal,  and  told  me,  it  was 
more  reasonable  and  decent  that  he  should  depend 
upon  me  who  was  a  gentleman,  than  that  I  should  be 
controlled  by  him. 

After  this  friendly  contest  was  over,  and  our  minds 
more  at  ease,  we  informed  our  landlord  of  what  had 
happened  to  us,  taking  care  to  conceal  the  extremity 
to  which  we  were  reduced.  He  no  sooner  heard  the 
story,  than  he  assured  us  we  had  been  grievously  im- 
posed upon  by  a  couple  of  sharpers,  who  were  associ- 
ates ;  and  that  this  polite,  honest,  friendly,  humane 
person,  who  had  treated  us  so  civilly,  was  no  other 
than  a  rascally  money-dropper,  who  made  it  his 
business  to  decoy  strangers  in  that  manner  to  one  of 
his  own  haunts,  where  an  accomplice  or  two  were 
always  waiting  to  assist  in  pillaging  the  prey  he  had 
run  down.  Here  the  good  man  recounted  a  great 
many  stories  of  people  who  had  been  seduced,  cheated, 
pilfered,  beat,  nay  even  murdered  by  such  villains. 
I  was  confounded  at  the  artifice  and  wickedness  of 
mankind  ;  and  Strap,  lifting  up  his  eyes  and  hands  to 
heaven,  prayed  that  God  would  deli ver  him  from  such 
scenes  of  iniquity  ;  for  surely  the  devil  had  set  up  his 
throne  in  London.  Our  landlord  being  curious  to 
[139] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

know  what  reception  we  had  met  with  at  Mr. 
Cringer's,  we  acquainted  him  with  the  particulars ; 
at  which  he  shook  his  head,  and  told  us,  we  had  not 
gone  the  right  way  to  work ;  that  there  was  nothing 
to  be  done  with  a  member  of  parliament  without  a 
bribe ;  that  the  servant  was  commonly  infected  with 
the  masters  disease,  and  expected  to  be  paid  for  his 
work,  as  well  as  his  betters.  He  therefore  advised 
me  to  give  the  footman  a  shilling  the  next  time  I 
should  desire  admittance  to  my  patron,  or  else  I  should 
scarce  find  an  opportunity  to  deliver  my  letter. 
Accordingly,  next  morning,  when  the  door  was 
opened,  I  slipped  a  shilling  into  his  hand,  and  told 
him  I  had  a  letter  for  his  master.  I  found  the  good 
effects  of  my  liberality ;  for  the  fellow  let  me  in 
immediately,  and  taking  the  letter  out  of  my  hand, 
desired  me  to  wait  in  a  kind  of  passage  for  an  answer. 
In  this  place  I  continued  standing  for  three  quarters 
of  an  hour,  during  which  time  I  saw  a  great  many 
young  fellows,  whom  I  formerly  knew  in  Scotland, 
pass  and  repass,  with  an  air  of  familiarity,  in  their 
way  to  and  from  the  audience  chamber  ;  while  I  was 
fain  to  stand  shivering  in  the  cold,  and  turn  my  back 
to  them,  that  they  might  not  perceive  the  lowness  of 
my  condition.  At  length  Mr.  Cringer  came  out  to 
see  a  young  gentleman  to  the  door,  who  was  no  other 
than  Squire  Gawky,  dressed  in  a  very  gay  suit  of 
clothes.  At  parting,  Mr.  Cringer  shook  him  by  the 
[140] 


MR.    CRINGER'S    LEVEE 

hand,  and  told  him  he  hoped  to  have  the  pleasure  of 
his  company  at  dinner  ;  then  turning  about  towards 
me,  asked  what  were  my  commands?  When  he 
understood  I  was  the  person  who  had  brought  the 
letter  from  Mr.  Crab,  he  affected  to  recollect  my 
name,  which,  however,  he  pretended  he  could  not  do, 
till  he  had  consulted  the  letter  again ;  to  save  him 
that  trouble,  I  told  him  my  name  was  Random. 
Upon  which  he  went  on,  "  Ay,  ay,  Random,  Random, 
Random  —  I  think  I  remember  the  name  " ;  and  very 
well  he  might,  for  this  very  individual  Mr.  Cringer 
had  many  a  time  rode  before  my  grandfather's  cloak- 
bag  in  quality  of  a  footman.  "  Well,"  says  he,  "  you 
propose  to  go  on  board  a  man  of  war,  as  surgeon's 
mate."  I  replied  by  a  low  bow.  "  I  believe  it  will  be 
a  difficult  matter,"  continued  he,  "  to  procure  a  war- 
rant, there  being  already  such  a  swarm  of  Scotch  sur- 
geons at  the  Navy  Office,  in  expectation  of  the  next 
vacancy,  that  the  commissioners  are  afraid  of  being 
torn  to  pieces,  and  have  actually  applied  for  a  guard 
to  protect  them.  However,  some  ships  will  soon  be 
put  in  commission,  and  then  we  shall  see  what 's  to 
be  done."  So  saying,  he  left  me  exceedingly  morti- 
fied at  the  different  reception  Mr.  Gawky  and  I  had 
met  with  from  this  upstart,  proud,  mean  member, 
who,  I  imagined,  would  have  been  glad  of  an  oppor- 
tunity to  be  grateful  for  the  obligations  he  owed  to 
my  family. 

[141] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

At  my  return,  I  was  surprised  with  the  agreeable 
news  of  Strap's  being  employed,  on  the  recommenda- 
tion of  his  friend  the  schoolmaster,  by  a  periwig, 
maker  in  the  neighbourhood,  who  allowed  him  five 
shillings  per  week,  besides  bed  and  board.  I  continued 
to  dance  attendance  every  other  morning  at  the  levee 
of  Mr.  Cringer,  during  a  fortnight,  in  which  time  I 
became  acquainted  with  a  young  fellow  of  my  own 
country  and  profession,  who  also  depended  on  the 
member's  interest ;  but  was  treated  with  much  more 
respect  than  I,  both  by  the  servants  and  master,  and 
often  admitted  into  a  parlour,  where  there  was  a  fire, 
for  the  convenience  of  the  better  sort  of  those  who 
waited  for  him.  Thither  I  was  never  permitted  to 
penetrate,  on  account  of  my  appearance,  which  was 
not  at  all  fashionable:  but  was  obliged  to  stand 
blowing  my  fingers  in  a  cold  lobby,  and  take  the  first 
opportunity  of  Mr.  Cringer's  going  to  the  door  to 
speak  with  him.  One  day,  while  I  enjoyed  this  oc- 
casion, a  person  was  introduced,  whom  Mr.  Cringer 
no  sooner  saw,  than,  running  towards  him,  he  saluted 
him  with  a  bow  to  the  very  ground,  and  afterwards 
shaking  him  by  the  hand  with  great  heartiness  and 
familiarity,  called  him  his  good  friend,  and  asked 
very  kindly  after  Mrs.  Staytape,  and  the  young  ladies ; 
then,  after  a  whisper  which  continued  some  minutes, 
wherein  I  overheard  the  word  honour  repeated  several 
times  with  great  emphasis,  Mr.  Cringer  introduced 
[142] 


A    NEW    ACQUAINTANCE 

• 

me  to  this  gentleman,  as  to  a  person  whose  advice 
and  assistance  I  might  depend  upon,  and  having 
given  me  his  direction,  followed  me  to  the  door, 
where  he  told  me  I  need  not  give  myself  the  trouble 
to  call  at  his  house  any  more,  for  Mr.  Staytape  would 
do  my  business.  At  that  instant  my  fellow-dependant 
coming  out  after  me,  overheard  the  discourse  of  Mr. 
Cringer,  and  making  up  to  me  in  the  street,  accosted 
me  very  civilly.  This  address  I  looked  upon  as  no 
small  honour,  considering  the  figure  he  made ;  for  he 
was  dressed  in  a  blue  frock  with  a  gold  button,  a 
green  silk  waistcoat  trimmed  with  gold,  black  velvet 
breeches,  white  silk  stockings,  silver  buckles,  a  gold- 
laced  hat,  a  Spencer  wig,  and  a  silver-hilted  hanger, 
with  a  fine  clouded  cane  in  his  hand. 

"I  perceive,"  says  he,  "you  are  but  lately  come 
from  Scotland;  pray  what  may  your  business  with 
Mr.  Cringer  be  ?  I  suppose  it  is  no  secret  —  and  I 
may  possibly  give  you  some  advice  that  may  be  ser- 
viceable ;  for  I  have  been  surgeon's  second  mate  on 
board  of  a  seventy-gun  ship,  and  consequently  know 
a  good  deal  of  the  world."  I  made  no  scruple  to  dis- 
close my  situation,  which  when  he  had  learned,  he 
shook  his  head,  and  told  me  he  had  been  pretty  much 
in  the  same  circumstances  about  a  year  ago ;  that  he 
had  relied  on  Cringer's  promises,  until  his  money 
(which  was  considerable),  as  well  as  his  credit,  was 
quite  exhausted ;  and  when  he  wrote  to  his  relations 
[  143  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

for  a  fresh  supply,  instead  of  money,  he  received 
nothing  but  reproaches,  and  the  epithets  of  "  idle," 
"debauched  fellow ":  that,  after  he  had  waited  at 
the  Navy  Office  many  months  for  a  warrant,  to  no 
purpose,  he  was  fain  to  pawn  some  of  his  clothes, 
which  raised  a  small  sum,  wherewith  he  bribed  the 
secretary,  who  soon  procured  a  warrant  for  him,  not- 
withstanding he  had  affirmed  the  same  day,  that 
there  was  not  one  vacancy:  that  he  had  gone  on 
board,  where  he  remained  nine  months ;  at  the  end 
of  which  the  ship  was  put  out  of  commission  ;  and 
he  said  the  company  were  to  be  paid  off  in  Broad 
Street  the  very  next  day :  that  his  relations,  being 
reconciled  to  him,  had  charged  him  to  pay  his  devoirs 
regularly  to  Mr.  Cringer,  who  had  informed  them  by 
letter  that  his  interest  alone  had  procured  the  war- 
rant ;  in  obedience  to  which  command,  he  came  to 
his  levee  every  morning  as  I  saw,  though  he  looked 
upon  him  to  be  a  very  pitiful  scoundrel.  In  conclu- 
sion, he  asked  me  if  I  had  yet  passed  at  Surgeons' 
Hall  ?  To  which  question  I  answered,  I  did  not  so 
much  as  know  it  was  necessary.  "  Necessary ! "  cried 
he,  "  O  Lord,  O  Lord !  I  find  I  must  instruct  you  — 
come  along  with  me,  and  1 11  give  you  some  infor- 
mation about  that  matter."  So  saying,  he  carried 
me  into  an  alehouse,  where  he  called  for  some  beer, 
and  bread  and  cheese,  on  which  we  breakfasted. 
While  we  sat  in  this  place,  he  told  me  I  must  first  go 


A    NEW    ACQUAINTANCE 

to  the  Navy  Office,  and  write  to  the  board,  desiring 
them  to  order  a  letter  for  me  to  the  Surgeons'  Hall, 
that  I  might  be  examined  touching  my  skill  in  sur- 
gery :  that  the  surgeons,  after  having  examined  me, 
would  give  me  my  qualification  sealed  up  in  form  of  a 
letter  directed  to  the  commissioners,  which  qualifica- 
tion I  must  deliver  to  the  secretary  of  the  board,  who 
would  open  it  in  my  presence,  and  read  the  contents. 
After  which  I  must  employ  my  interest  to  be  pro- 
vided for  as  soon  as  possible.  That  the  expense  of 
this  qualification,  for  second  mate  of  a  third-rate, 
amounted  to  thirteen  shillings,  exclusive  of  the  war- 
rant, which  cost  him  half  a  guinea  and  half  a  crown, 
besides  the  present  to  the  secretary,  which  consisted 
of  a  three-pound-twelve  piece. 

This  calculation  was  like  a  thunderbolt  to  me, 
whose  whole  fortune  did  not  amount  to  twelve  shil- 
lings. I  accordingly  made  him  acquainted  with  this 
part  of  my  distress,  after  having  thanked  him  for  his 
information  and  advice.  He  condoled  me  on  this 
occasion ;  but  bade  me  be  of  good  cheer,  for  he  had 
conceived  a  friendship  for  me,  and  would  make  all 
things  easy.  He  was  run  out  at  present,  but  to-morrow 
or  next  day  he  was  certain  of  receiving  a  considerable 
sum,  of  which  he  would  lend  me  what  would  be  suffi- 
cient to  answer  my  exigencies.  This  frank  declaration 
pleased  me  so  much,  that  I  pulled  out  my  purse,  and 
emptied  it  before  him,  begging  him  tp  take  what  he 
rot.  i.—  10  [145] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

pleased  for  pocket  expense,  until  he  should  receive 
his  own  money.  With  a  good  deal  of  pressing  he 
was  prevailed  upon  to  take  five  shillings,  telling  me 
that  he  might  have  what  money  he  wanted  at  any 
time  for  the  trouble  of  going  into  the  city ;  but  as 
he  had  met  with  me,  he  would  defer  his  going  thither 
till  to-morrow,  when  I  should  go  along  with  him, 
and  he  would  put  me  in  a  way  of  acting  for  myself, 
without  any  servile  dependence  on  that  rascal  Crin- 
ger,  much  less  on  the  lousy  tailor  to  whom  I  heard 
him  turn  you  over.  "  How,"  cried  I ;  "is  Mr.  Stay- 
tape  a  tailor  ?  "  "  No  less,  I  '11  assure  you,"  answered 
he ;  "  and,  I  confess,  more  likely  to  serve  you  than 
the  member;  for,  provided  you  can  entertain  him 
with  politics  and  conundrums,  you  may  have  credit 
with  him  for  as  many  and  as  rich  clothes  as  you 
please.  I  told  him,  I  was  utterly  ignorant  of  both, 
and  so  incensed  at  Cringer's  usage,  that  I  would  never 
set  foot  within  his  door  again.  After  a  good  deal 
more  conversation,  my  new  acquaintance  and  I  parted, 
having  made  an  appointment  to  meet  the  next  day  at 
the  same  place,  in  order  to  set  out  for  the  city.  I 
went  immediately  to  Strap,  and  related  everything 
which  had  happened ;  but  he  did  not  at  all  approve  of 
my  being  so  forward  to  lend  money  to  a  stranger, 
especially  as  we  had  already  been  so  much  imposed 
upon  by  appearances.  "  However,"  said  he,  "  if  you 
are  sure  he  is  a  Scotchman,  I  believe  you  are  safe." 
[  146  ] 


CHAPTER    SIXTEEN 

MY  NEW  ACQUAINTANCE  BREAKS  AN  APPOINTMENT  —  I 
PROCEED  BY  MYSELF  TO  THE  NAVY  OFFICE AD- 
DRESS MYSELF  TO  A  PERSON  THERE,  WHO  ASSISTS  ME 

WITH  HIS  ADVICE WRITE  TO   THE  BOARD THEY 

GRANT  ME  A  LETTER  TO  THE  SURGEONS  AT  THE  HALL 
AM  INFORMED  OF  THE  BEAUTS  NAME  AND  CHARAC- 
TER   FIND  HIM HE  MAKES  ME  HIS  CONFIDENT  IN 

AN  AMOUR DESIRES  ME  TO   PAWN  MY  LINEN,  FOR 

HIS    OCCASIONS 1  RECOVER  WHAT  I  LENT  HIM 

SOME  CURIOUS  OBSERVATIONS  OF  STRAP  ON  THAT 
OCCASION HIS  VANITY. 

IN  the  morning  I  rose  and  went  to  the  place  of 
rendezvous,  where  I  waited  two  hours  in  vain ; 
and  was  so  exasperated  against  him  for  break- 
ing his  appointment,  that  I  set  out  for  the 
city  by  myself,  in  hopes  of  finding  the  villain,  and 
being  revenged  on  him  for  his  breach  of  promise. 
At  length  I  found  myself  at  the  Navy  Office,  which 
I  entered,  and  saw  crowds  of  young  fellows  walking 
below,  many  of  whom  made  no  better  appearance 
than  myself.     I  consulted  the  physiognomy  of  each, 
and  at  last   made  up  to  one  whose  countenance  I 
liked ;   and  asked  if  he  could  instruct   me  in    the 
[147] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

form  of  the  letter  which  was  to  be  sent  to  the  board 
to  obtain  an  order  for  examination.  He  answered 
me  in  broad  Scotch,  that  he  would  show  me  the  copy 
of  what  he  had  writ  for  himself,  by  the  direction  of 
another  who  knew  the  form  ;  and  accordingly  pulled  it 
out  of  his  pocket  for  my  perusal ;  and  told  me  that, 
if  I  was  expeditious,  I  might  send  it  in  to  the  board 
before  dinner,  for  they  did  no  business  in  the  afternoon. 
He  then  went  with  me  to  a  coffee-house  hard  by, 
where  I  wrote  the  letter,  which  was  immediately 
delivered  to  the  messenger ;  who  told  me  I  might 
expect  an  order  to-morrow  about  the  same  time. 
Having  transacted  this  piece  of  business,  my  mind 
was  a  good  deal  composed;  and  as  I  met  with  so 
much  civility  from  this  stranger,  I  desired  further 
acquaintance  with  him,  fully  resolved,  however,  not 
to  be  deceived  by  him  so  much  to  my  prejudice  as  I 
had  been  by  the  beau.  He  agreed  to  dine  with  me 
at  the  cook's  shop  which  I  frequented  ;  and  on  our 
way  thither,  carried  me  to  'Change,  where  I  was  in 
some  hopes  of  finding  Mr.  Jackson  (for  that  was  the 
name  of  the  person  who  had  broke  his  appointment). 
I  sought  him  there  to  no  purpose,  and  on  our  way 
towards  the  other  end  of  the  town,  imparted  to  my 
companion  his  behaviour  towards  me.  Upon  which  * 
he  gave  me  to  understand,  that  he  was  no  stranger  to 
the  name  of  Beau  Jackson  (so  he  was  called  at  the 
Navy  Office),  although  he  did  not  know  him  person- 
[118] 


DIMINISHING    FUNDS 

ally ;  that  he  had  the  character  of  a  good-natured 
careless  fellow,  who  made  no  scruple  of  borrowing 
from  anybody  that  would  lend;  that  most  people 
who  knew  him  believed  he  had  a  good  principle  at 
bottom;  but  his  extravagance  was  such,  he  would 
probably  never  have  it  in  his  power  to  manifest  the 
honesty  of  his  intention.  This  account  made  me 
sweat  for  my  five  shillings,  which  I  nevertheless  did 
not  altogether  despair  of  recovering,  provided  I  could 
find  out  the  debtor.  This  young  man  likewise  added 
another  circumstance  of  Squire  Jackson's  history, 
which  was,  that  being  destitute  of  all  means  to  equip 
himself  for  sea,  when  he  received  his  last  warrant,  he 
had  been  recommended  to  a  person  who  lent  him  a 
little  money,  after  he  had  signed  a  will  and  power, 
entitling  that  person  to  lift  his  wages  when  they 
should  become  due,  as  also  to  inherit  his  effects  in 
case  of  his  death.  That  he  was  still  under  the  tutor- 
age and  direction  of  that  gentleman,  who  advanced 
him  small  sums  from  time  to  time  upon  his  security 
at  the  rate  of  50  per  cent.  But  at  present  his  credit 
was  very  low,  because  his  funds  would  do  little  more 
than  pay  what  he  had  already  received,  this  moderate 
interest  included.  After  the  stranger  (whose  name 
was  Thomson)  had  entertained  me  with  this  account 
of  Jackson,  he  informed  me  that  he  himself  had 
passed  for  third  mate  of  a  third-rate,  about  four 
months  ago ;  since  which  time,  he  had  constantly 
[149] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

attended  at  the  Navy  Office  in  hope  of  a  warrant, 
having  been  assured  from  the  beginning,  both  by  a 
Scotch  member  and  one  of  the  commissioners  to  vhom 
the  member  recommended  him,  that  he  should  be 
put  into  the  first  vacancy;  notwithstanding  which 
promise,  he  had  the  mortification  to  see  six  or  seven 
appointed  to  the  same  station  almost  every  week  :  that 
now,  being  utterly  impoverished,  his  sole  hope  con- 
sisted in  the  promise  of  a  friend  lately  come  to  town, 
to  lend  him  a  small  matter,  for  a  present  to  the  sec- 
retary, without  which  he  was  persuaded  he  might 
wait  a  thousand  years  to  no  purpose.  I  conceived  a 
mighty  liking  for  this  young  fellow,  which,  I  believe, 
proceeded  from  the  similitude  of  our  fortunes.  We 
spent  the  whole  day  together ;  and,  as  he  lived  at 
Wapping,  I  desired  him  to  take  a  share  of  my  bed. 

Next  day  we  returned  to  the  Navy  Office,  where, 
after  being  called  before  the  board,  and  questioned 
about  the  place  of  my  nativity  and  education,  they 
ordered  a  letter  to  be  made  out  for  me,  which,  upon 
paying  half  a  crown  to  the  clerk,  I  received,  and  de- 
livered into  the  hands  of  the  clerk  at  Surgeons'  Hall, 
together  with  a  shilling  for  his  trouble  in  registering 
my  name.  By  this  time  my  whole  stock  was  dimin- 
ished to  two  shillings,  and  I  saw  not  the  least  pros- 
pect of  relief,  even  for  present  subsistence,  much  less 
to  enable  me  to  pay  the  fees  at  Surgeons'  Hall  for  my 
examination,  which  would  come  on  in  a  fortnight. 
[150] 


DIMINISHING    FUNDS 

In  this  state  of  perplexity,  I  consulted  Strap,  who 
assured  me,  he  would  pawn  everything  he  had  in  the 
world,  even  to  his  razors,  before  I  should  want.  But 
this  expedient  I  absolutely  rejected,  telling  him,  I 
would  a  thousand  times  rather  list  for  a  soldier,  of 
which  I  had  some  thoughts,  than  be  any  longer  a 
burden  to  him.  At  the  word  soldier,  he  grew  pale 
as  death,  and  begged,  on  his  knees,  I  would  think  no 
more  of  that  scheme.  "  God  preserve  us  all  in  our 
right  wits ! "  cried  he,  "  would  you  turn  soldier,  and 
perhaps  be  sent  abroad  against  the  Spaniards,  where 
you  must  stand  and  be  shot  at  like  a  woodcock  ?  — 
Heaven  keep  cold  lead  out  of  my  carcass  !  and  let  me 
die  in  a  bed  like  a  Christian,  as  all  my  forefathers 
have  done.  What  signifies  all  the  riches  and  honours 
of  this  life,  if  one  enjoys  not  content  ?  And,  in  the 
next,  there  is  no  respect  of  persons.  Better  be  a  poor 
honest  barber  with  a  good  conscience,  and  time  to  re- 
pent of  my  sins  upon  my  deathbed,  than  be  cut  off 
(God  bless  us)  by  a  musket  shot,  as  it  were  in  the 
very  flower  of  one's  age,  in  the  pursuit  of  riches  and 
fame.  What  signify  riches,  my  dear  friend  ?  do  not 
they  make  unto  themselves  wings  ?  as  the  wise  man 
saith ;  and  does  not  Horace  observe,  Non  domus  etfun- 
dus,  non  ceris  acervus  et  auri,  JEgroto  domini  deduxit 
corpore  febres,  Non  animo  euros  ?  I  could  moreover 
mention  many  other  sayings  in  contempt  of  riches, 
both  from  the  Bible  and  other  good  books  ;  but,  as  I 
[151] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

know  you  are  not  very  fond  of  those  things,  I  shall 
only  assure  you  that,  if  you  take  on  to  be  a  soldier,  I 
will  do  the  same ;  and  then  if  we  should  both  be  slain, 
you  will  not  only  have  your  own  blood  to  answer 
for,  but  mine  also ;  and  perad venture  the  lives  of  all 
those  whom  we  shall  kill  in  battle.  Therefore,  I  pray 
you,  consider  whether  you  will  sit  down  contented 
with  small  things,  and  share  the  fruits  of  my  industry 
in  peace,  till  Providence  shall  send  better  tidings  ;  or, 
by  your  despair,  plunge  both  our  souls  and  bodies 
into  everlasting  perdition,  which  God  of  his  infinite 
mercy  forbid."  I  could  not  help  smiling  at  this  ha- 
rangue, which  was  delivered  with  great  earnestness, 
the  tears  standing  in  his  eyes  all  the  time ;  and  prom- 
ised to  do  nothing  of  that  sort  without  his  consent 
and  concurrence.  He  was  much  comforted  with  this 
declaration ;  and  told  me  in  a  few  days  he  should  re- 
ceive a  week's  wages,  which  should  be  at  my  service ; 
but  advised  me,  in  the  meantime,  to  go  in  quest  of 
Jackson,  and  recover,  if  possible,  what  he  had  bor- 
rowed of  me. 

I  accordingly  trudged  about  from  one  end  of  the 
town  to  the  other  for  several  days,  without  being  able 
to  learn  anything  certain  concerning  him  ;  and,  one 
day,  being  extremely  hungry,  and  allured  by  the 
steams  that  regaled  my  nostrils  from  a  boiling  cellar,  I 
went  down  with  an  intention  to  gratify  my  appetite 
with  twopenny  worth  of  beef;  when,  to  my  no  small 
[152] 


BEAU    JACKSON 

surprise,  I  found  Mr.  Jackson  sitting  at  dinner  with  a 
footman.  He  no  sooner  perceived  me  than  he  got  up 
and  shook  me  by  the  hand,  saying,  he  was  glad  to 
see  me,  for  he  intended  to  have  called  at  my  lodgings 
in  the  afternoon.  I  was  so  well  pleased  with  this  ren- 
contre, and  the  apologies  he  made  for  not  keeping  his 
appointment,  that  I  forgot  my  resentment,  and  sat 
down  to  dinner,  with  the  happy  expectation  of  not 
only  recovering  my  own  money  before  we  should  part, 
but  also  of  reaping  the  benefit  of  his  promise  to  lend 
me  wherewithal  to  pass  examination ;  and  this  hope 
my  sanguine  complexion  suggested,  though  the 
account  Thomson  gave  me  of  him  ought  to  have 
moderated  my  expectation.  When  we  had  feasted 
sumptuously,  he  took  his  leave  of  the  footman,  and 
adjourned  with  me  to  an  alehouse  hard  by,  where, 
after  shaking  me  by  the  hand  again,  he  began  thus : 
"  I  suppose  you  think  me  a  sad  dog,  Mr.  Random, 
and  I  do  confess  that  appearances  are  against  me. 
But  I  daresay  you  will  forgive  me,  when  I  tell  you, 
my  not  coming  at  the  time  appointed  was  owing  to 
a  peremptory  message  I  received  from  a  certain  lady, 
whom,  harkee,  (but  this  is  a  great  secret,)  I  am  to 
marry  very  soon.  You  think  this  strange,  perhaps, 
but  it  is  not  less  true  for  all  that  —  a  five  thou- 
sand pounder,  I  '11  assure  you,  besides  expectations. 
For  my  own  part,  devil  take  me  if  I  know  what 
any  woman  can  see  engaging  about  me  —  but  a 
[153] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

whim,  you  know  ;  and  then  one  would  not  balk  one's 
good  fortune.  You  saw  that  footman  who  dined 
with  us  —  he 's  one  of  the  honestest  fellows  that  ever 
wore  a  livery.  You  must  know,  it  was  by  his  means 
I  was  introduced  to  her,  for  he  made  me  first 
acquainted  with  her  woman,  who  is  his  mistress  ;  ay, 
many  a  crown  has  he  and  his  sweetheart  had  of  my 
money ;  but  what  of  that  ?  things  are  now  brought 
to  a  bearing.  I  have  —  come  a  little  this  way  —  I 
have  proposed  marriage,  and  the  day  is  fixed ;  she 's 
a  charming  creature ;  writes  like  an  angel.  O  Lord ! 
she  can  repeat  all  the  English  tragedies  as  well  as 
e'er  a  player  in  Drury  Lane !  and  indeed  is  so  fond  of 
plays,  that,  to  be  near  the  stage,  she  has  taken  lodgings 
in  a  court  hard  by  the  theatre.  But  you  shall  see  — 
you  shall  see  —  here 's  the  last  letter  she  sent  me."  — 
With  these  words,  he  put  into  my  hand,  and  I  read, 
to  the  best  of  my  remembrance,  as  follows  :  — 

"  DEER  KREETER,  —  As  you  are  the  animable  hopjack 
of  my  contemplayshins,  your  aydear  is  infernally  skim- 
ming before  my  keymerycal  fansee,  when  Murfy  sends 
his  puppies  to  the  heys  of  slipping  mortals ;  and  when 
Febus  shines  from  his  merrydying  throne.  Whereupon, 
I  shall  canseeif  old  whorie  time  has  lost  his  pinners,  as 
also  Cupid  his  harrows,  until  thou  enjoy  sweet  propose 
in  the  loafseek  harms  of  thy  faithfool  to  commend, 

CLAYRENDER." 

"  Wingar-yeard,  Droory-lane, 
January  12th." 

[154] 


JACKSON'S    AMOUR 

While  I  was  reading,  he  seemed  to  be  in  an  ecstasy, 
rubbing  his  hands,  and  bursting  out  into  fits  of 
laughter ;  at  last  he  caught  hold  of  my  hand,  and, 
squeezing  it,  cried,  "  There  is  style  for  you !  what  do 
you  think  of  this  billet-doux  ? "  I  answered,  "  Ifc 
might  be  sublime  for  aught  I  knew,  for  it  was  alto- 
gether above  my  comprehension."  —  "  Oho !  "  said 
he,  "  I  believe  it  is  both  tender  and  sublime  —  she 's 
a  divine  creature !  —  and  so  doats  upon  me  !  Let 
me  see,  what  shall  I  do  with  this  money,  when  I  have 
once  got  it  into  my  hands  ?  In  the  first  place,  I  shall 
do  for  you  —  I  'm  a  man  of  few  words ;  but,  say  no 
more,  that 's  determined  —  whether  would  you  advise 
me  to  purchase  some  post,  by  which  I  may  rise  in  the 
state ;  or  lay  out  my  wife's  fortune  in  land,  and 
retire  to  the  country  at  once  ?  "  —  I  gave  my  opinion 
without  hesitation,  that  he  could  not  do  better  than 
buy  an  estate  and  improve ;  especially  since  he  had 
already  seen  so  much  of  the  world.  Then  I  launched 
out  into  the  praises  of  a  country  life,  as  described  by 
the  poets  whose  works  I  had  read.  He  seemed  to 
relish  my  advice,  but  withal  told  me,  that,  although 
he  had  seen  a  great  deal  of  the  world,  both  by  land 
and  sea,  having  cruised  three  whole  months  in  the 
Channel,  yet  he  should  not  be  satisfied  until  he  had 
visited  France,  which  he  proposed  to  do  before  he 
should  settle ;  and  to  carry  his  wife  along  with  him. 

I  had  nothing  to  object  to  his  proposal ;  and 
[155] 


RODERICK  RANDOM 

asked  how  soon  he  hoped  to  be  happy  ?  "  As  to 
that,"  he  replied,  "  nothing  obstructs  my  happiness, 
but  the  want  of  a  little  ready  cash ;  for  you  must 
know,  my  friend  in  the  city  has  gone  out  of  town  for 
a  week  or  two ;  and  I  unfortunately  missed  my  pay  at 
Broad  Street,  by  being  detained  too  long  by  the  dear 
charmer ;  but  there  will  be  a  recall  at  Chatham  next 
week,  whither  the  ship's  books  are  sent,  and  I  have 
commissioned  a  friend  in  that  place  to  receive  the 
money."  "  If  that  be  all,"  said  I,  "  there 's  no  great 
harm  in  deferring  your  marriage  a  few  days."  — 
"  Yes,  faith !  but  there  is,"  said  he ;  "  you  don't  know 
how  many  rivals  I  have,  who  would  take  all  advan- 
tages against  me.  I  would  not  balk  the  impatience  of 
her  passion  for  the  world ;  the  least  appearance  of 
coldness  and  indifference  would  ruin  all :  and  such 
offers  don't  occur  every  day."  I  acquiesced  in  this 
observation,  and  inquired  how  he  intended  to  pro- 
ceed :  at  this  question,  he  rubbed  his  chin,  and  said, 
"  Why,  truly,  I  must  be  obliged  to  some  friend  or 
other  —  do  you  know  of  nobody  that  would  lend  me 
a  small  sum  for  a  day  or  two  ?  "  —  I  assured  him,  I 
was  such  an  utter  stranger  in  London,  that  I  did  not 
believe  I  could  borrow  a  guinea  if  my  life  depended 
upon  it.  "No!"  said  he,  "that's  hard  — that's 
hard.  I  wish  I  had  anything  to  pawn ;  upon  my  soul 
you  have  got  excellent  linen  (feeling  the  sleeve  of  my 
shirt)  ;  how  many  shirts  of  that  kind  have  you  got  ?  " 
[156] 


THE    THREE    BLUE    BALLS 

—  I  answered,  "  Six  ruffled  and  six  plain " ;  —  at 
which  he  testified  great  surprise,  and  swore  that  no 
gentleman  ought  to  have  more  than  four.  "  How 
many  d'  ye  think  I  have  got  ?  "  continued  he.  "  But 
this  and  another,  as  I  hope  to  be  saved  !  I  daresay 
we  shall  be  able  to  raise  a  good  sum  out  of  your 
superfluity  —  let  me  see  —  let  me  see  —  each  of  these 
shirts  is  worth  sixteen  shillings  at  a  moderate  compu- 
tation ;  now  suppose  we  pawn  them  for  half  price, 
eight  times  eight  is  sixty-four,  that 's  three  pounds 
four ;  zounds  !  that  will  do  ;  give  me  your  hand."  — 
"  Softly,  softly,  Mr.  Jackson,"  said  I,  "  don't  dispose 
of  my  linen  without  my  consent ;  first  pay  me  the 
crown  you  owe  me,  and  then  we  shall  talk  of  other 
matters."  He  protested  he  had  not  above  one  shil- 
ling in  his  pocket,  but  that  he  would  pay  me  out  of 
the  first  of  the  money  raised  from  the  shirts. 

This  piece  of  assurance  incensed  me  so  much,  that 
I  swore  I  would  not  part  with  him  until  I  had 
received  satisfaction  for  what  I  had  lent  him ;  and,  as 
for  the  shirts,  I  would  not  pawn  one  of  them  to  save 
him  from  the  gallows.  At  this  expression,  he  laughed 
aloud,  and  then  complained  it  was  d — n'd  hard,  that 
I  should  refuse  him  a  trifle  that  would  infallibly 
enable  him  not  only  to  make  his  own  fortune,  but 
mine  also.  "  You  talk  of  pawning  my  shirts,"  said  I, 
"  suppose  you  should  sell  this  hanger,  Mr.  Jackson  ? 
I  believe  it  would  fetch  a  good  round  sum."  —  **  No, 
[157] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

hang  it,"  said  he,  "  I  can't  appear  decently  without 
my  hanger,  or  egad  it  should  go."  However,  seeing 
me  inflexible  with  regard  to  my  linen,  he  at  length 
unbuckled  his  hanger,  and,  showing  me  the  sign  of 
the  three  blue  balls,  desired  me  to  carry  it  thither  and 
pawn  it  for  two  guineas.  This  office  I  would  by  no 
means  have  performed,  had  I  seen  any  likelihood  of 
having  my  money  otherwise  ;  but  not  willing,  out  of 
a  piece  of  false  delicacy,  to  neglect  the  only  opportu- 
nity I  should  perhaps  ever  have,  I  ventured  into  a 
pawnbroker's  shop,  where  I  demanded  two  guineas  on 
the  pledge  in  the  name  of  Thomas  Williams.  "  Two 
guineas ! "  said  the  pawnbroker,  looking  at  the  hanger  ; 
"  this  piece  of  goods  has  been  here  several  times  before 
for  thirty  shillings ;  however,  since  I  believe  the  gentle- 
man to  whom  it  belongs  will  redeem  it,  he  shall  have 
what  he  wants " ;  and  accordingly,  he  paid  me  the 
money,  which  I  carried  to  the  house  where  I  had 
left  Jackson,  and,  calling  for  change,  counted  out  to 
him  seven-and-thirty  shillings,  reserving  the  other 
five  for  myself. 

After  looking  at  the  money  some  time,  he  said : 
"  D — n  it !  it  don't  signify  —  this  won't  do  my  busi- 
ness ;  so  you  may  as  well  take  half  a  guinea,  or  a 
whole  one,  as  the  five  shillings  you  have  kept."  I 
thanked  him  kindly  ;  but  I  refused  to  accept  of  any 
more  than  was  my  due,  because  I  had  no  prospect 
of  repaying  it.  Upon  which  declaration,  he  stared  in 
[158] 


STRAP'S    OBSERVATIONS 

ny  face,  and  told  me,  I  was  excessively  raw,  or  I 
Jvould  not  talk  in  that  manner.  "  Blood,"  cried  he, 
"  I  have  a  very  bad  opinion  of  a  young  fellow  who 
won't  borrow  of  his  friend  when  he  is  in  want ;  't  is 
the  sign  of  a  sneaking  spirit.  Come,  come,  Random, 
give  me  back  the  five  shillings,  and  take  this  half- 
guinea,  and  if  ever  you  are  able  to  pay  me,  I  believe 
you  will ;  if  not,  d — n  me  if  ever  I  ask  it.11  When 
I  reflected  on  my  present  necessity,  I  suffered  myself 
to  be  persuaded ;  and,  after  making  my  acknowledg- 
ments to  Mr.  Jackson,  who  offered  to  treat  me  with 
a  play,  I  returned  to  my  lodgings  with  a  much  better 
opinion  of  this  gentleman  than  I  had  in  the  morn- 
ing ;  and  at  night  imparted  my  day's  adventures  to 
Strap,  who  rejoiced  at  the  good  luck,  saying,  "  I  told 
you,  if  he  was  a  Scotchman,  you  was  safe  enough ; 
and  who  knows  but  this  marriage  may  make  us  all  ? 
You  have  heard,  I  suppose,  as  how  a  countryman  of 
ours,  a  journeyman  baker,  ran  away  with  a  great 
lady  of  this  town,  and  now  keeps  his  coach.  Ecod ! 
I  say  nothing ;  but  yesterday  morning,  as  I  was 
a  shaving  a  gentleman  at  his  own  house,  there  was 
a  young  lady  in  the  room  —  a  fine  buxom  wench, 
i'  faith !  and  she  threw  so  many  sheep's  eyes  at  a 
certain  person  whom  I  shall  not  name,  that  my  heart 
went  knock,  knock,  knock,  like  a  fulling  mill,  and 
my  hand  sh — sh — shook  so  much  that  I  sliced  a  piece 
of  skin  off  the  gentleman's  nose.  Whereby  he  swore 
[159] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

a  deadly  oath,  and  was  going  to  horsewhip  me,  when 
she  prevented  him,  and  made  my  peace.  Omen  hand 
malum !  Is  not  a  journeyman  barber  as  good  as  a 
journeyman  baker  ?  The  only  difference  is,  the  baker 
uses  flour  for  the  belly,  and  the  barber  uses  it  for  the 
head.  And  as  the  head  is  a  more  noble  member 
than  the  belly,  so  is  a  barber  more  noble  than  a 
baker ;  for  what 's  the  belly  without  the  head  ?  Be- 
sides, I  am  told  he  could  neither  read  nor  write ;  now 
you  know  I  can  do  both,  and,  moreover,  speak 
Latin.  But  I  will  say  no  more,  for  I  despise  vanity ; 
nothing  is  more  vain  than  vanity."  With  these 
words  he  pulled  out  of  his  pocket  a  wax  candle's  end, 
which  he  applied  to  his  forehead ;  and,  upon  exam- 
ination, I  found  he  had  combed  his  own  hair  over 
the  toupee  of  his  wig,  and  was  indeed  in  his  whole 
dress  become  a  very  smart  shaver.  I  congratulated 
him  on  his  prospect  with  a  satirical  smile,  which  he 
understood  very  well ;  and,  shaking  his  head,  observed 
I  had  very  little  faith,  but  the  truth  would  come  to 
light  in  spite  of  my  incredulity. 


[160] 


CHAPTER    SEVENTEEN 

I  GO  TO  SURGEONS'  HALL,  WHERE  i  MEET  WITH  MR.  JACK- 
SON  AM    EXAMINED A    FIERCE    DISPUTE   ARISES 

BETWEEN  TWO    OF   THE    EXAMINERS JACKSON  DIS- 
GUISES HIMSELF  TO  ATTRACT  RESPECT IS  DETECTED 

IN  HAZARD  OF  BE*ING   SENT  TO  BRIDEWELL HE 

TREATS  US  AT  A  TAVERN CARRIES   US  TO  A   NIGHT 

HOUSE A  TROUBLESOME  ADVENTURE  THERE WE 

ARE  COMMITTED  TO  THE   ROUND   HOUSE CARRIED 

BEFORE  A  JUSTICE HIS  BEHAVIOUR. 

WITH   the  assistance    of   this    faithful 
adherent,  who  gave  me  almost  all  the 
money  he  earned,  I  preserved  my  half- 
guinea  entire  till  the  day  of  examina- 
tion, when  I  went  with  a  quaking  heart  to  Surgeons* 
Hall,  in  order  to  undergo  that  ceremony.     Among 
a  crowd  of  young  fellows  who  walked  in  the  outward 
hall,  I  perceived  Mr.  Jackson,  to  whom  I  immedi- 
ately went  up,  and  inquiring  into  the  state  of  his 
amour,   understood    it  was    still   undetermined   by 
reason  of  his  friend's  absence,  and  the  delay  of  the 
recall  at  Chatham,  which  put  it  out  of  his  power  to 
bring  it  to  a  conclusion.     I  then  asked  what  his 
business  was    in   this    place?   he  replied,  he    was 
YOL.  i.  — 11  [161] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

resolved  to  have  two  strings  to  his  bow,  that  in  case 
the  one  failed  he  might  use  the  other;  and,  with 
this  view,  he  was  to  pass  that  night  for  a  higher 
qualification.  At  that  instant  a  young  fellow  came 
out  from  the  place  of  examination  with  a  pale  coun- 
tenance, his  lip  quivering,  and  his  looks  as  wild  as 
if  he  had  seen  a  ghost.  He  no  sooner  appeared, 
than  we  all  flocked  about  him  with  the  utmost 
eagerness  to  know  what  reception  he  had  met  with; 
which,  after  some  pause,  he  described,  recounting  all 
the  questions  they  had  asked,  with  the  answers  he 
made.  In  this  manner,  we  obliged  no  less  than 
twelve  to  recapitulate,  which,  now  the  danger  was 
past,  they  did  with  pleasure,  before  it  fell  to  my 
lot :  at  length  the  beadle  called  my  name,  with  a 
voice  that  made  me  tremble  as  much  as  if  it  had 
been  the  sound  of  the  last  trumpet :  however,  there 
was  no  remedy :  I  was  conducted  into  a  large  hall, 
where  I  saw  about  a  dozen  of  grim  faces  sitting  at  a 
long  table  ;  one  of  whom  bade  me  come  forward,  in 
such  an  imperious  tone  that  I  was  actually  for  a 
minute  or  two  bereft  of  my  senses.  The  first  ques- 
tion he  put  to  me  was,  "  Where  was  you  born  ?  ** 
To  which  I  answered,  "  In  Scotland."  —  "  In  Scot- 
land," said  he ;  "I  know  that  very  well ;  we  have 
scarce  any  other  countrymen  to  examine  here ;  you 
Scotchmen  have  overspread  us  of  late  as  the  locusts 
did  Egypt :  I  ask  you  in  what  part  of  Scotland  was 


A    BOARD    OF   EXAMINERS 

you  born  ?  "  I  named  the  place  of  my  nativity,  which 
he  had  never  before  heard  of :  he  then  proceeded  to 
interrogate  me  about  my  age,  the  town  where  I 
served  my  time,  with  the  term  of  my  apprenticeship ; 
and  when  I  informed  him  that  I  served  three  years 
only,  he  fell  into  a  violent  passion ;  swore  it  was  a 
shame  and  a  scandal  to  send  such  raw  boys  into  the 
world  as  surgeons ;  that  it  was  a  great  presumption 
in  me,  and  an  affront  upon  the  English,  to  pretend 
to  sufficient  skill  in  my  business,  having  served  so 
short  a  time,  when  every  apprentice  in  England  was 
bound  seven  years  at  least ;  that  my  friends  would 
have  done  better  if  they  had  made  me  a  weaver  or 
shoemaker,  but  their  pride  would  have  me  a  gentle- 
man, he  supposed,  at  any  rate,  and  their  poverty 
could  not  afford  the  necessary  education. 

This  exordium  did  not  at  all  contribute  to  the 
recovery  of  my  spirits,  but,  on  the  contrary,  reduced 
me  to  such  a  situation  that  I  was  scarce  able  to 
stand ;  which  being  perceived  by  a  plump  gentleman 
who  sat  opposite  to  me,  with  a  skull  before  him,  he 
said,  Mr.  Snarler  was  too  severe  upon  the  young 
man ;  and,  turning  towards  me,  told  me,  I  need  not 
to  be  afraid,  for  nobody  would  do  me  any  harm ; 
then  bidding  me  take  time  to  recollect  myself,  he 
examined  me  touching  the  operation  of  the  trepan, 
and  was  very  well  satisfied  with  my  answers.  The 
next  person  who  questioned  me  was  a  wag,  who 
[163] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

began  by  asking  if  I  had  ever  seen  amputation  per- 
formed ;  and  I  replying  in  the  affirmative,  he  shook 
his  head,  and  said,  "  What !  upon  a  dead  subject,  I 
suppose  ?  "  "  If,"  continued  he,  "  during  an  engage- 
ment at  sea,  a  man  should  be  brought  to  you  with 
his  head  shot  off,  how  would  you  behave  ?  "  After 
some  hesitation,  I  owned  such  a  case  had  never  come 
under  my  observation,  neither  did  I  remember  to 
have  seen  any  method  of  cure  proposed  for  such  an 
accident,  in  any  of  the  systems  of  surgery  I  had 
perused.  Whether  it  was  owing  to  the  simplicity 
of  my  answer,  or  the  archness  of  the  question,  I 
know  not,  but  every  member  of  the  board  deigned 
to  smile,  except  Mr.  Snarler,  who  seemed  to  have 
very  little  of  the  animal  risibile  in  his  constitution. 
The  facetious  member,  encouraged  by  the  success  of 
his  last  joke,  went  on  thus :  "  Suppose  you  was 
called  to  a  patient  of  a  plethoric  habit,  who  had 
been  bruised  by  a  fall,  what  would  you  do?"  I 
answered,  I  would  bleed  him  immediately.  "  What," 
said  he,  "  before  you  had  tied  up  his  arm  ?  "  But 
this  stroke  of  wit  not  answering  his  expectation,  he 
desired  me  to  advance  to  the  gentleman  who  sat 
next  him;  and  who,  with  a  pert  air,  asked  what 
method  of  cure  I  would  follow  in  wounds  of  the 
intestines.  I  repeated  the  method  of  cure  as  it  is 
prescribed  by  the  best  chirurgical  writers ;  which  he 
heard  to  an  end,  and  then  said,  with  a  supercilious 
[164] 


A  BOARD    OF    EXAMINERS 

smile,  "  So  you  think  by  such  treatment  the  patient 
might  recover  ?"  I  told  him  I  saw  nothing  to  make 
me  think  otherwise.  "  That  may  be,"  resumed  he, 
"  I  won't  answer  for  your  foresight ;  but  did  you 
ever  know  a  case  of  this  kind  succeed  " ;  I  answered 
I  did  not ;  and  was  about  to  tell  him  I  had  never 
seen  a  wounded  intestine ;  but  he  stopped  me,  by 
saying,  with  some  precipitation,  "  Nor  never  will. 
I  affirm,  that  all  wounds  of  the  intestines,  whether 
great  or  small,  are  mortal."  —  "  Pardon  me,  brother," 
says  the  fat  gentleman,  "  there  is  very  good  author- 
ity." —  Here  he  was  interrupted  by  the  other,  with 
"  Sir,  excuse  me,  I  despise  all  authority.  Nullius  in 
verba.  I  stand  upon  my  own  bottom.1"  —  "  But,  sir, 
sir,"  replied  his  antagonist,  "  the  reason  of  the  thing 
shows."  — "  A  fig  for  reason,"  cried  this  sufficient 
member,  "  I  laugh  at  reason  ;  give  me  ocular  demon- 
stration." The  corpulent  gentleman  began  to  wax 
warm,  and  observed,  that  no  man  acquainted  with 
the  anatomy  of  the  parts  would  advance  such  an 
extravagant  assertion.  This  innuendo  enraged  the 
other  so  much  that  he  started  up,  and  in  a  furious 
tone,  exclaimed,  "  What,  sir !  do  you  question  my 
knowledge  in  anatomy  ?  "  By  this  time,  all  the  ex- 
aminers had  espoused  the  opinion  of  one  or  other  of 
the  disputants,  and  raised  their  voices  all  together, 
when  the  chairman  commanded  silence,  and  ordered 
me  to  withdraw.  In  less  than  a  quarter  of  an  hour 
[165] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

I  was  called  in    again,  received    my  qualification 
sealed  up,  and  was  ordered  to  pay  five  shillings. 

I  laid  down  my  half-guinea  upon  the  table,  and 
stood  some  time,  until  one  of  them  bade  me  begone ; 
to  this  I  replied,  "I  will,  when  I  have  got  my 
change  " ;  upon  which  another  threw  me  five  shillings 
and  sixpence,  saying,  I  should  not  be  a  true  Scotch- 
man if  I  went  away  without  my  change.  I  was  after- 
wards obliged  to  give  three  shillings  and  sixpence  to 
the  beadles,  and  a  shilling  to  an  old  woman  who 
swept  the  hall.  This  disbursement  sunk  my  finances 
to  thirteenpence  halfpenny,  with  which  I  was  sneak- 
ing off,  when  Jackson  perceiving  it,  came  up  to  me, 
and  begged  I  would  tarry  for  him,  and  he  would 
accompany  me  to  the  other  end  of  the  town,  as  soon 
as  his  examination  should  be  over.  I  could  not  refuse 
this  to  a  person  that  was  so  much  my  friend  ;  but  I 
was  astonished  at  the  change  of  his  dress,  which  was 
varied  in  half  an  hour  from  what  I  have  already  de- 
scribed, to  a  very  grotesque  fashion.  His  head  was 
covered  with  an  old  smoked  tie  wig  that  did  not 
boast  one  crooked  hair,  and  a  slouched  hat  over  it, 
which  would  have  very  well  become  a  chimney- 
sweeper or  a  dustman  ;  his  neck  was  adorned  with  a 
black  crape,  the  ends  of  which  he  had  twisted,  and 
fixed  in  the  button-hole  of  a  shabby  great-coat  that 
wrapped  up  his  whole  body  ;  his  white  silk  stockings 
were  converted  into  black  worsted  hose;  and  his 
[166] 


JACKSON'S    DISGUISE 

countenance  was  rendered  venerable  by  wrinkles,  and 
a  beard  of  his  own  painting. 

When  I  expressed  my  surprise  at  this  metamor- 
phosis, he  laughed,  and  told  me,  it  was  done  by  the 
advice  and  assistance  of  a  friend  who  lived  over  the 
way,  and  would  certainly  produce  something  very 
much  to  his  advantage  ;  for  it  gave  him  the  appear- 
ance of  age,  which  never  fails  of  attracting  respect. 
I  applauded  his  sagacity,  and  waited  with  impatience 
for  the  effects  of  it.  At  length  he  was  called  in,  but 
whether  the  oddness  of  his  appearance  excited  a  cur- 
iosity more  than  usual  in  the  board,  or  his  behaviour 
was  not  suitable  to  his  figure,  I  know  not ;  he  was 
discovered  to  be  an  impostor,  and  put  into  the  hands 
of  the  beadle,  in  order  to  be  sent  to  Bridewell.  So 
that  instead  of  seeing  him  come  out  with  a  cheerful 
countenance,  and  a  surgeon's  qualification  in  his 
hand,  I  perceived  him  led  through  the  outward  hall 
as  a  prisoner,  and  was  very  much  alarmed  and  an- 
xious to  know  the  occasion ;  when  he  called  with  a 
lamentable  voice  and  piteous  aspect  to  me,  and  some 
others  who  knew  him,  "  For  God's  sake,  gentlemen, 
bear  witness  that  I  am  the  same  individual  John 
Jackson,  who  served  as  surgeon's  second  mate  on 
board  the  Elizabeth,  or  else  I  shall  go  to  Bridewell." 
It  would  have  been  impossible  for  the  most  austere 
hermit  that  ever  lived  to  have  refrained  from  laugh- 
ing at  his  appearance  and  address;  we  therefore 
[167] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

indulged  ourselves  a  good  while  at  his  expense,  and 
afterwards  pleaded  his  cause  so  effectually  with  the 
beadle,  who  was  gratified  with  half  a  crown,  that 
the  prisoner  was  dismissed,  and,  in  a  few  moments,- 
resumed  his  former  gaiety ;  swearing,  since  the  board 
had  refused  his  money,  he  would  spend  it  every  shil- 
ling before  he  went  to  bed  in  treating  his  friends  ;  at 
the  same  time  inviting  us  all  to  favour  him  with  our 
company.  It  was  now  ten  o'clock  at  night,  and  as  I 
had  a  great  way  to  walk,  through  streets  that  were 
utterly  unknown  to  me,  I  was  prevailed  upon  to  be 
of  their  party,  in  hopes  he  would  afterwards  accom- 
pany me  to  my  lodgings,  according  to  his  promise. 

He  conducted  us  to  his  friend's  house,  who  kept  a 
tavern  over  the  way,  where  we  continued  drinking 
punch,  until  the  liquor  mounted  up  to  our  heads,  and 
made  us  all  extremely  frolicsome  :  I  in  particular  was 
so  much  elevated,  that  nothing  would  serve  me  but  a 
wench,  at  which  demand  Jackson  expressed  much  joy, 
and  assured  me  I  should  have  my  desire  before  we 
parted.  Accordingly,  when  we  had  paid  the  reckon- 
ing, we  sallied  out,  roaring  and  singing;  and  were 
conducted  by  our  leader  to  a  place  of  nocturnal 
entertainment,  where  I  immediately  attached  myself 
to  a  fair  one,  with  whom  I  proposed  to  spend  the 
remaining  part  of  the  night ;  but  she  not  relishing 
my  appearance,  refused  to  grant  my  request  before  I 
should  have  made  her  an  acknowledgment ;  which 
[168] 


ADVENTURE    AT    A    NIGHT    HOUSE 

not  suiting  with  my  circumstances,  we  broke  off  our 
correspondence,  to  my  no  small  mortification  and 
resentment,  because  I  thought  the  mercenary  creature 
had  not  done  justice  to  my  merit.  In  the  meantime, 
Mr.  Jackson's  dress  had  attracted  the  inclinations 
and  assiduities  of  two  or  three  nymphs,  who  loaded 
him  with  caresses,  in  return  for  the  arrack  punch  with 
which  he  treated  them ;  till  at  length,  notwithstanding 
the  sprightly  sallies  of  those  charmers,  sleep  began 
to  exert  his  power  over  us  all;  and  our  conductor 
called,  "To  pay."  When  the  bill  was  brought, 
which  amounted  to  twelve  shillings,  he  put  his  hand 
in  his  pocket,  but  might  have  saved  himself  the 
trouble,  for  his  purse  was  gone.  This  accident  dis- 
concerted him  a  great  deal  at  first ;  but,  after  some 
recollection,  he  seized  the  two  Dulcineas  who  sat  by 
him,  one  in  each  hand,  and  swore,  if  they  did  not 
immediately  restore  his  money,  he  would  charge  a 
constable  with  them. 

The  good  lady  at  the  bar,  seeing  what  had  passed, 
whispered  something  to  the  drawer,  who  went  out ; 
and  then,  with  great  composure,  asked  what  was  the 
matter?  Jackson  told  her  he  was  robbed,  and  swore, 
if  she  refused  him  satisfaction,  he  would  have  her  and 
her  whores  committed  to  Bridewell.  "Robbed," 
cried  she,  "  robbed  in  my  house !  Gentlemen  and 
ladies,  I  take  you  all  to  witness,  this  person  has 
scandalised  my  reputation.11  At  that  instant  seeing  the 
[169] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

constable  and  watch  enter,  she  proceeded,  "  What  1 
you  must  not  only  endeavour  by  your  false  aspersions 
to  ruin  my  character,  but  even  commit  an  assault 
upon  my  family !  Mr.  Constable,  I  charge  you  with 
this  uncivil  person,  who  has  been  guilty  of  a  riot 
here ;  I  shall  take  care  and  bring  an  action  against 
him  for  defamation."  While  I  was  reflecting  on  this 
melancholy  event,  which  had  made  me  quite  sober, 
the  lady  whose  favours  I  had  solicited,  being  piqued 
at  some  repartee  that  passed  between  us,  cried, 
"  They  are  all  concerned  " ;  and  desired  the  constable 
to  take  us  all  into  custody ;  an  arrest  which  was  per- 
formed instantly,  to  the  utter  astonishment  and  des- 
pair of  us  all,  except  Jackson,  who  having  been  often  in 
such  scrapes,  was  very  little  concerned,  and  charged 
the  constable  in  his  turn  with  the  landlady  and  her 
whole  bevy  :  upon  which  we  were  carried  all  together 
prisoners  to  the  Round  House ;  where  Jackson,  after 
a  word  of  comfort  to  us,  informed  the  constable  of 
his  being  robbed,  to  which  he  said  he  would  swear 
next  morning  before  the  justice.  "  Ay,  ay,"  says  the 
bawd,  "  we  shall  see  whose  oath  will  most  signify." 
In  a  little  time,  the  constable,  calling  Jackson  into 
another  room,  spoke  to  him  thus :  "  I  perceive  that 
you  and  your  company  are  strangers,  and  am  very 
sorry  for  your  being  involved  in  such  an  ugly  busi- 
ness. I  have  known  this  woman  a  great  while  ;  she 
has  kept  a  notorious  house  in  the  neighbourhood 
[170] 


TAKEN    BEFORE    A    JUSTICE 

this  many  years,  and,  although  often  complained  of 
as  a  nuisance,  still  escapes,  through  her  interest  with 
the  justices,  to  whom  she,  and  all  of  her  employment, 
pay  contribution  quarterly  for  protection.  As  she 
charged  me  with  you  first,  her  complaint  will  have 
the  preference;  and  she  can  procure  evidence  to 
swear  whatever  she  shall  please  to  desire  of  them. 
So  that  unless  you  can  make  it  up  before  morning, 
you  and  your  companions  may  think  yourselves 
happily  quit  for  a  month's  hard  labour  in  Bridewell. 
Nay,  if  she  should  swear  a  robbery  or  assault  against 
you,  you  will  be  committed  to  Newgate,  and  tried 
next  sessions  at  the  Old  Bailey  for  your  life."  This 
last  piece  of  information  had  such  an  effect  upon 
Jackson,  that  he  agreed  to  make  it  up,  provided  his 
money  might  be  restored.  The  constable  told  him, 
that,  instead  of  retrieving  what  he  had  lost,  he  was 
pretty  certain  it  would  cost  him  some  more  before 
they  would  come  to  any  composition.  But,  however, 
he  had  compassion  on  him,  and  would,  if  he  pleased, 
sound  them  about  a  mutual  release.  The  unfortu- 
nate beau  thanked  him  for  his  friendship,  and  return- 
ing to  us,  acquainted  us  with  the  substance  of  this 
dialogue;  while  the  constable,  desiring  to  speak  in 
private  with  our  adversary,  carried  her  into  the  next 
room,  and  pleaded  our  cause  so  effectually,  that  she 
condescended  to  make  him  umpire :  he  accordingly 
proposed  an  arbitration,  to  which  we  gave  our  assent ; 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

and  he  fined  each  party  in  three  shillings,  to  be  laid 
out  in  a  bowl  of  punch,  wherein  we  drowned  all 
animosities,  to  the  inexpressible  joy  of  my  two  late 
acquaintances  and  me,  who  had  been  in  the  state  of 
the  damned  ever  since  Jackson  mentioned  Bridewell 
and  Newgate.  By  the  time  we  had  finished  our 
bowl,  to  which,  by  the  by,  I  had  contributed  my  last 
shilling,  it  was  morning;  and  I  proposed  to  move 
homeward,  when  the  constable  gave  me  to  under- 
stand, he  could  discharge  no  prisoners,  but  by  order 
of  the  justice,  before  whom  we  must  appear.  This 
renewed  my  chagrin;  and  I  cursed  the  hour  in  which 
I  had  yielded  to  Jackson's  invitation.  About  nine 
o'clock  we  were  escorted  to  the  house  of  a  certain 
justice,  not  many  miles  distant  from  Covent  Garden ; 
who  no  sooner  saw  the  constable  enter  with  a  train 
of  prisoners  at  his  heels,  than  he  saluted  him  as 
follows :  "  So,  Mr.  Constable,  you  are  a  diligent  man  — 
What  den  of  rogues  have  you  been  scouring  ?  "  Then 
looking  at  us,  who  appeared  very  much  dejected,  he 
continued,  "  Ay,  ay,  thieves,  I  see  —  old  offenders  — 
O  your  humble  servant,  Mrs.  Harridan!  I  suppose 
these  fellows  have  been  taken  robbing  your  house  — 
yes,  yes,  here's  an  old  acquaintance  of  mine  —  you 
have  used  expedition,"  said  he  to  me,  "  in  returning 
from  transportation ;  but  we  shall  save  you  the 
trouble  for  the  future  —  the  surgeons  will  fetch  you 
from  your  next  transportation  at  their  expense."  I 
[172] 


TAKEN    BEFORE    A    JUSTICE 

assured  his  worship  he  was  mistaken  in  me,  for  he 
had  never  seen  me  in  his  life  before.  To  this  decla- 
ration he  replied,  "  How  !  you  impudent  rascal,  dare 
you  say  so  to  my  face  ?  Do  you  think  I  am  to  be 
imposed  upon  by  that  northern  accent  which  you 
have  assumed  ?  but  it  shan't  avail  you  —  you  shall 
find  me  too  far  north  for  you.  Here,  clerk,  write 
this  fellow's  mittimus.  His  name  is  Patrick  Ga- 
hagan." 

Here  Mr.  Jackson  interposed,  and  told  him  I  was 
a  Scotchman  lately  come  to  town,  descended  of  a 
good  family,  and  that  my  name  was  Random.  The 
justice  looked  upon  this  assertion  as  an  outrage  upon 
his  memory,  on  which  he  valued  himself  much ;  and 
strutting  up  to  Jackson,  with  a  fierce  countenance, 
put  his  hands  in  his  sides,  and  said,  "  Who  are  you, 
sir  ?  Do  you  give  me  the  lie  ?  Take  notice,  gen- 
tlemen, here 's  a  fellow  who  affronts  me  upon  the 
bench ;  but  1 11  lay  you  fast,  sirrah,  I  will ;  for  not- 
withstanding your  laced  jacket,  I  believe  you  are  a 
notorious  felon.'1  My  friend  was  so  much  abashed 
at  this  menace,  which  was  thundered  out  with  great 
vociferation,  that  he  changed  colour,  and  remained 
speechless.  This  confusion  his  worship  took  for  a 
symptom  of  guilt,  and  to  complete  his  discovery, 
continued  his  threats  —  "  Now,  I  am  convinced  you 
are  a  thief — your  face  discovers  it  —  you  tremble 
all  over  — your  conscience  won't  lie  still  —  you'll  be 
[173] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

hanged,  sirrah," raising  his  voice, "you'll  be  hanged; 
and  happy  had  it  been  for  the  world,  as  well  as  your 
own  miserable  soul,  if  you  had  been  detected  and 
cut  off  in  the  beginning  of  your  career.  Come 
hither,  clerk,  and  take  this  man's  confession.**  I 
was  in  an  agony  of  consternation,  when  the  consta- 
ble, going  into  another  room  with  his  worship, 
acquainted  him  with  the  truth  of  the  story ;  which 
having  learned,  he  returned  with  a  smiling  counte- 
nance, and  addressing  himself  to  us  all,  said  it  was 
always  his  way  to  terrify  young  people,  when  they 
came  before  him,  that  his  threats  might  make  a 
strong  impression  on  their  minds,  and  deter  them 
from  engaging  in  scenes  of  riot  and  debauchery, 
which  commonly  ended  before  the  judge.  Thus 
having  cloaked  his  own  want  of  discernment  under 
the  disguise  of  paternal  care,  we  were  dismissed,  and 
I  found  myself  as  much  lightened  as  if  a  mountain 
had  been  lifted  off  my  breast. 


[174] 


CHAPTER    EIGHTEEN 

I  CARRY  MY  QUALIFICATION  TO  THE  NAVY  OFFICE  —  THE 

NATURE  OF  IT THE  BEHAVIOUR  OF  THE  SECRETARY 

—  STRAP'S  CONCERN  FOR  MY  ABSENCE  —  A  BATTLE 
BETWEEN  HIM  AND  A  BLACKSMITH THE  TROUBLE- 
SOME CONSEQUENCE  OF  IT HIS  HARANGUE  TO  ME 

HIS   FRIEND  THE   SCHOOLMASTER   RECOMMENDS 

ME  TO  A  FRENCH  APOTHECARY,  WHO  ENTERTAINS  ME 
AS  A  JOURNEYMAN. 

I  WOULD  willingly  have  gone  home  to  sleep, 
but  was  told  by   my  companions,  that  we 
must   deliver  our  letters  of  qualification  at 
the  Navy  Office  before  one  o'clock;  accord- 
ingly we  went  thither,  and  gave  them  to  the  secre- 
tary, who  opened  and  read  them  ;  and  I  was  mightily 
pleased  to  find  myself  qualified  for  second  mate  of  a 
third-rate.     When  he  had  stuck  them  all  together  on 
a  file,  one  of  our  company  asked  if  there  were  any 
vacancies  ?  to  which  interrogation  he  answered,  No. 
Then  I  ventured  to  inquire  if  any  ships  were  to  be 
put  in   commission   soon  ?     At  which   question  he 
surveyed  me  with  a  look  of  ineffable  contempt,  and, 
pushing  usrout  of  his  office,  locked  the  door,  with- 
out deigning  us  another  word.     We  went  down- 
[175] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

stairs,  and  conferred  together  on  our  expectations, 
when  I  understood  that  each  of  them  had  been 
recommended  to  one  or  other  of  the  commissioners, 
and  each  of  them  promised  the  first  vacancy  that 
should  fall ;  but  that  none  of  them  relied  solely 
upon  that  interest,  without  a  present  to  the  secre- 
tary, with  whom  some  of  the  commissioners  went 
snacks.  For  which  reason  each  of  them  had  pro- 
vided a  small  purse;  and  I  was  asked  what  I 
proposed  to  give? 

This  was  a  vexatious  question  to  me,  who,  far 
from  being  in  a  capacity  to  gratify  a  ravenous  sec- 
retary, had  not  wherewithal  to  purchase  a  dinner. 
I  therefore  answered,  I  had  not  yet  determined  what 
to  give ;  and  sneaked  off  towards  my  own  lodgings, 
cursing  my  fate  all  the  way,  and  inveighing  with 
much  bitterness  against  the  barbarity  of  my  grand- 
father, and  the  sordid  avarice  of  my  relations,  who 
left  me  a  prey  to  contempt  and  indigence.  Full  of 
these  disagreeable  reflections,  I  arrived  at  the  house 
where  I  lodged,  and  relieved  my  landlord  from  great 
anxiety  on  my  account ;  for  this  honest  man  believed 
I  had  met  with  some  dismal  accident,  and  that  he 
should  never  see  me  again.  Strap,  who  had  come  to 
visit  me  in  the  morning,  understanding  I  had  been 
abroad  all  night,  was  almost  distracted,  and,  after 
having  obtained  leave  of  his  master,  had  gone  in 
quest  of  me,  though  he  was  even  more  ignorant  of 
[176] 


STRAP   AND    THE    BLACKSMITH 

the  town  than  I.  Not  being  willing  to  inform  my 
landlord  of  my  adventure,  I  told  him  I  had  met  with 
an  acquaintance  at  Surgeons'  Hall,  with  whom  I 
spent  the  evening  and  night,  but  being  very  much 
infested  by  bugs,  I  had  not  slept  much,  and  there- 
fore intended  to  take  a  little  repose ;  so  saying,  I 
went  to  bed,  and  desired  to  be  awakened,  if  Strap 
should  happen  to  come  while  I  should  be  asleep.  I 
was  accordingly  roused  by  my  friend  himself,  who 
entered  my  chamber  about  three  o'clock  in  the  after- 
noon ;  and  presented  a  figure  to  my  eyes,  that  I 
could  scarce  believe  real.  In  short,  this  affectionate 
shaver,  setting  out  towards  Surgeons'  Hall,  had  in- 
quired for  me  there  to  no  purpose ;  from  thence  he 
found  his  way  to  the  Navy  Office,  where  he  could  hear 
no  tidings  of  me,  because  I  was  unknown  to  every- 
body then  present ;  he  afterwards  went  upon  'Change, 
in  hopes  of  seeing  me  upon  the  Scotch  walk,  but 
without  success. 

At  last,  being  almost  in  despair  of  finding  me,  he 
resolved  to  ask  everybody  he  met  in  the  street,  if 
perchance  anyone  could  give  him  information  about 
me;  and  actually  put  his  resolution  in  practice,  in 
spite  of  the  scoffs,  curses,  and  reproaches  with  which 
he  was  answered  ;  until  a  blacksmith's  'prentice,  see- 
ing him  stop  a  porter  with  a  burden  on  his  back, 
and  hearing  his  question,  for  which  he  received  a 
hearty  curse,  called  to  him,  and  asked  if  the  person  he 
YOI.  i.  —  u  ,[177] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

inquired  after  was  not  a  Scotchman  ?  Strap  replied 
with  great  eagerness,  "Yes,  and  had  on  a  brown 
coat  with  long  skirts.""  **  The  same,""  said  the  black- 
smith, "  I  saw  him  pass  by  an  hour  ago."  "  Did 
you  so  ?  "  cried  Strap,  rubbing  his  hands.  "  Odd  !  I 
am  very  glad  of  that  —  which  way  went  he?" 
"  Towards  Tyburn  in  a  cart,"  said  he ;  "  if  you  make 
good  speed,  you  may  get  thither  time  enough  to  see 
him  hanged."  This  piece  of  wit  incensed  my  friend 
to  such  a  degree,  that  he  called  the  blacksmith 
scoundrel,  and  protested  he  would  fight  him  for  half 
a  farthing.  "No,  no,"  said  the  other,  stripping, 
"  I  '11  have  none  of  your  money  —  you  Scotchmen 
seldom  carry  any  about  with  you  —  but  I'll  fight 
you  for  love."  There  was  a  ring  immediately  formed 
by  the  mob ;  and  Strap,  finding  he  could  not  get  off 
honourably  without  fighting,  at  the  same  time  burn- 
ing with  resentment  against  his  adversary,  quitted 
his  clothes  to  the  care  of  the  multitude,  and  the 
battle  began  with  great  violence  on  the  side  of  Strap, 
who  in  a  few  minutes  exhausted  his  breath  and 
spirits  on  his  patient  antagonist,  who  sustained  the 
assault  with  great  coolness,  till,  finding  the  barber 
quite  spent,  he  returned  the  blows  he  had  lent  him 
with  such  interest,  that  Strap,  after  having  received 
three  falls  on  the  hard  stones,  gave  out,  and  allowed 
the  blacksmith  to  be  the  better  man. 

The  victory  being  thus  decided,  it  was  proposed 
[178] 


TROUBLESOME    CONSEQUENCE 

to  adjourn  to  a  cellar  hard  by,  and  drink  friends. 
But  when  my  friend  began  to  gather  up  his  clothes, 
he  perceived  that  some  honest  person  or  other  had 
made  free  with  his  shirt,  neckcloth,  hat,  and  wig, 
which  were  carried  off;  and  probably  his  coat  and 
waistcoat  would  have  met  with  the  same  fate,  liad 
they  been  worth  stealing.  It  was  in  vain  for  him  to 
make  a  noise,  which  only  yielded  mirth  to  the  spec- 
tators ;  he  was  fain  to  get  off  in  this  manner,  which 
he  accomplished  with  much  difficulty,  and  appeared 
before  me  all  besmeared  with  blood  and  dirt.  Not- 
withstanding this  misfortune,  such  was  his  transport 
at  finding  me  safe  and  sound,  that  he  had  almost  stifled 
and  stunk  me  to  death  with  his  embraces.  After  he 
had  cleaned  himself,  and  put  on  one  of  my  shirts, 
and  a  woollen  nightcap,  I  recounted  to  him  the  par- 
ticulars of  my  night's  campaign,  which  filled  him 
with  admiration,  and  made  him  repeat  with  great 
energy  an  observation  which  was  often  in  his  mouth, 
namely,  "  that  surely  London  is  the  devil's  drawing- 
room."  As  neither  of  us  had  dined,  he  desired  me 
to  get  up ;  and  the  milkwoman  coming  round  at 
that  instant,  he  went  downstairs,  and  brought  up  a 
quart,  with  a  penny  brick,  on  which  we  made  a  com- 
fortable meal.  He  then  shared  his  money  with  me, 
which  amounted  to  eighteenpence,  and  left  me,  with 
an  intention  to  borrow  an  old  wig  and  hat  of  his 
friend  the  schoolmaster. 

[179] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

He  was  no  sooner  gone,  than  I  began  to  consider 
my  situation  with  great  uneasiness,  and  revolved  all 
the  schemes  my  imagination  could  suggest,  in  order 
to  choose  and  pursue  some  one  that  might  procure 
me  bread  ;  for  it  is  impossible  to  express  the  pangs 
I  felt,  when  I  reflected  on  the  miserable  dependence 
in  which  I  lived  at  the  expense  of  a  poor  barber's 
boy.  My  pride  took  the  alarm,  and  having  no 
hopes  of  succeeding  at  the  Navy  Office,  I  came  to  a 
resolution  of  enlisting  in  the  foot-guards  next  day, 
be  the  event  what  it  would.  This  extravagant 
design,  by  flattering  my  disposition,  gave  great  sat- 
isfaction ;  and  I  was  charging  the  enemy  at  the  head 
of  my  own  regiment,  when  Strap's  return  interrupted 
my  reverie.  The  schoolmaster  had  made  him  a 
present  of  the  tie  wig  which  he  wore  when  I  was 
introduced  to  him,  together  with  an  old  hat,  whose 
brims  would  have  overshadowed  a  Colossus.  Though 
Strap  had  ventured  to  wear  them  in  the  dusk,  he 
did  not  choose  to  entertain  the  mob  by  day  ;  there- 
fore went  to  work  immediately,  and  reduced  them 
both  to  a  moderate  size.  While  he  was  employed  in 
this  office,  he  addressed  me  thus :  "  To  be  sure,  Mr. 
Random,  you  are  born  a  gentleman,  and  have  a 
great  deal  of  learning  —  and  indeed  look  like  a  gentle- 
man ;  for,  as  to  person,  you  may  hold  up  your  head 
with  the  best  of  them.  On  the  other  hand,  I  am 
a  poor  but  honest  cobbler's  son  —  my  mother  was 
[180] 


STRAPS    HARANGUE 

as  industrious  a  woman  as  ever  broke  bread,  till  such 
time  as  she  took  to  drinking,  which  you  very  well 
know  —  but  everybody  has  failings  —  humanum  est 
errare.  Now,  for  myself,  I  am  a  poor  journeyman 
barber,  tolerably  well  made,  and  understand  some 
Latin,  and  have  a  smattering  of  Greek  —  but  what 
of  that?  perhaps  I  might  also  say  that  I  know  a 
little  of  the  world — but  that  is  to  no  purpose  — 
though  you  be  gentle  and  I  simple,  it  does  not  fol- 
low but  that  I  who  am  simple  may  do  a  good  office 
to  you  who  are  gentle.  Now  this  is  the  case  —  my 
kinsman  the  schoolmaster  —  perhaps  you  did  not 
know  how  nearly  he  is  related  to  me  —  I  '11  satisfy 
you  in  that  presently  —  his  mother  and  my  grand- 
mother's sister's  nephew  —  no,  that's  not  it  —  my 
grandfather's  brother's  daughter  —  rabbit  it !  I 
have  forgot  the  degree,  but  this  I  know,  he  and  I 
are  cousins  seven  times  removed."  My  impatience 
to  know  the  good  office  he  had  done  me  got  the 
better  of  my  temper,  and  interrupted  him  at  this 
place,  with,  "  D — n  your  relation  and  pedigree  !  if  the 
schoolmaster  or  you  can  be  of  any  advantage  to  me, 
why  don't  you  tell  me  without  all  this  preamble  ? n 
When  I  pronounced  these  words  with  some  vehe- 
mence, Strap  looked  at  me  for  some  time  with  a 
grave  countenance,  and  then  went  on :  "  Surely  my 
pedigree  is  not  to  be  d — n'd,  because  it  is  not  so  noble 
as  yours.  I  am  very  sorry  to  see  such  an  alteration 
[181] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

m  your  temper  of  late  —  you  was  always  fiery,  but 
now  you  are  grown  as  crabbed  as  old  Perriwinkle  the 
drunken  tinker,  on  whom  you  and  I,  God  forgive  us, 
played  so  many  unlucky  tricks,  while  we  were  at 
school.  But  I  will  no  longer  detain  you  in  suspense, 
because,  doubtless,  nothing  is  more  uneasy  than 
doubt  —  dubio,  procul  dubio,  nil  dttbius.  My  friend, 
or  relation,  or  which  you  will,  or  both,  the  school- 
master, being  informed  of  the  regard  I  have  for  you 
—  for,  you  may  be  sure,  I  did  not  fail  to  let  him 
know  your  good  qualities  —  by  the  by,  he  has 
undertaken  to  teach  you  the  pronunciation  of  the 
English  tongue,  without  which,  he  says,  you  will  be 
unfit  for  business  in  this  country  —  I  say  my  relation 
has  spoke  in  your  behalf  to  a  French  apothecary 
who  wants  a  journeyman ;  and,  on  his  recommen- 
dation, you  may  have  fifteen  pounds  per  year,  bed 
and  board,  whenever  you  please."  I  was  too  much 
interested  in  this  piece  of  news  to  entertain  it  with 
indifference ;  but,  jumping  up,  insisted  on  Strap's 
immediately  accompanying  me  to  the  house  of  his 
friend,  that  I  might  not  lose  this  opportunity  through 
the  least  delay  or  neglect  on  my  part. 

We  were  informed  that  the  schoolmaster  was  in 
company  at  a  public-house  in  the  neighbourhood, 
whither  we  repaired,  and  found  him  drinking  with 
the  very  individual  apothecary  in  question.  When 
he  was  called  to  the  door  at  our  desire,  and  observed 
[182] 


INTRODUCTION    TO    LAVEMENT 

my  impatience,  he  broke  out  into  his  usual  term  of 
admiration :  "  O  Ch — st !  I  suppose,  when  you  heard 
of  this  offer,  you  did  not  take  leisure  enough  to 
come  downstairs,  but  leapt  out  of  the  window ;  did 
you  overturn  no  porter  nor  oyster-woman  in  your 
way !  It  is  a  mercy  of  God  you  did  not  knock  your 
brains  out  against  some  post  in  your  career.  O  my 
conscience !  I  believe,  had  I  been  in  the  inmost 
recesses  of  my  habitation,  —  the  very  penetralia,  — 
even  in  bed  with  my  wife ;  your  eagerness  would 
have  surmounted  bolts,  bars,  decency,  and  every- 
thing. The  den  of  Cacus  or  Sanctum  Sanctorum 
could  not  have  hid  me  from  you.  But  come  along, 
the  gentleman  of  whom  I  spoke  is  in  the  house,  I 
will  present  you  to  him  forthwith.1'  When  I  en- 
tered the  room,  I  perceived  four  or  five  people  smok- 
ing, one  of  whom  the  schoolmaster  accosted  thus : 
"  Mr.  Lavement,  here 's  the  young  man  of  whom  I 
spoke  to  you."  The  apothecary,  who  was  a  little 
old  withered  man,  with  a  forehead  about  an  mch 
high,  a  nose  turned  up  at  the  end,  large  cheek-bones 
that  helped  to  form  a  pit  for  his  little  grey  eyes,  a 
great  bag  of  loose  skin  hanging  down  on  each  side 
in  wrinkles  like  the  alforjas  of  a  baboon ;  and  a 
mouth  so  accustomed  to  that  contraction  which 
produces  grinning,  that  he  could  not  pronounce  a 
syllable  without  discovering  the  remains  of  his  teeth, 
which  consisted  of  four  yellow  fangs,  not  improperly, 
[183] 


KODERICK    RANDOM 

by  anatomists,  called  canine;  —  this  person,  I  say, 
after  having  eyed  me  some  time,  said,  "  Oho,  't  is 
very  well,  Mons.  Concordance  ;  —  young  man,  you 
are  ver  welcome,  take  one  coup  of  bierre  —  and  come 
to  mine  house  to-marrow  morning :  Mons.  Concord- 
ance vil  show  you  de  way."  Upon  this  I  made  my 
bow,  and  as  I  went  out  of  the  room,  could  hear  him 
say,  "  Ma  foi !  c'est  un  beau  garcon,  c'est  un  gal- 
liard"  As  I  had,  by  my  own  application,  while  I 
served  Crab,  acquired  the  French  tongue  well  enough 
to  read  authors  written  in  that  language,  and  un- 
derstand anything  that  occurred  in  conversation,  I 
determined  to  pretend  ignorance  to  my  new  master, 
that  he  and  his  family,  whom  I  supposed  to  be  of 
the  same  country,  not  being  on  the  reserve  before 
me,  might  possibly  discover  something  in  discourse, 
which  would  either  yield  me  amusement  or  advantage. 
Next  morning  Mr.  Concordance  carried  me  to  the 
apothecary's  house,  where  the  bargain  was  made, 
and  orders  given  to  provide  an  apartment  for  me 
immediately.  But,  before  I  entered  upon  business, 
the  schoolmaster  recommended  me  to  his  tailor,  who 
gave  me  credit  for  a  suit  of  clothes  to  be  paid  out 
of  the  first  moiety  of  my  wages,  and  they  were  begun 
upon  that  very  day;  he  afterwards  accommodated 
me  with  a  new  hat,  on  the  same  terms ;  so  that,  in  a 
few  days,  I  hoped  to  make  a  very  fashionable  appear- 
ance. In  the  meantime,  Strap  conveyed  my  bag- 
[184] 


INTRODUCTION    TO    LAVEMENT 

gage  to  the  place  allotted  for  me,  which  was  a  back 
room  up  two  pair  of  stairs,  furnished  with  a  pallet 
for  me  to  lie  upon,  a  chair  without  a  back,  an  earthen 
chamber-pot  without  a  handle,  a  bottle  by  way  of 
candlestick,  and  a  triangular  piece  of  glass  instead 
of  a  mirror,  the  rest  of  its  ornaments  having  been 
lately  removed  to  one  of  the  garrets,  for  the  con- 
venience of  the  servant  of  an  Irish  captain,  who 
lodged  in  the  first  floor. 


(185] 


CHAPTER    NINETEEN 

THE    CHARACTERS    OF    MR.    LAVEMENT,    HIS    WIFE,    AND 

DAUGHTER SOME   ANECDOTES   OF  THE   FAMILY 

THE      MOTHER     AND      DAUGHTER      RIVALS  I      AM 

GUILTY  OF  A  MISTAKE  THAT  GIVES  ME  PRESENT 
SATISFACTION,  BUT  IS  ATTENDED  WITH  TROUBLE- 
SOME CONSEQUENCES. 

NEXT  day,  while  I  was  at  work  in  the 
shop,  a  bouncing  damsel,  well  dressed, 
came  in,  on  pretence  of  finding  a  phial 
for  some  use  or  other;  and  taking  an 
opportunity,  when  she  thought  I  did  not  mind  her, 
of  observing  me  narrowly,  went  away  with  a  silent 
look  of  disdain.     I   easily  guessed  her  sentiments, 
and  my  pride  took    the  resolution  of   entertaining 
the  same  indifference  and  neglect  towards  her.     At 
dinner,  the  maids,  with  whom  I  dined  in  the  kitchen, 
gave  me  to  understand  that  this  was  my   master's 
only  daughter,  who  would  have  a  very  handsome 
fortune,   on  account  of  which,   and  her  beauty,  a 
great  many  young  gentlemen  made  their  addresses 
to  her ;  that  she  had  been  twice  on  the  brink  of  mar- 
riage,  but  disappointed   by  the   stinginess   of  her 
[186] 


THE    LAVEMENT    FAMILY 

father,  who  refused  to  part  with  a  shilling  to  pro- 
mote the  match ;  for  which  reason  the  young  lady 
did  not  behave  to  her  father  with  all  the  filial 
veneration  that  might  be  expected.  In  particular, 
she  harboured  the  most  perfect  hatred  for  his  coun- 
trymen, in  which  disposition  she  resembled  her 
mother,  who  was  an  Englishwoman ;  and,  by  the 
hints  they  dropped,  I  learned  the  grey  mare  was 
the  better  horse ;  that  she  was  a  matron  of  a  high 
spirit,  which  was  often  manifested  at  the  expense  of 
her  dependants;  that  she  loved  diversions,  and 
looked  upon  Miss  as  her  rival  in  all  parties ;  which, 
indeed,  was  the  true  cause  of  all  her  disappoint- 
ments, for,  had  the  mother  been  hearty  in  her  inter- 
est, the  father  would  not  have  ventured  to  refuse 
her  demands. 

Over  and  above  this  intelligence,  I,  of  myself,  soon 
made  more  discoveries.  Mr.  Lavement's  significant 
grins  at  his  wife,  while  she  looked  another  way,  con- 
vinced me  that  he  was  not  at  all  content  with  his 
lot ;  and  his  behaviour  in  presence  of  the  captain, 
made  me  believe  his  chief  torment  was  jealousy. 
As  for  my  own  part,  I  was  considered  in  no  other 
light  than  that  of  a  menial  servant,  and  had  been 
already  six  days  in  the  house  without  being  honoured 
with  one  word  from  either  mother  or  daughter,  the 
latter  (as  I  understood  from  the  maids)  having,  at 
table,  one  day  expressed  some  surprise  that  her 
[187] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

papa   should    entertain    such    an    awkward    mean- 
looking  journeyman.     I  was  nettled  at  this  piece  of 
information,  and  next  Sunday,  (it  being  my  turn  to 
take  my  diversion,)  dressed  myself  in  my  new  clothes, 
to  the  greatest  advantage,  and,  vanity  apart,  made 
no  contemptible  figure.     After  having  spent  most 
part  of  the  day  in  company  with  Strap,  and  some  of 
his  acquaintance,  I  came  home  in  the  afternoon,  and 
was  let  in  by  Miss,  who,  not  knowing  me,  dropped  a 
low  curtsey  as  I  advanced,  which  I  returned  with  a 
profound  bow,  and  shut  the  door.     By  the  time  I 
had  turned  about,  she  had  perceived  her  mistake, 
and  changed   colour,  but  did  not   withdraw.     The 
passage  being  narrow,  I  could  not  get  away  without 
jostling  her;  so  I  was  forced  to  remain  where  I  was, 
with  my  eyes  fixed  on  the  ground,  and  my  face  glow- 
ing with  blushes.     At  length  her  vanity  coming  to 
her  assistance,  she  went  away  tittering,  and  I  could 
hear  her  pronounce  the   word    "Creature."     From 
this   day   forward,   she   came    into    the  shop    fifty 
times  every  day,  upon  various    pretences,  and  put 
in   practice  so  many   ridiculous    airs,  that   I  could 
easily  perceive  her  opinion  of  me  was  changed,  and 
that  she  did  not  think  me  altogether  an  unworthy 
conquest.     But  my  heart  was  so  steeled  against  her 
charms  by  pride  and   resentment,  which  were   two 
chief  ingredients  in  my  disposition,  that  I  remained 
insensible  to    all    her  arts;    and,   notwithstanding 
(188] 


MOTHER    AND    DAUGHTER 

some  advances  she  made,  could  not  be  prevailed  upon 
to  yield  her  the  least  attention.  This  neglect  soon 
banished  all  the  favourable  impressions  she  felt  for 
me,  and  the  rage  of  a  slighted  woman  took  place  in 
her  heart ;  this  she  manifested  not  only  in  all  the 
suggestions  her  malice  could  invent  to  my  prejudice 
with  her  father,  but  also  in  procuring  for  me  such 
servile  employments  as  she  hoped  would  sufficiently 
humble  my  spirit.  One  day,  in  particular,  she 
ordered  me  to  brush  my  master's  coat,  but  I  refus- 
ing, a  smart  dialogue  ensued,  which  ended  in  her 
bursting  into  tears  of  rage  ;  when  her  mother  inter- 
posing, and  examining  into  the  merits  of  the  cause, 
determined  it  in  my  favour;  and  this  good  office  I 
owed  not  to  any  esteem  or  consideration  she  had  for 
me,  but  solely  to  the  desire  of  mortifying  her  daugh- 
ter, who  on  this  occasion  observed,  that  let  people  be 
never  so  much  in  the  right,  there  were  some  folks 
who  would  never  do  them  justice ;  but,  to  be  sure, 
they  had  their  reasons  for  it,  which  some  people 
were  not  ignorant  of,  although  they  despised  their 
little  arts.  This  insinuation  of  some  people  and 
some  folks,  put  me  upon  observing  the  behaviour  of 
my  mistress  more  narrowly  for  the  future ;  and  it  was 
not  long  before  I  had  reason  to  believe  that  she 
looked  upon  her  daughter  as  a  rival  in  the  affec- 
tions of  Captain  O'Donnell,  who  lodged  in  the  house. 
In  the  meantime,  my  industry  and  knowledge  gained 
[189] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

me  the  goodwill  of  my  master,  who  would  often  say 
in  French,  "  Mardie  !  c'est  un  bon  gar^on.™  He  had 
a  great  deal  of  business ;  but  as  he  was  mostly  em- 
ployed among  his  fellow-refugees,  his  profits  were 
small.  However,  his  expense  for  medicines  was  not 
great,  for  he  was  the  most  expert  man  at  a  succe- 
daneum  of  any  apothecary  in  London ;  so  that  I 
have  been  sometimes  amazed  to  see  him,  without  the 
least  hesitation,  make  up  a  physician's  prescription, 
though  he  had  not  in  his  shop  one  medicine  men- 
tioned in  it.  Oyster-shells  he  could  invent  into 
crab's  eyes  ;  common  oil,  into  oil  of  sweet  almonds ; 
syrup  of  sugar,  into  balsamic  syrup  ;  Thames  water, 
into  aqua  cinnamoni ;  turpentine,  into  capivi ;  and  a 
hundred  more  costly  preparations  were  produced  in 
an  instant,  from  the  cheapest  and  coarsest  drugs  of 
the  materia  medica:  and  when  any  common  thing 
was  ordered  for  a  patient,  he  always  took  care  to 
disguise  it  in  colour  or  taste,  or  both,  in  such  a 
manner,  as  that  it  could  not  possibly  be  known,  for 
which  purpose  cochineal  and  oil  of  cloves  were  of 
great  service.  Among  many  nostrums  which  he  pos- 
sessed, there  was  one  for  the  venereal  disease,  that 
brought  him  a  good  deal  of  money ;  and  this  he  con- 
cealed so  artfully  from  me,  that  I  could  never  learn 
its  composition.  But  during  the  eight  months  I 
staid  in  his1  service,  he  was  so  unfortunate  in  the  use 
of  it,  that  three  parts  in  four  of  those  who  took  it 
[190] 


MOTHER    AND    DAUGHTER 

were  fain  to  confirm  the  cure  by  a  salivation  under 
the  direction  of  another  doctor.  This  bad  success, 
in  all  appearance,  attached  him  the  more  to  his 
specific ;  and  before  I  left  him,  I  may  venture  to  say, 
he  would  have  sooner  renounced  the  Trinity,  not- 
withstanding his  being  a  good  Huguenot,  than  his 
confidence  in  the,  never-failing  power  of  this  remedy. 
Mr.  Lavement  had  attempted  more  than  once  to 
introduce  a  vegetable  diet  into  his  family,  by  launch- 
ing out  into  the  praise  of  roots  and  greens,  and 
decrying  the  use  of  flesh,  both  as  a  physician  and 
philosopher ;  but  all  his  rhetoric  could  not  make  one 
proselyte  to  his  opinion ;  and  even  the  wife  of  his 
bosom  declared  against  the  proposal.  Whether  it 
was  owing  to  the  little  regard  she  paid  to  her 
husband's  admonition  in  this  particular,  or  to  the 
natural  warmth  of  her  constitution,  I  know  not ;  but 
this  lady's  passions  became  every  day  more  and  more 
violent,  till  at  last  she  looked  upon  decency  as  an 
unnecessary  restraint;  and  one  afternoon,  when  her 
husband  was  abroad,  and  her  daughter  gone  to  visit, 
ordered  me  to  call  a  hackney  coach,  in  which  she  and 
the  captain  drove  toward  Covent  Garden. 

Miss  came  home  in  the  evening,  and,  supping  at 
her  usual  hour,  went  to  bed.  About  eleven  o'clock 
my  master  entered,  and  asked  if  his  wife  was  gone  to 
sleep  ;  upon  which  I  told  him,  my  mistress  went  out 
in  the  afternoon,  and  was  not  yet  returned.  This 

[191] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

was  like  a  clap  of  thunder  to  the  poor  apothecary, 
who,  starting  back,  cried,  "  Mort  de  ma  vie  !  vat  you 
tell  a  me  ?  My  wife  not  at  home !  "  At  that  in- 
stant a  patient's  servant  arrived  with  a  prescription 
for  a  draught,  which  my  master  taking,  went  into 
the  shop  to  make  it  up  with  his  own  hand.  While 
he  rubbed  the  ingredients  in  a  glass  mortar,  he 
inquired  of  me,  whether  or  not  his  wife  went  out 
alone ;  and  no  sooner  heard  that  she  was  in  com- 
pany with  the  captain,  than,  with  one  blow,  he  split 
the  mortar  into  a  thousand  pieces,  and,  grinning  like 
the  head  of  a  bass  viol,  exclaimed,  "  Ah,  traitresse  !  " 
It  would  have  been  impossible  for  me  to  have  pre- 
served my  gravity  a  minute  longer,  when  I  was 
happily  relieved  by  a  rap  at  the  door,  which  I  opened, 
and  perceived  my  mistress  coming  out  of  the  coach ; 
she  flounced  immediately  into  the  shop,  and  ad- 
dressed her  husband  thus :  "  I  suppose  you  thought 
I  was  lost,  my  dear  —  Captain  O'Donnell  has  been 
so  good  as  to  treat  me  with  a  play."  "  Play,  play," 
replied  he,  "  oho !  yes,  by  gar,  I  believe  ver  prettie 
play."  "  Bless  me  ! "  said  she,  "  what  's  the  mat- 
ter?" "Vat  de  matter?"  cried  he,  forgetting  all 
his  former  complaisance,  "  by  gar,  you  be  one  damn 
dog's  wife  —  ventre  bleu!  me  vill  show  you  vat  it 
is  to  put  one  horn  upon  mine  head.  Pardieu !  le 
Capitaine  O'Donnell  be  one "  —  Here  the  captain, 
who  had  been  all  the  while  at  the  door  discharging 
[192] 


CAPTAIN    O'DONNELL 

the  coach,  entered,  and  said,  with  a  terrible  voice, 
"  D — mrae  !  what  am  I  ?  "  Mr.  Lavement,  chang- 
ing his  tone,  immediately  saluted  him  with,  "  Oh 
serviteur.  Monsieur  le  Capitaine,  vous  4tes  un  galant 
homme  —  mafemme  estfort  obligee"  Then,  turning 
about  towards  me,  pronounced  with  a  low  voice, 
"  Et  diablement  obligeante,  sans  doute."  "Harkee, 
Mr.  Lavement,"  said  the  captain,  "  I  am  a  man  of 
honour,  and  I  believe  you  are  too  much  of  a  gentle- 
man to  be  offended  at  the  civility  I  show  your  wife." 
This  declaration  had  such  an  effect  on  the  apothe- 
cary, that  he  resumed  all  the  politesse  of  a  French- 
man, and  with  the  utmost  prostration  of  compliment, 
assured  the  captain  that  he  was  perfectly  well  satis- 
fied with  the  honour  he  had  done  his  wife.  Matters 
being  thus  composed,  everybody  went  to  rest.  Next 
day,  I  perceived,  through  a  glass  door  that  opened 
from  the  shop  into  the  parlour,  the  captain  talking 
earnestly  to  Miss,  who  heard  him  with  a  look  that 
expressed  anger  mingled  with  scorn ;  which,  however, 
he  at  last  found  means  to  mollify,  and  sealed  his 
reconciliation  with  a  kiss.  This  circumstance  soon 
convinced  me  of  the  occasion  of  the  quarrel ;  but 
notwithstanding  all  my  vigilance,  I  could  never  dis- 
cover any  other  commerce  between  them.  In  the 
meanwhile,  I  had  reason  to  believe  I  had  inspired 
one  of  the  maids  with  tender  sentiments  for  me ;  and 
one  night,  when  I  thought  every  other  person  in  the 

TOL.L-13  [198] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

house  asleep,  I  took  the  opportunity  of  going  to 
reap  the  fruits  of  my  conquest,  her  bedfellow  having 
the  day  before  gone  to  Richmond  to  visit  her  par- 
ents. Accordingly,  I  got  up,  and,  naked  as  I  was, 
explored  my  way  in  the  dark  to  the  garret  where  she 
lay.  I  was  ravished  to  find  the  door  open,  and 
moved  softly  to  her  bedside,  transported  with  the 
hope  of  completing  my  wishes.  But  what  horrors 
of  jealousy  and  disappointment  did  I  feel,  when  I 
found  her  asleep,  fast  locked  in  the  arms  of  a  man, 
whom  I  easily  guessed  to  be  no  other  than  the  cap- 
tain's servant !  I  was  upon  the  point  of  doing  some 
rash  thing,  when  the  noise  of  a  rat  scratching  behind 
the  wainscot  put  me  to  flight,  and  I  was  fain  to  get 
back  to  my  own  bed  in  safety.  Whether  this  alarm 
had  disordered  my  mind,  or  that  I  was  led  astray  by 
the  power  of  destiny,  I  know  not ;  but,  instead  of 
turning  to  the  left  hand  when  I  descended  to  the 
second  storey,  I  pursued  the  contrary  course,  and 
mistook  the  young  lady's  bedchamber  for  my  own. 
I  did  not  perceive  my  mistake  before  I  had  run 
against  the  bedposts,  and  then  it  was  not  in  my 
power  to  retreat  undiscovered  ;  for  the  nymph  being 
awake,  felt  my  approach,  and,  with  a  soft  voice,  bade 
me  make  less  noise,  lest  the  Scotch  booby  in  the 
next  room  should  overhear  us.  This  hint  was  suffi- 
cient to  inform  me  of  the  nature  of  the  assignation  ; 
and  as  my  passions,  at  any  time  high,  were  then  in 
[194] 


A    NOCTURNAL    MISTAKE 

a  state  of  exaltation,  I  resolved  to  profit  by  my  good 
fortune. 

Without  any  more  ceremony,  therefore,  I  made 
bold  to  slip  into  bed  to  this  charmer,  who  gave  me 
as  favourable  a  reception  as  I  could  desire.  Our 
conversation  was  very  sparing  on  my  part ;  but  she 
upbraided  the  person  whom  I  represented  with  his 
jealousy  of  me,  whom  she  handled  so  roughly,  that 
my  resentment  had  well-nigh  occasioned  a  discovery 
more  than  once ;  but  I  was  consoled  for  her  hatred 
of  me  by  the  revenge  I  enjoyed  in  understanding 
from  her  own  mouth  that  it  was  now  high  time  to 
salve  her  reputation  by  matrimony;  for  she  had 
reason  to  fear  she  could  not  much  longer  conceal  the 
effects  of  their  mutual  intercourse.  While  I  was 
meditating  an  answer  to  this  proposal,  I  heard  a 
noise  in  my  room,  like  something  heavy  falling 
down  upon  the  floor ;  upon  which  I  started  up,  and, 
creeping  to  the  door  of  my  chamber,  observed  by 
moonlight  the  shadow  of  a  man  groping  his  way 
out ;  so  I  retired  to  one  side  to  let  him  pass,  and 
saw  him  go  downstairs  as  expeditiously  as  he  could. 
It  was  an  easy  matter  to  divine  that  this  was  the 
captain,  who,  having  overslept  himself,  had  gpt  up 
at  last  to  keep  his  assignation  ;  and  finding  my  door 
open,  had  entered  my  apartment  instead  of  that  of 
his  mistress,  where  I  supplied  his  place  ;  but  finding 
his  mistake,  by  falling  over  my  chair,  he  was  afraid 
[195] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

the  noise  might  alarm  the  family,  and,  for  that 
reason,  made  off,  delaying  the  gratification  of  his 
desires  till  another  opportunity.  By  this  time  I 
was  satisfied  ;  and,  instead  of  returning  to  the  place 
from  whence  I  came,  retreated  to  my  own  castle, 
which  I  fortified  by  bolting  the  door,  and,  in  the 
congratulation  of  my  own  happiness,  fell  asleep. 
But  the  truth  of  this  adventure  could  not  be  long 
concealed  from  my  young  mistress,  who  next  day 
came  to  an  explanation  with  the  captain,  upon  his 
lamenting  his  last  night's  disappointment,  and  beg- 
ging pardon  for  the  noise  he  had  made.  Their 
mutual  chagrin,  when  they  came  to  the  knowledge 
of  what  had  happened,  may  be  easily  conjectured, 
though  each  had  a  peculiar  grief  unfelt  by  the  other ; 
for  she  was  conscious  of  not  only  having  betrayed 
to  me  the  secrets  of  her  commerce  with  him,  but 
also  of  having  incensed  me  by  the  freedoms  she  had 
taken  with  my  name,  beyond  a  hope  of  reconcilia- 
tion. On  the  other  hand,  his  jealousy  suggested 
that  her  sorrow  was  all  artifice,  and  that  I  had  sup- 
plied his  place  with  her  own  privity  and  consent. 
That  such  was  the  situation  of  their  thoughts,  will 
appear  in  the  sequel ;  for  that  very  day  she  came 
into  the  shop  where  I  was  alone,  and  fixing  her  eyes, 
swimming  in  tears,  upon  me,  sighed  most  piteously. 
But  I  was  proof  against  her  distress,  by  recollecting 
the  epithets  with  which  she  had  honoured  me  the 
[196] 


A    NOCTURNAL    MISTAKE 

night  before ;  and  believing  that  the  good  reception 
I  enjoyed  was  destined  for  another,  therefore  I  took 
no  notice  of  her  affliction ;  and  she  had  the  morti- 
fication to  find  her  disdain  returned  fourfold.  How- 
ever, from  thenceforward  she  thought  proper  to  use 
me  with  more  complaisance  than  usual,  knowing 
that  it  was  in  my  power  at  any  time  to  publish  her 
shame.  By  these  means  my  life  became  much  more 
agreeable,  though  I  never  could  prevail  upon  myself 
to  repeat  my  nocturnal  visit ;  and,  as  I  every  day 
improved  in  my  knowledge  of  the  town,  I  shook  off 
my  awkward  air  by  degrees,  and  acquired  the  char- 
acter of  a  polite  journeyman  apothecary. 


[197] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY 

I  AM  ASSAULTED  AND  DANGEROUSLY  WOUNDED SUSPECT 

O'DONNELL,  AND  AM  CONFIRMED  IN  MY  OPINION  — 
CONCERT  A  SCHEME  OF  REVENGE,  AND  PUT  IT  IN 
EXECUTION  —  O'DONNELL  ROBS  HIS  OWN  SERVANT, 

AND  DISAPPEARS 1  MAKE  MY  ADDRESSES  TO  A 

LADY,  AND  AM  MIRACULOUSLY  DELIVERED  FROM  HER 

SNARE. 

ONE   night   about   twelve   o'clock,  as    I 
returned    from    visiting   a   patient    at 
Chelsea,  I  received  a  blow  on  my  head 
fro  >*  an  unseen  hand,  that  stretched  me 
senseless  on  the  ground ;  and  was  left  for  dead,  with 
three  stabs  of  a  sword  in  my  body.     The  groans  I 
uttered,  when  I  recovered  the  use  of  my  reason, 
alarmed  the  people  of  a  solitary  alehouse  that  stood 
near  the  spot  where  I  lay,  and  they  were  humane 
enough  to  take  me  in,  and  send  for  a  surgeon,  who 
dressed  my  wounds,  and  assured  me  they  were  not 
mortal.     One  of  them  penetrated  through  the  skin 
and  muscles  of  one  side  of  my  belly  in  such  a  manner, 
that  doubtless  the  assassin  imagined  he  had  run  me 
through  the  entrails.     The  second  slanted  along  one 
[198] 


DANGEROUSLY    WOUNDED 

of  my  ribs ;  and  the  last,  which  was  intended  for  the 
finishing  stroke,  having  been  directed  to  my  heart, 
the  sword  snapped  upon  my  breastbone,  and  the  point 
remained  sticking  in  the  skin.  When  I  reflected 
upon  this  event,  I  could  not  persuade  myself  that  I 
had  been  assaulted  by  a  common  footpad  ;  because  it 
is  not  usual  for  such  people  to  murder  those  they  rob, 
especially  when  they  meet  with  no  resistance ;  and  I 
found  my  money,  and  everything  else  about  me  (but 
my  carcase)  safe.  I  concluded,  therefore,  that  I  must 
either  have  been  mistaken  for  another,  or  obliged  to 
the  private  resentment  of  some  secret  enemy  for  what 
had  happened ;  and  as  I  could  remember  nobody  who 
had  the  least  cause  of  complaint  against  me,  except 
Captain  O'Donnell  and  my  master's  daughter,  my 
suspicion  settled  upon  them,  though  I  took  care  to 
conceal  it,  that  I  might  the  sooner  arrive  at  confirma- 
tion. 

With  this  view,  I  went  home  in  a  chair  about  ten 
©""clock  in  the  morning ;  and  as  the  chairman  supported 
me  into  the  house,  met  the  captain  in  the  passage, 
who  no  sooner  saw  me,  than  he  started  back,  and 
gave  evident  signs  of  guilty  confusion,  which  he  would 
have  accounted  for  from  the  surprise  occasioned  by 
seeing  me  in  such  a  condition.  My  master  having 
heard  my  story,  condoled  me  with  a  good  deal  of  sym- 
pathy, and  when  he  understood  my  wounds  were  not 
dangerous,  ordered  me  to  be  carried  upstairs  to  bed ; 
[199] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

though  not  without  some  opposition  from  his  wife, 
who  was  of  opinion,  it  would  be  better  for  me  to  go 
to  an  hospital,  where  I  should  be  more  carefiilly 
attended.  My  meditation  was  employed  in  concert- 
ing with  myself  some  method  of  revenge  against 
Squire  O'Donnell  and  his  inamorata,  whom  I  looked 
upon  as  the  authors  of  my  misfortune;  when  Miss 
(who  was  riot  at  home  at  my  arrival)  entered  my 
chamber,  and,  saying  she  was  sorry  for  the  accident 
that  had  befallen  me,  asked  if  I  suspected  anybody  to 
be  the  assassin :  upon  which  I  fixed  my  eyes  stead- 
fastly upon  her,  and  answered, "  Yes.*"  She  discovered 
no  symptom  of  confusion ;  but  replied  hastily,  "  If 
that  be  the  case,  why  don't  you  take  out  a  warrant  to 
have  him  apprehended  ?  It  will  cost  but  a  trifle ;  if 
you  have  no  money,  I  '11  lend  you."  This  frankness 
not  only  cured  me  of  my  suspicion  with  respect  to 
her  ;  but  even  staggered  my  belief  with  regard  to  the 
captain,  of  whose  guilt  I  resolved  to  have  further 
proof  before  I  should  enterprise  anything  in  the  way 
of  revenge. 

I  thanked  her  kindly  for  her  generous  offer ;  which, 
however,  I  had  no  occasion  to  accept,  being  determined 
to  do  nothing  rashly :  for  though  I  could  plainly  per- 
ceive the  person  who  attacked  me  to  be  a  soldier, 
whose  face  I  thought  was  familiar  to  me,  I  could  not 
swear  with  a  safe  conscience  to  any  particular  man  ; 
and,  granting  I  could,  my  prosecution  of  him  would 
[200] 


A    SCHEME    OF    REVENGE 

not  much  avail.  This  uncertainty  I  pretended,  lest 
the  captain,  hearing  from  her  that  I  knew  the  person 
who  wounded  me,  might  think  proper  to  withdraw 
before  I  could  be  in  a  condition  to  requite  him.  In 
two  days  I  was  up,  and  able  to  do  a  little  business,  so 
that  Mr.  Lavement  made  shift  to  carry  on  his  prac- 
tice without  hiring  another  journeyman  in  my  room. 
The  first  thing  I  attempted  towards  a  certain  discov- 
ery of  my  secret  enemy,  was  to  get  into  CTDonnelTs 
apartment  while  he  was  abroad  in  an  undress,  and 
examine  his  sword,  the  point  of  which  being  broke  off, 
I  applied  the  fragment  that  was  found  sticking  in  my 
body,  and  found  it  answered  the  fractured  part 
exactly.  There  was  no  room  left  for  doubt ;  and  all 
that  remained  was  to  fix  upon  a  scheme  of  revenge, 
which  almost  solely  engrossed  my  thoughts  during 
the  space  of  eight  nights  and  days.  Sometimes  I  was 
tempted  to  fall  upon  him  in  the  same  manner  as  he 
had  practised  upon  me,  and  kill  him  outright.  But 
this  assault  my  honour  opposed  as  a  piece  of  barbar- 
ous cowardice,  in  which  he  was  not  to  be  imitated. 
At  other  times  I  entertained  thoughts  of  demanding 
satisfaction  in  an  honourable  way ;  but  was  diverted 
from  this  undertaking  by  considering  the  uncertainty 
of  the  event,  and  the  nature  of  the  injury  he  had  done 
me,  which  did  not  entitle  him  to  such  easy  terms.  At 
last  I  determined  to  pursue  a  middle  course;  and 
actually  put  my  design  in  execution  after  this  manner. 
[201] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Having  secured  the  assistance  of  Strap  and  two  of  his 
acquaintance  whom  he  could  depend  upon,  we  pro- 
vided ourselves  with  disguises,  and  I  caused  the  follow- 
ing letter  to  be  delivered  to  him  by  one  of  our 
associates  in  livery  one  Sunday  evening:  — 

"Sin, —  If  I  may  be  allowed  to  judge  from  appear- 
ance, it  will  not  be  disagreeable  to  you  to  hear  that  my 
husband  is  gone  to  Bagshot  to  visit  a  patient,  and  will 
not  return  till  to-morrow  night ;  so  that  if  you  have  any- 
thing to  propose  to  me  (as  your  behaviour  on  many  occa- 
sions has  seemed  to  insinuate),  you  will  do  well  to 
embrace  the  present  opportunity  of  seeing 

Yours,  etc." 

This  letter  was  signed  with  the  name  of  an  apothe- 
cary's wife  who  lived  in  Chelsea,  of  whom  I  had  heard 
O'Donnell  was  an  admirer.  Everything  succeeded  to 
our  wish.  The  amorous  hero  hastened  towards  the 
place  of  assignation ;  and  was  encountered  by  us  in 
the  very  place  where  he  had  assaulted  me.  We  rushed 
upon  him  all  at  once,  secured  his  sword,  stripped  off 
his  clothes  even  to  the  skin,  which  we  scourged  with 
nettles  till  he  was  blistered  from  head  to  foot,  not- 
withstanding all  the  eloquence  of  his  tears  and 
supplications. 

When  I  was  satisfied  with  the  stripes  I  had  be-* 

stowed,  we  carried  off  his  clothes,  which  we  hid  in  a 

hedge  near  the  place,  and  left  him  stark  naked  to 

find  his  way  home  in  the  best  manner  he  could,  while 

[202] 


AN    ASSIGNATION 

I  took  care  to  be  there  before  him.  I  afterwards  under- 
stood, that,  in  his  way  to  the  lodgings  of  a  friend 
who  lived  in  the  skirts  of  the  town,  he  was  picked  up 
by  the  watch,  who  carried  him  to  the  Round  House, 
from  whence  he  sent  for  clothes  to  his  lodgings  ;  and 
next  morning  arrived  at  the  door  in  a  chair,  wrapped 
up  in  a  blanket  he  had  borrowed ;  for  his  body  was 
so  sore  and  swelled,  that  he  could  not  bear  to  be 
confined  in  his  wearing  apparel.  He  was  treated 
with  the  utmost  tenderness  by  my  mistress  and  her 
daughter,  who  vied  with  each  other  in  their  care  and 
attendance  of  him ;  but  Lavement  himself  could  not 
forbear  expressing  his  joy,  by  several  malicious  grins, 
while  he  ordered  me  to  prepare  an  unguent  for  his 
sores.  As  to  myself,  nobody  can  doubt  my  gratifi- 
cation when  I  had  every  day  an  opportunity  of  seeing 
my  revenge  protracted  on  the  body  of  my  adversary 
by  the  ulcers  of  which  I  had  been  the  cause ;  and 
indeed  I  not  only  enjoyed  the  satisfaction  of  having 
flayed  him  alive,  but  another  also  which  I  had  not 
foreseen.  The  story  of  his  being  attacked  and 
stripped  in  such  a  place  having  been  inserted  in  the 
news,  gave  information  to  those  who  found  his 
clothes  next  day  whither  to  bring  them ;  and  accord- 
ingly he  retrieved  everything  he  had  lost,  except  a 
few  letters,  among  which  was  that  which  I  had  writ 
to  him  in  the  name  of  the  apothecary's  wife.  This 
and  the  others,  which,  it  seems,  were  all  on  the  sub- 
[203] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

ject  of  love  ( for  this  Hibernian  hero  was  one  of 
those  people  who  are  called  fortune-hunters),  fell 
into  the  hands  of  a  certain  female  author,  famous 
for  the  scandal  she  has  published,  who,  after  having 
embellished  them  with  some  ornaments  of  her  own 
invention,  gave  them  to  the  town  in  print. 

I  was  very  much  shocked  on  reflecting,  that  I  might 
possibly  be  the  occasion  of  a  whole  family's  unhappi- 
ness,  on  account  of  the  letter  I  had  written  ;  but  was 
eased  of  that  apprehension,  when  I  understood  that 
the  Chelsea  apothecary  had  commenced  a  law-suit 
against  the  printer  for  defamation ;  and  looked  upon 
the  whole  as  a  piece  of  forgery  committed  by  the 
author,  who  had  disappeared.  But  whatever  might  be 
his  opinion  of  the  matter,  our  two  ladies  seemed  to 
entertain  a  different  idea  of  it :  for,  as  soon  as  the 
pamphlet  appeared,  I  could  perceive  their  care  of 
their  patient  considerably  diminish,  until  at  last  it 
ended  in  total  neglect.  It  was  impossible  for  him  to 
be  ignorant  of  this  change,  any  more  than  of  the 
occasion  of  it ;  but  as  he  was  conscious  to  himself  of 
having  deserved  worse  than  contempt  at  their  hands, 
he  was  glad  to  come  off  so  cheaply,  and  contented 
himself  with  muttering  curses  and  threats  against  the 
apothecary,  who,  as  he  imagined,  having  got  an 
inkling  of  the  appointment  with  his  wife,  had  taken 
revenge  of  him  in  the  manner  described.  By  the  time 
he  got  a  new  scarf  skin,  his  character  was  become  so 
[204] 


STRAP    TAKES  'HIS    LEAVE 

notorious,  that  he  thought  it  high  time  for  him  to 
decamp ;  and  his  retreat  he  performed  in  one  night 
without  beat  of  drum,  after  having  robbed  his  own 
servant  of  everything  that  belonged  to  him,  except 
the  clothes  he  had  on  his  back.  A  few  days  after  he 
had  disappeared,  Mr.  Lavement,  for  his  own  security, 
took  into  custody  a  large  old  trunk  which  he  had 
left;  and,  as  it  was  very  heavy,  made  no  question 
that  the  contents  were  sufficient  to  idemnify  him  for 
what  OTJonnell  owed  in  lodging.  But  a  month  being 
elapsed  without  hearing  any  tidings  of  this  adven- 
turer, and  my  master  being  impatient  to  know  what 
the  trunk  contained,  he  ordered  me  to  break  it  open 
in  his  presence,  which  task  I  performed  with  the 
pestle  of  our  great  mortar,  and  discovered,  to  his 
inexpressible  astonishment  and  mortification,  a  heap 
of  stones. 

About  this  time  my  friend  Strap  informed  me  of 
an  offer  he  had  to  go  abroad  with  a  gentleman,  in 
quality  of  valet-de-chambre,  and  at  the  same  time 
assured  me,  that  whatever  advantage  he  might  pro- 
pose to  himself  from  this  prospect,  he  could  not 
bear  the  thoughts  of  parting  from  me  ;  so  much  was 
he  attached  to  my  fortune.  In  spite  of  all  the  obli- 
gations I  owed  to  this  poor  honest  fellow,  ingratitude 
is  so  natural  to  the  heart  of  man,  that  I  began  to  be 
tired  of  his  acquaintance ;  and  now  that  I  had  con- 
tracted other  friendships  which  appeared  more  credit- 
[205] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

able,  was  even  ashamed  to  see  a  journeyman  barber 
inquiring  after  me  with  the  familiarity  of  a  companion. 
I  therefore,  on  pretence  of  consulting  his  welfare,  in- 
sisted upon  his  accepting  the  proposal,  which  he  at 
last  determined  to  embrace  with  great  reluctance ; 
and  in  a  few  days  took  his  leave  of  me,  shedding  a 
flood  of  tears,  which  I  could  not  behold  without 
emotion.  I  now  began  to  look  upon  myself  as  a 
gentleman  in  reality  —  learned  to  dance  of  a  French- 
man whom  I  had  cured  of  a  fashionable  distemper  — 
frequented  plays  during  the  holidays  —  became  the 
oracle  of  an  alehouse,  where  every  dispute  was 
referred  to  my  decision  —  and  at  length  contracted 
an  acquaintance  with  a  young  lady,  who  found  means 
to  make  a  conquest  of  my  heart,  and  upon  whom  I 
prevailed,  after  much  attendance  and  solicitation,  to 
give  me  a  promise  of  marriage.  As  this  beautiful 
creature  passed  for  a  rich  heiress,  I  blessed  my  good 
fortune,  and  was  actually  on  the  point  of  crowning  all 
my  wishes  by  matrimony ;  when  one  morning  I  went 
to  her  lodgings,  and  her  maid  being  abroad,  took  the 
privilege  of  a  bridegroom  to  enter  her  chamber, 
where,  to  my  utter  confusion,  I  found  her  in  bed  with 
a  man.  Heaven  gave  me  patience  and  presence  of 
mind  enough  to  withdraw  immediately ;  and  I 
thanked  my  stars  a  thousand  times  for  the  happy 
discovery,  by  which  I  resolved  to  profit  so  much  as  to 
Abandon  all  thoughts  of  marriage  for  the  future. 
[206] 


CHAPTER    TWENTY-ONE 

SQUIRE  GAWKY  COMES  TO  LODGE  WITH   MY  MASTER IS 

INVOLVED  IN  A  TROUBLESOME  AFFAIR,  OUT  OF  WHICH 

HE  IS  EXTRICATED  BY  ME HE  MARRIES   MY   MAS- 

TER's  DAUGHTER THEY  CONSPIRE  AGAINST  ME 

I   AM   FOUND    GUILTY   OF    THEFT DISCHARGED 

DESERTED  BY  MY  FRIENDS 1  HIRE  A  ROOM  IN  ST. 

GILES'S WHERE,  BY  ACCIDENT,  I  FIND/THE  LADY  TO 

WHOM  I  MADE  MY  ADDRESSES  IN  A  MISERABLE  CONDI- 
TION   1  BELIEVE  HER. 

WHILE  I  enjoyed  myself  at  large  in  this 
temper  of  mind,   Mr.   Lavement  let 
his  first  floor  to  my  countryman  and 
acquaintance,  Squire  Gawky,  who,  by 
this  time,  had  got  a  lieutenancy  in  the  army,  and 
such  a  martial  ferocity  in  his  appearance,  that  I  was 
afraid  he  would  remember  what  had  happened  be- 
tween us  in  Scotland,  and  atone  for  his  breach  of 
appointment  then,  by  his   punctuality  now;    but, 
whether  he  had  actually  forgot  me,  or  was  willing  to 
make  me  believe  so,  he  betrayed  not  the  least  symp- 
tom of  recognition  at  sight  of  me,  and  I  remained 
quite  cured  of  my  apprehension ;  though  I  had  occa- 
sion, not  long  after,  to  be  convinced  that,  howsoever 
[207] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

his  externals  might  be  altered,  he  was  at  bottom  the 
same  individual  Gawky  whom  I  have  already  de- 
scribed. For,  coming  home  late  one  night  from  the 
house  of  a  patient,  I  heard  a  noise  in  the  street,  and, 
as  I  approached,  perceived  two  gentlemen  in  custody 
of  three  watchmen. 

The  prisoners,  who  were  miserably  disfigured  with 
dirt,  complained  bitterly  of  the  loss  of  their  hats 
and  wigs ;  and  one  of  them,  whom,  by  his  tongue,  I 
knew  to  be  a  Scotchman,  lamented  most  piteously, 
offering  a  guinea  for  his  liberty,  which  the  watchman 
refused,  alleging  that  one  of  his  companions  was 
wounded  grievously,  and  that  he  must  stand  to  the 
consequence.  My  prejudice  in  favour  of  my  country 
was  so  strong,  that  I  could  not  bear  to  see  anybody 
belonging  to  it  in  distress,  and  therefore,  with  one 
blow  of  my  faithful  cudgel,  knocked  down  the 
watchman  who  had  hold  of  the  person  for  whom  I 
was  chiefly  concerned.  He  was  no  sooner  disengaged, 
than  he  betook  himself  to  his  heels,  and  left  me  to 
maintain  the  dispute  as  I  should  think  proper ;  and, 
indeed,  I  came  off  but  scurvily ;  for,  before  I  could 
avail  myself  of  my  speed,  I  received  a  blow  on  the 
eye  from  one  of  the  other  two,  that  had  well-nigh 
deprived  me  of  the  use  of  that  organ.  However, 
I  made  shift  to  get  home,  where  I  was  informed  of 
Captain  Gawky's  bring  robbed  and  abused  by  a 
company  of  footpads,  and  was  ordered  by  my  master 
[208] 


GAWKY    AND    THE    WATCHMEN 

to  prepare  an  emollient  glyster  and  paregoric  draught, 
in  order  to  allay  and  compose  the  ferment  of  his 
spirits,  occasioned  by  the  barbarous  treatment  he 
had  undergone,  while  he  took  twelve  ounces  of 
blood  from  him  immediately.  When  I  inquired  into 
the  particulars  of  this  adventure,  and  understood,  by 
the  servant,  that  he  came  in  just  before  me,  without 
hat  and  wig,  I  made  no  scruple  of  believing  him  to 
be  the  person  I  had  released,  and  was  confirmed  in 
my  belief  upon  hearing  his  voice,  to  which,  before 
that  event,  I  had  been  so  long  a  stranger.  My  eye 
being  considerably  swelled  and  inflamed,  I  could  not 
reflect  upon  my  enterprise  without  cursing  my  own 
folly,  and  even  resolving  to  declare  the  truth  of  the 
whole  story,  in  order  to  be  revenged  on  the  cowardly 
wretch,  for  whom  I  had  suffered.  Accordingly, 
next  day,  after  he  had  told,  in  the  presence  of  my 
master,  his  wife,  and  daughter,  who  came  to  visit 
him,  a  thousand  lies  concerning  the  prowess  he  had 
shown  in  making  his  escape,  I  ventured  to  explain 
the  mystery,  and,  calling  in  the  evidence  of  my 
contused  eye,  upbraided  him  with  cowardice  and 
ingratitude.  Gawky  was  so  astonished  at  this  dis- 
course, that  he  could  not  answer  one  word ;  and  the 
rest  of  the  company  stared  at  one  another ;  till,  at 
length,  my  mistress  reprimanded  me  for  my  insolent 
behaviour,  and  threatened  to  turn  me  away  for  my 
presumption. 

TOL.  I. -14  {209] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Upon  which  Gawky,  having  recollected  himself, 
observed,  as  the  young  man  might  have  mistaken 
another  person  for  him,  he  could  forgive  his  insinua- 
tions, more  especially  as  he  seemed  to  have  suffered 
for  his  civility ;  but  advised  me  to  be  more  certain  in 
my  conjectures  for  the  future,  before  I  ventured  to 
publish  them  to  the  prejudice  of  any  man.  Miss 
applauded  the  captain's  generosity  in  pardoning  one 
who  had  so  villanously  aspersed  him,  and  I  began 
to  imagine  her  praise  was  not  at  all  disinterested. 
But  the  apothecary,  who,  perhaps,  had  more  penetra- 
tion, or  less  partiality,  than  his  wife  and  daughter, 
differed  from  them  in  his  sentiments  of  the  matter, 
and  expressed  himself  to  me  in  the  shop  in  this 
manner:  "Ah!  mon  pauvre  Roderique!  you  ave 
more  of  de  veracite*  dan  of  de  prudence  —  bot  mine 
vife  and  dater  be  diablement  sage,  and  Mons.  le 
Capitaine  un  fanfaron,  pardieu ! "  This  eulogium  on 
his  wife  and  daughter,  though  spoken  ironically,  by 
him,  was,  nevertheless,  literally  just ;  by  espousing 
the  cause  of  Gawky,  the  one  obliged  a  valuable 
lodger,  and  the  other  acquired  a  husband  at  a  junc- 
ture when  one  was  absolutely  necessary;  for  the 
young  lady,  finding  the  effects  of  her  correspondence 
with  O'Donnell  becoming  plainer  and  plainer  every 
day,  insinuated  herself  so  artfully  into  the  affection 
of  this  new  lodger,  that  in  leas  than  a  fortnight, 
on  pretence  of  going  to  a  play,  they  drove  away  to- 
[210] 


GAWKY'S    MARRIAGE 

gather  to  the  Fleet,  where  they  were  coupled ;  from 
thence  removed  to  a  bagnio,  where  the  marriage  was 
consummated ;  and  in  the  morning  came  home,  where 
they  asked  her  father's  and  mother's  -blessing.  The 
prudent  parents,  notwithstanding  the  precipitation 
with  which  the  match  was  carried  on,  did  not  think 
fit  to  refuse  their  approbation ;  for  the  apothecary 
was  not  ill  pleased  to  find  his  daughter  married  to  a 
young  man  of  a  good  prospect,  who  had  not  men- 
tioned to  him  one  syllable  on  the  article  of  her 
dowry ;  and  his  wife  was  rejoiced  at  being  rid 
of  a  rival  in  her  gallants,  and  a  spy  upon  her 
pleasures.  Nor  was  I  without  self-enjoyment  at  this 
event,  when  I  reflected  upon  the  revenge  I  had  un- 
wittingly taken  upon  my  enemy,  in  making  him  a 
cuckold  by  anticipation.  But  I  little  dreamed  what 
a  storm  of  mischief  was  brewing  against  me,  whilst 
I  thus  indulged  myself.  Whatever  face  Gawky  put 
on  the  matter,  my  discovery  of  the  adventure  before 
related,  and  the  reproaches  I  vented  against  him, 
had  stung  him  to  the  soul,  and  cherished  the  seeds 
of  enmity  so  strongly  in  his  breast,  that  he,  it 
seems,  imparted  his  indignation  to  his  wife,  who, 
being  as  desirous  as  himself  to  compass  the  ruin  of 
one  that  not  only  slighted  her  caresses,  but  was  able 
on  any  occasion  to  discover  particulars  not  at  all 
advantageous  to  her  character,  readily  joined  in  a 
conspiracy  against  me,  which,  had  it  taken  effect  as 
[211] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

they  expected,  would  infallibly  have  brought  me  to 
an  ignominious  death. 

My  master  having  several  times  missed  large  quan- 
tities of  medicines,  of  which  I  could  give  no  account, 
at  last  lost  all  patience,  and,  in  plain  terms,  taxed 
me  with  having  embezzled  them  for  my  own  use. 
As  I  could  only  oppose  my  single  asseveration  to  his 
suspicion,  he  told  me  one  day,  "  By  gar,  your  vord 
not  be  give  me  de  satisfaction  —  me  find  necessaire 
to  chercher  for  my  medicine,  pardonnez-moi  —  il  faut 
chercher  —  me  demand  le  clef  of  your  coffre  a  cette 
heure."  Then  raising  his  voice  to  conceal  the  fright 
he  was  in,  lest  I  should  make  any  opposition,  he  went 
on,  "  Oui,  foutre,  I  charge  you  rendez  le  clef  of  your 
coffre  —  moi  —  si,  moi  qui  vous  parle."  I  was  fired 
with  so  much  resentment  and  disdain  at  this  accusa- 
tion, that  I  burst  into  tears,  which  he  took  for  a  sign 
of  my  guilt ;  and,  pulling  out  my  key,  told  him  he 
might  satisfy  himself  immediately,  though  he  would 
not  find  it  so  easy  to  satisfy  me  for  the  injury  my 
reputation  had  suffered  from  his  unjust  suspicion. 
He  took  the  key,  and  mounted  up  to  my  chamber, 
attended  by  the  whole  family ;  saying,  "  He  bien,  nous 
verrons  —  nous  verrons."  But  what  was  my  horror 
and  amazement,  when,  on  opening  my  chest,  he  pulled 
out  a  handful  of  the  very  things  that  were  missing, 
and  pronounced,  "  Ah  ha !  vous  etes  bien  venus  — 
inardie,  Mons.  Roderique,  you  be  fort  innocent." 
[212] 


ACCUSATION    OF    THEFT 

I  had  not  power  to  utter  one  word  in  my  own 
vindication,  but  stood  motionless  and  silent,  while 
everybody  present  made  their  respective  remarks  on 
what  appeared  against  me.  The  servants  said  they 
were  sorry  for  my  misfortune,  and  went  away  repeat- 
ing, "  Who  would  have  thought  it  ?  "  My  mistress 
took  occasion,  from  this  detection,  to  rail  against  the 
practice  of  employing  strangers  in  general ;  and  Mrs. 
Gawky,  after  having  observed  that  she  never  had  a 
good  opinion  of  my  fidelity,  proposed  to  have  me 
carried  before  a  justice,  and  committed  to  Newgate 
immediately.  Her  husband  was  actually  upon  the 
stairs  in  his  way  for  a  constable,  when  Mr.  Lave- 
ment, knowing  the  cost  and  trouble  of  a  prosecution 
to  which  he  must  bind  himself,  and  at  the  same 
time  dreading  lest  some  particulars  of  my  confes- 
sion might  affect  his  practice,  called  out,  "  Restez, 
mon  fils !  restez,  it  be  veritablement  one  grand 
crime  which  dis  pauvre  diable  have  committed  — 
bot  peutetre  de  good  God  give  him  de  penitence, 
and  me  vill  not  have  upon  mine  head  de  blood  of 
one  sinner."  The  captain  and  his  lady  used  all  the 
Christian  arguments  their  zeal  could  suggest,  to 
prevail  on  the  apothecary  to  pursue  me  to  destruc- 
tion, and  represented  the  injustice  he  did  to  the 
community  of  which  he  was  a  member,  in  letting 
a  villain  escape,  who  would  not  fail  of  doing  more 
mischief  in  the  world,  when  he  should  reflect  on 
[213] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

his  coming  off  so  easily  now.  But  their  eloquence  made 
no  impression  on  my  master,  who,  turning  to  me,  said, 
"  Go,  miserable,  go  from  mine  house,  quick,  quick  — 
and  make  reparation  for  your  mauvaise  actions." 

By  this  time  my  indignation  had  roused  me  from 
the  stupefaction  in  which  I  had  hitherto  remained, 
and  I  began  in  this  manner :  "  Sir,  appearances,  I 
own,  condemn  me ;  but  you  are  imposed  upon  as 
much  as  I  am  abused.  I  have  fallen  a  sacrifice  to 
the  rancour  of  that  scoundrel,"  pointing  to  Gawky, 
"  who  has  found  means  to  convey  your  goods  hither,, 
that  the  detection  of  them  might  blast  my  reputa- 
tion, and  accomplish  my  destruction.  His  hatred  of 
me  is  owing  to  a  consciousness  of  his  having  wronged 
me  in  my  own  country ;  for  which  injury  he,  in  a 
cowardly  manner,  refused  me  the  satisfaction  of  a 
gentleman.  He  knows,  moreover,  that  I  am  no 
stranger  to  his  dastardly  behaviour  in  this  town, 
which  I  have  recounted  before ;  and  he  is  unwilling 
that  such  a  testimony  of  his  ingratitude  and  pusil- 
lanimity should  live  upon  the  earth.  For  this  rea- 
son he  is  guilty  of  the  most  infernal  malice  to  bring 
about  my  ruin.  And  I  am  afraid,  madam,"  turning 
to  Mrs.  Gawky,  "  you  have  too  easily  entered  into 
the  sentiments  of  your  husband.  I  have  often  found 
you  my  enemy,  and  am  well  acquainted  with  the 
occasion  of  your  being  so,  which  I  don't  at  present 
think  proper  to  declare ;  but  I  would  not  advise  you, 
[214] 


ACCUSATION    OF    THEFT 

for  your  own  sake,  to  drive  me  to  extremity ."  This 
address  enraged  her  so  much,  that,  with  a  face  as  red 
as  scarlet,  and  the  eyes  of  a  fury,  she  strutted  up  to 
me,  and,  putting  her  hands  on  her  sides,  spit  in  my 
face,  saying  I  was  a  scandalous  villain,  but  she  defied 
my  malice ;  and  that,  unless  her  papa  would  prose- 
cute me  like  a  thief  as  I  was,  she  would  not  stay 
another  night  under  his  roof.  At  the  same  time 
Gawky,  assuming  a  big  look,  told  me  he  scorned 
what  lies  I  could  invent  against  him  ;  but  that,  if  I 
pretended  to  asperse  his  wife,  he  would  put  me  to 
death,  by  G — d.  To  this  threat  I  answered,  "I 
wish  to  God  I  could  meet  with  thee  in  a  desert,  that 
I  might  have  an  opportunity  of  punishing  thee  for 
thy  perfidy  towards  me,  and  rid  the  world  of  such  a 
rascal.  What  hinders  me  this  moment,"  said  I, 
seizing  an  old  bottle  that  stood  by,  "from  doing 
myself  that  justice  ?  "  I  had  no  sooner  armed  myself 
in  this  manner,  than  Gawky  and  his  father-in-law 
retired  in  such  a  hurry,  that  the  one  overturned  the 
other,  and  they  rolled  together  downstairs;  while 
my  mistress  swooned  away  with  fear ;  and  her  daugh- 
ter asked  if  I  intended  to  murder  her  ?  I  gave  her 
to  understand,  that  nothing  was  further  from  my 
intention ;  that  I  would  leave  her  to  the  stings  of 
her  own  conscience,  but  was  firmly  resolved  to  slit 
her  husband's  nose,  whenever  fortune  should  offer  a 
convenient  opportunity. 

[215] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

Then  going  downstairs,  I  met  Lavement  coming 
up  trembling  with  the  pestle  in  his  hand,  and  Gawky 
behind,  armed  with  his  sword,  pushing  him  forward. 
I  demanded  a  parley,  and  having  assured  them  of  my 
pacific  disposition,  Gawky  exclaimed,  "  Ah  !  villain  ! 
you  have  killed  my  dear  wife."  And  the  apothecary 
cried,  "  Ah !  coquin  !  vere  is  my  shild  ? "  "  The 
lady,"  said  I, "  is  above  stairs,  unhurt  by  me,  and  will 
a  few  months  hence,  I  believe,  reward  your  concern." 
Here  she  called  to  them,  and  desired  they  would  let 
the  wretch  go,  and  trouble  themselves  no  further 
about  him.  To  which  request  her  father  consented, 
observing,  nevertheless,  that  my  conversation  was 
fort  mysterieuse.  Finding  it  impossible  to  vindicate 
my  innocence,  I  left  the  house  immediately,  and 
went  to  the  schoolmaster,  with  an  intention  of  clear- 
ing myself  to  him,  and  asking  his  advice  with  regard 
to  my  future  conduct ;  but,  to  my  inexpressible  vex- 
ation, was  told  he  was  gone  to  the  country,  where  he 
would  stay  two  or  three  days.  I  returned  with  a 
design  of  consulting  some  acquaintances  I  had 
acquired  in  my  master's  neighbourhood ;  but  my 
story  had  taken  air,  through  the  officiousness  of  the 
servants,  and  not  one  of  my  friends  would  vouchsafe 
me  a  hearing.  Thus  I  found  myself,  by  the  iniquity 
of  mankind,  in  a  much  more  deplorable  condition 
than  ever :  for  though  I  had  been  formerly  as  poor, 
my  reputation  was  without  blemish,  and  my  health 
[216] 


DESERTED    BY    FRIENDS 

unimpaired  till  now ;  but  at  present  my  good  name 
was  lost,  my  money  gone,  my  friends  were  alienated, 
my  body  was  infected  by  a  distemper  contracted  in 
the  course  of  an  amour,  and  my  faithful  Strap,  who 
alone  could  yield  me  pity  and  assistance,  absent  I 
knew  not  where. 

The  first  resolution  I  could  take  in  this  melan- 
choly conjuncture,  was  to  remove  my  clothes  to  the 
house  of  the  person  with  whom  I  had  formerly 
lodged,  where  I  remained  two  days,  in  hopes  of 
getting  another  place,  by  the  interest  of  Mr.  Con- 
cordance, to  whom  I  made  no  doubt  of  being  able 
to  vindicate  my  character ;  but  in  this  supposition  I 
reckoned  without  my  host,  for  Lavement  took  care 
to  be  beforehand  with  me,  and  when  I  attempted  to 
explain  the  whole  affair  to  the  schoolmaster,  I  found 
him  so  prepossessed  against  me,  that  he  would  scarce 
hear  me  to  an  end;  but  when  I  had  finished  my 
justification,  shook  his  head,  and  beginning  with  his 
usual  exclamation,  "  O  Ch — st ! "  said,  "  That  won't 
go  down  with  me.  I  am  very  sorry  I  should  have 
the  misfortune  of  being  concerned  in  the  affair,  but, 
however,  shall  be  more  cautious  for  the  future.  I 
will  trust  no  man  from  henceforward  —  no,  not  my 
father  who  begat  me  —  nor  the  brother  who  lay  with 
me  in  my  mother's  womb.  Should  Daniel  rise  from 
the  dead,  I  would  think  him  an  impostor,  and  were 
the  genius  of  Truth  to  appear,  would  question  its 
[217] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

veracity."  I  told  him,  that  one  day  it  was  possible 
he  might  be  convinced  of  the  injury  I  had  suffered, 
and  repent  of  his  premature  determination.  To 
which  remark  he  answered,  the  proof  of  my  inno- 
cence would  make  his  bowels  to  vibrate  with  joy; 
"  but  till  that  shall  happen,"  continued  he,  "  I  must 
beg  to  have  no  manner  of  connexion  with  you  — 
my  reputation  is  at  stake  —  O  my  good  God !  I  shall 
be  looked  upon  as  your  accomplice  and  abettor  — 
people  will  say  Jonathan  Wild  was  but  a  type  of 
me  —  boys  will  hoot  at  me  as  I  pass  along,  and  the 
cinder- wenches  belch  forth  reproaches  wafted  in  a  gale 
impregnated  with  gin  —  I  shall  be  notorious  —  the 
very  butt  of  slander  and  cloak  of  infamy."  I  was  not 
in  a  humour  to  relish  the  climax  of  expressions  upon 
which  this  gentleman  valued  himself  in  all  his  dis- 
courses; but,  without  any  ceremony,  took  my  leave, 
cursed  with  every  sentiment  of  horror  which  my 
situation  could  suggest.  I  considered,  however, 
in  the  intervals  of  my  despondence,  that  I  must 
in  some  shape  suit  my  expense  to  my  calamitous 
circumstances;  and  with  that  view  hired  an  apart- 
ment in  a  garret  near  St.  Giles's,  at  the  rate  of 
ninepence  per  week.  In  this  place  I  resolved  to 
perform  my  own  cure,  having  first  pawned  three 
shirts  to  purchase  medicines  and  support  for  the 
occasion. 

One  day  when  I  sat  in  this  solitary  retreat,  musing 
[218] 


AN    UNFORESEEN    MEETING 

upon  the  unhappiness  of  my  fate,  I  was  alarmed  by  a 
groan  that  issued  from  a  chamber  contiguous  to 
mine,  into  which  I  immediately  ran,  and  found  a 
woman  stretched  on  a  miserable  truckle  bed,  without 
any  visible  signs  of  life.  Having  applied  a  smelling 
bottle  to  her  nose,  the  blood  began  to  revisit  her 
cheeks,  and  she  opened  her  eyes  ;  but,  good  heavens ! 
what  were  the  emotions  of  my  soul,  when  I  discovered 
her  to  be  the  same  individual  lady  who  had  triumphed 
over  my  heart,  and  to  whose  fate  I  had  almost  been  in- 
separably joined  !  Her  deplorable  situation  filled  my 
breast  with  compassion,  and  every  tender  idea  reviv- 
ing in  my  imagination,  I  flew  into  her  embrace.  She 
knew  me  immediately ;  and,  straining  me  gently  in 
her  arms,  shed  a  torrent  of  tears,  which  I  could  not 
help  increasing.  At  length,  casting  a  languishing 
look  at  me,  she  pronounced,  with  a  feeble  voice, 
"  Dear  Mr.  Random,  I  do  not  deserve  this  concern 
at  your  hands.  I  am  a  vile  creature  who  had  a  base 
design  upon  your  person ;  suffer  me  to  expiate  that 
and  all  my*  other  crimes  by  a  miserable  death,  which 
will  not  fail  to  overtake  me  in  a  few  hours."  I  en- 
couraged her  as  much  as  I  could  ;  told  her  I  forgave 
all  her  intentions  with  regard  to  me ;  and  that,  al- 
though my  circumstances  were  extremely  low,  I  would 
share  my  last  farthing  with  her.  In  the  meantime, 
begged  to  know  the  immediate  cause  of  that  fit  from 
which  she  had  just  recovered,  and  said,  I  would  en- 
[219] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

deavour  by  my  skill  to  prevent  any  more  such  attacks. 
She  seemed  very  much  affected  with  this  expression, 
took  my  hand  and  pressed  it  to  her  lips,  saying, 
"  You  are  too  generous  !  —  I  wish  I  could  live  to 
express  my  gratitude  ;  but  alas !  I  perish  for  want." 
Then,  shutting  her  eyes,  she  relapsed  into  another 
swoon.  Such  extremity  of  distress  must  have  awaked 
the  most  obdurate  heart  to  sympathy  and  compassion. 
What  effect,  then,  must  it  have  had  on  mine,  that 
was  naturally  prone  to  every  tender  passion  ?  I  ran 
downstairs,  and  sent  my  landlady  to  a  chemist's  shop 
for  some  cinnamon  water ;  while  I,  returning  to  this 
unfortunate  creature's  chamber,  used  all  the  means  in 
my  power  to  bring  her  to  herself.  This  aim,  with 
much  difficulty,  I  accomplished,  and  made  her  drink 
a  glass  of  the  cordial  to  recruit  her  spirits ;  then  I 
prepared  a  little  mulled  red  wine  and  a  toast,  which 
having  taken,  she  found  herself  thoroughly  revived, 
and  informed  me,  that  she  had  not  tasted  food  for 
eight-and-forty  hours  before.  As  I  was  impatient  to 
know  the  occasion  and  nature  of  her  calamity,  she 
gave  me  to  understand,  that  she  was  a  woman  of  the 
town  by  profession  :  that,  in  the  course  of  her  adven- 
tures, she  found  herself  dangerously  infected  with  a 
distemper  to  which  all  her  class  are  particularly  sub- 
ject ;  that  her  malady  gaining  ground  every  day,  she 
became  loathsome  to  herself  and  offensive  to  others ; 
when  she  resolved  to  retire  to  some  obscure  corner, 
[220] 


AN    AGREEABLE    COMPANION 

where  she  might  be  cured  with  as  little  noise  and 
expense  as  possible ;  that  she  had  accordingly  chosen 
this  place  of  retreat,  and  put  herself  into  the  hands 
of  an  advertising  doctor,  who  having  fleeced  her  of 
all  the  money  she  had,  or  could  procure,  left  her 
three  days  ago  in  a  worse  condition  than  that  in 
which  he  found  her ;  that,  except  the  clothes  on 
her  back,  she  had  pawned  or  sold  everything  that 
belonged  to  her,  to  satisfy  that  rapacious  quack, 
and  quiet  the  clamour  of  her  landlady,  who  still 
persisted  in  her  threats  to  turn  her  out  into  the 
street. 

After  having  moralised  upon  these  particulars,  I 
proposed  that  she  should  lodge  in  the  same  room 
with  me,  an  expedient  that  would  save  some  money ; 
and  assured  her  I  would  undertake  her  cure  as  well 
as  my  own,  during  which  she  should  partake  of  all 
the  conveniences  that  I  could  afford  to  myself.  She 
embraced  my  offer  with  unfeigned  acknowledgment ; 
and  I  began  to  put  it  in  practice  immediately.  I 
found  in  her  not  only  an  agreeable  companion,  whose 
conversation  greatly  alleviated  my  chagrin,  but  also 
a  careful  nurse,  who  served  me  with  the  utmost  fidel- 
ity and  affection.  One  day,  while  I  testified  my  sur- 
prise that  a  woman  of  her  beauty,  good  sense,  and 
education  (for  she  had  a  large  portion  of  each),  could 
be  reduced  to  such  an  infamous  and  miserable  way  of 
life  as  that  of  a  prostitute,  —  she  answered,  with  a 
[221  ] 


RODERICK    RANDOM 

sigh,  "  These  very  advantages  were  the  cause  of  my 
undoing."  This  remarkable  reply  inflamed  my  curi- 
osity to  such  a  degree,  that  I  begged  she  would 
favour  me  with  the  particulars  of  her  story,  and  she 
complied  in  these  words :  — - 


END  OF  VOL.  I. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY,  LOS  ANGELES 


UCLA-College  Library 

PR  3691  M45  v.1 


L  005  756  827  1 


v.l 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 

muni  mil  inn  Illljr" 


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